We went apeshit for Christmas. Well, not completely apeshit as we don't have the finances to accommodate such. But we spent more than we should have.

Every year, I try to be one of those people who can just let go of the Christmas overload, who can effectively stick it to the Christmas machine. The ones who can make all their gifts, who can have one or two gifts for their kids without the all encompassing guilt. I want to be one of those people...really, I do. But every year I get derailed. I want the kids to have things they're going to love. And unfortunately I find the one "gift they'e going to love" at every store. And I buy it.

Fortunately, this year has been fairly easy. All the extended family on my side decided to draw names, and only for the kids. That worked out very well financially, plus on my side of the family we mostly just want the kids to have a good Christmas. My in-laws are few so that's fairly easy to accomplish. We spent the most on the kids, which is as it should be I think. I also spent a bit more than usual on my husband's gifts. I bought him a didgeridoo and a Tibetan singing bowl, both very cool and he will really love them. I'm also going to make him an appointment with his favorite Chiropractor because he always puts that off.

I did make some things to give out. I made candy buckeyes and Christmas cut out cookies, stuck them in tins and gave them to family and friends. The kids made the aforementioned bookmarks, chocolate-covered spoons and hot chocolate and soaps. So at the very least, the kids are getting to learn that Christmas is more than just receiving, and that hand made gifts can be a real treasure. We also have them make a donation to Heifer International, to buy chickens for a couple families in third world countries; one of those "not a hand out, a hand up" type organizations. Very cool. If you don’t already know about them check out their site.

So we went a bit overboard. I don't think the kids really expect so much, or need it, but I enjoy buying gifts! What can I say? I do need to get a handle on it though...maybe next year.

Christmas season is upon up, and with it comes your old friend and mine, Santa Claus.

I've been reading some recent message board threads about Santa and whether or not people encourage the belief in their children. Interesting stuff.

My mother in law thinks we're just plain wrong because the kids know they've got gifts upstairs and they see them under the tree; therefore they know the gifts are from us and not Santa. But we don't NOT believe in Santa. We believe in the spirit of Christmas that is embodied by the jolly old elf. No, we don't tell the kids they'll get coal if they're naughty...no, we don't tell them he comes down the chimney in the middle of the night and leaves them gifts...but they do believe "he" fills their stockings and nibbles on the cookies left out. So while we don't tell them there really is a guy living at the North Pole who lives to give them gifts, they still believe in the spirit of Christmas, the spirit of giving and gratitude. I see no problem in this. Where the gifts come from is irrelevant.

When I was a kid, my parents never really told us about Santa one way or the other. I suppose they kept up the facade for us though, I know I remember the "naughty or nice" talks. The things parents will do to get good behavior! But there were no gifts out with tags from Santa or anything like that. The gifts were all under the tree before Christmas. I don't remember when I didn't believe he *really* existed; I'm sure I still played along even after I knew. I don't feel harmed by knowing, I don't feel harmed by not knowing...I don't feel there was this big lie perpetrated upon us kids. It was fun...still is.

So, if you're reading this, what are your thoughts on Santa?

I've always liked, and have tried to live by, the Christian addage "be Christ-like in your mercy". Yeah, yeah, I'm not a Christian but I like the message.

Lately all the news outlets have been over-covering the Saddam Hussein capture. I have to turn the channel every time I see the pictures start. To be honest, the treatment did not seem merciful or at the very least should not have been videotaped and circulated around the media.

I do believe Hussein was and is a person who commited vile acts. I can't see a picture of him without picturing the video of the day he came into power (or around that time anyway) where he stood in front of a room full of Iraqi political figures and emotionlessly read off names of those who were to leave the room. They were killed simply because he didn't want them in his regime. It made me feel literally ill. He was so obviously enjoying his place of power. Sure, he was a bastard.

At the same time, though, do we want to sink to his level? Justice should be done, naturally, but not this 'Merkin justice of an eye for an eye. That won't undo all the evils he's done. And can't this all just be done, without becoming an utter media circus?

I guess I'm trying to figure out why I would have sympathy for this person. Probably because he is just that: a person. And somewhere in his soul is a reason for his existence. And somewhere there will be repercussions that same soul will face.

Be Christ-like in your mercy.

I feel a bit like Hannah Homemaker today. The kids and I made soaps and bookmarks for them to give to family and friends for Christmas. They got to play in our newly blanketed with snow yard, then I made them hot cocoa (and not the mix with water kind, nope, we made the real thing) and my kitchen is clean before bed.

From the outside it looks smooth as silk. But I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams. It always seems a struggle. I know quite a few moms who manage all those things above before lunch. Then have time for their own pursuits and interests. I know I should stop beating myself up, and it's not that I'm actively feeling guilty, it's just that I want their secret. I want to know how to get everything done then still have time to write or to paint or to..whatever. I do see moments in my day that I could use more effectively, maybe that's the secret. Maybe I'm just not utilizing my time wisely. Right now, I need to be working out so I don't get to bed at midnight like I have the last week...but Mace is awake. He took a late nap so I'm thinking I won't get to work out until about 11 therefore no bed before midnight as usual. When I worked, I felt like I was doing it all, like everything was getting done. I was bringing home the bacon and frying it up in a pan, as it were. But now I feel like a schlump most days. Last week there was a day when I wore my lounge pants all day. Not to say that everyone who wears their lounge pants all day are lazy beasts like myself, but you get the idea.

This past week was a total waste in most respects. Though I was PMS'ing, that's not a valid excuse. Hormones do not excuse taking a week off homeschooling! To be honest, I do feel like things get done most of the time. The clothes get washed, the dishes get washed, the floor gets vacuumed and the kids get taught. But I guess I'm trying to figure out how to carve out a little time for myself. I think THAT'S the problem. I start feeling like I never get a minute to myself which makes me feel overwhelmed and anxious, then I don't feel like doing the basics either.

Well, my little guy just climbed up to me in his jammies with the feet and wants to nurse. He said "milk" today. He's yummy! I guess I need to revel in his sweetness for now; the jammies won't fit forever.

Much to my chagrin, I've found lately that I can't loathe like I used to.

I've caught a few of those "behind the music" type shows and/or interviews which have made me change my opinion of several celebrities whom I formely had a pretty intense dislike for. I'm realizing it's easy to dislike someone you don't know, but as soon as you get to "know" them (as much as you can "know" them from afar) you see similarities and parallels to your own life and your own journey. This comforts me greatly and makes me look at people differently. It gives me hope that I'm not a total bitch anyway.

On a totally different note, Saddam has been found. Is it bad that I see the political timing in this? I mean, I'm glad this could mean our troops might get to come home earlier but it's worrying me about next years election. I'm sure Bushco. will work this, spin it, into something that he was directly responsible for. I feel guilty for thinking about this aspect of it. So maybe I am a total bitch after all.

It's one of those nights where I just want to stay up, listen to Lost Cause by Beck and other sappy songs, eat chocolate and think. But...

I have kids and things to do tomorrow. So I'm off to lie the baby down, work out then hit the sack. Not so cerebral...

Comments are fixed. My bad.

To have comments or not to have comments, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the...screw it. I'm just keeping the comments. Share if you want...

I used to have comments...didn't I used to have comments?

I don't even know where I got them from so I won't be able to go back and find out what the hell happened. Pretty pathetic, aren't I?

Apparently I don't do enough for the environment. I guess unless I'm spiking trees or in a picket line or burning down houses in the name of the ELF, I'm not really doing anything green. The cloth diapers, cloth pads, natural cleaners, drying clothes on the line out back, buying organic when I can, cooking from scratch, avoiding preservatives, push mowing et al are not enough.

This is apparently my husband's opinion. Usually the opinion manifests itself when he can't use bleach to clean the basement or has to use a cloth diaper and wipe. So is it that I'm not doing anything, or rather that it's inconveniencing YOU? Hmmmm....

Just feeling a bit beouchy today...

I can post one more thing while he's off conquering a nation...or at least his sister.

I wanted to ramble about a weird dream I had the other night. Now freaky dreams are nothing new to me, and they happen almost nightly. But this one was interesting. You know how some people dream in color and some don't? Well, I've never really remembered if my dreams were in technicolor or not. Just not something I retain. But this dream was different. Everything was gray EXCEPT certain things. Like there were these houses up in treetops by a river bank; but they were pastel colored and looked like flower bouquets. I walked through a town square that looked Eastern European-ish. It was all gray except balloons a young man carried through the square. They were all colors. He gave me a red one because I said something odd and poetic to him. There were red haired twins. All those things the colors were very distinctive and stood out against the gray of everything around them. Like I said, interesting.

Uh-oh. He's back. And he looks hungry.

Apparently I cannot blog today because my 13 month old loves my keyboard. I had several paragraphs typed out and he hit one button...ONE...and the whole shebazzle is gone. And I'm making up words now.

So maybe tomorrow I will wax philosophical. When he naps.

Hearing a midwestern mother of three say "off the heazy fo sheazy" has got to be funny.

Nonetheless, check out THIS site. It's tight...fo shizzle my sizzle!

Am I cool yet? How about now? Now?

I do a lot of my uninterrupted thinking in the shower. I stand there rocking back and forth to get the most of the hot water and think...about everything. I can’t explain how my mind works; I go from one thing to another and there’s really no rhyme or reason to how I get from point A to point B. Just a few minutes ago my thoughts covered all these things: how to redecorate the bathroom, what we are going to do about our financial situation, why I stopped writing, how I’m going to lose weight, how weird it is that my sexual fantasies don’t feature myself in a starring role anymore, my recent parenting faux pas, why I’m suddenly okay with being done having kids, if that will change, how other people have much cooler lives than me, and it went on from there...

My main thoughts were about the writing. Because a very cool friend of mine has been writing, I’ve started wondering why I stopped and how I came to a point, now, where I don’t feel such a pull to write. I used to write constantly; short stories, poems, even the beginnings of a couple novels. Now I guess it’s not a priority. At night as I’m falling asleep a few lines of a poem or story will start out in my head, but by morning they’re gone. I know they were there; like when you lose a tooth and keep pushing your tongue to the gap, thinking something should be there. So I sit down to try and pull it out of my head, to try and remember. As if it were the beginnings of that poem, the one that I’ve been wanting to write forever. But the words that come are somehow hollow. Not quite the ones that came to me the night before, not as grand, not as filled with potential. The feeling is similar to the one you get when you revisit childhood memories, that turn out to be not as magical as they once were. I’ve found through experience I’d rather keep the magical memories than relive those same things through adult eyes. I guess I need to look at those late night epiphanies the same way, and not try to recapture them. That or keep a notepad beside my bed. ;-)

Thanksgiving week...there's something special about knowing it's just mere days until I gorge myself silly...

And yes, a vegetarian Thanksgiving can be quite tasty thanks!

I know there are things I could complain about in my life...but here are the things I'm grateful for:

-happy, healthy kids
-happy, healthy me
-wonderful spouse
-the roof over our heads
-the fact that we have family to enjoy
-friends
-rain outside
-Christmas specials on TV
-driving around looking at lights with a mug of hot cocoa

Just lots of things!

I hope you all have a fabulous Thanksgiving, and I leave you with a bit of the truth about the "first Thanksgiving"...this is a quote from a Wampanoag Indian in a speech he gave in 1970 in Massachusetts

"Today is a time of celebrating for you -- a time of looking back to the first days of white people in America. But it is not a time of celebrating for me. It is with a heavy heart that I look back upon what happened to my People. When the Pilgrims arrived, we, the Wampanoags, welcomed them with open arms, little knowing that it was the beginning of the end. That before 50 years were to pass, the Wampanoag would no longer be a tribe. That we and other Indians living near the settlers would be killed by their guns or dead from diseases that we caught from them.

Let us always remember, the Indian is and was just as human as the white people. Although our way of life is almost gone, we, the Wampanoags, still walk the lands of Massachusetts. What has happened cannot be changed. But today we work toward a better America, a more Indian America where people and nature once again are important."

Nothing is better to kiss...nothing...than my 12 month old son's milky smelling, soft, fresh from nap cheek. God I love that little monkey with ever fibre of my being. He's my little dreamboat.

I believe I'm feeling better today. Perhaps it was just a few day funk. I'm not sure. I don't think I want to take medications for my depressions and anxious feelings. I thought about it, but I don't think I want to go there for some reason.

I've been mulling over this..thing...I want to do next summer if possible. I want to gather together all my women friends and have a night under the stars. I want to drink wine, and talk, and drum, and talk, and meditate, and talk. To sleep in tents and soak in the nature. And just *be* with other women, other mothers, other seekers. I need to find myself again. I've been so immersed in mothering and caretaking of other people that I've forgotten what I want and need.

Feeling like a shitty mom today. I'm just really stressed and I feel like I'm going to implode. I need a time out.

So tonight...husband is having his bi-monthly boys night out with his brother and their friend. The kids have been feeling slightly "off" (not quite sick, but not quite well either). So we all hit the video store...already watched Bend It Like Beckham (yay! it was great!) and we're going to watch Whale Rider. Then I got Monsoon Wedding for myself for after they sack out. After the video store, we headed to the grocery and picked up such goodies as Pumpkin ice cream...yummmm!

I did want to get The Secretary to watch when the kids went to bed, but I'd just end up all hot and bothered with nowhere to go so I left that one for later.

So goodnight all! I'm hoping some quality movie watching along with some delish ice cream makes me feel more human again.

Okay, that quiz is going to get me some freak-ee google hits...bwahahahahaha

Elmo's Past as a Transvestite Crackwhore



You're sick, you're annoying, and you're a bad
influence on the other muppets. Go away! And
stop trying to be the new Grover.


Which Sesame Street Muppet's Dark Secret Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me....

A little self hatred a la Beck.

Why do I always feel like the outsider, the person on the fringe, not really part of the group? All the groups I'm in, whether irl or on the 'net, give me the feeling I'm just not vital, not really needed. Gawd that sounds pathetic. That's not really what I mean...I guess I just feel unimportant lately, like I just don't have much to offer or to give. I feel like I go through life one step apart, like there's an inside joke going on and I'm the only one who doesn't get it. And I think this is MY issue, it's not anything others are doing or saying. It's something I sense even when it's not there. I'm overly sensitive, if you haven't guessed. I worry that something I've said is taken wrong, I worry about things I'm going to say, I read emails or posts ten times before I send them just to make sure I don't offend someone. Why the hell do I care so much? I mean, it's one thing to be sensitive to people's feelings, especially people you care about. But when you get worried about what total strangers think of you, it's a bit much. Yeah, it is.

Just having a sucky day....
(and FYI, this was brought on by a group in which no one is aware of this blog...so if you're reading it, it ain't you lol) See what I mean? Already with the disclaimers...geez.

Need to vent/share/spew...whatever you want to call it.

So the "news" I alluded to yesterday? Yes, the gun was officially jumped.

First a little backstory. I use the Fertility Awareness Method for birth control. That involves taking my basal body temperature each morning along with a few other fertility signs (which I won't get into in case you're eating breakfast or feeling otherwise queasy). These things help pinpoint ovulation so I know when we're fertile and when we're "safe". So this month I get my thermal shift and all, and I assume we're fine. Wrong assumption. Apparently my body just psyched me out; I really ovulated over a week later. Three days after I thought we were safe. Can you say oops? I knew that you could.

So earlier this week, I pee on a couple magic tests. I'm seeing lines. Faint, but they're *there*. I'm going through crazy emotions. I'm ecstatic, but scared witless. Really bad timing. Really bad. But still...

Fast forward to this morning. My temperature drops and I get my moon. Siiiiigh. I'm glad in many ways, but still really sad! I try to tell myself not to be silly, this would have been a difficult time to be pg. But still...

I guess intellectually I know we're done having kids. That palpably hurt just typing it out. But how much of my life can be ruled by sheer emotion, when does my brain get a say? I can't make decisions like this from my heart anymore. Plus Scott is so very relieved. Hmph. He's done. So I have to be done.

I'm going to share something weird, you can blow this off if you want but I'm throwing it out here. Before we got pregnant with Mace, I knew we were going to have him; I knew there was a spirit missing and I knew it would be incarnated as a boy. Right now, I don't so much feel there's a spirit missing in our family as much as I just feel there's a spirit tethered to Mace's spirit in some way. That she's trying to find a way in. I felt her this week. And no, I haven't smoked crack recently thankyouverymuch ;-)

Anyway, that's what's going on in chez Cheryl this week. I need chocolate...

So it's November!

Our trip to NC was pretty fab. I found another city to drool over. Asheville was/is amazing. Ultra hippie cool I'd say. The mountains were just an added perk.

Halloween was cool. Gage and Maddie made it further this year than last. I did partake of way too much candy.

In other news, there's other news. I don't want to spill too much lest I be jumping the gun...suffice it to say I'm experiencing excitement/fear/happiness/sadness/worry all in the same moment. More as things progress....

Bought the kids some Moose Tracks ice cream. I was good! I had willpower! I was amazing! I have NOT eaten the ice cream!


(I just picked out the huge, delicious fudge chunks and ate those)

We're getting ready to leave next week for Asheville, North Carolina. My mom's family is from there and she hasn't gotten to visit since I was 12. Now there's no reason not to go. So we'll visit family with her and hopefully get to see some of the Smoky Mountains and such. We did manage to schedule our trip so that we'll be driving at night both ways. Sleep, babies, sleep!

I really don't have much to say...or rather not enough time right now to say it...

Just wanted to post *something* since it's been a while.

In regard to my previous entry, I did manage to ovulate this month! (aren't you glad you surfed on in here?! Next I'll be talking about my cloth pads again) I haven't started the "stuff" I should for my thyroid, I'm hoping I'm just one of those women for whom it just rights itself and is a post partum issue. A girl can hope, can't she?

I'm very much off the watching weight bandwagon. Why I can't just do this I'll never know. I suck suck suck at working on my weight. My plan is to screw it. I mean, not beat myself about the face and neck for every little thing I eat. I'm going to continue working out but I'm not going to be defined by my weight. It's just stupid to get to that point. Yes, I did watch Beautiful Girl last night, wanna make somethin' of it?!?

In other news regarding my body as disaster central, I am now fairly confident that I have a thyroid problem.
Most people with low thyroid function will exhibit low basal body temperature. I’ve just recently started charting my temps again since my fertility returned; or so I thought. I’m not ovulating, which is so very unlike me. Normally my fertility is awe inspiring lol. (Side note: I’ve tried not to use ‘net acronyms on here as much as possible. But I find I need to add a good LOL every now and then. Sorry) And of course my temps are very low, which they’ve never been in the past. Low thyroid function is pretty much the sole contributor to low temps. Plus I have all the other symptoms.
I’m very upset by this. I mean, it’s one thing to think your body is malfunctioning. It’s quite another to know it with near certainty.
My main problem is that it seems, after much searching and reading, that the only real treatment is hormone replacement via synthetic hormones or the more “natural” cow/pig derived thyroid hormones. Now, if you know me at all, you know neither of those options are acceptable to me for a host of reasons.
So I need to start adding a veritable buttload of minerals and supplements to my daily routine, a couple yoga poses and some visualization. But even these are questionable as far as treating a thyroid imbalance.
Oddly, I don’t feel my weight is thyroid related though. I am able to lose weight when I focus on it (i.e. not eating handfuls of chocolate chips). Also I haven’t really gained weight. That’s a plus, isn’t it?

So I caught a few minutes of Dr Phil yesterday and it was interesting.

He was telling this overweight guy that he pretty much had to have an emotional trigger to his overeating. Hmmm. I've always wondered about that. I really don't feel I have said emotional trigger. I just like stuff that tastes good. I like food. I love to bake and to cook. And I eat when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm stressed, when I'm calm. I don't really see any underlying reason for my eating.

I'm wondering if everyone with a weight issue has an emotional reason behind their eating. I've been racking my brain for the last 24 hours trying to find mine. I mean, there has to be a reason that I eat more than most people, right? Because I do believe my weight is directly related to my over-intake of food. I'm not going to blame genetics or some such thing, I know how I got here. But the why's of how I got here are intriguing. I'll keep mulling it over.

Scott's been laughing at my recent interest in sports. Last night I was rabidly switching back and forth between Ohio State and the Cubs (yay! OSU got beaten and...Cubs win! Cubs win!)

He rolled over shaking his head when I asked if a certain batter was due and then tried to argue that they should pull the pitcher because he gave up a couple hits. And of course it was just outrageous when some nutjob from OSU tried to choke out Wisconsin's quarterback (and no flag got thrown!).

I'm not normally a sports fan. I just want the Cubs to get into the World Series to break the curse, and OSU just needed to get slapped down. So I enjoyed the games. I guess it's funny because I know just enough about sports to be dangerous.

Interview game! I got my Q's from Kym If you want to play, comment and I'll give you 5 Q's of your own to answer on your blog...

1. Do you think your first name befits you? If not, what would you like to be named?
Hmm. Never really thought about my name. In high school it wasn't common which I liked (non conformist that I am lol). There was only one other Cheryl and we actually were best friends! That was fun at times! I think I'm okay with it...maybe I'd like a hippie Zappa-esque name, just for fun.


2. Do you ever crave meat at all? If so, what's your desire? If not, tell me a yummy yummy meatless entree I should try.
Truthfully, I don't. I used to like my moms meatloaf, and cheeseburgers, but I don't miss them, or want them really. I have to cop out on the recipe - Scott's the cook around here. But I love this vegetarian Shepards Pie that's at Allrecipes.com. It's verrrry good. And yes, I did actually make that one!

3. Where do you see yourself in ten years? What do you WISH your life will be like in ten years?
Hopefully, successfully downsized with an RV to do extended roadtripping with the fam. And really, that's what I hope for too. There are days where I wish Scott was a workoholic making lots of money so I could be a stay at home mom with lots of disposable income but that's usually after a fight lol!

4. Imagine someone gave you $500. What would you spend it on?
Well, I don't have to imagine. Scott's mom just gave us $500 out of the blue. We put it toward the new furnace we had installed yesterday. Booooring!! But if it were just mine to blow, I'd get some great clothes, hair done by Justin (Kym!) and I'd go out drinking/dancing with my buds.

5. Do you dress for yourself, for other women, or for men?
I dress for...myself I guss. Although I really think I'm just dressing because I have to. Most days I don't even give it a thought. Sad really.

You were so new and fresh from God five years ago. Your spirit was trying to harness all its beauty and fire into that little body. It was a difficult transition but to look at you today...crazy-dancing around the room to Earth, Wind & Fire...a transition still in progress but so sure of its direction.
Sometimes I catch a glimpse of you in the rear view mirror, sitting in the backseat telling some fantastic epic tale, and I see the woman you will become. Amazing.
I am awed still that you chose me to be your mother.

Happy 5th birthday Madeline!

Self loathing is soooo constructive (can you hear the sarcasm?)

Ugh.

So now that I'm actually working on getting healthier again, expect entries about such.

I'm down 7 lbs in 10 days! But today I headed to this outdoor farmers market type place and wowee! I had this excellent coffee and some of Gage's pumpkin ice cream (omg, it was to die) and some of Maddie's vegan brownie and then pizza for dinner. I think I'll abstain from weighing for the next few days. I know, I know...I shouldn't weigh so often but it motivates me.

One thing I've started doing is bothering me though. I stop myself from eating past around 6 p.m. then I make myself eat later in the morning, that way my body is going for longer without outside fuel coming in. Therefore it must be burning fat instead. The part that bothers me is how good I feel the longer I go without eating. Like *not* eating is the goal or something. I'm worried this is unhealthy thinking...that it might lead to something worse. Thoughts anyone?

Today I'm feeling very BLAH. Having one of those days where dh annoys me (and I him I'm sure), kids don't listen, baby takes a tumble and hurts himself (not badly, just a red forehead). How do I not have the Huxtable family?! Oh...wait...that was just on tv...

I posted earlier then went to the kitchen and made apple berry crisp. I'm an excellent saboteur.

But I did make it with less butter, and we do have my teenage nephew over to eat it so I'm not worried about eating the whole pan. It is good though.

Since I'm feeling rather unmotivated at the moment, I thought I'd share the things I'm looking forward to doing when I get to a healthier weight.

- going swimming with my kids next summer. I love love love swimming but have been reluctant to do so with all this weight. I do see women quite a bit larger that I am at the beach throwing caution to the wind. I'm just not that strong...

- having our family pics taken. Our last professional family pic was taken when Gage was a year old. I was thin then due to the Phen-Fen. (Hey that rhymed!) I hate that I was weak enough to use drugs to lose weight. I will never do that again.

- not feeling like I have to cover up this part or that part all the time.

- good sex. 'Nuff said.

I'm going to keep reminding myself of those things when I feel like taking out the fridge.

Well, I'm back in the saddle again. Since this past Thursday I've been cutting back again...I've already lost 4.5 lbs! Woohoo for me!

I'm just excited to be back in control. And to think I was able to get started again when I was unknowingly pms'ing! I really want to get below...gulp...200. Not too far at this point...I'm down a total of 33.5 lbs since the beginning of the year. Not too bad I guess...

It's been a few days, eh?

I wondered why I was feeling more edgy this past week. Twenty one days ago I got my first period since Mason's birth. And I get it again today. Who has 21 day cycles? Grrr. Mine are usually at least 28 days. Oh well.

I'm reading Pagan Parenting by Kristin Madden and it's so fascinating. I've thought for a while my home had more than the average amount of negative energy floating around in it, and now I have a few ideas in regard to stopping that flow of negativity. Let's hope they work! I've been told by friends that my house is psychically charged, that it feels...weird. That they feel there are other people here. Hmmm. Maybe this is why no one has wanted to buy this Amityville Horror house?!

I think we're going to try to stay here for the time being. We'll make it work somehow. I might have to get a part time job but that's okay. The kids will still be with one of us, and that's what's important. I just couldn't do daycare.

So this was totally a mush post. Not much to offer today.

(I recently found this in my WordPerfect files and I never posted it here...so here ‘tis...)

There’s this whole debate going on at a site I frequent about the term “natural childbirth”. Some of the women said they had c-sections and consider that natural, and they assert that it’s wrong (or just plain old un-PC) to call only unmedicated vaginal deliveries natural birth. It’s like saying anything else is unnatural, this is what they said.

But anything else IS unnatural. Natural, by definition, would mean a labor and birth that start on their own, baby comes out on it’s own, no outside interference. Come on, that’s just the way it is. That’s what most people think of when they hear or say “natural childbirth”. I wouldn’t call my first two induced labors “natural” because they most definitely were not. My last was totally natural, everything happened just as it was supposed to, just as it was intended to.

I fully believe many of these women who insist their c-sections were “natural” are trying hard to compensate mentally for something they lost in that process. Through no fault of their own, many of them were victimized by the medical establishment. After reading a veritable assload of research it seems only a handful of women truly NEED c-sections. Most are the cause of mismanaged labor and delivery. Induction too early, relying on inaccurate ultrasound birthweight guesstimates, thinking women can’t birth large babies vaginally (hello, 11.5 lb posterior baby vaginally here), not allowing women to change positions a lot during pushing, forcing them to lie down during labor (therefore not allowing baby to move down effectively)...the list goes on and on. Yet these women will insist time and time again that their c-sections were “necessary” and that the doctor saved their lives or their babies lives. Sure, it does happen, and surgical childbirth has it’s place when a true emergency presents itself. But I cannot believe that more women in this country require c-sections than those in other countries (other countries that have lower infant mortality rates by the way). How can that happen? It happens because not all c-sections that are performed in this country are truly medically necessary. And some are even done electively. Which is fine for those who elect it, but DON’T call it natural. Because it ain’t.

Yes, ladies *having* a baby is natural. A baby growing in your body, then living outside it, is totally natural. That part I will never disagree with. But the process by which the baby enters the outside world can be totally unnatural in the wrong setting, with the wrong interventions.

The other misconception that got me riled (and it don’t take much these days!) Was the implication that women who do natural childbirth without interventions have a hero complex and are hippie, granola mamas. I opted for natural childbirth because I wanted to see what my body was capable of, I opted for natural childbirth because it was best for me and my baby at that time. The fact that I’m a liberal, environmentalist, nature loving peacenik doesn’t play into that choice. Sure, my lifestyle is one in which I will try to avoid medical intervention, one in which I try to do all things naturally if possible - but not all those who opt for intervention free births are that way. To lump us all together seems uneducated. But I digress...

My point is, birthing a child is a natural, sacred event. But the means by which the baby is brought into the world can be anything but. I will never call induced, epidural-ed, c-section birth natural, because to me and most other people, it is not.

You know, when you haven’t had sex in a while, I think the pilot light goes out. Much like chocolate, I find that if I don’t partake for a while I just don’t think about it.
But when previously uninterested significant other decides that he is, in fact, interested it’s almost a shock. Whaaaa? Sex??? Then you start remembering, and thinking about it and before you know it *whoosh* you hear that little pilot light burst forth into flame. You think about it, you plan on it, you shower and make pretty. You think this is going to be IT!!!
Then as you’re getting the children to sleep and managing to nurse your baby in that little black bra, it happens. Previously uninterested, recently interested significant other falls asleep. FUUUCK!

I took a morning walk with my almost-5 year old daughter this morning and it was glorious. I really wanted to post one of those “I love Fall” discourses until I realized those types of posts are all over the place.
So why does everyone seem to love Fall? And why does it seem everyone loves Fall for the same reasons? The crisp air, the ever changing palette of the leaves, old warm oversized sweaters, cocoa by the fire, and of course all the food and candy related holidays in Autumn or shortly after. My mom is the only person I know personally who doesn’t like Fall. She says it’s too close to Winter and she hates Winter. She’s a gardener so it signifies the end of her season. But most everyone else just loves Fall in all it’s glory. Most of the survey’s I’ve seen have Fall as the favorite season frontrunner with Summer next and Winter/Spring coming in about evenly third and fourth. Is this a midwest thing? I’m not so sure. I’d say those of us in the eastern Midwest as well as, of course, New England have a romanticized experience of Autumn. Probably out west they don’t go so ga ga over Fall because they don’t see the leaves change so vibrantly, or experience the sudden temperature shift into Fall.
But I digress. Just let me say...I love Fall!! I feel happy and alive and it’s good.

I found it funny this morning, while standing over the sink rinsing out my cloth menstrual pad, that if you'd told me 10 years ago I'd be doing that I would have laughed in your face. If you would have said I would be using cloth diapers, cloth pads, line drying my clothes and cooking mostly from scratch I would have thought you were crazy. Funny how things change.

Just made us Cuban dirty rice for lunch. Kids seem to like it. I need to get more daring with my spice usage; I'm afraid of using too much so I usually end up using less than I should have. Need to listen to the spice, BE the spice.

We're learning about Antarctica this week in our ongoing geography quest to make lapbooks of all the seven continents. Did you know that polar bears only live near the North Pole in the Arctic and penguins only live in Antarctica? I'm assuming everyone probably knew this so I'm stupid for not having known it lol! But I love how I learn new things along with the kids. Fantastic.

I've been absent from the online world this last week mainly because I've been reading. A friend cajoled me into reading Fast Food Nation. All I can say is oh...my....god. This book was a very real eye opener for me. Not just about the fast food industry, but about the meat packing industry, family farms, globalization and our society as a whole. It's an amazing book and it's on my "you gotta read this" list. Right alongside Ishmael and Your Money or Your Life. If you haven't read those, GO AND DO IT NOW! Ish and YMOYL totally changed my life. They put me on the path of the aforementioned cloth dipes/pads/conservation/environmental/frugal living stuff. To paraphrase Oprah, I feel I'm coming close to living my authentic life because of those books.

Okay, enough of my ranting for today....mmmm...more dirty rice....

Go here to read an article on vaccinations and the problems and issues surrounding them. If you have three minutes you can buzz through it, it's really worth the time. It's a fantastic article and the last sentence sums up the problem! Well said Beth Hawkins!! You go!

My 4-almost-5 year old, Maddie, is now sans training wheels!! She's just madly excited, and growing older much too quickly.

I was just looking at old pictures of Gage when he was 4 and he looks so *little* compared to how I see Maddie. I keep having to remind myself that in a couple years I'm going to look at her pictures from today and feel the same way I do about Gage's pics. Life's short...

Things I've realized today:

I can make a pretty mean red sauce from scratch with no recipe! Even my son liked it, so there.

After putting in a pinch of black pepper, wash your hands before touching your face for god's sake. Fiiiiiiiiiire, smoke she is a risin'! It burns like a sum bitch.

And last but definitely not least, I freaking hate judgemental people. This one poster at a site I visit is so mean and judgemental in her posts it drives me nuts. She's one of those know it alls who you just know *doesn't* know it all, you know?! I just wanna smack her.

You are a sea sponge!

You are a modern hippy. You love the earth and all
of its creatures, and you could care less what
society thinks of you. You are a peaceful
person, and your body is your temple. You have
very diverse friendships, and you form close
bonds with the people you allow to get close to
you.


What menstrual product are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

My husband and brother are in NYC as I type. So half of the trip down, half to go. I'm feeling less stressed by the hour....

I know another rant against the media isn't getting anyone anywhere, but here I go again.

All this "fat" stuff got me thinking again. How come all the t.v. shows, movies, commercials and videos have absolutely no problem pairing a fat guy with a hot woman but almost never do you see a fat woman with a hot guy? Yet another example of the media telling us one pairing is ok but the other is not. That fat women are not sexual beings, not worthy of attraction. I know, I know, I shouldn't expect more of the media. I guess it just bothers me that so many people buy into it, that if a woman on TV gains a few pounds it's a travesty but men can be as heavy as they wanna be. I admit I'm all hot and bothered by Kevin James (the King of Queens guy) but do you really think Leah Remini would give him a second look in real life?

The problem is that yes, she probably would. You see, most women aren't totally visually stimulated where most men are. At least the men and women I know. Women seem to be more likely to overlook physical stuff if the emotional and personality stuff is there. Men? They usually first see a rack and a hot ass.

Women are so much cooler than men. I wish I were a lesbian.

Methinks I'm ready for Mace to start walking, or crawling, or something. He's almost 10 months old and still doesn't want to maneuver himself around. He'll roll, but that's about it. So mostly his mode of transportation is my arms. And at 25 lbs he's massive and my arms and back are killing me!

There is a tad more drama going on around here. My husband and my brother are going to drive into New York City, into the worst neighborhood in NYC, to pick up my sister and her family who are moving back here. So a nine hour drive, and no one is acting like this is a big deal, like it's a big request to make of one's family. I'm stressed about the drive, the crazy traffic in NYC (where neither my husband or my brother have ever been) and the fact that no one is even appreciative of what they're doing. Well, my sister and her family are not at least. It's a long story, but I'm assuming it's only going to get worse when they do finally get here as far as their expectations of us. Fun fun!

I rode approximately 4 miles on my NEW bike this morning!! Yay me! I've been walking a mile a day for a few weeks but this kicked my butt.

Plus, just as a kicker, we got an amazing deal on the bike. Got it originally on clearance for $25, it didn't work so we got to exchange it for a full price one!

So it was cheap and is a great workout that I can do with the kids when I wanna take it easy. I'm happy...at least more than I was at 4:15pm last Thursday when the lights went out in Ohio...ugh!

There’s been a lot of “weighty” issues around the blogs this week (least the ones I regularly read) and it’s got me thinking.

I think the single most annoying assumption people make about those with weight problems is that we don’t know anything about losing weight/eating healthy/good exercise habits. Most people assume we’re just waiting around for that one hot diet tip or new exercise routine; that we don’t know what we should eat instead of that pint of Ben and Jerry’s. And you know what? That’s so totally wrong. Most overweight people I know are more knowledgeable about this stuff that your average joe. We have to be. We read all the articles, we know plyometric and isometric exercises, we know our resting heart rate and target heart rate, we know the physiological reason the high protein diet is so effective (if not the most healthful). At least, again, most of the people of size I know personally know these things. I know these things...it doesn’t stop me from lying on the couch and choosing not to exercise on some days or going ahead and eating that pint of B&J’s (of course along with an otherwise healthy diet the rest of the day). And I know if I exercised every day and didn’t eat the whole pint I could lose weight. I’ve done it before and I know I can. I’m not going to say my genes make me fat or place blame. I know why I, myself, am overweight. I do eat more than I should and move less than I should. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know anything about health. It doesn’t mean that I don’t walk a mile most days. It just means I’m unfortunately being defined by a few poor choices I make in my daily life.

This is brought into focus by a “friend” I have who recently lost a bit of weight. She now takes it upon herself to try to enlighten me on proper weight loss techniques. Um, I KNOW how to do it, I’m just not choosing to make it a priority at this particular moment. And just because I look heavy, how do you KNOW that I’m NOT working on it? It’s these assumptions that bother me, especially coming from someone who has been where I am and knows more closely what I’m feeling than most people.

I guess my point is, don’t judge fat people. We’re not stupid or lazy, most of us just have a passion for good food which is just one small trait of our personalities, ourselves.

I just put in some quality pint-diving time. Can someone tell me why ice cream is so good right out of the container? I mean really. I can feel myself expanding already.

Gregory Hines died yesterday. He was 57. I think I’m going to go out and rent Jelly’s Last Jam and just revel in his amazing feet. I love tap and this man was just amazing at it. I’m sad that he’s gone on...

Just reading Holly's recent blog entry about her mother in law and I started thinking.


My mother in law drives me bats. Anyone who knows me, knows this. She doesn't agree with any of our lifestyle or parenting choices. She takes many opportunities to say so. I get the distinct impression that she just doesn't like ME personally; that I'm the reason we've made these choices and were it not for me her son would be some 9-5 working stiff who only cared about money and having nice things.


But, differing from Holly's MIL, mine genuinely loves her grandkids and wants to spend time with them. Well, I think she's partial to our oldest (she hasn't wanted us to have three kids, she didn't speak to us for three days after hearing about Macey's pending arrival...still pissed about that one but I digress...) but she does seem to care about them. Part of me almost wishes she would leave us alone though...how weird is that? I don't actually want her doing things with my kids, I don't want her to be an influence on them, you know? I realize that most people with uninvolved relatives wish for more involved ones, but I really and honestly don't. Her values and ideals are so far removed from ours that I'm truly afraid of what kind of effect she will have on our kids. I think it makes me a lesser person for admitting that, but there it is.

I guess I feel that if she doesn't respect us and our ability to make our own choices, then she earns less access to our kids, and us. Unfortunately, while S sees her as annoying, he doesn't see her as dangerous like I do. He would never want to intentionally take her out of our family picture as it were. He puts more value on family than I do, and maybe that plays a part here. But she just really gets under my skin with her comments and actions. I agree to an extent that you choose to pick up arrows others shoot at you, you choose to inflict the pain on yourself. But damn this woman is one helluva markswoman.

"That's how you beat a president who can get as many $2,000 checks as he wants, is to bring three or four million new people into the process, give them a reason to vote, and then you can beat George Bush."

I'm lovin' Howard Dean more and more every time I hear about him. Check out deanforamerica.com and see if you don't agree. Let's get him nominated!!

My mother sat an old box down in front of me, told me I could have what I wanted of it’s contents. I opened it and faces stared back at me. Oddly familiar faces, but ones I’d never seen in my lifetime.
My father was a very private person, almost to a fault. He never shared his life with us, his childhood, his past. He was evasive with his answers to our questions. We never met our family on his side, no grandparents, no uncles, no cousins.
This box contained pictures of his family. His younger brother, his only sibling. His mother. His father. The haunting pictures of his grandparents, my great grandparents...her picture lined with her hair. Hair, hair that I have a physical connection to. What I am made of is also in that 100 year old hair. These people lived and without their lives I would not be. But I don’t know them, I don’t know what their lives were like. My father was born in the middle of the depression, but all the pictures were full of happiness. I only really remember my father as an older man, he was approaching 50 when I was born, but seeing pictures of him as a young adult looking almost Hollywood handsome. These pictures are amazing.
I feel like I’ve gotten to know my father in a much more intimate way than I did in his lifetime, unfortunately for me. I will never know many things, like what took him to Ireland, what led him to teach college level agronomy, they whys of many of the things he did in his lifetime. But I know, even with all his aloofness, that he loved my brother and I. As much as I remember some of the words said in anger I will equally now remember the little things kept hidden away; a poem written by myself as a teenager, cards made by children’s hands, the menus my brother and I made for our bake shop (we sold my parents little cakes made in my Holly Hobbie oven; we were ever the entrepreneurs) and now these pictures. These things were important to him, as I now know we were. Unfortunate that we couldn’t know these things about him in his lifetime.

I’m enjoying these pictures, though. Seeing glimpses of the person he was before he was our father. Half the pictures don’t have anything on the back or any indication who the people are in the picture; this is why I will place the ones we do know in our scrapbook. I want to make sure my kids know who these people are even if I didn’t.

OMG Y..E..S!!! You must read this....it's freaking fabulous!

My mother in law apparently thinks I've let myself go. She hints about hair cuts and nail polishes and make up. She doesn't "get" me.

Sure I used to wear make up more regularly, but I've never been a glam gal. I'm not into that. And certainly not during the last few years in which I've become more enamoured of natural things. I don't want to put chemicals all over me, and I strive to look and feel more natural.

But this has got me thinking. Where and when did women get the idea that they had to put colors on their cheeks, eyelids and fingertips? How did this start? Cosmetics were used as early as the Roman empire, when women would wear face paints to attract attention (a.k.a. men) and we know the Egyptians used makeup. Lighter makeup was used to show that a person didn't have to toil in the fields (and were therefore not subjected to the sun), and early prostitutes used bright makeup to contrast with the higher class women who had paler skin. Reasons for using makeup have been myriad.

It was as recently as the 1920's that makeup became accepted in the U.S. When woman achieved higher social status, makeup came along for the ride. Women were "told", through the mass media of course, that cosmetics were vital to their attractiveness and even their worth. And women bought it, hook, line and sinker. Same thing happened concerning shaving legs and underarms. Magazines and radio (and later TV) commercials told women they weren't feminine unless they did these things.

So we were all manipulated by marketing to use cosmetics and shave our pits. The damage is done; those things are mainstream now. Like I said, I used to buy into all that completely. Now? Now I use a little foundation to even out my skin tone, a touch of eyeliner and lipstick and I'm done. I no longer feel a real need to use more, to dye my hair, to be anal about body hair. I don't feel like I need makeup to run out to the store or to go for a walk. And it irks me that people think it's "letting myself go". I'm clean, my hair is combed and usually styled...but I may have a few days growth on my legs. Why am I all of a sudden unfeminine because of that?

Well, I'm not. Not unfeminine that is. I'm still a woman, my value is not in what I put on my face or what I don't shave off my legs. I'm not going to be a marketing whore, I'm going to do my own thing. I'll leave you with my current fave quote by India Arie:

"Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I comb my hair and sometimes I won’t. Depend of how the wind blows I might even paint my toes. It really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul.."

Okay, need to work on watching my language. I knew I did. I have a really bad sailor tongue. But when I hear my 4 year old chasing our escaped kitten yelling "come back here you little son of a bitch" I know something's gotta give.

oh...man. Can you say embarrassing??

So I wake only to find out I bounced a check. Woofreakinhoo. Let's see...house not selling, old furnace about ready to give out, husbands hours might be cut back next month, a bounced check and a yeast infection.

Stop wishing you were me!

It’s rainy out and I’m bored. I usually love rainy days and have many a fantasy about moving to Washington state where it rains more days than not. But for some reason, today it makes me feel...uneasy, antsy, unsure.
I found out today an online friend is expecting her fourth baby. I actually had pangs of jealousy! What a lousy friend I am. She had her third just weeks after I had my third. I’m mentally smacking myself, why in the world am I jealous? She has an 8 month old and is pregnant. I wouldn’t want to be pregnant now if you paid me. But jealous I am. Happy for her, excited for her, supportive of her, but jealous just the same. I know we’re done. Me? I could keep popping them out indefinitely if I weren’t worried about things like money, overpopulation, an already worrisome lack of time. S is sure he’s done, no wistful looks at newborns, no what if’s in his mind.
In my mind I’m this with it mom, I have things under control. I’m all powerful, all knowing. The reality is I’m pretty sucky at this. I don’t seem to manage my time well, I feel overwhelmed frequently. I’ve just recently been able to take all three to the store at once without having an almost-panic attack. My house isn’t all clean and tidy. Most days I run around like a chicken with it’s head cut off (another mom-ism). So I know adding another kid to this mix, at any point, isn’t going to be do-able.
But still...but still. I don’t think I’ll ever get past the “what if’s”. I sometimes wish we could just be one of those couples who says they’ll have all the universe will give them...but we can’t be. So I just have to harbor my petty jealousy when other’s announce their pregnancies, and try not to feel so guilty about it.

On a related topic, I’ve been thinking a lot about becoming a surrogate mother in the years to come. I love being pregnant and birthing, and since we’re done (see above) I thought this would be a great way to experience it all again. I’ve been conversing with some surrogates and reading a lot to see if it’s something I could do. I was all worried about the post partum stages, and how I would feel after the fact. Right around the time I was mulling this over, by kismet perhaps, a study was released showing that almost all surrogate mothers don’t feel remorse or sadness after their journey is complete. It was on CNN and everything. I thought it odd that it came about right at the time I was wondering if this would be an issue for me. That plus a few other odd coincidences having to do with surrogacy have happened, leading me to think this might be something I want to thing seriously about. I have time though, because I can’t be nursing when I start the surrogacy process. Since the amazing boob boy doesn’t show any signs of weaning anytime soon, I can mull this over and see what comes of it.
I know a lot of people ask “but how could you give up your baby?”. First of all, it wouldn’t be “my baby”, it would be genetically related to me at all. It’s the embryo of the mother and father. You can be a traditional surrogate, where you do use your own eggs, but that’s not what I would be interested in doing. I would be a gestational carrier, I would be renting out my uterus as it were. I would get to have the pregnancy and birth experience, but would get to come home afterward and actually rest, no newborn to take care of! Another upside is that many surrogates will end up having twins due to the IVF procedure, and I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have multiples. My mom had two sets of twins so all us daughters (there are seven of us total) have wondered if we would have twins. None of us have (and we’re all pretty much done having kids).
Anyway...enough of my Monday afternoon ramblings. What’s for dinner, what’s for dinner....

You know a few posts back when I said I was back on the weight loss bandwagon and was going to lose another 20 lbs? Well, I totally lied. I fell off the wagon shortly after that post. I think I might have got up out of this chair and walked directly into a wall of chocolate. Oh well.

So I'm really trying to get motivated again. How did I do that first 40 lbs? How? Because I don't remember and I can't get back there. I really do need to lose another 20, just to feel better and be more comfortable in my skin. But I seem at a total loss as far as how to get there. I was doing Weight Watchers when I lost the weight, and it seemed easy at the time, but I just can't get back into it for whatever reason. I suck!

I have been walking about a mile a day, which is making me feel better. But the Dove promises I eat after the walk certainly don't help matters.

I’m feeling very happy today. I’ve got that pie feeling. Oh, wait, I’ve never tried to explain that “pie feeling” here have I? Well, let’s see...I never do a good job explaining just what this feeling is...so let me think a minute...

Picture a crisp fall day. Not too cold, just cool enough for a nice oversized cable knit fisherman’s sweater. The leaves are multicolored and fall to the sidewalk; they rustle when you walk through them. You live in an old Victorian house along a tree lined street. The house is warm and cozy. It smells like apple PIE when you walk in. That’s one type of pie feeling. It’s the same one I feel when watching The Cosby Show; don’t ask me, it’s just there. My pie feeling has to do with feeling content, happy...just feeling like I’m “home” in my life. And that’s how I’m feeling today.

I have reasons that I could be unhappy for today, who doesn’t. But I’m feeling that the reasons to be happy far outweigh any others. Life is mmm, mmm good! I guess, though, that all my happy feelings are tentative, I’m waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. I think something has to happen to jerk me out of my happy reverie. I’ve always felt this way. But for some reason lately I feel I’m becoming more at ease with the future. I don’t have to know what’s going to happen tomorrow. I can’t know, so why worry about it. Maybe that’s the key to not having all these up and down emotion, just enjoy whatever ride I’m on at the moment. Don’t worry about the next one. Wait, wait just a gosh darned minute...is this living in the moment again? Yes, yes it is. Common theme with me, no?

Appt. of Dr Hager

President Bush has announced his plan to select Dr. W. David Hager to head up the Food and Drug Administration's (FDA) Reproductive Health Drugs Advisory Committee. The committee has not met for more than two years, during which time its charter has lapsed. As a result, the Bush Administration is tasked with filling all eleven positions with new
members. This position does not require Congressional approval. The FDA's Reproductive Health Drugs Advisory Committee makes crucial decisions on matters relating to drugs used in the practice of obstetrics, gynecology and related specialties, including hormone
therapy, contraception, treatment for infertility, and medical alternatives to surgical procedures for sterilization and pregnancy termination. Dr. Hager's views of reproductive health care are far outside the mainstream of setback for reproductive technology.

Dr. Hager is a practicing OB/GYN who describes himself as "pro-life" and refuses to prescribe contraceptives to unmarried women. Hager is the author of "As Jesus Cared for Women: Restoring Women Then and Now." The book blends biblical accounts of Christ healing women with case studies from Hager's practice. In the book Dr. Hager wrote with his wife, entitled "Stress and the Woman's Body," he suggests that women who suffer from premenstrual syndrome should seek help from reading the bible and praying. As an editor and contributing author of "The Reproduction Revolution: A Christian Appraisal of Sexuality Reproductive Technologies and the Family," Dr. Hager appears to have endorsed the medically inaccurate assertion that the common birth control pill is an abortifacient. Hagar's mission is religiously motivated. He has an ardent interest in revoking approval for
mifepristone (formerly known as RU-486) as a safe and early form of medical abortion. Hagar recently assisted the Christian Medical Association in a "citizen's petition" which calls upon the FDA to revoke its approval of mifepristone in the name of women's health. Hager's desire to overturn mifepristone's approval on religious grounds rather than scientific merit would halt the development of mifepristone as a treatment for numerous medical conditions disproportionately affecting women, including breast cancer, uterine cancer, uterine fibroid tumors, psychotic depression, bipolar depression and Cushing's
syndrome.

Women rely on the FDA to ensure their access to safe and effective drugs for reproductive health care including products that prevent pregnancy. For some women, such as those with certain types of diabetes and those undergoing treatment for cancer pregnancy can be a life-threatening condition. We are concerned that Dr. Hager's strong religious beliefs may color his assessment of technologies that are necessary to protect women's lives or to preserve and promote women's health. Hager's track record of using religious beliefs to guide his medical decision-making makes him a dangerous and inappropriate candidate to serve as chair of this committee. Critical drug public policy and research must not be held hostage by antiabortion politics. Members of this important panel should be appointed on the basis of science and medicine, rather than politics and religion. American women
deserve no less.


WHAT CAN YOU DO?



1. Send this to every woman who is concerned about women's rights.

2. Oppose the placement of this man by contacting the white house and tell them he is totally unacceptable on any level.


Please email President Bush at president@whitehouse.gov and say "I oppose the appointment of Dr. Hager to the FDA Reproductive Health Drugs Advisory Committee.
Mixing religion and medicine is unacceptable. Using the FDA to promote a political agenda is inappropriate and seriously threatens women's health."

I really wanna go to the beach today!! But with only the one vehicle and S at work, it's a no go. sigh...

So here we are at home. Maddie's reading a tractor catalog (my kids are weird, that's all I'm sayin'), Gage is upstairs playing games with his new bestest bud from a few doors down and Mace is wreaking havoc in here behind me. So things are going well right now...but I wanna go to the beach! Waaahhh! (and yes, this is a beach in Ohio so therefore not a real beach by any stretch of the imagination, but it's a big lake and there's sand so it counts as a beach in my book lol!)

Forgot how much I liked Firewoman by The Cult...

Anyway, I'm pondering this whole downloading music brouhaha. Let me start by saying I am a pretty ethical person. Karma and all that. But I can't stop myself from downloading music. I do get people saying it's theft and everything, but I don't find myself conflicted about doing it. I have no problem doing it. Just downloaded some Bad Religion and Coldplay a few minutes ago (okay, and can someone hold and intervention for me and my Coldplay obsession?). Why is this? Why do I see the theft/downloading connection yet I don't feel guilty in doing it? I dunno.

I will say that I would not have bought any of these albums. I'm too po'. So I'm not taking money out of their pockets, I'm just becoming a fan that I might not have otherwise had I just heard a few songs on MTV or something. I've developed a love of John Cale music, Rufus Wainwright, discovered Alphaville and deepened my love of the Crash Test Dummies. But I never would have bought or even known of the existence of some of this music. So I don't see the harm. I'm rationalizing, I know. Oh well, they can come for me if they want. As my mother says, they can't get blood out of a turnip.

Threat rating: High. The Bush administration is
concerned that it may not get a second term.
Therefore, we are going to change the rules so
that each Democrat vote only counts as 0.2
votes because Democrat is a shorter word than
Republican


What threat to the Bush administration are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

My oldest son is a man about the neighborhood this summer. It’s taking some getting used to.

Obviously, since we’re homeschooling we get a lot of flak from family about his needing to be “socialized”. Apparently, he’s going to be socially backward and not know how to forge friendships with other kids because we homeschool. Eyes rolling here. This kid is a friend magnet. These days I’m lucky to see him an hour or two a day. He’s out of here by 9 a.m. most mornings, after having been beckoned by the boys two doors down. They’re his friends of choice lately. Then there’s the little girl across the street, a couple older boys who were friends of the aforementioned neighbor boys, the girl next door who’s usually there all summer (partial custody arrangement) and the assortment of kids who live who-knows-where. It’s fascinating to watch. This is the first year he’s really gotten out and about in the neighborhood. And of course we’re trying to move. But I just know he’ll make new friends wherever we go. This is the kid who can go to McPlayland and have all the kids there following him like puppies within minutes, and not just kids his own age. He’s able to play with a veritable gamut of ages, from the 3 year old girl next door who just loves him, to the 15 year old who he likes to ride bikes with (nearby of course). I love that about him, that he doesn’t want to just play with other seven year olds, he’s an equal opportunity friend. He’s cool that way.

Of course the one thing this means is that he doesn’t need me as much to be a playmate, a secret sharer. It’s sad but liberating at the same time. Sad for me, but liberating for him as he can now choose who he does what with, he has more options. Unfortunately for me, this means some of those options will not be things I would approve of. He told me about this cool game he’d been playing with his two buds...I was okay until I found out it was Mortal Kombat. Um, no, Homey don’t play ‘dat. So I’m still having to insert my groundrules, which is harder to do when the ground is not my own. I trust that he follows our family rules, but I can’t know for sure.

Well, I’m off for a walk with Maddie and Mason, who are still young enough to need my constant attentions.

Just have to say how much I love The Scientist by Coldplay. Their music is so full of utter poetry...

Speaking of COLDplay, anyone ever catch the band Cold? Is the lead singer supa fine or am I imagining things. WoWoWoW! But with a name like Scooter...I dunno...takes away from the mystique.

I’m going to literally pull my hair out. Well, whatever I have that isn’t already falling out what with my postpartum hormonal fluctuations.

I have so much to do today and the rest of the week for that matter. I made a good sized dent in it this morning though. Let me make a list, indulge me (hey, I just wanna see that I did something this morning!)
-cleaned out both the junk drawer and junk cabinet in the kitchen and cleaned the misc paperwork off the top of the counter
-took care of an insurance problem that’s been hanging around for, oh, a year or so.
-checked into getting a home-for-sale ad placed on our local cable channel.
-got everyone fed, including the girl from across the street.
-cleaned out the kiddie pool and it is now filling with gloriously clean water
-gathered some good karma by giving away all my baby furniture to a neighbor’s friend (teenaged and pregnant and not getting support from her family)
-got the pile of dishes washed and put away

Okay, so I’ve done a bit. But it’s 2 o’clock, I should have gotten more done by now! We’re having an open house on Saturday so I still have a lot of cleaning and de-cluttering to do. Gotta move a coupla big chairs and a desk to my moms, have to put away the huge tote of winter clothes I just put together to make the closets look nice and roomy, need to dust and wash walls, keep the kids from making chaotic messes in every room, organize the kitchen cabinets. Lots to do and not much time to do it in. I mean, my oldest is testing my patience a hundred times a day and my youngest has decided that naps are no longer of importance in his life. Yay me.

This is getting stressful. We’re getting no activity on our house. It’s been up for sale for about 4 months now, and we’ve had some walk throughs but not one offer. And no calls for about two weeks. It’s quickly getting to the point where we have to do something.

I’ve done everything the sites and books recommend for selling your home yourself. I’ve put away pictures, decluttered big time and put all my small appliances away (leaving the kitchen counter bare). I’ve cleaned like a madwoman, or at least like I’m not accustomed to being the slob that I naturally am. I’ve cleaned and organized closets. Me, the person with the blackest thumb around, I’ve put hanging baskets, pots of flowers, annuals all around and on the porch. Plus we’ve priced it below market value just to get a quick sale. Obviously that didn’t work out as planned

Sure we got ourselves into this mess. Six years ago, why did I think we needed a bigger house with a bigger mortgage? I was still of the mindset that I needed to get ahead, keep moving up that proverbial ladder. So we got the bigger house, the minivan, all the accoutrements of an up and coming working outside the home soccer mom. But then I decided that wasn’t what I wanted, what we wanted. So we changed our working patterns, but not our lifestyle enough. We should have sold the house a few years ago. But we’ve just kept plugging along, thinking we could maintain everything with less income. Always a mistake. I’ve mentioned going back to work, but right now Scott is making more than I ever did or could at this point. So we pretty much have to stay as is. Plus Mason (who is 8 months today!) only wants mommy milk.

Now we’re wanting to sell and buy a modular home, put it on some land by my mother and brother and get on with our downsized lives. It will be a smaller home, but so much less stress. I can easily stay home while Scott works his reduced schedule. It will be bliss! But first, but first...we have to unload this house. Which will help us pay off all our debts. It’s not that we go out to eat, or go on vacations or that we spend a lot of money. The problem right now is that we’re already in over our heads so we’re getting further and further in debt each month, just paying basic bills. We already cook a lot from scratch, we don’t buy things we don’t need, we look for free or very low cost recreational activities...but at this point it’s not enough. If we don’t sell the house in the next few months, something drastic will happen. Not sure exactly what right now, I’m trying not to think about it. We’ll likely call a realtor soon, paying the commission is okay if the end result is a sold house. I’m having one final hurrah, a big open house next weekend, going all out with sending out flyers, advertising on our local cable channel, hanging signs everywhere. I just want to know I did everything I could have.

Stupidly, I thought parenting babies was the hardest phase of parenting. Surely it got easier after that, no? Sleepless nights, teething, poopy diapers...what could be worse?

Well, I'm finding out what could be worse. Parenting older kids. It's hard! And my oldest is only seven. But he's got the twin super powers of logic and back talk on his side. And I am a puny mortal, no match for such powers. When I tell him to do something and I see that flapping hand gesture (you know, to match my flapping mouth obviously) and the opening and closing mouth (you know, to demonstrate how my mouth is moving but apparently nothing of interest is coming out) I just want to scream! Where did this disrespectful kid come from?

At the same time, he's my first born. Still a baby in so many ways. And I think he's at that stage where he's trying to figure out if he's still a little boy or a somewhat bigger boy. He's testing boundaries...I just wasn't ready for my boundaries to be tested yet. Life just gets more interesting every day...sigh.

I had one of those moments today. You know, when you’re not sure what the proper reaction should be, you want to scream, cry and punch someone all at the same time?

One of the neighborhood kids, we’ll call her Summer, likes to hang out at our house. She’s one of those kids who can totally annoy you with her lack of social graces, but you try to overlook it since it’s really not her fault. I can tell by watching her family interact across the street that no one has taken an interest in teaching Summer the ins and outs of dealing with other people. She’s told me I’m fat before. Now, granted, I AM fat, but at almost eight years old most kids know not to just out and out tell someone that. She walks right into our house without knocking. She comes in even when we’ve said the kids can’t play right then, or we’re in the middle of dinner. She has no couth. But again, I figure she’s not been taught these things so I do my best to model good behavior in front of her.

Well, today. She came over and we were all sitting on the front porch. She was pushing Mason lazily back and forth in his stroller when she announced “my daddy touched my privates”. I didn’t think I’d heard her right. “What?!” I ask. Then she proceeded to tell me the whole story. A short while ago she had come home from her fathers (she lives with her mother and step father) and told her mom she hurt down there. Come to find out it was her father. I felt sick. I wanted to cry and scream and punch someone. I know things like this happen, but I’ve never seen it up close and personal before. I felt so very sad for her, for what she was having to process in that eight year old mind.

I know no one's reading this damn thing, but...or I should be glad because I can spew all kinds of things about people here and no one will ever be the wiser...bwahahahaha....

So I've started back on the weight loss wagon again. I quit around Easter and being the queen of accomplishment that I am, I gained back about 10 pounds pretty easily. I'm down a few and I mean to stick with it for another twenty pounds or so. Go me, Go me!

That is all...

Eight years ago this week, I was a very different woman than I am today. I was newly married, only six months in. We were only three months past having a miscarriage that was my first brush with the delicate divine I was trying so desperately to achieve. Eight years ago this week, we were trying to get pregnant again, not really understanding the enormity of the task. Eight years ago this week, I whizzed on a white stick and found out we were expecting our first child, Gage.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this, and who I was back then compared to who I am now. Sure I sometimes miss life being all about me. I admit to missing the ability to sleep in until however late I wanted, to being able to have relations with my husband whenever I wanted (and it was better back then, was it not?), I miss a lot of things about my pre-child self. But it seems like she was a different person completely than the one who sits here typing today. I’ve gone through an utter transformation in my views and thoughts on the world in general and my life in particular.

Who was I back then? A worker bee, a drone. I thought it was all about working a lot, “getting ahead” and being a grown up. I remember Scott trying to tell me it didn’t have to be that way, but I thought he was just not wanting to accept realities. He knew I just wasn’t ready to see the light just then. Looking back now, that woman was boring and going through life eyes closed.

But now....I think I see where we’re going, I don’t have to be responsible every minute, I can be a kid with my kids. I don’t have to know all the answers or even balance my checkbook regularly. I feel like shouting from the rooftops “I DON’T KNOW THE BALANCE OF MY CHECKING ACCOUNT!” I’ve let go of a lot of the notions I had back then about how life should be. I know now that it’s all open and out there and ready to be dived into. Okay, so many days I’m wading in the kiddie pool, but it’s nice knowing I can dive when I feel like it...I’m not stuck in the shallow end if I don’t want to be.

My life is full of boundless riches these days, and I do attribute that to my little family in many ways. They forced me to open my eyes and see the divine in the everyday.

After a recent disagreement with my family over the wonders of eating the flesh of other creatures, I’ve been thinking about the ever expanding chasm between myself and my family. It seems I’m questioned almost relentlessly over every decision we make, from vegetarianism to cloth diapering to homeschooling. I’m told there’s no reason to be environmentally conscious, as it doesn’t make a difference anyway. I’m told I need to toughen up my kids to get them ready for “the real world”. And no matter how much I explain why we do what we do, they continue to think we’re doing these things for no good reason. I’ve read reams of information about the decisions we make. No one needs to read anything to go with the flow, to send their kids to school, to use all the paper products they can buy, to eat meat and they never get questioned. I try to make informed decisions and I get flak about it.

I do know this is because the choices we’ve made are different, they differ from those our parents and our friends have made for the most part. I’m okay with other people making different choices. But it seems those who have made mainstream choices feel threatened by what we’re doing. Maybe because father culture is whispering in their ears; maybe because they feel that questioning the status quo is dangerous. Or maybe they just think we’re stupid.

I truly think that’s it. They really don’t listen to our reasoning for not vaccinating our kids, they don’t listen to our reasons for using cloth diapers, they don’t hear anything positive about homeschooling. They just think it’s weird and not good for our kids. Based on nothing but their opinions! They won’t read anything about these things, they just think because it’s different it’s ultimately not right.

I’m sad about this, because it really is making a difference in how much I want to interact with my family. No one wants to be questioned constantly. I don’t want to have to explain over and over that no, I don’t want my kids eating bacon. And it kills me that my family can’t respect my decisions like this. They try to undermine me whenever possible, by getting Gage alone and telling him how wonderful school is and how he really should go, by encouraging our kids to eat meat when we’re not right there. These things make me extremely hesitant to leave the kids with them for any length of time at all. They’re not respecting us as adults, competent enough to make our own decisions about our family’s well being. It’s at times like these that I feel like I could move to a more progressive community and never look back.

Assessment went swimmingly. Gage is doing really well, he's good to go for another year of homeschooling. Now just to figure out if I'm ready...

Wow, that was a really judgemental post, eh? I know I'm supposed to thank the Buddha for every person I encounter (and I'm assuming that extends to MTV-types) and look for their true Buddha nature. But shit, this stuff begs for commentary!

If I drive by your house at night, and you have your blinds open or drapes pulled back, I’m going to look in your house. I want to see your living rooms, your dining rooms, your kitchens. I want to see you through your decor. I’m nosey like that.

It’s this blind desire that brings me to sometimes linger on MTV and watch Cribs. This is the show where music artists/actors/misc glitteratti open their doors to MTV and take MTV and you on a guided tour through their home. It’s a dumb show and I’m ashamed to say I’ve watched it. I have to say that most of these people have homes that are as vapid and superficial as their music is. Case in point? Mariah Carey. Her house is just horrid; it’s all gold and shiny, and looks absolutely unliveable. But she takes them to her upstairs sitting room and says...are you ready for this?...”this room looks exotic, like a mirage took place here”. Okay then Mariah, a mirage “took place”? Um, no. I don’t think so. Learn to speak the language and please try to understand the meanings of the things coming out of your mouth. Ugh.

Anyway, one of my absolute favorite episodes was when they visited Moby’s apartment. It was just so normal, no outrageous stuff, no glittering gold crap. And my most favorite part? When he took them to his bookcase, and added that he’s never seen a book or anything on most episodes of Cribs. He’s right. None of these artists seem to have anything inside their heads. They all have big TV’s and cars and “stuff”, but nothing more. Nothing to show they’re even trying to grow spiritually. Well, that’s because they’re not. I think most celebrities are very young souls. It’s sad really, that so many people look up to these “artists” and they really have nothing to offer but songs; most of which are just odes to their odious lifestyles.

But I digress. It’s nothing new that I don’t like what Hollywood, and our culture as a whole, values and places importance on, but this show just takes the cake. I could try to be less judgemental and assume that not every episode is as bad as the Mariah Carey one, the Nellie one, the Missy Elliott one. Or I could just become a Hollywood interior decorator and put together these tacky houses for millions of dollars.

We’ve scheduled our first homeschooling assessment. It’s only a week and a half away. I’m very nervous.
In case you’re not familiar with homeschooling, this is the end of the year assessment where we sit down with a certified teacher and she reviews Gage’s “portfolio” of work for the year. She then tells us if it’s satisfactory or not and off we go. Sounds harmless enough, eh? Sounds like it should be easy, right?
But this is the first one we’ve ever done. So I have no idea what to expect or what to take. I don’t know what is going to come out of Gage’s mouth when she asks him what he’s been up to this year. I’m just nervous.
I’m ultra disorganized. To be honest, I don’t have a portfolio. I have papers stuffed into cabinets here and there and I’ve yet to pull it all together to see where we are. We tend to unschool, which means we follow Gage’s lead in our educational pursuits. He likes trains, so we get lots of train books (reading, spelling) and go to various places to ride trains (history, geography) and we let him play with software that lets him set up train systems and run them (cognitive abilities)...heck we even try to work trains into math (remember those story problems where train A leaves Boston at 10:00 a.m. travelling at 50 mph and...?). So we don’t use any one curriculum or have a set of workbooks we can take with us to show what we’ve been doing.

A part of me feels such pressure to put on a good show. But that’s not the point of this whole thing. The POINT is that we’re letting Gage be the master of his destiny, we’re letting him choose the path of his education. We’re getting to be involved, we’re getting to see those lightbulb moments (and the lightbulb blowing out and sparking and catching the whole house on fire moments...er..those not so great moments). We’re not homeschooling to show someone else what we’re capable of, we’re homeschooling so that Gage can discover what he’s capable of. So I need to stop worrying. I’m sure it will be fine. I’m sure it will...

Baby as Buddha

I've been reading my Buddhism books again, wanting to get back into practice, or into practice for the first time really. All the talk about harnessing the wild horse that is your mind got me thinking. I'm one who think constantly and my mind jumps around relentlessly. Sometimes I have to explain how I got from point A to point B in my thought processes.

So I realize that with a baby, you have to live in the moment, you have to think about right this minute. It's poopy diapers or teething or no sleep, but you're always thinking about THIS moment. So maybe my bambino is teaching me to live in the moment in his own way. He's forcing me to.

Breathe in, breathe out....

Anytime you can catch it, watch a large woman unaccustomed to doing yoga try the plow pose. I'm sure it was a sight to behold. Well, considering I didn't make it into the actual plow pose but toppled sideways as I tried to get my legs up over my head I'm not sure what pose I ended up in.

At any rate, I don't think you're supposed to do yoga while Joe from Blue's Clues is yammering on in the background, one child is trying to come up and nurse on you while your eyes are closed and the other is telling you you're "too chubby to do that". Alrighty then....

You know, I was thinking...

Maybe it would be good for a marriage to have temporary separations every now and then. Just to let the partners miss each other little bit, and be excited at the prospect of coming back together. A chance not to view each other as just pains in the proverbial ass.

Of course, then there's always the possibility they won't miss each other at all. That could be a problem....

Had to post something so that the big purple guy isn't the first thing that pops up...

Life is a roller coaster lately; up and down and all around. I feel kinship to all the manic depressives out there.

My bambino has two seemingly giant teeth coming in, I'm dragging my feet about getting my homeschooling group started, no one wants to buy our house...BUT, I got to sleep in for Mother's Day and had breakfast made for me, my kiddos are pretty happy and I get to be a stay at home mom for at least a while longer. Up and down and all around, it's still pretty good.

Gay Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Allow me to bitch and whine.

I hate being a complainer, it's a trait I'm trying hard to change. But lately things just have been crazy. We had to repair our main water line into the house; an expediture we were totally unprepared for. Sure, my mom helped us out on that front, but it was still a big shocker. Then on top of that, somehow we are totally broke this week. Um, my house payment is due. Ugh! So it'll have to be paid with next weeks paycheck, which will put off paying the utilities we normally pay with that first check of the month. Which will put everything back a week naturally.
I hate money problems, but I think they clarify things for me in many ways. I appreciate that we have things that many people, even many people in this country, don't have. We own our house, we have a nice dependable car, we have plenty of food...we are truly living a blessed life. Sure we live paycheck to paycheck with all too occaisonal assistance from the plastic god, but we LIVE, you know? We're living every day, whether we want to be consumed by money stress or not, we live.
So right now, our house is on the market. Sign is out in the front yard and all that jazz. (note to self, must stop saying "all that jazz" now that Chicago was such a hit. Song will not leave mind) So we'll muddle along until someone decides to buy this thing then we'll move to the country pretty much debt free. That's the plan anyway. We'll see how reality decides to play us...

HAPPY EASTER!!!!!!

It's not even 9 a.m. and I'm eating chocolate!!!!!!!!

I'm going to regret this tomorrow........

Why is it that I get so consumed with things? I'll start thinking about some new possibility or change and I become obsessed with it. I think about it constantly. I try to figure out how to make it happen, what I should do, what it would mean...it's crazy.

And I knew I did this long before my darling husband decided to point it out to me. But I can't for the life of me figure out why.

Am I one of those people who thinks the next big change is going to be the one to finally and completely make me happy? But I feel so happy right NOW. I don't think I'm looking for happiness, at least not more than I have now. Am I a change junkie? Now that I could see. But I don't usually deal all that well with change, so why would I crave it?

I just don't know. I do know that I need to "be here now", I need to cherish this moment and be present in it. I think I'm such a planner that I keep planning for tomorrow and never living today. Not a good way to live I think. I'm losing all these moments by thinking about next month or next year. My kids are growing up right before my eyes and I'm going to miss it unless I snap out of this. So here I go, to live in the moment. Or at least try to until next week...or next month. If I can squeeze it in.

Oh yeah, and this is a cool blog!

Purple Goddess in Frog Pyjamas

Something else I was thinking about recently...

I am so pro-woman that for a few minutes I thought no, women shouldn't be in combat. Leave the men to that. Women are soulful, mystical, life bearers...they are not war bringers.

But then someone pointed out that it's a slippery slope. If we say women can't be in combat, then where will the line be drawn? Will women be stopped from x simply because they are women? Makes sense, so my mind is changed. Well, that and my femme pride at seeing an interview with a female fighter pilot; you go woman!

I seriously think that once you hit your childbearing years you become a slave to your hormones; at least where childbearing is concerned. I admire those women who can put it off or even ignore the pull of babies. I really do.

I’m not one of them. I've come to the realization that I' m the type of woman who will never feel "done" having kids. When I was a teenager, I told anyone and everyone that I would never marry and absolutely never have kids. Just wasn’t crazy about them. They were alright, but way too much work for this lazy gal. People said I would change my mind, and I assured them that I would not. I met my now-husband and fell hard for him; we lived together but I still had no real urge to get married. Then I hit the ripe old age of 22. I’m sure the little guys controlling my hormones had been on sabbatical until then. They must have just noticed that they had turned off the biological clock! Oh no! All of a sudden I adored babies; just loved them; salivated over them in fact. Yes, let’s get married so we can have itty bitty baby-wabies!! I was a slobbering mess...

So we got married and had our first baby. It was bliss, it was wonderful! Life was good. Then he hit two years old and the old hormones started churning again. Baby, baby, BABY!!! So we had our daughter. And we were done! Surely we were done, right?! I felt done. For the most part...

But then the old baby lust kicked in again. Baby, baby, BABY! Now we have three kids. Three. From the girl who said she’d never push forth a babe from her loins. From the girl who never wanted a lot of responsibility. I feel like that guy from the commercial...the thought that I am responsible for another human life is utterly ridiculous! But I love my kids...god I love ‘em! And guess what...this time the hormone guys know I’m their bitch. They had me at hello. Baby, baby BABY!!

I'm now up to 40 pounds lost. Sorry, but I'm darned proud of myself! Why do I feel awful when I share good things I've done? Like I'm boasting or something...but I'm just happy I've come this far.

My Levi's are loose and I can see my toes in the shower. It's a good thing.

Still around...just trying to come to grips with everything going on. Trying not to watch so much CNN. Flipping over to the Love Boat just to get some brain candy...

On the homefront, I'm realizing it's impossible to get a house ready to sell with small children running amok. I'm wondering if tv-sedation is such a bad thing at this point.

Also, I'm going to be turning the big 3-1 on Sunday. Shouldn't I be a grown up by now? Nahhh....I'm just getting started!

"Heaven can wait,
We're only watching the skies
Hoping for the best
But expecting the worst
Are you going to drop the bomb or not?
Let us die young or let us live forever
We don't have the power
But we never say never
Sitting in a sandpit,
Life is a short trip
The music's for the sad men
Can you imagine when this race is won?
Turn our golden faces into the sun
Praising our leaders,
We're getting in tune
The music's played by the madmen"

Wow. Did Alphaville ever have it right. And they wrote the song back in '84.

The hawks are looking for any reason to get in there. I couldn't even listen to Powell blather on. Even after Blix and ElBaradei repoted progress, we have to jump in with "but, but, but..." It's never enough. I hear the drumbeat on the horizon and I am scared.