I'm feeling like I have a lot of "stuff" to get out, like I need to do some writing and vent my spleen a bit. Not sure about what though lol so that puts a damper on things.
I'm feeling pretty good with life lately, content I guess. I feel like things are going pretty well right now. It's two weeks until Christmas, we didn't use any credit cards this year and we're pretty much ready for the big day. We got the kids gifts I'm sure they're going to love. Things are going well. I know I feel like our financial struggles are huge quite a bit, but when I really look at our situation and I hear about other's going through tough times..well, I see that we don't have it that bad.

I'm still broody as hell, and I don't know what to do with that. To be honest, I have this deep feeling that we will have another baby, and it won't go away. So my wondering if I do or don't want another seems pointless. It might sound crazy, but I just feel on a soul level that it's already written, it's done. Scott still seems to be coming down on the side of being done, but I can't shake this. I've told him about it, and told him if he's really wanting to be done then he needs to do something because otherwise I truly feel like it's just going to happen. I won't make it happen, he's still in control of the birth control lol but I have a sense it's just fate. Of course he won't really do anything about it.

Anyway. I feel secure about it when I'm thinking about our little family, but when I start thinking about extended family I get anxious. None of them would understand. At all. I guess it's not about them and that's what it comes down to, but still...

For now, like I said, I'm feeling good. I'm going to keep working on getting to a healthier place and go from there. I need to do that anyway. This next year sure should be interesting! I'm actually looking forward to a new year for a change...hopefully getting started with the addition, getting some chickens (my mom was getting rid of hers but decided to wait a bit...we'll likely take a few in the Spring if she still wants to get rid of them), doing a really nice garden...and maybe, just maybe, something else new too.

*cough cough* Well, I think I've finally managed to get to the other side of this illness. I suppose it was the flu. It hit Maddie, Lily and I pretty hard. Over two weeks of feeling like crap...uber fun.

So today I finally took the first step in possibly getting Mace a diagnosis. He's got quite a few eccentric behaviors that I feel are starting to affect him more and more. I'm betting he's on the Autism spectrum, likely on the high functioning end. At the very least PDD. I just want to get him some occupational therapy to work on a few things that are interfering with his day to day activities. I hate to go down this road, but it looks like the wagon's been waiting at the gate for some time. I'd been beating myself up over the behaviors at hand because I felt like maybe I just wasn't being a good parent, wasn't "working with him" enough to make changes. I finally came to the realization that I did *not* have to work hard to teach the other kids these things; I realized he's just a tad different and that's okay and it doesn't make me a bad parent. He really is an amazing kid on many levels.

And of course, this multi kid + mom illness plus the likely cascade of therapy appts for another child make me think another kiddo isn't such a great idea. I just don't know.

In other news, we are finally getting chickens! Just four for now (four of my mom's, already laying) but I need to kick it into gear and get a coop built. Hopefully this weekend...dh has some things he's been working hard at, and if he finishes he can help me throw this together. Overall, things are good!

Okay, not much more baby whining. After some more talking, I'm just going to say I think we WILL have another baby at some point, likely within the next year and a half! And that's all I'm going to say (he's seeming to come around, I think it's mainly that he feels he'd like another, but then he worries about the particulars like time and such). And I don't want to dwell on it lest I jinx everything lol

Starting to seriously look at this building stuff. We need to get working on this addon. At least get some planning done for Spring. It'll be so nice to have more room. We're adding on a living room type space plus two bedrooms. We really need it. I know downsizing is a good thing, but apparently we can't declutter much more and we're still pretty full to bursting here. Maybe over the winter we can also fix the master bath (floor, finish drywall, new toilet, new sink/cabinet). It'd really be nice to have that nice whirlpool garden tub working...ahhh. I think I'm going to need it this winter with us all cooped up. I've already got the kids winter gear out, hoping they'll like trekking about in the snow more than they did in town (much more fun in fields and woods lol)

God, I need to get this out. I need to get over it is what I need. But I just can't. I feel a sadness so deep I can't even begin to explain it. I think about not having another baby (yeah, yeah, THAT again) and I feel a physical emptiness in my chest. Man, I can't do this. I seriously wonder if there are women who have to go through therapy to get over this desire.

I hate to go on and on about this, and it's not something that rules every moment but it seems to bubble to the surface every now and again. Okay, every day or two lol. And it happens when I'm least expecting it. I won't even be thinking about it then all of a sudden I'm feeling so sad that I won't have another baby. And it's not just the baby, it's another "person" in the family. This time it feel differently than it did "wanting" number 3 and number 4. I don't feel like someone is missing, I just feel like someone "has to be here" or needs to be here. Like it's something we just have to do, we don't have a choice. Then I remember we kinda do have a choice and the choice is that we're done. Made by my husband, but he has a right to that decision. It just feels like a knife in the heart every time I realize it's decided, it's over. I keep having moments where it seems like a possibility and I cannot explain the peace that comes over me, just a feeling of "rightness" that disappears when I start realizing, no, it's not really a possibility.

And I know I'm not this super mom. I get mad, I have bad days, I struggle with depression. Mild depression, but still, it sucks. I know we don't have lots of room, I know we don't have lots of money...but I just cannot shake this. And would I always feel this way? That's the question. I don't know. I can't always feel this way, I don't want to always feel this way.

I suppose I need to immerse myself in the kids I do have and just not look back. It's just sucky right now to have this sadness weighing on my heart.

Okay, okay...so it was PMS. I thought about deleting the post, but ya know, it's honest and honesty is okay, even when wrong. It's how I felt, right or no.

I guess I tend to overreact (nahhh, me?). One small fight and it's a slippery slope to "you don't love me!" lol. It's how I do.

Anyway...today things are good. Kids bickering a bit, but who has kids who don't? I know they're good kids overall, even on days I want to climb the nearest clocktower. Today's not quite one of those days. Yet.
I know I blather on about this, but it's on my mind quite a bit and I have nowhere to really get it out. No one "gets" this kid need. Everyone I know seems to think I'm slightly to extremely insane for even considering it. And ya know, that makes me feel like a crappy mom! Not that I need some family member or online friend to say "you're a fab mom! Have another kid! As a matter of fact, have five!!"...but I admit it feels weird when NO one seems supportive of it. Even those who are supportive of others big families. Things that make you go Hmmm for sure.

But as I think about it, I DO think I'm a pretty darn good mom. No, I don't do everything perfectly. Some days I get angry easily, some days I don't want to do homeschooling, some days I want to run screaming down the road. But doesn't everyone have these days? I truly believe they do. I know people online who hardly ever cop to having these days. I don't buy it. I love my kids, love being a mom...but I'm still ME and I still have all my flaws and issues. No one is perfect and therefore no one is a perfect parent. As long as I'm trying and as long as I'm striving to give my kids a good start, I think everything will be okay.
I really really think I have to stop worrying about what other people think and if they approve of my life. Because it's MY life!

Anyway, my mom had made a comment about if we had another, Lily wouldn't get all the attention she needs...wow, no attention with four sibs and us?! That's hardly a concern I have. And really, what more than a typical child does she need? I think, no I know because I was there at one point...I KNOW that people think she needs all this specialized care and attention because she has Downs. But you know what? She doesn't! She's a fabulous kid and I dote on her like crazy, as does her father and her brothers and sister, but she really isn't any more difficult or time consuming than my other kids. Actually less so than Mace who is still my handfull lol. And most people on the Downs board say a younger sib is actually good for a Ds kiddo!

At any rate, we're likely done. But still...

Having a ...day.

PMS is here in full force unfortunately. Things are weird.

Things that would be different...

Less laundry. But then I couldn't smell his shirts.

Could do what I want. But would only have myself to blame when everything goes bust.

No more worries about disappointing someone.

No waiting for him to come home from work, wondering if the house is clean enough, did I do enough during the day. But then no more waiting for him to come home from work.

Marriage is hard. We're in a hard place right now. He's a great person. I love him. Not so sure he loves me. What do you do then? Do I be the bigger person and let him go, or let him stay and be unhappy?

Might be all PMS but who knows. What do you do with yourself after being not just yourself for 16 years? And who would catch the spiders?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about other people. I know it’s a lost cause, trying to figure people out, but I keep plugging along hoping at some point I’ll stumble upon some epiphany. It hasn’t happened yet, but maybe someday…

What’s bugging me lately is the perception other people have about what we’re trying to do, how we live, how we raise our kids, etceterah etceterah…

Okay, and when I’m talking about people, it’s mostly my mother in law lol But it’s also some of my family as well. I really try not to dwell on it, but I hate people to get the wrong idea and run with it. That’s evidenced by my taking MY time to print out pages of studies/info about Downs to give to my mom’s friend who insists Lily has Downs because I didn’t get the Rhogam shot. So many things wrong with that, but the fact that I took MY time to try to show her the error of her ways when she’s just a small minded know it all…I really shouldn’t do that, I shouldn’t care so much about correcting misinformed people. But I do. Anyway…so these “people” seem to have the idea that we were forced into downsizing and that we really don’t want to live this way. UGH! We’ve been planning this for AGES. At least several years anyway lol. And yes, there have been some financial pitfalls along the way we hadn’t anticipated. But to think we just “had” to do this and we really don’t want to? Dumb. They don’t understand any of this. I love my brother, but I always get the idea talking to him that he doesn’t understand our choosing this in the least. They’re the polar opposites of us, so of course it’s to be expected that they don’t “get” it. They think, who would want to live on little money, in a small house, without a big savings account? They don’t get the fact that we’re trying to show our kids you don’t have to work all your life away in a job you don’t like just to pay for big things.

I’m not saying this is right for everyone, or that it’s perfection, but it’s something we CHOSE to do. Just like it was their choices that resulted in them working constantly, putting their kids in school and day care and living the way they live. I just hate being so in the minority that almost no one gets where we’re coming from or why we do what we do. I hate being looked down upon because we won’t just do things “like everyone else does”. It’s an uphill swim to be sure. And sometimes you just want to stop having to paddle so damned much.

We need to find a place that’s more hippie centric lol

I swear, I think I’m bipolar on this one issue lol. Of course I had to catch a repeat of one of those Duggar family specials. If you haven’t seen them, this family has 17 kids and they do shows on TLC about how they live, etc… As a by the by, if you do catch these types of shows, look for the Heppners. They have 12 kids iirc and I just love them. The Duggars are a source of discourse and discord on many parenting boards and some people love them, and others think they’re a bit wacko. If you know me at all, you know I wouldn’t live like they do lol but anyway… I watched the show and of course, now I want another baby. I figure, if they can have 17 and they’re not killing each other, why can’t I have 5?! Ugh
I was feeling FINE with being done; pretty sure I was finally moving past the old baby love. But no. Here we go again. Am I ever going to just get freaking OVER this?!?

I don’t know. I really don’t think Scott wants more, even though he tells me “you never know” when I go to get rid of Lily’s baby clothes. The man is making me crazy. I told him he’s really sending me mixed signals. I think he’s just feeling maybe a twinge of want, but is really done on a deeper level. It’s mainly a time issue I think. He feels, and he’s right on some levels, that we don’t get enough time to spend with the other kids as it is and that we’re not spending as much quality time as he’d like. Of course, he’s working a lot lately and that won’t always be the case and his idea of the right amount of “quality time” is way more than most dads. He’s a great dad and is always trying to do more with and for the kids. So in his mind, there’s not enough time. Whereas most people looking in from the outside would say SURE there’s enough time and he’s doing all the right things. If that makes sense…

I’ve said before the part that makes me saddest about having another baby is that both our families would think we shouldn’t. It makes me sad because I wonder if they just think we’re awful parents or something. I know most of this comes from their discomfort at our parenting styles and our homeschooling. They’re all of the traditional set; spanking and public school are good things to them. So I’m not sure it’s that they think we’re “bad” parents as much as they think we’re just doing things wrong. I actually hope that’s the case, I hope they realize we’re doing all we do out of love for our kids. And to be perfectly honest, most people moving on to have more than 3 kids are getting this same flak from their families. So it’s not just us. But still, the fact that a new baby would not be greeted with welcome saddens me.

And financially, we struggle. It’s gradually getting better, but it’s not perfect. Is anyone’s financial situation perfect though? I mean, even those people in my family who seem to have the “good jobs” have gone through layoffs and company takeovers and periods of unemployment. You can’t rely on most jobs anymore and this is why we’re choosing to lower our bills so that we need less money (i.e. we could get by on much less than most of the families I know just because our monthly outflow is pretty low comparatively. We could get by on a fast food job actually lol). Our main obstacle is that, egad, we want to be home with our kids! But having one of us home and the other gone less than 40 hours a week is more important than any number on a bank statement.

Anyway. I guess I’m trying to rationalize having a fifth child lol. What I’m really trying to do is get more organized within the house and see if things running more smoothly makes Scott more apt to forget the birth control lolol

Hit my lowest weight in a looong while and all I want to do is eat. Everything. Ugh.

This weight thing is hard. I can’t get people to understand that. Well, people who haven’t struggled with weight. It’s really hard to keep going, seems like such an uphill battle and…I don’t know. Maybe just having one of those days.

I think we’ve decided to be done. I feel good about it but I guess all the thinking about it has resulted in my dreaming about being pregnant and having babies almost every night lol The other night I had twins! We do need to think about doing something more permanent though, because, knowing us, we’ll end up pg again if we don’t do anything more than we’ve been doing. Resistance to our crazy fertility is futile for all but the most drastic of birth control measures it seems lol.

Everything else is okay. Currently trying to plan the front flower garden. The few bushes I planted initially are looking sparse and it all needs to be more planned out. I’m rubbish at figuring out what should go where though. Online plans are helping somewhat but wow, it’s complicated lol I want it to bloom Spring through Fall, I want some evergreens for winter color, I want some herbal flowers/plants, I want perennials as well as annuals…let’s hope I can do this lol

Yesterday, Scott asked me if, logically, I really wanted another baby. And I answered *logically* no. But deciding to have a baby, or another baby, can't ever be a logical decision. If we were all Vulcan and thought only logically we'd likely have died out before now. Deciding to have a baby is a decision of the heart, not so much the brain. But seeing as the heart tends to be a bit loopy and will follow rainbows, the mind is a good balancing mechanism.

I know there are many reasons for us not to have another baby. And there are reasons it would be perfectly okay for us to have another. I don't know which way we'll go; today I tend to be done lol.

My tooth is bothering me. I finally made an appt so in a week and a half, the dentist will look in my mouth and see his next vacation lol I need two crowns, one probably won't be a crown but an implant (ouch! both in my mouth and my pocketbook lol) It's near the back and isn't visible much, but it needs fixed. The ONLY tooth I've ever had get this bad is also the only one I've ever had a root canal in. I'm hearing since that this is common and root canals aren't always good things. The less damaged tooth is right in front. It's just starting, but I do think it'll need a crown as the filling the other dentist put in initially fell out and it's looking worse. And who knows how many cavities lol I know this is totally MY fault. After a couple kids, I just got busy and would forget to brush at night and/or in the morning, plus I'm already predisposed to dental issues as evidenced by the many visits to the dentist I had as a kid. ugh. I don't have dental fears, per se, but I don't relish the thought of many needles and drills lol

Wow has it been a while! Life's been busy I suppose :)

We finally did get moved and we've been here since..I guess it was May lol. It was an adjustment at first, but I think we've all managed to get acclimated. The kids are doing well..we're running back and forth from town quite a bit to make sure they still get to see friends and such. It's funny, most of their friends just want to come out here though.

I had my first small garden this summer, it's done okay but I'm hoping to put more planning into it for next year and go bigger with better results. I just did tomatoes, peppers, cukes, etc.. Maddie tried her hand and grew tomatoes, strawberries and watermelons. The melons are still coming on. I need to do soil testing for next year and get some compost worked into the ground. We have a nice, large, sunny area to expand the garden in and I'm hoping I do better next year lol. The weeds just had me going all the time!

Lily's doing great! I was so freaking excited I cried about a week ago when she finally went from tummy lying to sitting. We'd been working on that seemingly forever at home and at therapy and last Sunday BAM she just *did* it. She was on her tummy on the floor and I was reading Mace a book on the couch...I looked down and there she was, sitting up. I started asking everyone "did you sit her up?"...when they all said no I just felt so much relief and happiness. I kept watching her and finally actually saw her do it later that night. It's hard to explain just HOW excited we were to people who don't have kids without developmental disabilities. We'd waiting so long and worked so hard on that, it was just...amazing. She's trying to talk and loves to pull up and stand. She likes to do that at the edge of the bed. I truly think (trying not to jinx myself) she's going to do great. I don't think she'll be affected in a major way by the Downs. She just seems to love learning new things and tries so many new things...she really and truly is a blessing. I recall a friend saying that to me after she was born and I couldn't see how having to cope with this would ever be a blessing, but SHE is a blessing. We're lucky to have her.

Another year of homeschooling is upon us..eeks! I never feel like I do enough in that respect.

And as you can see from the ticker above lol I'm working on getting healthier. Sure, it's been ups and downs but so far this year I'm down about 25 lbs. Still a ways to go but I'm trying not to beat myself up about it. Scott and I have this joking "deal" where if I lose enough weight we'll have another baby lol I don't know how serious he is, and to be honest, I'm feeling more and more content with being done myself. And lest you think he's a big meanie for this "deal" I was the one saying I'd like to have a "normal" pregnancy at a more normal weight. I do feel my weight contributed to things like my blood sugars being high and all. Again, I don't know that we're going to have another baby. Five kids is just..a lot of kids lol I still think about the Downs thing and how it'd be better for her to have more sibs, but then I'm scared about the Downs thing too. I know odds say lightning won't strike twice but I guess once you get that first strike, you're more leary of the next storm.

Anyway, that's where we are. We're doing well..I hope to write more here. If anyone's reading, then fine..and if not, fine too :) I just need somewhere to compose my thoughts (I just typo-ed "compost" and I guess many of my thoughts would qualify as compost lol)

Whew! It's been a few weeks!

So we are officially MOVED IN! I can hardly believe we've actually done it. Still a few loose ends to tie up here and there, but for the most part we're settling in. A few bumps in the road in the form of my emotional ties to the old house and my concerns about moving the kids to the country, but things are looking up more and more all the time. We've been running the kids to playdates and activities to keep them in contact with their friends. Hoping to instill an interest in scouts or 4H so they can meet some kids out here too...

And last month I was sure I was so over that damned baby lust. I didn't even feel the urge for a baby at ovulation time and usually that's when my eggs are yearning for fertilization. I thought maybe that was it! I was finally going to understand those women who could so confidently say "I'm done!"...no such luck though. Here I am, mid cycle again and I'm rationalizing away, finding reasons why it would be fabulous to have another baby. Never mind I'm basically barely keeping my head above water as it is, fighting anxiety and depression...never mind my husband is really DONE (but I keep thinking, if he were, he would be more adamant about getting a vasectomy lol)...never mind all that, it's just all baby, all the time. Well, not all the time. But a lot of the time, particularly around ovulation.

I may have waxed on about this before, but I do feel a certain pull because of Lily's Downs. Mainly because I hear so many Ds moms say it's great for the child to have a younger sibling to help push them along, and even to give them a developmentally similar playmate for a while...and also because I'm thinking at some point, she may have to rely on her siblings for help in her daily life and four is better than three, right? And to some extent, I have a desire to try for that child I thought I was having...dumb I know. There are NOOOO guarantees lady!

I find I still do that numbers thing. I'll think "I can't have six kids!" oh wait, I would only have five (like that fifth one is a foregone conclusion)...or I'll look around, counting heads and be sure for a few seconds that we've forgotten someone. But this time, I'm not seeing that as a "sign" but more as evidence that I've accepted five kids. The same way when that happened when I wanted four. But back then, I was thinking "signs" lol So I don't think that means I should have five, it's just weird.

I keep looking back over my life to see if I knew somehow that I'd have a child with Ds. I don't think I did. I used to love that show Life Goes On, but I never felt this precognitive intuition that I'd have a child with Ds. I didn't have clues when I was pregnant at all. Oddly though, the other day I was cleaning up my music files folder and there was a song I'd chosen for Lily's birth...Natalie Merchant's Wonder. If you recall the video, there were girls with Ds on it. And the song has been adopted by many Ds support groups/activities as a sort of theme. I've always liked the song, but I guess maybe...I don't know. Maybe just sheer coincidence.

Anyway...my point is...hell, who am I kidding, I never have a point lol. I'm feeling very good about things lately, the past few days anyway lol, and that includes this whole Ds thing. I was pretty bitter and sad about it for a long time but...you just have to know Lily I guess. There's something about her, and I can honestly say I finally do understand those people I dismissed long ago who said they'd not change anything about their kids, even the Ds. And in feeling good, I strap on my rose colored glasses and start wanting another kid. It's all tied together in my mind, the Ds and another baby. I'm afraid I just want another kid so I'm using the Ds to explain away my longings, and even after another I'll still want more. I don't want to have another baby just "because I want to" if that makes sense. I was just sure I would be done with four, totally sure, more sure than I was with any of the others. Then after the Ds diagnosis, these desires started again and are becoming more and more pronounced.

But..for now..things are looking pretty good. Kids are good, we're finally moving in the direction we want to, finances should free up soon...things are well!

Lily's ONE!! It's been a year already!

So here are some pics of the new place! Work (still!) in progress. The flooring is done now as these pics were taken last week. Yes, it's small but I'm loving it already! This was mostly to show the new countertop dh put in for me :)

Wow! I've been sorting and packing and just generally decluttering and it feels fab! Gotten rid of a lot of stuff, gave to Salvation Army, Freecycling...it just feels lighter around here.

I think I'm enjoying it too much.

This downsizing is going to be good for us, I know it. Truly, I think a lot of my stress and depression issues related to this house and the state of it. It wasn't dirty, or really all *that* messy, just cluttered. A big clue was the fact I'd get all antsy or irritable and it would magically disappear when I'd step outside. I think my soul was feeling cluttered.

Well, off to bed. I'm holding a sweet sleeping Lily who's breath smells of warm buttermilk. Nuttin' better than this....

A couple sites I visit have recently had discussions on homesteading and what, ideally, is our goal or dream.

I know that for now, we won't be close to real "homesteading". Even though I grew up (mostly) on a farm, I have to say I didn't really absorb lots of information. I was upstairs reading Sassy and Seventeen dreaming of my life in the Village as a writer lol. Funny how things have come round. Now I'm wishing I'd learned more about gardening and canning and raising chickens and milking cows. Sure, I'm learning now, but it would be a heck of a lot easier if I'd just paid attention back then.

But I guess my "dream" would be...growing and preserving much of our own food, chickens for eggs, a Jersey heifer for milk, solar and wind power, a greywater system, composting toilets...totally off grid...the whole shebang. For now, it's going to have to be some trial and error organic gardening to get my feet wet, er, dirty. Maybe some canning/freezing at first (though I really prefer canning). Possibly some chickens next year. We are going to be using all natural products in the house, but I'd like to try soap making and herbal preparations as well. I'd just like to be able to do those things myself.

As far as the energy issues, well those might wait the longest. The solar and wind anyway as they're a bit expensive. The greywater system, composting toilets and rainwater catchment, those could be anytime really.

For now, we're pretty much going mainstream (as far as energy anyway) mainly to make this a gentle transition for the kids. It's not really fair, in my opinion, to make them cold turkey change everything. So we're trying to go slow and make it seamless.

I'm still excited though! We've planned this for so long and we're finally doing it. I think having a deadline has been good, as we've really had to get things done this past week (and in the coming few!). The decluttering has begun and I feel lighter already. This is going to be a good thing :)

So we have three weeks to move...yikes! This is going to be nuts. Packing and plumbing and flooring OH MY!

I guess it's really going to happen!

It’s hard to explain my awakening desire to have a fifth baby. I had three, then I had Lily. I was sure I’d be content with four kids; it felt right on a soul level. The Downs threw me for a loop though. So now here I am, wanting to do it again. Not that I’m guaranteed 100% health. It’s just…hard to explain.

This is what it’s like…

You plan a trip to the Cheesecake Factory for your birthday. You start thinking of that chocolate cheesecake you want to have. The mere thought of it makes your mouth water. You know it’s just what you want. The weeks leading up to your birthday the thoughts of this particular cheesecake increase. You cannot wait to sink your teeth in.
When you finally arrive, you learn they’re fresh out of chocolate cheesecake. You have raspberry cheesecake instead. It’s really wonderful and you enjoy it. It’s rich and creamy and just the most perfect raspberry cheesecake ever.
But…in the back of your mind, you still want that chocolate cheesecake. Maybe not right away, but you know you must eventually experience it.

It’s sorta like that. And yes, everything equals food to me. As evidenced by my backside.

So I’ve had the “chocolate cheesecake” three times already, isn’t that enough? I dunno.

If you’ve ever read that Welcome to Holland essay, it’s like that but you still want to eventually go to Italy. The detour in Holland is beautiful and enlightening. But you planned that trip to Italy and you still want to experience it. Even if you have been there three times before. Each trip is unique and wonderful.

But I think, I’m pretty sure, just about positive…that I’ll stay in Ohio and not visit the cheesecake factory anytime soon.

I'm alive!

Things are going well in our little corner of the world...Gage is 11 and starting to exhibit peculiar pre teenish behavior that is crazymaking, Maddie is 8 and is our little jock, currently playing basketball and loving it, Mace is 4 and nutty as ever; still won't wear clothes for long but is the most sensitive kid you could imagine, Lily is almost ONE! I cannot believe it! Next month, she will be one. Wow. She's still doing so well, she's in occupational and physical therapy and soon will be starting speech therapy. She isn't crawling yet, but manages to "scooch" around if she needs to, can do a 360 on the floor to get to something she wants and is sitting without support. She's also an uber drama queen and knows just how to play mom and dad.

Scott and I are doing really well..I think anyway. I guess it's all a matter of perspective, he might think we're doing awful lol But we're getting along and getting things done. No, we still haven't moved but it's looking to be in the next couple months. We still have floors to finish and some plumbing loose ends to finish, but it's looking good and it WILL be this Spring sometime lol

I am o-kay. I was thinking the other day, realizing Lily's birthday is coming up, that this has been the hardest year of my life. But you know, that's saying something. If this wonderful person coming into our lives has been the hardest thing for me, I've led a pretty charmed life, you know? It really is not that bad, not as bad as I thought it would be 10 or so months ago. It's one of those things...you wouldn't wish for it to happen of course but you find out if it does it's not what you had imagined it would be. Plus I've come to the conclusion that you do what you have to do, you muddle through, you get by. There was a time in my life when I said I could never manage a special needs kid. But I can, and I do, and it's not at all an awful thing.

I am however, dealing with baby lust. Again and for different reasons this time I think. But that's for another post, and it's for the great spirit to work on changing Scott's mind :)