Need to vent/share/spew...whatever you want to call it.

So the "news" I alluded to yesterday? Yes, the gun was officially jumped.

First a little backstory. I use the Fertility Awareness Method for birth control. That involves taking my basal body temperature each morning along with a few other fertility signs (which I won't get into in case you're eating breakfast or feeling otherwise queasy). These things help pinpoint ovulation so I know when we're fertile and when we're "safe". So this month I get my thermal shift and all, and I assume we're fine. Wrong assumption. Apparently my body just psyched me out; I really ovulated over a week later. Three days after I thought we were safe. Can you say oops? I knew that you could.

So earlier this week, I pee on a couple magic tests. I'm seeing lines. Faint, but they're *there*. I'm going through crazy emotions. I'm ecstatic, but scared witless. Really bad timing. Really bad. But still...

Fast forward to this morning. My temperature drops and I get my moon. Siiiiigh. I'm glad in many ways, but still really sad! I try to tell myself not to be silly, this would have been a difficult time to be pg. But still...

I guess intellectually I know we're done having kids. That palpably hurt just typing it out. But how much of my life can be ruled by sheer emotion, when does my brain get a say? I can't make decisions like this from my heart anymore. Plus Scott is so very relieved. Hmph. He's done. So I have to be done.

I'm going to share something weird, you can blow this off if you want but I'm throwing it out here. Before we got pregnant with Mace, I knew we were going to have him; I knew there was a spirit missing and I knew it would be incarnated as a boy. Right now, I don't so much feel there's a spirit missing in our family as much as I just feel there's a spirit tethered to Mace's spirit in some way. That she's trying to find a way in. I felt her this week. And no, I haven't smoked crack recently thankyouverymuch ;-)

Anyway, that's what's going on in chez Cheryl this week. I need chocolate...