It’s rainy out and I’m bored. I usually love rainy days and have many a fantasy about moving to Washington state where it rains more days than not. But for some reason, today it makes me feel...uneasy, antsy, unsure.
I found out today an online friend is expecting her fourth baby. I actually had pangs of jealousy! What a lousy friend I am. She had her third just weeks after I had my third. I’m mentally smacking myself, why in the world am I jealous? She has an 8 month old and is pregnant. I wouldn’t want to be pregnant now if you paid me. But jealous I am. Happy for her, excited for her, supportive of her, but jealous just the same. I know we’re done. Me? I could keep popping them out indefinitely if I weren’t worried about things like money, overpopulation, an already worrisome lack of time. S is sure he’s done, no wistful looks at newborns, no what if’s in his mind.
In my mind I’m this with it mom, I have things under control. I’m all powerful, all knowing. The reality is I’m pretty sucky at this. I don’t seem to manage my time well, I feel overwhelmed frequently. I’ve just recently been able to take all three to the store at once without having an almost-panic attack. My house isn’t all clean and tidy. Most days I run around like a chicken with it’s head cut off (another mom-ism). So I know adding another kid to this mix, at any point, isn’t going to be do-able.
But still...but still. I don’t think I’ll ever get past the “what if’s”. I sometimes wish we could just be one of those couples who says they’ll have all the universe will give them...but we can’t be. So I just have to harbor my petty jealousy when other’s announce their pregnancies, and try not to feel so guilty about it.

On a related topic, I’ve been thinking a lot about becoming a surrogate mother in the years to come. I love being pregnant and birthing, and since we’re done (see above) I thought this would be a great way to experience it all again. I’ve been conversing with some surrogates and reading a lot to see if it’s something I could do. I was all worried about the post partum stages, and how I would feel after the fact. Right around the time I was mulling this over, by kismet perhaps, a study was released showing that almost all surrogate mothers don’t feel remorse or sadness after their journey is complete. It was on CNN and everything. I thought it odd that it came about right at the time I was wondering if this would be an issue for me. That plus a few other odd coincidences having to do with surrogacy have happened, leading me to think this might be something I want to thing seriously about. I have time though, because I can’t be nursing when I start the surrogacy process. Since the amazing boob boy doesn’t show any signs of weaning anytime soon, I can mull this over and see what comes of it.
I know a lot of people ask “but how could you give up your baby?”. First of all, it wouldn’t be “my baby”, it would be genetically related to me at all. It’s the embryo of the mother and father. You can be a traditional surrogate, where you do use your own eggs, but that’s not what I would be interested in doing. I would be a gestational carrier, I would be renting out my uterus as it were. I would get to have the pregnancy and birth experience, but would get to come home afterward and actually rest, no newborn to take care of! Another upside is that many surrogates will end up having twins due to the IVF procedure, and I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have multiples. My mom had two sets of twins so all us daughters (there are seven of us total) have wondered if we would have twins. None of us have (and we’re all pretty much done having kids).
Anyway...enough of my Monday afternoon ramblings. What’s for dinner, what’s for dinner....