Oh, and here's the letter to the editor of our local paper I submitted. It was printed yesterday. I submitted it several weeks ago, but you know how that goes...

I am a firm believer that you are making more than just a one-moment decision when you take the time to vote.
You are saying that you endorse that candidate and the decisions they've made and will make. I hope those who voted for Bush, knowing the mistakes he's made in the last four years, realize they are also culpable for the mistakes he undoubtedly will make in the next four.
I'm not foolish enough to believe that in voting for a candidate you endorse everything they stand for, but when someone has shown their true colors time and time again, you know what you're in for. You know what kind of person you're voting into office.
I believe Bush will do very harmful things to this country and what it stands for. I do hope I'm not right, but if he does I feel those who voted him into office share some responsibility. To paraphrase the old children's tale of the snake who bit the trusting child, "You knew what I was when you picked me up." Voters knew what kind of person Bush was before they voted. A person capable of lying to get his way, capable of using our sons and daughters for his own egotistical gains, a person who only thinks of himself and those like him.

I was idly watching VH1 this morning and happened to see the new Sarah McLachlan video, World on Fire. If you haven't seen this video already, look for it. It's amazing. I wept openly sitting with my daughter who couldn't read all the words on the screen. I tried to explain it to her in a way she could understand and in a way that wouldn't worry her.

I sat there and realized how utterly grateful I need to be for the things I have in my life, the things I take for granted every day. And don't we all? In our comparatively easy lives, it's all too easy just to go along to get along, to not see the inequity, to complain about our lots when we've been blessed by the origin of our birth.

I can't get the woman out of my head. The one who works two jobs then sells oranges at night to raise the $200 it costs to send her son to school for one year. For one year. That amount of money isn't a lot to most of us. We're pretty low income, but $200 isn't a crazy amount of money even to us. If we needed it, we could scrape it together.

It just made me think and was enough to bring me out of my funk about our financial situation. I have so much to be grateful for, even for the small amount of money we have. We are rich.

Here are the lyrics...

The worlds on fire its more then I can handle
Ill tap into the water try and bring my share
Try to bring more, more then I can handle
Bring it to the table Bring what I am able
Hearts are worn in these dark ages
Youre not alone in these stories pages
The light has fallen amongst the living and the dying
And Ill try to hold it in Yeah Ill try to hold it in

I watch the heavens but I find no calling
Something I can do to change whats coming
Stay close to me while the skys falling
I dont wanna be left alone dont wanna be alone

Hearts break hearts mend love still hurts
Visions clash planes crash still theres talk of saving souls still colds closing in on us
We part the veil on our killer sun
Stray from the straight line on this short run
The more we take the less we become
The fortune of one man means less for some

At a forum site I visit there was mention about some incident in Texas - the thread didn't give details because apparently they're pretty bad. I'm glad because I can't deal with graphic things. This made me remember something that happened a couple weeks ago.

A little history first though - I don't watch the news, I don't want to hear about gory things, I want to live in my little world with my rose colored glasses firmly strapped to my head. It's just that stuff like that really gets into my head and it won't go away.

So a couple weeks ago, my mother-in-law is sitting in MY living room talking to my sil and I. She starts talking about all the beheadings and stuff. I say once "I don't want to hear this"...she keeps going....I say in a more exasperated tone "Ellen, I don't want to hear this kind of stuff, it bothers me"...SHE KEEPS GOING! She doesn't stop even when I've got my fingers in my ears saying DADADADADADA. She finishes her story then has the unmitigated gall to say that *I* need to get over it, that I have to hear about things like that.

Why are so many people like that? They seem to have this uncontrollable urge to talk about horrific things. They actually watch them on TV. I mean, I can't even watch CSI because I think the violence is just too much for the soul. I don't know about other people, but to me just the knowledge of such things eats at me and comes to the surface late at night. I feel the urge to dry clean my brain just to rid myself of the images. For example, several years ago I made the mistake of reading an excerpt from a book written by a serial killer. It was quite graphic and has disturbed me ever since. I was going to say I've finally gotten past it, but just thinking about it brought the image to mind again.

I don't think these things are good for our spirits. From graphic television shows to news reports and even video games. I'm pretty discriminating when it comes to things I let the kids watch, and that even applies to cartoons. I know if I don't want to see it, if it bothers me on any level, then a child surely shouldn't be watching it. I wouldn't even read the Spiderwick Chronicles aloud to them, or the Lemony Snicket books.

A part of me wonders, though, if I'm applying my own issues to them. Perhaps they could handle these things better than I'm giving them credit for. Sure I'm not going to be letting them play Vice City or watch CSI...but that perhaps things like the books mentioned above could be okay. I do know that my kids are pretty sensitive though...especially Maddie. Gage could probably handle it, Maddie on the other hand would have issues. She's much like me.

I guess I just feel saddened that the world is getting to a place where people aren't outraged by TV outlets showing beheadings, where people want to discuss ad nauseum all the gory news stories of the day. We are, as a whole, becoming more desensitized and I don't think this is a move in the right direction, or the "real world" as my mother-in-law likes to say. It may be happening out there, but I don't need to know about it. I don't need every tiny detail to know there is bad in the world. I'd rather focus in the other direction.

I feel like the wicked witch of the west after she gets doused with the water. I want to just melt into a puddle of nothing.

We did finally get the medical coverage crap worked out and everythings covered (except some of the appointments that we paid out of pocket for already). But then yesterday a bigger more scary thing loomed on the horizon. I'm not going to go into details, but suffice it to say it's my own damn fault and I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. And I don't want anyone to know just HOW big a loser I really am. So I'm not going to talk about it specifically. But I just feel stress coming out of my damn ears.

I still have to schedule Mason's dental surgery which entails some schedule juggling (juggling that I've already had to do for 2 months due to Scott's illness). I have to drive down there to fill out paperwork before they can even schedule it and I have had zero time to do that. But I have to get it scheduled.

All Scott's appointments are this week and if they don't find anything I just might go postal. There's GOT to be something wrong. I don't want anything major to show up, obviously, but at least some THING they can tell us to do or not to do to make him better.

We've got Christmas coming up with no money. That should be fun. Thing #1 is money related as well, and I'm probably going to have to borrow money from a family member. That makes me feel like a total crapsicle.

These aren't *big* things, but combined with the other things I'm dealing with I feel like taking off or disappearing or something.

Okay...reminding myself of my favorite saying...from the time of your birth 'till you ride in a hearse, things could always be worse...

So...

The doctor has ordered various tests for the next few days/week. I'm hoping this means that they finally realized it wasn't something that's just going to go away by itself. Finally they seem to be taking this seriously!

Now I just have to get this chick who's dealing with our medical coverage to get off her butt and actually help us get our coverage reinstated again. Yeah. No medical coverage + appointments for MRI's, CT scans, etc.. = ARGH! And it was all her fault to begin with. If she had told me she needed another type of form submitted two months ago, I would have brought it in! But no, and then our coverage gets cancelled. Three weeks ago I take in the form that supposedly would take care of everything "within two weeks". Yeahhhh.

The frustration level is dwindling but still up in the stratosphere. Breathe in, breathe out...

Other than this huge thing, everything is okay..."other than the other thing Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?".

I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm so frustrated with dh's illness and the medical community's lack of ability to diagnose it. I'm frustrated at having to do all the parenting/house stuff while he's sick. I'm feeling guilty for feeling frustrated at having to do all the parenting/house stuff while he's sick.

This is so crazymaking! The doctors are apparently idiots or they think we are. I believe the latter is more likely. First they say it's a virus. Now, because it's been 2 months and no improvement, it' s no longer a virus but it's stress. Bear in mind, my husband is the most stress free person I know. He meditates, does tai chi, works out and just doesn't let things get to him. Plus this has been a relatively stress free period for us. So it's not effing STRESS! It seems like anytime a doctor can't make a diagnosis anymore they blame stress.

So tomorrow, I am going with him. I will be bitchy. I will ask why we're having to search the internet to figure this out when he's the effing doctor. Why they haven't referred him to a cardiologist since some of the symptoms seem heart related and he has a family history of heart disease and heart defects. Sure they've done an EKG, but that doesn't mean there's not a problem. Hello, there ARE other heart tests out there! I'll make sure they understand that we're not stupid and that my dh isn't just imagining these symptoms.

Did I mention that I'm feeling frustrated?? Next week is Thanksgiving and he's STILL sick. Is he going to even feel better for Christmas, our anniversary? I don't feel worried that it's life threatening. I don't know why, but I feel sure that it's not something extremely serious. But I do worry that it's just going to be an ongoing, this is your life typ e problem. It would kill him to feel this way permanently. He can't even function. He came home from work Monday and went to bed. At 5 pm. He was in bed until the next morning. This is NOT normal for my normally very active husband!

So, if anyone's reading, think positive thoughts, light a candle, even pray if that's your thing. I'm worried. Oh yeah, and I'm frustrated!

Argh!

Can I vent about my freaking family some more?

So this is the day my sister watches my kids while I work. It's for 5 hours, once a week. And yes, I feel guilty about asking anyone to watch the kids because I have this thing about asking people for help. I don't do it. But I had to ask her for this favor and she's seemed pretty ok with doing it. This morning, she had to run an errand before coming over. Now bear in mind, this is the sister with no drivers license or car so we've been pretty much their main mode of transportation since they moved here over a year ago. So I pick her up a half hour before I have to be at work (this was a planned errand which had to happen at this time, so it couldn't have been earlier, etc..). I figure I could do this errand in 5-10 minutes so we've got plenty of time. Not. She comes walking out of the building at 10:00. Yeah . That's when I'm supposed to be here at the library. Yay me! If you know me at all, you know I loathe being late. I can't stand it. It's disrespectful and it's not keeping your word. And my word is my bond :-) Seriously though, I was really peeved! Seeing as she could have just picked up the form and taken it to my house, filled it out, and we could have dropped it off this afternoon. Nope, gotta fill it out there for some reason. UGH UGH UGH!!!

And part of me is saying I shoudn't be mad, she's doing me a favor by watching the kids. But damn, we've been doing them favors for the last year by giving them rides everywhere and picking up pieces of furniture here and there, and...and...and... So part of me feels guilty for being mad but then I also feel really pissed! Guilty and pissed, a fab combination.

Then on the way home she says something about our mom asking if I walk to work or drive. Fuckity fuck! The size of my ass is my own effing business thankyouverymuch! And no, I don't walk on the days she watches the kids because I already feel guilty for asking her to do it and I don't want to leave any earlier than I have to. 'Course I'm already mad about the late thing so I say "why does she care so much about my weight? It's my own business. It's not like I weigh 400 lbs or something". She can say all she wants that she's worried about my health but I ain't buying it. I'm not a health risk, it's just she thinks I look bad. I may be fat, but I'm not stupid.

I'm just really feeling shitty today.

I’m starting to feel depressed.

Not clinically or anything, just funky. As Alton Brown says, Detroit funky. Thanksgiving is quickly approaching and I just found out my sisters and brother from out of town are going to be coming in. One of my sisters lost some weight a few years ago and is now the resident weight loss expert (can you see me rolling my eyes?). She lost the weight by doing a low carb diet. Not Atkins by far, but the same kind of idea. So of course the vibe I get from her is that I’m totally unhealthy and eat junk all day long. The other sister is thin and pretty without really trying. So now I get to be the walrus…coo coo cachoo.

I sound really mean, but in actuality I find that once they’re here and we’re all visiting it goes smoothly and I feel great about it all. It’s just the mental preparation I guess. And maybe I’m making myself feel judged and they don’t really care. But I know my mom does, and that’s weirded things out recently. It’s like they’re all overly concerned about the size of my ass. YES, I’m overweight, yes I’m the fattest person in the family at the present time…but I’m still ME dammit! This is my family, the people who are supposed to love you warts and all. And ya know, there are a lot of sizes in the store bigger than the ones I buy! I’m just over the “plus size” rack, one less size and I’d be in “regular” clothes again so I’m not freaking gargantuan or anything. But I get that vibe from people in my family.

On the other end of the scale as it were, there are many things in my life that are going well if not great at the moment. So I feel stupid for thinking badly of my sisters when both of them have gone through bad divorces in the last few years and my marriage is trending upward. I’m sure they’d probably gladly trade asses if they could. And the weight loss guru sister just went through a pretty traumatic experience a few months ago that I talked her through over the course of a couple weeks so we bonded some on that front. I guess I’m trying to say that there are things more important in life than a great body.

I am sort of working on that though. At a site I recently started visiting people are doing a crunch-challenge of sorts. One hundred crunches a day. I’ve done them religiously and it’s pretty easy to be honest. And I know I have to work some cardio in there or I’ll end up with a lovely six pack under several layers of chub. Mainly I’m looking at the crunches as a way to strengthen my stomach to support my back better. I tend to have lots of back pain and I know this is something I need to do to support those muscles. I would really just like to lose 20 or so pounds at this point. I’d still be overweight, but I’d feel so much better.

Plus our 10th anniversary is December 31st, and I’d like to do something special for that night and my current state of my bod will not go with the plans I’m making. I dunno. I have a lots of time that I’m really happy with myself and I can look past the extra weight. Then other times I can’t so well.

My house is a total cluster this morning. I made the mistake of planning a small family party for Mason's second birthday (it was this past Wednesday, but that wasn't a good day for other reasons). The mistake was that I told people to come by around 3:00 and I work until 2:30. Granted, it's only a few family members, but still. No time to get things done and I left Scott and the kids to finish cleaning up. Not sure how that will go. I feel badly because I'm sitting here on my duff while Scott's trying to get the house cleaned and take care of three kids at the same time. No easy feat. I did vacuum and mop this morning, and get the cake baked and iced before I left, but still...

So yesterday I took all three kids to the dentist. Usually, I'm not enamoured of my mother in law, but I was grateful she came with us yesterday. I may have overestimated my ability to manage three kids in a doctor's office alone. I could not have done it by myself. My older two have no cavities. That's a biggie for at least Maddie, because she inherited my bad teeth. Apparently, so has Mason. He has eight cavities. The doctor said he has a defect in his enamel which makes him predisposed to cavities, it's visible even on the cavity free teeth. So we're going to have to repeat what we did with Maddie. General anesthesia at the hospital for the fillings and caps. This is the same doctor who did Maddie's and I really trust him. He came highly recommended and our experience with his has been phenomenal. But all the same, it's quite a stress, knowing he's going to have to go through this. I'd still rather he do it this way than a bunch of separate appointments that will leave him with a life long fear of dentists. Dr. Scott even said he wouldn't even attempt this under local, some of the teeth are pretty bad. ugh.

Other than that, I'm feeling pretty good again. The day after the election, black Wednesday, I was pretty bereft. I felt sad and I felt like people who voted for Bush were idiots. I don't really feel that way now. I totally disagree with their reasoning for voting for him, but it doesn't make them stupid. I still feel they're misdirected and I don't feel good in an America where over 50% of the people here disagree with my basic values. Well, over 50% of the voting public anyway. I feel a bit alone and misunderstood. I had a day there where Scott was even open to migrating to Canada, but after some online research and thought we realized it's not something we want to do now, and we really can't do it now for a variety of reasons (read: money). Personally, if it were just me and I didn't have a family to think about, I think I would have moved to the UK long ago. I feel a strange yet strong pull to England. I've been planning my future trip there for a long time now, pretty much since I was a teenager. But I do still have feelings for this damned country as well, and I don't feel ready to just uproot my family and leave yet. There are things that could happen that could make me ready to go, but for now I think I'll stick it out and see what happens...

Sufferin' until Suffrage

Well, it's finally here. Election day. D day. The day we've been waiting for. I woke up and saw that it was 6:30 and knew the polls were open and this was it!!

I got in around 9 a.m. and did my thing. Not too busy, but steady, and this is only small town Ohio so that's to be expected. I'm still feeling a bit unsure, but ready for the results to come in. At least there will be no more televised muckraking or any last minute craziness effecting the actual voters decisions. I can't imagine it anyway.

I was not happy to hear that the Republicans got their wish to have challengers at "certain" polling places to actually question voters as to their legitimacy. Of course they will mainly be at polling places where there is a high percentage of minority voters. Can you see how this might cause problems? I'm only hoping it doesn't. I hope minorities hear this and are even more determined to let their voices be heard today.

If anyone is reading :-) I hope you've voted! I can't wait to see how this plays out!

I’ve been thinking a lot about James Carville and Mary Matalin lately, and wondering how in the world they do it? How do they not want to literally kill each other? Oh, to be a fly on their wall. I want to know what discussions are like in that household, do they eschew any political discussion whatsoever or do they have pan throwing, knock down drag out fights? I just cannot imagine it…
When I hear about couples where one is voting for Kerry and one for Bush, I wonder how they manage to get along? I mean, sure, this election isn’t marriage ending material, but if you don’t agree on something fundamental like that, it seems like it would make things more of a challenge. I just can’t fathom a time I would have been interested in a long term relationship with a Republican or a person who thought global warming was a joke or a person who was a fundamentalist. That’s just not my cup of tea, and I know I personally couldn’t respect and live with someone with whom I disagreed on topics of importance to me.

This is where I become much more grateful for the union that I’m in. My husband and I agree on these big issues. We agree on politics, religion, how to raise the kids…we even agree that we both want to live off the grid and leave the consumerism of our culture. An amazing occurance seeing as we didn’t really discuss some of these issues prior to getting in deep. I’ve got to be grateful for this, because it would likely be hard to find another person out there who shares a lot of my passions, concerns and opinions. So I guess this tells me to quit sweating the small stuff, appreciate what I’ve got here and move forward with it.

We’ve been in a really good marriage place lately. I think we just feel the freedom to rant and rave about divorce and all that because, deep down, we know it ain’t gonna happen. We’re in this for the long haul and the rough patches of road are just that, rough patches. We get to the smooth part quickly enough.

Having a day.

Not sure if it's the ever present indigestion caused by the quickly approaching elections tomorrow, or just one of my down days, but I'm right in the middle of it. Granted, I have a very full day tomorrow. Elections, then Scott has an MRI in the morning, then I go to work, then I take my sister and brother in law to vote...and somehow work homeschooling in there. The homeschooling has taken a turn for the worse here lately. It's mainly talk about our democratic election process :-) and some reading and math thrown in here and there. Nowhere near where I'd like to be with it.

Just feeling like a big loser today, no motivation to go do laundry or vacuum or any of the other chores that need to be done. No motivation to stick to a healthier eating regimen I promised myself I would start.

I dunno. Yesterday was fine and today I feel like I'm in the midst of the Great Depression of '04. I've staved it off until now, without drugs or anything (did I mention that before? I ended up NOT going back to the therapist and getting on meds again..stop rolling your eyes at me!) and now I just feel like a schlump. That is all.