I was the first to say, way back when, that my homebirth was really nice and all, but not necessarily life changing. I'd read all these homebirth birth stories and hear people talk about how their homebirth was so empowering and life altering and amazing. Now, I've always felt it was amazing, and I knew had I been in a hospital I would have been hooked up to everything imaginable and would likely have been sectioned for my 11.5 lb baby. So I realized the importance of the location of my birth, but I guess I just never felt that "life altering" feeling. My life was altered because I had a new son, but not necessarily by the location of the birth.

Fast forward to now. I'm slowly realizing that it really was life altering, and I'll tell you how. This time, I know we may not be able to financially swing another homebirth so I'm faced with the possibility of a hospital birth. I'm faced with fighting for the things I want during a time in which I should be sitting back, relaxing and enjoying bringing a new life into our family. I'm faced with likely interventions for all kinds of silly reasons and a birth at a hospital whose reputation is far less than stellar. I'm realizing that my life changed in that I cannot fathom birthing anywhere but home. I can't imagine leaving my kids to bring their sibling into the world somewhere else. I don't want to even think about lying in strange beds without the comforts of home.

I'm going to do everything in my power to have another homebirth. The mere thought of birthing anywhere else makes me feel sad and scared.

So here I am, almost 8 weeks pregnant! Hard to believe. It's still sinking in here, though the fatigue and nausea are doing a good job of convincing me.

I'm already wondering how to do this birth. We're pretty financially strapped with all the expenses of this move we're working toward. All those surprise clerical fees and higher than expected estimates have a way of adding up! I know it's around 2 grand to have a homebirth and I just don't know how to swing that this time. I'm crunching numbers because I really, really don't want to go the hospital route. The only hospital we have here is...not natural birth friendly and known for their incompetence. I am still willing to go talk to the midwife here who does my well woman care and who catches at the hospital, but I don't have high hopes.

On the moving front, the bill to move and set up the house is quite a bit higher than I thought it was going to be so we're stretched for that, but will likely have them move it late this week or early next. I'm starting to waffle about certain things, namely how the kids are going to handle a move to the country away from the handful of friends they have on our street. But we can't manage where we are now, we just can't. I have to get over these fears.

So in the meantime, I'm looking at maternity clothes and and worrying about how my mother in law is going to handle the news of our impending arrival. It's always fun in big mama's house!

I was just reading a board at a site I visit frequently and I feel sick. I just can't stomach some of the crap going on in our country and in our government at this moment. And the fact that there are people out there who still support and speak up for GW and his cronies just makes me feel like screaming! What the hell are you THINKING?????

I can't believe after all that's gone down in the last week or so that people still support this administration. At the least the don't know what they're doing, and at most they're corrupt, hateful, selfish individuals. Neither end of that spectrum is where we need our leaders to fall.

Then just hearing about all the horrible conditions and the suffering those affected by Katrina have endured, I just feel sicker still. I cannot even begin to fathom what they went through and what they felt and what they saw. This has really shaken me; I'm seeing that if a catastrophe hits you have to be prepared and I know we're not at all. Not that a hurricane will be hitting Ohio anytime soon, but you never know what kinds of things could happen.

I guess I just feel unsettled, as many people undoubtedly do. I'm spending time at pregnancy boards trying to keep my mind occupied and immersed in my own little drama, which isn't right either. I'm feeling a need to withdraw into myself at a time when I should be extended outward to help people.