This using-blog-as-therapy approach is not working, obviously :-)

So a while back in one of my email groups we were talking about marriage. The topic was along the lines of needing or not needing spouse's approval.

The stronger voices said that no, they did not need their spouse's approval of their parenting or their housekeeping or anything else for that matter. Their spouse was their equal and not someone they had to seek approval from.

While I get that, I'm not like that. It's not that I need Scott to pat me on the head and tell me I'm doing okay, it's just that I'd like a little respect for the things I do. Without him coming out and saying it, I feel he thinks I'm a bad mother, wife, housekeeper, you name it. To be honest, I would like him to tell me he thinks I'm a good mom, or that he appreciates what I do. It would just feel good.

But yesterday as I was pondering this, I realized this is such a problem of mine. I've always been an approval seeker, always needing someone outside myself to give me worth. Whether it was my teachers, my parents, boyfriends, friends...I always got my value from exterior sources. Right now, without anyone doing this for me, I'm feeling utterly without worth. The negative self talk I indulge in is getting quite scary.

Then my thoughts wander to the kids. How did I come out of childhood with no self esteem, and how do I make sure my kids don't suffer a similar fate? How do I make sure they know they are shining creatures who are valued simply for being? I think of this often, but also too often fall into the same traps my parents did. The yelling, the sarcasm, the anger. Which circles back around to my parenting abilities and my worth and the negative thinking that they would be better off without having me as a mother.

I'm fucked up. And if I don't do something different, my kids will be fucked up too.

It seems hard to believe we're already mid year in an election year.

I'm not hearing a lot about the election it seems. And it could be where I live...I'm sure Ohio is a hip-pocket state for old GWB so we're likely not going to see a lot of the advertising dollars spent in our yard. But still...

I don't hear a lot of talk about it, I don't hear people discussing it. That worries me. I know there are a lot of people like me, who would vote for the devil if he were running against Bush. But I also know there are those staunch members of the GOP who will turn out to vote, those who might not have otherwise, just to keep him in office. I want more people pissed off. I want more people to be in the know about issues of this election and the ramifications of leaving Bush in office.

I'm really hoping Fahrenheit 9/11 opens people's eyes enough so that they make it to the polls in November. I'm going to be seeing it, but I'm already sold. I am afraid, however, that it will make me spontaneously combust right there in the theatre, box of popcorn in hand.

Lately I've been thinking about my family's diet.

We do eat better than the majority of people in this country, I think. But we still have processed junk in the house from time to time. Not too happy about that. But my husbands penchant for potato chips and pop tend to win the day and we end up with those things in the house. Also, when he shops he usually goes overboard with the junk food. This is the man who once came home from the grocery store with ice cream, candy bars, chocolate chip cookies and Hershey Kisses. 'Course he never weighs more than 135 lbs. because he buys the stuff for me and the kids. I keep telling him they don't need it and I DEFINITELY don't need it, but to no avail. Not even considering the fact that I can make chocolate chip cookies that taste 100 times better than the store bought ones. But I digress..I'm just saying we tend to have things in the house that aren't so healthy.

So this week I've decided to make some changes. I did the grocery shopping yesterday and it was eye opening. I spent almost $100 on one weeks worth of food! Granted though, a lot of the things I bought are going to last longer than a week. I had to buy all my flours, which add up quickly price-wise but tend to last a month or so. And I picked up some of the pricey coffee for Scott as a Father's Day gift. And a gift for grandpa for Father's Day. But still, a lot of money for healthier foods. My hope was that healthier foods will actually cost less, and I still think in the long run that will be true. With a full pantry, I can scratch cook most things without any added, processed junk.

So this will be a week replete with freshly baked breads, granola and other yummy things made completely from scratch. I won't think about how my house is going to look after this week...I'll think about that tomorrow...

After catching up on Holly's blog, and reading her post about not being "into" the whole birth and pregnancy stuff anymore, I got to thinking.

Why am I *still* very much into it? I still love reading birth stories, I still enjoy living vicariously through others' pregnancies and births, I still think about "just one more". Though, yes, I do know that in my current situation it's not going to happen, I still do think about it. It's funny that I feel this way even though in my heart of hearts, I know it's best to be finished with additions to our family. I do feel like three is a very good number for us. But I still have those fleeting feelings. And I actually envy women who are able to be done with all the feelings and the babylust.

I believe it's because I still regularly hang out at a fertility based web community. Every time I read posts there, I get the baby urges. I know that I should just stop visiting there, but I've made some friendships with like minded moms and I want to keep up with everyone. Still, it's hard to be with a group of mothers who are continuing to add to their families when I'm past that stage.

I am actually looking forward to parenting older kids and not having an infant in the house. Mace is almost 2 and is starting to be a tad more independent. Getting a shower is nice, completing a task is nice. I'm happy with my three as is, but I guess I'll always have that babylust monster lurking in the back of my psyche.

My husband drives me nuts. Oh, you've heard this one before? Well...you're hearing it again.

Today it was the division of labor. He was complaining before I left for work about how busy he's been today. Which is fine in and of itself, but there were comments made to the effect that I, on the other hand, have been doing pretty much nothing. So I'm throwing this out there, here's what we did today. I'm being very honest, not making myself out to be the martyr here, because I don't feel I've done more than he has, I just feel it's pretty evenly split.

This morning, I got up with Mason at about 5 am. He decided to get up early. Scott, Gage and Maddie remained upstairs sleeping. At around 7:30 they came downstairs and about that time Mason nursed to sleep. He snoozed on me while Scott surfed the internet for just a bit, he did also make breakfast for all of us. After Mason got up, I took him, Gage and Maddie out to my moms. I have to give her a shot of growth hormone that helps with the side effects of the chemotherapy she's doing (almost done, thankfully! One more session). Scott stayed home because he wanted to get the house cleaned up. See, he's a fairly nice guy! So we get back around 1 o'clock. At that time I find a letter from our attorney that he needs some more paperwork for some legal stuff we're dealing with. I stress about stuff like this, especially when he needs it by early next week and some of it I may have to request be mailed to me. So I start looking through paperwork to see what we have – note, I have prepared ALL the forms, etc.. that we've had to submit thus far. I get online to make a couple requests for statements, etc.. Scott takes a shower and heads to the grocery store. Again, great gesture but I do have all three kids to care for and it's not the easiest thing in the world! He gets back at 4:00 and I have to run upstairs to get dressed and ready to leave for work at 4:30.

I don't think this day has been all that inequitable! I did some running around too, I wasn't just sitting on my arse doing nothing. I do admit that I don't have the most initiative and I can live in a moderate amount of mess. But it makes me mad that he doesn't recognize the stuff I do at all, but anything he does is monumental. Ugh. I just realized today that more days than not I'm unhappy in my marriage. I guess I don't really personally know all that many people who are happy in their marriages, but most seem at least content. They enjoy each other's company. It doesn't feel like we do anymore. I feel like I'm being judged a lot, I feel unloved a lot. I can tell you right now with almost complete certainty that were we to get divorced I would never get this far "into" a relationship again. It's too hard. Many a day I think about how nice it would be to come home to peace, no one fighting, no one in a bad mood, no one making mean-spirited comments then saying "just kidding"....just me and my kids and peace. And I'll admit it's not just him, it's both of us. I will always cop to being high maintenance, but I've always been. I often think that one can only afford to be high maintenance if one is attractive; that being high maintenance and homely is a deadly combination. A man is willing to do more for an attractive woman...in my experience anyway. Not that I have experience being a more attractive woman :-)

So anyway. I guess it's easy to put on a front when it comes to your marriage. It's easy to let people think things are wonderful. Just feeling a hit of reality lately, and reality does in fact bite.