I do a lot of my uninterrupted thinking in the shower. I stand there rocking back and forth to get the most of the hot water and think...about everything. I can’t explain how my mind works; I go from one thing to another and there’s really no rhyme or reason to how I get from point A to point B. Just a few minutes ago my thoughts covered all these things: how to redecorate the bathroom, what we are going to do about our financial situation, why I stopped writing, how I’m going to lose weight, how weird it is that my sexual fantasies don’t feature myself in a starring role anymore, my recent parenting faux pas, why I’m suddenly okay with being done having kids, if that will change, how other people have much cooler lives than me, and it went on from there...

My main thoughts were about the writing. Because a very cool friend of mine has been writing, I’ve started wondering why I stopped and how I came to a point, now, where I don’t feel such a pull to write. I used to write constantly; short stories, poems, even the beginnings of a couple novels. Now I guess it’s not a priority. At night as I’m falling asleep a few lines of a poem or story will start out in my head, but by morning they’re gone. I know they were there; like when you lose a tooth and keep pushing your tongue to the gap, thinking something should be there. So I sit down to try and pull it out of my head, to try and remember. As if it were the beginnings of that poem, the one that I’ve been wanting to write forever. But the words that come are somehow hollow. Not quite the ones that came to me the night before, not as grand, not as filled with potential. The feeling is similar to the one you get when you revisit childhood memories, that turn out to be not as magical as they once were. I’ve found through experience I’d rather keep the magical memories than relive those same things through adult eyes. I guess I need to look at those late night epiphanies the same way, and not try to recapture them. That or keep a notepad beside my bed. ;-)

Thanksgiving week...there's something special about knowing it's just mere days until I gorge myself silly...

And yes, a vegetarian Thanksgiving can be quite tasty thanks!

I know there are things I could complain about in my life...but here are the things I'm grateful for:

-happy, healthy kids
-happy, healthy me
-wonderful spouse
-the roof over our heads
-the fact that we have family to enjoy
-friends
-rain outside
-Christmas specials on TV
-driving around looking at lights with a mug of hot cocoa

Just lots of things!

I hope you all have a fabulous Thanksgiving, and I leave you with a bit of the truth about the "first Thanksgiving"...this is a quote from a Wampanoag Indian in a speech he gave in 1970 in Massachusetts

"Today is a time of celebrating for you -- a time of looking back to the first days of white people in America. But it is not a time of celebrating for me. It is with a heavy heart that I look back upon what happened to my People. When the Pilgrims arrived, we, the Wampanoags, welcomed them with open arms, little knowing that it was the beginning of the end. That before 50 years were to pass, the Wampanoag would no longer be a tribe. That we and other Indians living near the settlers would be killed by their guns or dead from diseases that we caught from them.

Let us always remember, the Indian is and was just as human as the white people. Although our way of life is almost gone, we, the Wampanoags, still walk the lands of Massachusetts. What has happened cannot be changed. But today we work toward a better America, a more Indian America where people and nature once again are important."

Nothing is better to kiss...nothing...than my 12 month old son's milky smelling, soft, fresh from nap cheek. God I love that little monkey with ever fibre of my being. He's my little dreamboat.

I believe I'm feeling better today. Perhaps it was just a few day funk. I'm not sure. I don't think I want to take medications for my depressions and anxious feelings. I thought about it, but I don't think I want to go there for some reason.

I've been mulling over this..thing...I want to do next summer if possible. I want to gather together all my women friends and have a night under the stars. I want to drink wine, and talk, and drum, and talk, and meditate, and talk. To sleep in tents and soak in the nature. And just *be* with other women, other mothers, other seekers. I need to find myself again. I've been so immersed in mothering and caretaking of other people that I've forgotten what I want and need.

Feeling like a shitty mom today. I'm just really stressed and I feel like I'm going to implode. I need a time out.

So tonight...husband is having his bi-monthly boys night out with his brother and their friend. The kids have been feeling slightly "off" (not quite sick, but not quite well either). So we all hit the video store...already watched Bend It Like Beckham (yay! it was great!) and we're going to watch Whale Rider. Then I got Monsoon Wedding for myself for after they sack out. After the video store, we headed to the grocery and picked up such goodies as Pumpkin ice cream...yummmm!

I did want to get The Secretary to watch when the kids went to bed, but I'd just end up all hot and bothered with nowhere to go so I left that one for later.

So goodnight all! I'm hoping some quality movie watching along with some delish ice cream makes me feel more human again.

Okay, that quiz is going to get me some freak-ee google hits...bwahahahahaha

Elmo's Past as a Transvestite Crackwhore



You're sick, you're annoying, and you're a bad
influence on the other muppets. Go away! And
stop trying to be the new Grover.


Which Sesame Street Muppet's Dark Secret Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me....

A little self hatred a la Beck.

Why do I always feel like the outsider, the person on the fringe, not really part of the group? All the groups I'm in, whether irl or on the 'net, give me the feeling I'm just not vital, not really needed. Gawd that sounds pathetic. That's not really what I mean...I guess I just feel unimportant lately, like I just don't have much to offer or to give. I feel like I go through life one step apart, like there's an inside joke going on and I'm the only one who doesn't get it. And I think this is MY issue, it's not anything others are doing or saying. It's something I sense even when it's not there. I'm overly sensitive, if you haven't guessed. I worry that something I've said is taken wrong, I worry about things I'm going to say, I read emails or posts ten times before I send them just to make sure I don't offend someone. Why the hell do I care so much? I mean, it's one thing to be sensitive to people's feelings, especially people you care about. But when you get worried about what total strangers think of you, it's a bit much. Yeah, it is.

Just having a sucky day....
(and FYI, this was brought on by a group in which no one is aware of this blog...so if you're reading it, it ain't you lol) See what I mean? Already with the disclaimers...geez.

Need to vent/share/spew...whatever you want to call it.

So the "news" I alluded to yesterday? Yes, the gun was officially jumped.

First a little backstory. I use the Fertility Awareness Method for birth control. That involves taking my basal body temperature each morning along with a few other fertility signs (which I won't get into in case you're eating breakfast or feeling otherwise queasy). These things help pinpoint ovulation so I know when we're fertile and when we're "safe". So this month I get my thermal shift and all, and I assume we're fine. Wrong assumption. Apparently my body just psyched me out; I really ovulated over a week later. Three days after I thought we were safe. Can you say oops? I knew that you could.

So earlier this week, I pee on a couple magic tests. I'm seeing lines. Faint, but they're *there*. I'm going through crazy emotions. I'm ecstatic, but scared witless. Really bad timing. Really bad. But still...

Fast forward to this morning. My temperature drops and I get my moon. Siiiiigh. I'm glad in many ways, but still really sad! I try to tell myself not to be silly, this would have been a difficult time to be pg. But still...

I guess intellectually I know we're done having kids. That palpably hurt just typing it out. But how much of my life can be ruled by sheer emotion, when does my brain get a say? I can't make decisions like this from my heart anymore. Plus Scott is so very relieved. Hmph. He's done. So I have to be done.

I'm going to share something weird, you can blow this off if you want but I'm throwing it out here. Before we got pregnant with Mace, I knew we were going to have him; I knew there was a spirit missing and I knew it would be incarnated as a boy. Right now, I don't so much feel there's a spirit missing in our family as much as I just feel there's a spirit tethered to Mace's spirit in some way. That she's trying to find a way in. I felt her this week. And no, I haven't smoked crack recently thankyouverymuch ;-)

Anyway, that's what's going on in chez Cheryl this week. I need chocolate...

So it's November!

Our trip to NC was pretty fab. I found another city to drool over. Asheville was/is amazing. Ultra hippie cool I'd say. The mountains were just an added perk.

Halloween was cool. Gage and Maddie made it further this year than last. I did partake of way too much candy.

In other news, there's other news. I don't want to spill too much lest I be jumping the gun...suffice it to say I'm experiencing excitement/fear/happiness/sadness/worry all in the same moment. More as things progress....