It's been a while!

Christmas is over and the goose got fat. Thankfully, I did not largely due to a filling that decided to become dislodged on Christmas Eve. Every time I would try to partake of sweets, the excruciating pain reminded me "uh, don't do that". So I've been sugar free for the last few days and I have to say, I feel fabulous! I mean, I'm actually in a - hold on to your hats - good mood! So there is good to be found in faulty dental work. Unfortunately, now I have to go back to said dentist for an exercise in sadism.

Who's afraid of the big bad dentist? I am, I am. But he's really good (read: minimal pain) and he's not hard on the eyes. How do I pick these attractive dentists? The one who pulled my wisdom teeth over five years ago was quite a dish as well. Hurt me baby!

So anyway...

Mace's dental surgery is scheduled for January 10th. I'm dreading it even though his dentist is really great and it's at a well respected children's hospital. I don't think any mom is going to *not* dread her child going into surgery no matter what the circumstances though.

Health status at chez Cheryl?

Oldest kid getting over his cold, other two still in midst of phlegm and snot. Husband finally seeming to get over mystery illness (none of the tests from a couple weeks ago came back with anything) but now has cold and fell down basement stairs last night badly spraining his ankle. Yes, I just laughed typing that out, I'm mean.
Me, after putting up a solid fight against this cold I believe I'm finally succumbing.

And I have to go home, take a package to the post office, make a few phone calls, take kids out to visit my mom...and Scott has to take our nephew to the airport to pick up his girlfriend. Fortunately husband did not sprain right foot so will be able to drive.

So at about 8 o'clock eastern standard time, think of me. I'll finally be home and done with all this crap but I may still feel like crap.

Quick, someone thwack me upside the head! I need a talkin' to, I need some sense knocked into me!

I'm babylusting again. God help us all.

It's just been odd, because lately I've been totally and completely happy with being done! But weird things have been happening for a while. About a month ago when we went to the zoo (did I already mention this? If so, tough shit! :-)) I kept paying for four kids. From the guy at the carousel to the woman at the train ride, I kept handing them money for me and my four kids. "Uh, ma'am? You only have three kids, you overpaid us" yeah, I'm an idge! And when I see people posting online about being pregnant with their fifth or thinking about more than 4 kids I start to think "that'd be me if we had more" until I realize hello! I only have THREE kids! I just always feel like Ihave four running around the house. If I only have the three in the room with me for split second I'll look around for the other one. Just a strange feeling.

Then I keep getting the comment "I thought you had four kids?" from friends I hadn't seen in a while, or "I keep forgetting you only have three kids" from online friends.

I honestly don't think we're going to have more kids, but these things are just throwing me when I'm already feeling the old baby lust kicking in.

So, how can I stop the lusting? I stop it usually after a rough day with the kids or when I look at my checkbook but then it creeps right back up on me. Realistically, I'm happy we're out of the baby stage. I don't like the baby stage all that much. I like being pregnant, I like giving birth, I like the idea of more (older) kids just not more babies. And I want to do other things, I'm ready to start doing things for ME now.

Feeling a bit, just a bit, better today.

Scott and I have argued ad nauseum about this whole mother in law thing, and I don't think it's going to change without my making a stand.

And I don't know if I have the cojones to do that.

I try to feel sorry for her, she's really got to have a pretty sad life. She's extremely negative and is always talking about the bad things that go on in the world. I hardly ever see her smile or laugh. She doesn't see the good in the world, and that makes for a pretty miserable existance in my opinion. So on the one hand I try to cut her some slack. But then I think that's probably a bad thing, you know? If no one ever calls her on her bad behavior and her negativity then it might never change?

To be honest, I don't think it will change. It's almost as if the things we say go right over her head. Scott has been tough with her on several topics, one of which is homeschooling. But a few days later she'll start up about it again. If it were up to me, I think we would just have to cut ties with her. She's not someone I want intruding into my life. That may seem unfair to cut off a grandparent, but her energy is just stifling and it's causing strife in our family.

I just don't know what to do. I've decided that the next time she disrespects me, in my house, I have to say something. I have to call her on it, just so she knows she can't continue to do this to me. So she knows I'm aware of her little digs and barbs.

I think the worst part of this is that she's had an effect on others in the family. Scott's brother used to come visit us fairly regularly but never does so anymore. I can't help but think she's been filling his ear with her "opinions" about us and how we live. The worst part is, I don't even KNOW what her issue is with us! So our house isn't up to her ideal of OCD cleanliness, it IS clean! It's not like we live in a pigsty. And if this is her only issue with us, wtf? How silly is that!

And how crazy that this nutty little woman is effecting MY life like this, that the last two days have been ruined because of her. Why am I letting her get to me like this? I need some primal scream therapy.

I'm so freaking upset I could cry...

So I'm getting ready for work this morning and who should show up at the door but my mother in law. Of course no call ahead to let us know she was off work and stopping by, so the house wasn't at it's most stellar. And she's very judgemental of that kind of thing.

Scott told her not to say anything about the mess because he had been working on the roof the night before and finally got that done. Out of the corner of my eye (I was talking to Mason) I see her gesture at me like "what was SHE doing?". UGH! I feel so much distaste for this woman. I hate that Scott doesn't call her on things like that, doesn't tell her she cannot come into my home and treat me like that! And bear in mind, this "mess" was really only dishes in the sink and some toys out. I had vacuumed and swept the night before so it's not like it was a disaster area. But no matter, if any little thing isn't done, she notices it.

I feel guilty because they're constantly buying things for the kids. Big things. Like for Maddie's birthday they got her a new bedroom set. I feel like she does that so she has strings to yank us around by.

If it were up to me, our relations with her would be strictly limited. Even her other son and his girlfriend laugh and say they couldn't live near her. She is extremely negative and brings that energy into our house. Maddie won't stay with her. Mason gets really upset anytime she comes into the house. Gage is okay with her, mainly because he's her favorite. And Scott just says to ignore her. I can't when she's in my house! He wants us all to be this close knit family but that just won't be happening. I can't stand this woman. She has burned too many bridges in the last 13 years and there's no way they're going to be built back up.

I try to be accepting and assume innocence and all that new age stuff but with her, I can't. I can't even do a good loving kindness meditation for her (back when I was trying to do those! maybe I need to start trying again). I want to be away from her, I want to know her negative influences can't touch my kids. But how can I do this when Scott is still trying to be the dutiful son? He has tried, a few times, to get tough with her but it never helps. She'll back off for a few days then come right back at us. And it's not as if she gets positive reinforcement, we never make the changes she harps about. You'd think at some point she'd realize she' s not making headway and she'd stop!

I'm so upset right now.

Oh, and here's the letter to the editor of our local paper I submitted. It was printed yesterday. I submitted it several weeks ago, but you know how that goes...

I am a firm believer that you are making more than just a one-moment decision when you take the time to vote.
You are saying that you endorse that candidate and the decisions they've made and will make. I hope those who voted for Bush, knowing the mistakes he's made in the last four years, realize they are also culpable for the mistakes he undoubtedly will make in the next four.
I'm not foolish enough to believe that in voting for a candidate you endorse everything they stand for, but when someone has shown their true colors time and time again, you know what you're in for. You know what kind of person you're voting into office.
I believe Bush will do very harmful things to this country and what it stands for. I do hope I'm not right, but if he does I feel those who voted him into office share some responsibility. To paraphrase the old children's tale of the snake who bit the trusting child, "You knew what I was when you picked me up." Voters knew what kind of person Bush was before they voted. A person capable of lying to get his way, capable of using our sons and daughters for his own egotistical gains, a person who only thinks of himself and those like him.

I was idly watching VH1 this morning and happened to see the new Sarah McLachlan video, World on Fire. If you haven't seen this video already, look for it. It's amazing. I wept openly sitting with my daughter who couldn't read all the words on the screen. I tried to explain it to her in a way she could understand and in a way that wouldn't worry her.

I sat there and realized how utterly grateful I need to be for the things I have in my life, the things I take for granted every day. And don't we all? In our comparatively easy lives, it's all too easy just to go along to get along, to not see the inequity, to complain about our lots when we've been blessed by the origin of our birth.

I can't get the woman out of my head. The one who works two jobs then sells oranges at night to raise the $200 it costs to send her son to school for one year. For one year. That amount of money isn't a lot to most of us. We're pretty low income, but $200 isn't a crazy amount of money even to us. If we needed it, we could scrape it together.

It just made me think and was enough to bring me out of my funk about our financial situation. I have so much to be grateful for, even for the small amount of money we have. We are rich.

Here are the lyrics...

The worlds on fire its more then I can handle
Ill tap into the water try and bring my share
Try to bring more, more then I can handle
Bring it to the table Bring what I am able
Hearts are worn in these dark ages
Youre not alone in these stories pages
The light has fallen amongst the living and the dying
And Ill try to hold it in Yeah Ill try to hold it in

I watch the heavens but I find no calling
Something I can do to change whats coming
Stay close to me while the skys falling
I dont wanna be left alone dont wanna be alone

Hearts break hearts mend love still hurts
Visions clash planes crash still theres talk of saving souls still colds closing in on us
We part the veil on our killer sun
Stray from the straight line on this short run
The more we take the less we become
The fortune of one man means less for some

At a forum site I visit there was mention about some incident in Texas - the thread didn't give details because apparently they're pretty bad. I'm glad because I can't deal with graphic things. This made me remember something that happened a couple weeks ago.

A little history first though - I don't watch the news, I don't want to hear about gory things, I want to live in my little world with my rose colored glasses firmly strapped to my head. It's just that stuff like that really gets into my head and it won't go away.

So a couple weeks ago, my mother-in-law is sitting in MY living room talking to my sil and I. She starts talking about all the beheadings and stuff. I say once "I don't want to hear this"...she keeps going....I say in a more exasperated tone "Ellen, I don't want to hear this kind of stuff, it bothers me"...SHE KEEPS GOING! She doesn't stop even when I've got my fingers in my ears saying DADADADADADA. She finishes her story then has the unmitigated gall to say that *I* need to get over it, that I have to hear about things like that.

Why are so many people like that? They seem to have this uncontrollable urge to talk about horrific things. They actually watch them on TV. I mean, I can't even watch CSI because I think the violence is just too much for the soul. I don't know about other people, but to me just the knowledge of such things eats at me and comes to the surface late at night. I feel the urge to dry clean my brain just to rid myself of the images. For example, several years ago I made the mistake of reading an excerpt from a book written by a serial killer. It was quite graphic and has disturbed me ever since. I was going to say I've finally gotten past it, but just thinking about it brought the image to mind again.

I don't think these things are good for our spirits. From graphic television shows to news reports and even video games. I'm pretty discriminating when it comes to things I let the kids watch, and that even applies to cartoons. I know if I don't want to see it, if it bothers me on any level, then a child surely shouldn't be watching it. I wouldn't even read the Spiderwick Chronicles aloud to them, or the Lemony Snicket books.

A part of me wonders, though, if I'm applying my own issues to them. Perhaps they could handle these things better than I'm giving them credit for. Sure I'm not going to be letting them play Vice City or watch CSI...but that perhaps things like the books mentioned above could be okay. I do know that my kids are pretty sensitive though...especially Maddie. Gage could probably handle it, Maddie on the other hand would have issues. She's much like me.

I guess I just feel saddened that the world is getting to a place where people aren't outraged by TV outlets showing beheadings, where people want to discuss ad nauseum all the gory news stories of the day. We are, as a whole, becoming more desensitized and I don't think this is a move in the right direction, or the "real world" as my mother-in-law likes to say. It may be happening out there, but I don't need to know about it. I don't need every tiny detail to know there is bad in the world. I'd rather focus in the other direction.

I feel like the wicked witch of the west after she gets doused with the water. I want to just melt into a puddle of nothing.

We did finally get the medical coverage crap worked out and everythings covered (except some of the appointments that we paid out of pocket for already). But then yesterday a bigger more scary thing loomed on the horizon. I'm not going to go into details, but suffice it to say it's my own damn fault and I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. And I don't want anyone to know just HOW big a loser I really am. So I'm not going to talk about it specifically. But I just feel stress coming out of my damn ears.

I still have to schedule Mason's dental surgery which entails some schedule juggling (juggling that I've already had to do for 2 months due to Scott's illness). I have to drive down there to fill out paperwork before they can even schedule it and I have had zero time to do that. But I have to get it scheduled.

All Scott's appointments are this week and if they don't find anything I just might go postal. There's GOT to be something wrong. I don't want anything major to show up, obviously, but at least some THING they can tell us to do or not to do to make him better.

We've got Christmas coming up with no money. That should be fun. Thing #1 is money related as well, and I'm probably going to have to borrow money from a family member. That makes me feel like a total crapsicle.

These aren't *big* things, but combined with the other things I'm dealing with I feel like taking off or disappearing or something.

Okay...reminding myself of my favorite saying...from the time of your birth 'till you ride in a hearse, things could always be worse...

So...

The doctor has ordered various tests for the next few days/week. I'm hoping this means that they finally realized it wasn't something that's just going to go away by itself. Finally they seem to be taking this seriously!

Now I just have to get this chick who's dealing with our medical coverage to get off her butt and actually help us get our coverage reinstated again. Yeah. No medical coverage + appointments for MRI's, CT scans, etc.. = ARGH! And it was all her fault to begin with. If she had told me she needed another type of form submitted two months ago, I would have brought it in! But no, and then our coverage gets cancelled. Three weeks ago I take in the form that supposedly would take care of everything "within two weeks". Yeahhhh.

The frustration level is dwindling but still up in the stratosphere. Breathe in, breathe out...

Other than this huge thing, everything is okay..."other than the other thing Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?".

I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm so frustrated with dh's illness and the medical community's lack of ability to diagnose it. I'm frustrated at having to do all the parenting/house stuff while he's sick. I'm feeling guilty for feeling frustrated at having to do all the parenting/house stuff while he's sick.

This is so crazymaking! The doctors are apparently idiots or they think we are. I believe the latter is more likely. First they say it's a virus. Now, because it's been 2 months and no improvement, it' s no longer a virus but it's stress. Bear in mind, my husband is the most stress free person I know. He meditates, does tai chi, works out and just doesn't let things get to him. Plus this has been a relatively stress free period for us. So it's not effing STRESS! It seems like anytime a doctor can't make a diagnosis anymore they blame stress.

So tomorrow, I am going with him. I will be bitchy. I will ask why we're having to search the internet to figure this out when he's the effing doctor. Why they haven't referred him to a cardiologist since some of the symptoms seem heart related and he has a family history of heart disease and heart defects. Sure they've done an EKG, but that doesn't mean there's not a problem. Hello, there ARE other heart tests out there! I'll make sure they understand that we're not stupid and that my dh isn't just imagining these symptoms.

Did I mention that I'm feeling frustrated?? Next week is Thanksgiving and he's STILL sick. Is he going to even feel better for Christmas, our anniversary? I don't feel worried that it's life threatening. I don't know why, but I feel sure that it's not something extremely serious. But I do worry that it's just going to be an ongoing, this is your life typ e problem. It would kill him to feel this way permanently. He can't even function. He came home from work Monday and went to bed. At 5 pm. He was in bed until the next morning. This is NOT normal for my normally very active husband!

So, if anyone's reading, think positive thoughts, light a candle, even pray if that's your thing. I'm worried. Oh yeah, and I'm frustrated!

Argh!

Can I vent about my freaking family some more?

So this is the day my sister watches my kids while I work. It's for 5 hours, once a week. And yes, I feel guilty about asking anyone to watch the kids because I have this thing about asking people for help. I don't do it. But I had to ask her for this favor and she's seemed pretty ok with doing it. This morning, she had to run an errand before coming over. Now bear in mind, this is the sister with no drivers license or car so we've been pretty much their main mode of transportation since they moved here over a year ago. So I pick her up a half hour before I have to be at work (this was a planned errand which had to happen at this time, so it couldn't have been earlier, etc..). I figure I could do this errand in 5-10 minutes so we've got plenty of time. Not. She comes walking out of the building at 10:00. Yeah . That's when I'm supposed to be here at the library. Yay me! If you know me at all, you know I loathe being late. I can't stand it. It's disrespectful and it's not keeping your word. And my word is my bond :-) Seriously though, I was really peeved! Seeing as she could have just picked up the form and taken it to my house, filled it out, and we could have dropped it off this afternoon. Nope, gotta fill it out there for some reason. UGH UGH UGH!!!

And part of me is saying I shoudn't be mad, she's doing me a favor by watching the kids. But damn, we've been doing them favors for the last year by giving them rides everywhere and picking up pieces of furniture here and there, and...and...and... So part of me feels guilty for being mad but then I also feel really pissed! Guilty and pissed, a fab combination.

Then on the way home she says something about our mom asking if I walk to work or drive. Fuckity fuck! The size of my ass is my own effing business thankyouverymuch! And no, I don't walk on the days she watches the kids because I already feel guilty for asking her to do it and I don't want to leave any earlier than I have to. 'Course I'm already mad about the late thing so I say "why does she care so much about my weight? It's my own business. It's not like I weigh 400 lbs or something". She can say all she wants that she's worried about my health but I ain't buying it. I'm not a health risk, it's just she thinks I look bad. I may be fat, but I'm not stupid.

I'm just really feeling shitty today.

I’m starting to feel depressed.

Not clinically or anything, just funky. As Alton Brown says, Detroit funky. Thanksgiving is quickly approaching and I just found out my sisters and brother from out of town are going to be coming in. One of my sisters lost some weight a few years ago and is now the resident weight loss expert (can you see me rolling my eyes?). She lost the weight by doing a low carb diet. Not Atkins by far, but the same kind of idea. So of course the vibe I get from her is that I’m totally unhealthy and eat junk all day long. The other sister is thin and pretty without really trying. So now I get to be the walrus…coo coo cachoo.

I sound really mean, but in actuality I find that once they’re here and we’re all visiting it goes smoothly and I feel great about it all. It’s just the mental preparation I guess. And maybe I’m making myself feel judged and they don’t really care. But I know my mom does, and that’s weirded things out recently. It’s like they’re all overly concerned about the size of my ass. YES, I’m overweight, yes I’m the fattest person in the family at the present time…but I’m still ME dammit! This is my family, the people who are supposed to love you warts and all. And ya know, there are a lot of sizes in the store bigger than the ones I buy! I’m just over the “plus size” rack, one less size and I’d be in “regular” clothes again so I’m not freaking gargantuan or anything. But I get that vibe from people in my family.

On the other end of the scale as it were, there are many things in my life that are going well if not great at the moment. So I feel stupid for thinking badly of my sisters when both of them have gone through bad divorces in the last few years and my marriage is trending upward. I’m sure they’d probably gladly trade asses if they could. And the weight loss guru sister just went through a pretty traumatic experience a few months ago that I talked her through over the course of a couple weeks so we bonded some on that front. I guess I’m trying to say that there are things more important in life than a great body.

I am sort of working on that though. At a site I recently started visiting people are doing a crunch-challenge of sorts. One hundred crunches a day. I’ve done them religiously and it’s pretty easy to be honest. And I know I have to work some cardio in there or I’ll end up with a lovely six pack under several layers of chub. Mainly I’m looking at the crunches as a way to strengthen my stomach to support my back better. I tend to have lots of back pain and I know this is something I need to do to support those muscles. I would really just like to lose 20 or so pounds at this point. I’d still be overweight, but I’d feel so much better.

Plus our 10th anniversary is December 31st, and I’d like to do something special for that night and my current state of my bod will not go with the plans I’m making. I dunno. I have a lots of time that I’m really happy with myself and I can look past the extra weight. Then other times I can’t so well.

My house is a total cluster this morning. I made the mistake of planning a small family party for Mason's second birthday (it was this past Wednesday, but that wasn't a good day for other reasons). The mistake was that I told people to come by around 3:00 and I work until 2:30. Granted, it's only a few family members, but still. No time to get things done and I left Scott and the kids to finish cleaning up. Not sure how that will go. I feel badly because I'm sitting here on my duff while Scott's trying to get the house cleaned and take care of three kids at the same time. No easy feat. I did vacuum and mop this morning, and get the cake baked and iced before I left, but still...

So yesterday I took all three kids to the dentist. Usually, I'm not enamoured of my mother in law, but I was grateful she came with us yesterday. I may have overestimated my ability to manage three kids in a doctor's office alone. I could not have done it by myself. My older two have no cavities. That's a biggie for at least Maddie, because she inherited my bad teeth. Apparently, so has Mason. He has eight cavities. The doctor said he has a defect in his enamel which makes him predisposed to cavities, it's visible even on the cavity free teeth. So we're going to have to repeat what we did with Maddie. General anesthesia at the hospital for the fillings and caps. This is the same doctor who did Maddie's and I really trust him. He came highly recommended and our experience with his has been phenomenal. But all the same, it's quite a stress, knowing he's going to have to go through this. I'd still rather he do it this way than a bunch of separate appointments that will leave him with a life long fear of dentists. Dr. Scott even said he wouldn't even attempt this under local, some of the teeth are pretty bad. ugh.

Other than that, I'm feeling pretty good again. The day after the election, black Wednesday, I was pretty bereft. I felt sad and I felt like people who voted for Bush were idiots. I don't really feel that way now. I totally disagree with their reasoning for voting for him, but it doesn't make them stupid. I still feel they're misdirected and I don't feel good in an America where over 50% of the people here disagree with my basic values. Well, over 50% of the voting public anyway. I feel a bit alone and misunderstood. I had a day there where Scott was even open to migrating to Canada, but after some online research and thought we realized it's not something we want to do now, and we really can't do it now for a variety of reasons (read: money). Personally, if it were just me and I didn't have a family to think about, I think I would have moved to the UK long ago. I feel a strange yet strong pull to England. I've been planning my future trip there for a long time now, pretty much since I was a teenager. But I do still have feelings for this damned country as well, and I don't feel ready to just uproot my family and leave yet. There are things that could happen that could make me ready to go, but for now I think I'll stick it out and see what happens...

Sufferin' until Suffrage

Well, it's finally here. Election day. D day. The day we've been waiting for. I woke up and saw that it was 6:30 and knew the polls were open and this was it!!

I got in around 9 a.m. and did my thing. Not too busy, but steady, and this is only small town Ohio so that's to be expected. I'm still feeling a bit unsure, but ready for the results to come in. At least there will be no more televised muckraking or any last minute craziness effecting the actual voters decisions. I can't imagine it anyway.

I was not happy to hear that the Republicans got their wish to have challengers at "certain" polling places to actually question voters as to their legitimacy. Of course they will mainly be at polling places where there is a high percentage of minority voters. Can you see how this might cause problems? I'm only hoping it doesn't. I hope minorities hear this and are even more determined to let their voices be heard today.

If anyone is reading :-) I hope you've voted! I can't wait to see how this plays out!

I’ve been thinking a lot about James Carville and Mary Matalin lately, and wondering how in the world they do it? How do they not want to literally kill each other? Oh, to be a fly on their wall. I want to know what discussions are like in that household, do they eschew any political discussion whatsoever or do they have pan throwing, knock down drag out fights? I just cannot imagine it…
When I hear about couples where one is voting for Kerry and one for Bush, I wonder how they manage to get along? I mean, sure, this election isn’t marriage ending material, but if you don’t agree on something fundamental like that, it seems like it would make things more of a challenge. I just can’t fathom a time I would have been interested in a long term relationship with a Republican or a person who thought global warming was a joke or a person who was a fundamentalist. That’s just not my cup of tea, and I know I personally couldn’t respect and live with someone with whom I disagreed on topics of importance to me.

This is where I become much more grateful for the union that I’m in. My husband and I agree on these big issues. We agree on politics, religion, how to raise the kids…we even agree that we both want to live off the grid and leave the consumerism of our culture. An amazing occurance seeing as we didn’t really discuss some of these issues prior to getting in deep. I’ve got to be grateful for this, because it would likely be hard to find another person out there who shares a lot of my passions, concerns and opinions. So I guess this tells me to quit sweating the small stuff, appreciate what I’ve got here and move forward with it.

We’ve been in a really good marriage place lately. I think we just feel the freedom to rant and rave about divorce and all that because, deep down, we know it ain’t gonna happen. We’re in this for the long haul and the rough patches of road are just that, rough patches. We get to the smooth part quickly enough.

Having a day.

Not sure if it's the ever present indigestion caused by the quickly approaching elections tomorrow, or just one of my down days, but I'm right in the middle of it. Granted, I have a very full day tomorrow. Elections, then Scott has an MRI in the morning, then I go to work, then I take my sister and brother in law to vote...and somehow work homeschooling in there. The homeschooling has taken a turn for the worse here lately. It's mainly talk about our democratic election process :-) and some reading and math thrown in here and there. Nowhere near where I'd like to be with it.

Just feeling like a big loser today, no motivation to go do laundry or vacuum or any of the other chores that need to be done. No motivation to stick to a healthier eating regimen I promised myself I would start.

I dunno. Yesterday was fine and today I feel like I'm in the midst of the Great Depression of '04. I've staved it off until now, without drugs or anything (did I mention that before? I ended up NOT going back to the therapist and getting on meds again..stop rolling your eyes at me!) and now I just feel like a schlump. That is all.

Ahhh...we have tricked and we have treated. I should say, we were treated...no tricks tonight.

It went off without a hitch. Well, without much of a hitch anyway. The usual suspects - cape too long, face paint getting smeared - showed up, but I think a good time was had by all.

I'm getting nervous about Tuesday. I think I'm starting to think Bush will win just as a protective measure, so I don't get my hopes up then dashed. That way, if Kerry does win I'll be surprised. You know how that works. I don't want to think it's really, actually possible just to have Rove, er, I mean, Bush steal the election again. Maybe I'll hide under a rock until Tuesday...

My son is entranced by his own excrement. Every time he goes poo, he wants to stand up and examine the fruit of his labors. He must look at it. Then try to smell it. Then try to touch it. He freaks out when I finally have to take it upstairs to dunk it in the toilet. I've gone to sneaking it upstairs later when he's forgotten about it.

I find this oddly fascinating. Why would he be so interested in the brown, smelly stuff? I guess it's that old "it's part of me" thinking, though I never experienced that with my older two.

Mason has been this way from the get go. An adventure in opposites, he's always done things differently than his older brother and sister. This consistently throws me for a loop as I don't expect it. He's just been so different, from when he walked to when he wanted to eat "real food".

We're finishing up preparations for Halloween and then we have elections, then the day after is Mace's second birthday. I feel like everything else has kept me so preoccupied that I've not thought about it enough. Maybe Sunday, when the whole trick or treat thing will be behind us I can start preparing.

Reason #432,234 I might not be normal...

So I watched an episode of the show Manhunt, you know, the male equivalent of America's Next Top Model. And I was thinking these guys were just simply NOT attractive. Not in the least. I would not want to bed any one of them. You know how I'm currently in lurve with? Alton Brown from the show Good Eats on the Food Network. I find him incredibly freaking sexy. I know why too. It's because he's really funny and quirky. I love that.

Exteriors have never held much sway with me. I don't notice butts or pecs or things like that. Being funny and intelligent can always trump a strong jawline or a six pack. I guess this is why plastic surgery seems silly to me. I suppose it wouldn't seem silly at all to someone who put more stock in the outside. Not that either way is necessarily good or bad, it' s just interesting to me how we all find so many different things attractive or sexy.

Mmmm...hope Good Eats is on tonight :-)

You're an agitator! Your kids have grown up on the
front lines of rallies and pickets, and chances
are that you boycott at least one company for
its bad business practices. Your kids are
learning what matters to you and how they can
change what matters to them.

What kind of a freaky mother are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Okay, one more thing that pisses me off then I'm done.

It's been said that Bush was a hawk on the war in Vietnam. Nice. So he thinks it's a right and just war, but he's not willing to risk his precious little ass over there fighting it.

But yet everyone thinks he's this great force against terrorism. No, he's a great mouth against terrorism. He talks a big game as long as he's safe in his white house. I mean really, what did he do so differently right after 9/11? He didn't do anything really....does anyone recall his face sitting in that classroom in Florida when the attack was whispered to him? He sat there like a freaking ventriloquist dummy! For a while! My point is, after the attacks any president would have been angry, any president likely would have went into Afghanistan. But maybe another president would have focused on the real threat, Bin Laden, and not started looking for an easy fight somewhere else. Another president might not have underestimated that fight itself. Bush has made so many mistakes on the terrorism and foreign relations front. He's NOT a strong president in that respect. Someone please explain why so many people seem to be deluded into thinking he is???

I laughed hysterically watching the Daily Show last night. He showed a clip of Bush saying "you can run, but you can't hide" then showed a picture of Bin Laden. Stewart said "you know what happened to the last person he said that to...he ran and hid". Oh my. I was wiping away tears I tell ya!

Okay, here's what pisses me off about these Swift Boat Veterans for "Truth" and all these opportunists who (mis)use John Kerry's words at the 1971 Senate Committe on Foreign Relations meeting.

Do they not understand that he was speaking on behalf of a large organization of vets, the Vietnam Veterans Against the War? I mean, he wasn't saying that he personally saw all the war crimes he mentioned, he was sharing things he'd been told by other vets at the Winter Soldier Investigation. It's ridiculous that no one seems to make this distinction...so these guys who were also in swift boats are trying to make us believe just because THEY didn't commit war crimes, no one did. That's insane! If any thinking person would read the transcript of Kerry's testimony they'd get a more balanced opinion of what was actually said at the meeting.

And to be honest, I CAN totally believe what these vets say happened. Vietnam was a horrific war, I don't think anyone has ever disputed that fact. No one, except maybe these swift boat veterans, has forgotten My Lai. It's obvious we did atrocious things over there. I can't believe how some in this country still want to idealize war and make it some glamorous undertaking. It ain't. John Kerry was only bringing home that point in 1971.

And please, read the transcript. I heart John Kerry even more now after reading it.

I'm so stressed I don't even know where to begin.

Between bills piling up, Scott having this unexplained illness, juggling the kids around (yes, I had to take my mom up on her offer as my sister had an appointment this afternoon, so now I'm worried about my mom coping with all the kids) and now a concern about health insurance which was on shaky ground to begin with....aack!

Driving to work this morning, I just realized how focused I've been on our precarious financial situation. It's pretty much been my only focus lately. Homeschooling, enjoying time with my family, spending time with friends...it's all gone by the wayside while I obsess about how little money we have and how we're going to stretch it to pay bills.

I know this situation is of our own making, but certain things have made it even harder. It's little things like our house payment unexpectedly going up due to increases in taxes and insurance, it's the vehicle we had to purchase when our one and only (and paid off!) vehicle decided to have a meltdown and the increase in our car insurance. I mean, all these little stupid things just keep happening and it's just crazymaking!

I dunno. Whining sure doesn't help. I need to focus on the end we're working for, keep my eyes on the prize so to speak. We're hoping to sell the house and move out to the land by my mom and brother and do our sustainable living thing out there. It's this meantime that's so frustrating...

I hate doctors!

Scott has been feeling ill for the last four weeks. Just a lot of seemingly unrelated ailments that are really making him feel awful. When he says he needs to go to the ER, I take that very seriously as this is a man who normally will not even mention when he's sick. There have been several instances where I've not even known he was sick or had a migraine until after the fact. So when he asks to go, I freak. There they do lots of tests and can' t figure it out. They send him to his doctor. Who also can't figure out what it is, but gives him some meds to help with the symptoms. No idea the cause, but let's throw pills at it and see if it goes away. The only thing they all seem to agree on is that it's some kind of virus (apparently, the mother of all viruses since it can seemingly live over 4 weeks!), yet some of the symptoms don't seem virus-like. And I love the fact that they talk to us like we're idiots. I mean, I know that probably many of the ER patients are low on the clued-in scale, but give me a break! I KNOW that antibiotics won't cure a virus, but we don't KNOW it's a virus, do we?!

Anyway...I'm still highly frustrated and unsure what to do from here. I hate being totally not in control and just not knowing what to do. He's still feeling crappy, hardly able to work when these episodes start but he HAS to get to work. ugh.

Are the news outlets just trying to start a panic? It's all "FLU SHOT SHORTAGE!" and "FLU SHOT CRISIS!". And I just read an article that said those who previously never got the flu shot, now want to this year. Uhhh, why???? Just because there's a shortage? Typical American thinking "there's not much of it, but by gum I want mine!".

It's so ridiculous. Don't people remember last year when there were loads of flu shots, but it didn't protect from the big one that was supposed to hit hard. Flu shots are not panaceas. You're not guaranteed no flu just because you got a shot. And do people know what's IN those freaking shots? -shudder-

We don't do shots. At all. Any kind. Well, okay, if we needed a shot of something to live, that's different. And I occasionally do shots, but not the kinds with needles. But we don't do shots like vaccinations or flu shots, etc.. I've done a lot of studying on all of them and their drawbacks and benefits and it just doesn't add up that we fill our kids with all those chemicals for such a little protection. Flu shots are the worst of the worst though, in my opinion. Just a little more handwashing and hygiene and you can avoid most colds and flus. And really, unless your immune system is compromised, you can make it through colds and flus with just a little inconvenience. Last year, I did feel like I was coming down with that awful one. It was pretty bad and came on quickly. But I started downing Vitamin C, Echinacea and garlic and it was gone, totally gone, by the next morning. This was the flu that people had for weeks on end. So no, the flu is not going to kill you unless it's some weird strain or you have little immunity to fight it off. But yet everyone is clamoring to get the flu shot this year, because there's not much of it. How selfish would you have to be to be mid thirties, healthy, standing in line next to an 80 year old just so you get yours. Nice. But okay, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they're all working in the health care field ;-)

I'm stressing a bit. It's sort of a good stress and a bad stress. Scott got offered another day at work for the next five weeks but could be until Christmas. Normally, we both work part time in order to avoid child care. So he works the days I'm off, and I work the days he's off. But he makes A LOT more than I do (I'm underemployed at the moment). So when they offer another day, he pretty much needs to take it. We need him to take it. So he took it, and of course it's on a day that I'm normally working.

My mom already gets conned into, er, I mean babysits my neice and nephew who are 3 years old and 5 months old respectively. I say conned into because she is getting royally taken advantage of as far as how long she's watching them, etc.. So of course I never ask her to watch our kids because I feel like the poor woman needs at least a few free hours a week. So she can't really watch my kids on Wednesdays; she says she can, but 5 kids is a bit much when three of them are under 3 years old! There's no one at work I can switch around with because the schedule is tight, everyone else has commitments and such that they are already scheduling around. My sister is the only real option, but I know Maddie and likely Mason will not react well to that. She's never watched them before so I hesitate because of how they might react. I guess I just have to bite the bullet and have her watch them. It's only for 5 hours, and I work right around the corner from my house so it should be fine, right? Right???

It's got to work because we really need the extra income. It couldn't have happened at a better time!

I just realized that the freaking comments added by blogger are for blogger members only..that sucks!

So I added some from Haloscan. Sure, there's an annoying ad at the bottom, just don't scroll down that far.

I'm out to make dinner...and stop WWIII.

Well, that sufficiently ate up a couple hours of my morning. I'm really not just slacking at work, I'm the computer center chick. I sit in the computer room at the library and sign people in and out of the internet and word processing computers. It's quite boring, so I get to sit here and surf when no one needs on at the moment. And when no one is pulling up porn. Or forgetting the password they just set up an email account with two minutes ago. Or, as the case of the most infamous patron here, pulling up porn while whacking their weasel. Yup.

So really, I'm not just slacking!

The other part of my job that I don't think I'm going to be able to do much longer is delivering the books to the area nursing homes and homebound patrons. That's rough. I mean, when I'm walking down a hallway about ready to burst into tears, I'm thinking that maybe I'm not the right person for the job. I really don't think nursing homes are normal in any sense of the word. I don't think life was meant to end up that way. I mean, many of these people are perfectly coherent, seemingly able to take care of themselves, but for whatever reason get stuck in there like rats in cages. I don't believe in nursing homes, except for the really ill who cannot care for themselves and for whom family members cannot care sufficiently. I feel like too many people are just inconvenienced by their elderly relatives and would rather shut them away in order to "not think about it" and that totally sucks. I know for a fact that I would not, could not put a relative of mine in some of these places. Like I said, unless I totally cannot care for them at all, they don't need a nursing home.

The worst part is how different these places are. If you have the money or the health insurance to pay for it, you can get the finest of care and facilities. Heaven forbid if you don't; you get stuck in places like I go to. Places that smell like feces and people just roam the hallways in their wheelchairs. Where all the doors lock behind you and some won't open the other way again at all (yeah, I got lost yesterday!). Everyone deserves equal care, not just the well heeled. I mean, to reach your later years, to have lived a full life and gained wisdom and experience, only to be stuck in a hole like that? That is not normal! It's not how this is supposed to go down!

As you might guess, this is coming round to my support of Kerry and his broadened health insurance plans. I do think it's a good thing for the Medicaid eligibility to go up to 300% of the poverty level. My husband and I make too much to qualify for health coverage as it stands now, but neither of our employers offer it either. So we're both in that middle ground where we'd have to buy our own coverage. But at over $200.00 per month, we can't afford it. We're living paycheck to paycheck and though that $200.00 seems small, we just can't do it. So, sure, I'd love to see more health coverage for those who need it in this country. It's sad that so many people do without it, in one of the most advanced countries in the world. Yet another reason I'm pulling for Kerry.

Okay, so I wanted a purdy new template and I lost my comments.

I know, I know...they weren't used that frequently :-) but I liked them. Since I get hours of online time here at work I'll keep chipping away at it...

So I've been thinking a lot about this, and yes, it was brought on by more VH1.

I was watching Dr. Dre talk about how the police in LA were and are so discriminatory and he mentioned how the song F___ tha Police came about. He said he had been driving around South Central LA with Eazy E who was shooting a paintball gun at people waiting at bus stops. It had red paintballs so the people thought they were really getting shot. And then, gasp, they were chased by police! The horrors! the police had them out of their car on the ground! Oh my!

Are you kidding me? I couldn't do that in small town Ohio, let alone a high crime area like South Central LA. What would you expect the police to do in a situation like that? I mean, come on!

I do believe the police in general do a lot of racial profiling and that there are in all liklihood a lot of racist police officers. But in this particular instance, I can't really see that they were being racist or doing the wrong thing. It just seems that he was being totally unrealistic in thinking he could go down the street shooting red paintballs at people and it would all be okay. That's stupid! They didn't stop you because you were black, they stopped you because you were shooting red paintballs at people dumbass!

I dunno, it just bugged me. Then last night hearing the Notorious BIG saying he sold crack because he had to support his family, while they show a street mural saying "drugs are the new slavery". So why the hell would he want to sell crack to his fellow African Americans who were struggling just like he was? Talk about dancing on the backs of the bruised.

I can't believe how quickly my babies are growing up. I know all moms say this, but it's so true that time seems to steal babies away. My middle child, Maddie, just turned 6 this past week. I'm not sure how that happened. And in a few short weeks, my baby will be 2. He's just the most scrumpdillyicious thing in the world right now. Even his bellowed "no" is cute.

I'm really looking forward to this new phase, of parenting kids over 2. It's been a while since there was no "baby" in the house so this should be interesting.

Oh my but this was funny:

``What they're trying to do is basically gag that audience,'' said Alan Schroeder, a professor at Northeastern University in Boston and author of ``Televised Presidential Debates: 40 Years of High-Risk TV.'' The Bush team didn't want the town hall and agreed to it only after concessions on the other debates, he said. ``Their next thought was to try to get the rules that they thought might favor Bush.''

(from Bloomberg.com)

So Bush was afraid of the audience asking unscripted questions, eh? I wonder why...or maybe it was his writers and staff who were really afraid of the questions...

So of course I watched the debate last night. I was happy with Kerry's performance though I wished Bush would have been as laughable as he was last week. I'm sure he solidified his base with his performance.

The thing that kills me is how Bush was constantly spinning Kerry's answers. Yeah, yeah, they were both doing it to an extent but I noticed it much moreso on Bush's side. When Bush acted like he didn't understand Kerry's answer regarding abortion, as if it didn't make sense, I was so freaking annoyed!

I really think that in lieu of debates we should just have both of them sit at a bar and do shots. I mean, come on, you know you're much more honest when you have a few drinks in you. You know, in vino veritas and all that. THEN, I'd know for sure I was hearing the truth out of both of them. I know I like Kerry so much more than Bush already, but they both are just spinning like crazy and I'm tired of it. My big worry is that there are many people out there who hear the spin and totally buy it. Like Scully and Mulder used to tell us, the truth is out there. You can log onto many sites that will shed light on the true records of these two, there are plenty of sites combing through the he said/he said of the debates and fact checking. But I worry that so many people don't bother to do that but rather buy the soundbites and rhetoric.

I did love it when Kerry said the EXACT same thing I had just said while Bush was talking about the "safety" of drugs from Canada. Gage just looked at me like "Wow Mom!". I'm also loving the current polls that are giving me much more hope about the outcome of this election. Only a month ago I was lamenting that it was likely a pipe dream we'd get rid of Bush, but now it feels like a possibility. I am a bit afraid of the unethical gymnastics that Bushco is likely to use to "win" this election like they did the last time.

So to go to the other extreme, I've been watching "And You Don't Stop - 30 years of Hip Hop" on VH1. Scott finds it amusing that I've watched pretty much the whole thing. He halfway woke up the other night when I was watching the one about freestyling and just laughed. I'm a white girl from Ohio, 'nuff said. It's really interesting, though! It's like a whole subculture and I especially like the shows about the early DJ's and how the MC's came about, and how the Sugarhill Gang were a bunch of posers lol. I also like watching the ones with Public Enemy and the Beastie Boys. I did intentionally miss last night's episode with Eminem on; I can't stand him. But apparently that was also the episode with The Roots, and I wanted to see them. So I say, catch it if you can. Very interesting stuff!

Oh, and if anyone can tell me if Bush really DOES own a timber company?? Can't find anything on Google. I thought Kerry was just talking hypothetically...

Yeah, I'm really late in doing so, but this week I finally went to my county's Democratic Party office and got my yard signs.

There were already two Bush/Cheney signs on my street, and at least two other families are pretty conservative so I figured I needed to out myself. So I got my Kerry/Edwards sign and some other signs for our local dems running for various offices and proudly stuck 'em right in my front yard.

So I come home from work yesterday, and I notice our neighbors across the street, an older couple I had pegged as conservative, also had Kerry/Edwards signs in their yard! Yay! So there are three total K/E signs and two B/C signs on our street...we're winning so far lol.

I'm looking forward to Friday night's debate. I'm a bit nervous because Bush knows he's got to put in a stellar performance, but Kerry is the better debater so I've got high hopes he can pull another "win" out. Again, I'm a bit nervous but still looking forward to it.

Less than a month to go until this is all over with. I'm not sure if I'm going to glue myself to the TV election night, because much like watching baseball playoffs, so much can happen that I'd rather save my indigestion and just watch the highlights later. Still don't know if the Yankees pulled it out last night...go Twins! Edited to add, yeah the Yanks took it in the 12th. Damn! I don't really care all THAT much about baseball when the Indians tanked early on, but I agree with dh that the Yankees are just too rich and need to be taken down a notch.

In an unrelated turn of events, I've lost 10 lbs! I'm not doing anything nutty, no crazy diets or anything, but it's starting to come off again. Granted I have about 60 lbs to go, but doesn't the journey of 1,000 miles begin with one step? So coming from my all time high on January 1 of 2003, I'm down a grand total of 28 lbs. Sure, it's been almost two years and there have been some yo-yo'ing in there, but I like a net loss in lieu of a net gain so it's all good.

I found this funny...it's been making the email rounds but I like it enough to post it here. It's from Buzzflash.

George W. Bush Resume
Past work experience:
Ran for congress and lost.

Produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.

Bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas, company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.

Bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using tax-payer money. Biggest move: Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox.

With fathers help (and his name) was elected Governor of Texas.

Accomplishments:
Changed pollution laws for power and oil companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the Union. Replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog ridden city in America.

Cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government to the tune of billions in borrowed money.

Set record for most executions by any Governor in American history.

Became president after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes, with the help of my fathers appointments to the Supreme Court.

Accomplishments as president:

Attacked and took over two countries.

Spent the surplus and bankrupted the treasury.

Shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history.

Set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12 month period.

Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.

First president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.

First president in US history to enter office with a criminal record.

First year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in US history.

After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, presided over the worst security failure in US history.

Set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips than any other president in US history.

In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their job.

Cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any president in US history.

Set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12 month period.

Appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in US history.

Set the record for the least amount of press conferences than any president since the advent of television.

Signed more laws and executive orders circumventing the Constitution than any president in US history.

Presided over the biggest energy crises in US history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.

Presided over the highest gasoline prices in US history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.

Cut healthcare benefits for war veterans.

Set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind. (http://www.hyperreal.org/~dana/marches/)

Dissolved more international treaties than any president in US history.

My presidency is the most secretive and un-accountable of any in US history.

Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US history. (the 'poorest' multi-millionaire, Condoleezza Rice has an Chevron oil tanker named after her).

Had more states to simultaneously go bankrupt than any president in the history of the United States.

Presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world.

Created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States.

Set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any president in US history.

First president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the human rights commission.

First president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the elections monitoring board.

Removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in US history.

Rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.

Withdrew from the World Court of Law.

Refused to allow inspectors access to US prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.

First president in US history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 US elections).

All-time US (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.

My biggest life-time campaign contributor presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).

Spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in US history.

First president in US history to unilaterally attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world community.

First president to run and hide when the US came under attack (and then lied saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1)

First US president to establish a secret shadow government.

Took the biggest world sympathy for the US after 911, and in less than a year made the US the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in US and world history).

With a policy of 'dis-engagement' created the most hostile Israeli-Palestine relations in at least 30 years.

Fist US president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.

First US president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the US than their immediate neighbor, North Korea.

Changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.

Set all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated US law by not selling huge investments in corporations bidding for government contracts.

Failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden 'dead or alive'.

Failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capitol building. After 18 months I have no leads and zero suspects.

In the 18 months following the 911 attacks I have successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States.

Removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in US history.

In a little over two years created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided the US has ever been since the civil war.

Entered office with the strongest economy in US history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.

Records and References:

At least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available).

AWOL from National Guard and Deserted the military during a time of war.

Refuse to take drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.

All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my fathers library, sealed in secrecy and un-available for public view.

All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and un-available for public view.

All minutes of meetings for any public corporation I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and un-available for public view.

Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and un-available for public review.

For personal references please speak to my daddy or uncle James Baker (They can be reached at their offices of the Carlyle Group for war-profiteering.)

Anyone *still* want to vote for him?????

And another thing...

In an altogether unrelated community, the old TV debate is going through the motions again. I, personally, think that TV can be watched intelligently, even by children, with the proper supervision. To say that it's harming my children because they watch any TV at all seems a bit extreme to me. Yeah, you read that right. Some things are extreme even to me.

Sure I think TV can be a colossal time suck in many cases. Reality TV being one. And yes, I do watch things that aren't entirely educational. My kids do too, but not that much. I think advertising and marketing are still the root of all evil in our overly consumeristic society. I get all the arguments for killing the TV completely. I do. But I will be brutally honest and say that I don't want my kids to be total and complete social pariahs. We make a LOT of choices that are out of the mainstream that already have my kids left of center, in the fringes, so any more choices we make have to be heavily weighed. Not that I'm desperately wanting them to "fit in" or become jocks or cheerleaders or whatever. I most definitely do not. I want them to find their own niches to fit in TO. At the same time, I don't want to make rash decisions just to out-crunch the next family. You use cloth diapers? Well, WE use elimination communication. You're vegetarian, well, WE'RE vegan. You get the picture. And yes, I seem to know online moms like this.

So what we choose to do is use the TV rather than demonize it. Take last night for example, my two oldest kids and I sat and watched Origins, the Nova special about the origins of the universe. I was amazed that they were really very interested in it, they watched the whole thing! And I, for one, DO learn things from TV. From the Food Network, to the Discovery Channel and PBS, there are lots of new things to learn right at my fingertips. And yes, my kids watch Teen Titans and The Fairly Odd Parents, too. They like to be entertained as well! So while we don't get all our edumacatin' from the telly, we do use it to our advantage. I refuse to buy into the black and white that TV is all bad. I don't think anything is all bad or all good, black and white. Lots of things are gray, and therein lies the beauty.

Recently, a person whom I viewed as relatively enlightened and forward thinking, referred to going to Wal-Mart to see all the fat people. It stung at first, because I admit I'm not a thin person and I have been in a Wal Mart. :-) But I just felt this comment was really offbase and even fat-ist. I mean, if someone were to say "I'm going to Wal-Mart to see all the ______" and fill in that blank with midgets/black/mexicans/handicapped/gay people I can safely say everyone would be up in arms about it. At least in the community I'm in with this person. But it's okay to go gawking at fat people.

And I do understand that being overweight in most cases can't be truly compared to being a minority; usually we could just do the work and lose the weight. I understand that. BUT. Just because we're of the higher BMI doesn't mean we're less worthy, less deserving of respect. It doesn't mean we're a sideshow, providing entertainment to all the skinnies of the world. How sad is that? That people would get some kind of perverse satisfaction out of seeing others in various states of overweight and likely, unhappiness. And it's obviously not just this one person, and I will say she's a wonderful person and was just trying to be funny. I don't really think she has deep seated issues with fat people. I do think there are many people who do, however, and I find that incredibly sad that they would choose to limit the people they know and love based on a number on a scale. How they're missing out!!

Ever the fatalist, I am back...and not so fatal anymore.

I just heard the latest and greatest Bushism...

My previous personal fave was "this administration will never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people." Hahaha...

But I just heard on the radio his Freudian slip that we "should not be in Iraq" (paraphrasing here, I can't seem to find a link to the speech!). It was really funny though...when he tried for a save and failed miserably.) What a dumbass.

It looks like the constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage WILL in fact make it to the Ohio ballot. Damn. The proponents of the amendment had 5 days to gather 47,000 more signatures so of course they submit over 140,000. Apparently most Ohioans are homophobic as well as conservative! Whodathunkit? I hate this state. Actually, I do have some hope for Ohioans though; as a friend pointed out, there are lots of Kerry/Edwards signs out there! I hadn't really noticed until she mentioned it, but there really ARE a lot of them! I was sure Ohio would go to Bush since it's such a normally conservative state but I'm seeing a lot more Kerry signs than I did Gore signs four years ago. The one I saw on a bumpersticker this morning in the library parking lot was classic though "save the environment, plant one Bush back in Texas". I needed that this morning! So I'm still crossing everything...I'm hoping I get to have some of that smug satisfaction I had the morning after Clinton won. That was a fabulous day!

Marriage sucks. I swear we were not meant to be in these long term monogamous type relationships. One where every little thing, even those things you once found darling, can just get on your ever loving nerves.

So yesterday I make the mistake of taking a book with me to Maddie's gymnastics class. Suffice it to say that wasn't a good idea. While I sit right there in the main gym instead of up with the other parents per Maddie's request, I still apparently needed to have my eyes glued on her instead of reading. She got freaked, cried and we came home early. On the way home it hits me that this is the issue (no, she didn't tell me what the problem was at the gym) and I realize Scott is going to rail at me about it, saying I was stupid for bringing the book and all that. So when he gets home, I start by saying "it was my mistake, I should have known..." blah blah blah. He seems fine with it all. Then Maddie goes upstairs and he makes a few comments about how that wasn't that smart of me, etc..and it just hurt. I was happy at first that he wasn't going to be all nasty about it, but then he blows that right out of the water. I mean, this is a freaking gymnastics class here, not brain surgery. I made a mistake.

This is just indicative of where we are right now.

Sorry, I just deleted some stuff. I'm tired of complaining about it (if you can believe that!) and I want a change. Either this has to get better or I can't take it. A couple days ago we had a really good day and it hit me just how bad it had gotten. That one day of getting along and laughing made me realize how long it had been since we had interacted that way. And the one night we've gone out on a "date" it felt...not good. Last night I sat in the middle of the dining room floor listening to Dave Matthews and I was thinking about how I want him to tell me *why* he loves me. I feel like every part of me is judged my him and comes up short, so I want to know why he stays with me. So I turned it around and asked myself, why do I love him? And you know, I'm not so sure I do any more. One of the big things I used to love about him was that he could make me laugh...but we never laugh any more. We just fight and every time it starts I can feel that ever expanding hole in my chest. I just feel hollow.

But then this lady comes in the library this morning looking for legal websites because her exhusband is not keeping up his end of the shared parenting agreement and is keeping her from seeing her kids...and I realize, that's not such a great situation either. If it were just he and I, likely I would call it quits. But we have three other people in this arrangment as well. Their well being has to come into play here too.

I just think marriage is not a natural, organic way to be together. Maybe the animals had it right all along...

On a totally unrelated note :-)

Yesterday, Maddie had her first gymnastics class. She's my little klingon girl and normally at class type things she's okay for the first ten minutes or so, then comes running to me in tears because she can't do it without me with her. Not that it's a bad thing, that's just been her MO for the last couple of years.

So when she expressed interest in gymnastics, I was hesitant. Not outwardly, but inside I was afraid that this would end the same way, in tears and hurrying out the door. We did some tumbling around the house and got a book from the library just to make sure this was going to be her cup of tea. She loved doing it at home. So off we went yesterday to "try it out".

She got there, and I waited by the wall. Off she went with the little gymnastics instructor with about 10 other little girls. She tumbled, she cartwheeled, she even did some loop-de-loops on the high bar! (with help from Mr. not-so-little gymnastics instructor....) what was I saying again? :-P Oh yeah, she did all this without even a second glance at me. Well, a glance or two to make sure I caught her stunts. She was so happy! Jumping around on the mat after her tumbles, running to get a drink, dipping her hands in the chalk like a fiend...it was wonderful to watch!

She'll be 6 in a few short weeks. How did I become the mother to a 2, 6 and almost 9 year old?!

So I'm sitting at work, waiting to let these people in to use the computers. Ah, the power. ;-)

I'm feeling better today, the walk to work in the beautiful weather helped a bit I'm sure. I've just been having ups and downs lately and the downs have been more down than my usuals. I have what's called dysthymia, where my norm, my cruise control, is set lower than most people's. My norm is a low grade depression, and I vary from that norm a bit in either direction from time to time. Suffice it to say, it isn't fun. I tried Vitamin Z (Zoloft) earlier this year, and while it did work, I felt weird about taking it. I mean, normally I'm very anti allopathic medicine, always looking for natural or alternative medicine cures for what ails me. So it felt really strange jumping into the arms of allopathic medicine and starting an SSRI. I guess I still have that view of depression that I should be "strong enough" to just "shake it off". But I've dealt with this my whole life. My father had depressive episodes, pretty major ones. And then I learn this year that my mom, who seems the poster woman for stable mental health, has had her shares of depression and even an almost-suicide attempt when I was about 12. So I know that I came by my mental health honestly. Just yesterday reading that children of those with depression are almost 30% more likely to suffer from depression I realized I have to be willing to do whatever it takes to deal with this better. I mean, I knew MY parents effected me, but it hit me at that particular moment, that MY mental health or lack thereof is going to effect my own children. I don't want this for them, obviously.

I'm going to go back to the therapist. If I need an SSRI or something similar at least for a while, then so be it. What I really hope to do is develop tools to deal with my issues better and I think the therapist should be able to help me with that. I have several big issues that I'd like to resolve. And I know this might be my challenge in this incarnation, this might be a lifelong type of challenge...not something to be dealt with quickly and easily.

What I'm really hating right now is that I don't do the things I know I could do myself to help with my depression. I take the supplements and all that, but I know a biggie is just movement, exercise. And if you know me at all, you know I love to exercise when I get started, it's the getting started that I really have problems with. I'm kicking myself because this is something easy and free that I could do right now, and I'm not doing it. Why? I dunno. Easier to just sit and whine about my problems I guess. Gotta work on that.

So anyway...Kym, since you're the only one reading :-P I'm feeling better today....

I'm having a really rough day...week...life.

If anyone has any love or good thoughts to send, I'd appreciate it.

Made an appointment at the counselor's again. I'm "inactive" so I have to sit through that 2 hour intake interview again. Shit.

I feel like I am failing at my life.

As of late, I've noticed that when I smell chemical cleaning agents I get an insta-headache. I know this is because, after having used those same chemicals for years, I stopped using them a few years ago. I've gradually cut down and now I mainly use baking soda and vinegar with essential oils for all my cleaning. I just can't believe how quickly we build up a tolerance for all those chemicals! They never bothered me before, but now that I no longer use them they do. Weird. And scary.

I've gotten even stranger lately because I no longer shampoo my hair. Now before you start picturing stanky, lanky dreads I'll admit that I do wash my hair, just not with shampoo. I use, you guessed it, baking soda and honey followed by an apple cider vinegar rinse. Yeah, it smells at first but as my hair dries there's no vinegar scent. And I'm loving this! My hair is shiny and soft and...best of all...it's not freaky anymore! My hair used to have parts that were wavy and parts that were stick straight so it was really hard to manage; even with a straightener there were still parts that wanted to curl up and when I tried to scrunch it there were parts that wanted to stay straight. But now I have this great wavy-ness throughout my hair. I'm thinking the shampoo was just weighing it down, hence the straight parts. I also use the baking soda and honey (plus whatever oil I want to add for scent) for a body scrub. It works as an exfoliant plus leaves my skin really soft.

So I'm really enjoying switching to a chemical free home...I'm not stuck with giving up quality for purity. Still using natural products, but getting fabulous results! I'm liking this...

A quickie post from work since my home computer is being de-virused as I type...I hope anyway.

The big news at Chez Cheryl?

- My five year old (almost 6!) just lost her first tooth!

-Scott and I are tentatively getting along...after a touchy weekend I think we're back on solid ground.

-We're starting year 3 of homeschooling our oldest and this may be the last. I feel him needing more of an outlet away from us and I'm finally accepting the fact that I'm really not that great at homeschooling. Par for the course with me, I start out with these grand intentions but suck on the follow through.

-My two year old is a frenzy of activity and I keep hearing myself saying " were the first two this ACTIVE?!". I'm assuming they were, it's just that now I'M not, so it just seems like crazy town all the time.

-I'm finally at the point where the thought of more kids totally skeeves me out...I'm much more diligent with my temping and charting and making sure none of the guys make it past the goalie...of course, we play short seasons around these parts :-( We may be surgically subverting the "guys" in the not too distant future.

- Remember my post about working on my health? Well, I'm down about 6 lbs since then. It's a lot slower in coming off this way, but I don't feel like I'm on a "diet" or anything. It feels like just small changes here and there and they really DO add up. I'm not obsessing over the scale, I'm not denying myself good things...I'm just finally starting to treat myself a bit better. And slow and steady wins the race, eh?

-We're so broke it ain't funny. Scary things might end up happening if we don't do something soon...oh well. There just aren't lots of jobs around here but we do have a few possible options that might pan out in the not too distant future. We shall see.

ack...it was drivel anyway...

 

Ooookay. My house is freaking haunted.
 
The other night, I was getting the cats in the basement for the night and turning off lights downstairs. I was done and was headed for the stairs in the dark. From the living room to my right I hear and audible sigh. It sounded like a little girl sighing. I mean, REALLY sounded like it. I picked up the pace and rounded the corner and went up the stairs. By the time I got into bed, I was freaking a bit. I didn't freak when I heard it though for some weird reason, it was like I was just intent on getting up those stairs. Scott tried to tell me what it could have been, but none of those things explained the sound that I heard. Then he says, well, it could have been worse (than a little girl sighing). I laugh and go to sleep.
 
Today, while in the kitchen I hear "moooom" and it sounds JUST like Maddie saying mom. I think she's come downstairs and is behind me. I look around and no...one...is...there. I even call to Maddie to see if maybe she had said it upstairs and I just heard it, but no, she was playing with her friend and hadn't said anything.
 
I'm starting to get freaked out here! I like the idea of ghosts and spirits, but not in my HOUSE! egads...

Lately I've been noticing something. Guys check me out when I'm driving. They don't do it when I'm out walking or when I'm at the store, it's only in the car.

And we all know where this is going, don't we? We know why it would only happen in the car, right?

So it hits me. I've only got so many more good years in me. It's nearly impossible to be a hot 60 year old. I'm 32 and from the neck up I'm still fairly presentable. I don't want to wait until I'm fifty to decide to take care of myself and look good, dammit! So here we go again...but it feels different somehow this time. I'm not depriving myself of anything, just being more aware of the things I eat and how much. Taking walks even when I don't really feel like it. And no, I'm not striving for "hot" per se, I just want to look good again.

I know this has been causing a lot of my problems lately. Eating the starchy, sugary foods..not getting enough exercise..feeling badly about myself. It's a cycle that makes me more irritable to my family, more pessimistic about myself and my life. And that's crazy because there are no do overs! I don't get another chance to be happy.

And I already feel sooo much better, just a week into making these changes. Yay!

So I'm anxiously awaiting my brand spankin' new Kerry/Edwards bumper sticker! Still need to order my yard signs.

I didn't know too much about Edwards before, but he seems like a great pick. Secretly I was hoping for Dean, but I knew that was unlikely to happen and unlikely to result in a win in November.

When I need a pick-me-up I just flash on that segment from the Daily Show where Bush mispronounces the name of the Abu Ghraib prison...gawd was it funny. And then the big pause after he said "Abu Ga-reff" where you just knew the fact that he effed up hit him. LOL I love his gaffes. They make me think that no one in their right minds could vote for him.

In other news...

I'm planning a secret night out with my husband. Going to get a great new haircut (and catch up on the gossip with my stylist bud!), get a sexy new outfit (well, as sexy as you can get in my size lol) and go out. Not sure of the details at this juncture, as I will have to convince Maddie to actually stay with grandma AND figure out how to do all this secretly yet still let Scott know where to meet me. Ah hell, I might just stay in and eat Oreos ;-)

This using-blog-as-therapy approach is not working, obviously :-)

So a while back in one of my email groups we were talking about marriage. The topic was along the lines of needing or not needing spouse's approval.

The stronger voices said that no, they did not need their spouse's approval of their parenting or their housekeeping or anything else for that matter. Their spouse was their equal and not someone they had to seek approval from.

While I get that, I'm not like that. It's not that I need Scott to pat me on the head and tell me I'm doing okay, it's just that I'd like a little respect for the things I do. Without him coming out and saying it, I feel he thinks I'm a bad mother, wife, housekeeper, you name it. To be honest, I would like him to tell me he thinks I'm a good mom, or that he appreciates what I do. It would just feel good.

But yesterday as I was pondering this, I realized this is such a problem of mine. I've always been an approval seeker, always needing someone outside myself to give me worth. Whether it was my teachers, my parents, boyfriends, friends...I always got my value from exterior sources. Right now, without anyone doing this for me, I'm feeling utterly without worth. The negative self talk I indulge in is getting quite scary.

Then my thoughts wander to the kids. How did I come out of childhood with no self esteem, and how do I make sure my kids don't suffer a similar fate? How do I make sure they know they are shining creatures who are valued simply for being? I think of this often, but also too often fall into the same traps my parents did. The yelling, the sarcasm, the anger. Which circles back around to my parenting abilities and my worth and the negative thinking that they would be better off without having me as a mother.

I'm fucked up. And if I don't do something different, my kids will be fucked up too.

It seems hard to believe we're already mid year in an election year.

I'm not hearing a lot about the election it seems. And it could be where I live...I'm sure Ohio is a hip-pocket state for old GWB so we're likely not going to see a lot of the advertising dollars spent in our yard. But still...

I don't hear a lot of talk about it, I don't hear people discussing it. That worries me. I know there are a lot of people like me, who would vote for the devil if he were running against Bush. But I also know there are those staunch members of the GOP who will turn out to vote, those who might not have otherwise, just to keep him in office. I want more people pissed off. I want more people to be in the know about issues of this election and the ramifications of leaving Bush in office.

I'm really hoping Fahrenheit 9/11 opens people's eyes enough so that they make it to the polls in November. I'm going to be seeing it, but I'm already sold. I am afraid, however, that it will make me spontaneously combust right there in the theatre, box of popcorn in hand.

Lately I've been thinking about my family's diet.

We do eat better than the majority of people in this country, I think. But we still have processed junk in the house from time to time. Not too happy about that. But my husbands penchant for potato chips and pop tend to win the day and we end up with those things in the house. Also, when he shops he usually goes overboard with the junk food. This is the man who once came home from the grocery store with ice cream, candy bars, chocolate chip cookies and Hershey Kisses. 'Course he never weighs more than 135 lbs. because he buys the stuff for me and the kids. I keep telling him they don't need it and I DEFINITELY don't need it, but to no avail. Not even considering the fact that I can make chocolate chip cookies that taste 100 times better than the store bought ones. But I digress..I'm just saying we tend to have things in the house that aren't so healthy.

So this week I've decided to make some changes. I did the grocery shopping yesterday and it was eye opening. I spent almost $100 on one weeks worth of food! Granted though, a lot of the things I bought are going to last longer than a week. I had to buy all my flours, which add up quickly price-wise but tend to last a month or so. And I picked up some of the pricey coffee for Scott as a Father's Day gift. And a gift for grandpa for Father's Day. But still, a lot of money for healthier foods. My hope was that healthier foods will actually cost less, and I still think in the long run that will be true. With a full pantry, I can scratch cook most things without any added, processed junk.

So this will be a week replete with freshly baked breads, granola and other yummy things made completely from scratch. I won't think about how my house is going to look after this week...I'll think about that tomorrow...

After catching up on Holly's blog, and reading her post about not being "into" the whole birth and pregnancy stuff anymore, I got to thinking.

Why am I *still* very much into it? I still love reading birth stories, I still enjoy living vicariously through others' pregnancies and births, I still think about "just one more". Though, yes, I do know that in my current situation it's not going to happen, I still do think about it. It's funny that I feel this way even though in my heart of hearts, I know it's best to be finished with additions to our family. I do feel like three is a very good number for us. But I still have those fleeting feelings. And I actually envy women who are able to be done with all the feelings and the babylust.

I believe it's because I still regularly hang out at a fertility based web community. Every time I read posts there, I get the baby urges. I know that I should just stop visiting there, but I've made some friendships with like minded moms and I want to keep up with everyone. Still, it's hard to be with a group of mothers who are continuing to add to their families when I'm past that stage.

I am actually looking forward to parenting older kids and not having an infant in the house. Mace is almost 2 and is starting to be a tad more independent. Getting a shower is nice, completing a task is nice. I'm happy with my three as is, but I guess I'll always have that babylust monster lurking in the back of my psyche.

My husband drives me nuts. Oh, you've heard this one before? Well...you're hearing it again.

Today it was the division of labor. He was complaining before I left for work about how busy he's been today. Which is fine in and of itself, but there were comments made to the effect that I, on the other hand, have been doing pretty much nothing. So I'm throwing this out there, here's what we did today. I'm being very honest, not making myself out to be the martyr here, because I don't feel I've done more than he has, I just feel it's pretty evenly split.

This morning, I got up with Mason at about 5 am. He decided to get up early. Scott, Gage and Maddie remained upstairs sleeping. At around 7:30 they came downstairs and about that time Mason nursed to sleep. He snoozed on me while Scott surfed the internet for just a bit, he did also make breakfast for all of us. After Mason got up, I took him, Gage and Maddie out to my moms. I have to give her a shot of growth hormone that helps with the side effects of the chemotherapy she's doing (almost done, thankfully! One more session). Scott stayed home because he wanted to get the house cleaned up. See, he's a fairly nice guy! So we get back around 1 o'clock. At that time I find a letter from our attorney that he needs some more paperwork for some legal stuff we're dealing with. I stress about stuff like this, especially when he needs it by early next week and some of it I may have to request be mailed to me. So I start looking through paperwork to see what we have – note, I have prepared ALL the forms, etc.. that we've had to submit thus far. I get online to make a couple requests for statements, etc.. Scott takes a shower and heads to the grocery store. Again, great gesture but I do have all three kids to care for and it's not the easiest thing in the world! He gets back at 4:00 and I have to run upstairs to get dressed and ready to leave for work at 4:30.

I don't think this day has been all that inequitable! I did some running around too, I wasn't just sitting on my arse doing nothing. I do admit that I don't have the most initiative and I can live in a moderate amount of mess. But it makes me mad that he doesn't recognize the stuff I do at all, but anything he does is monumental. Ugh. I just realized today that more days than not I'm unhappy in my marriage. I guess I don't really personally know all that many people who are happy in their marriages, but most seem at least content. They enjoy each other's company. It doesn't feel like we do anymore. I feel like I'm being judged a lot, I feel unloved a lot. I can tell you right now with almost complete certainty that were we to get divorced I would never get this far "into" a relationship again. It's too hard. Many a day I think about how nice it would be to come home to peace, no one fighting, no one in a bad mood, no one making mean-spirited comments then saying "just kidding"....just me and my kids and peace. And I'll admit it's not just him, it's both of us. I will always cop to being high maintenance, but I've always been. I often think that one can only afford to be high maintenance if one is attractive; that being high maintenance and homely is a deadly combination. A man is willing to do more for an attractive woman...in my experience anyway. Not that I have experience being a more attractive woman :-)

So anyway. I guess it's easy to put on a front when it comes to your marriage. It's easy to let people think things are wonderful. Just feeling a hit of reality lately, and reality does in fact bite.

WTH? My blog is not working right. Surprise, surprise lol

I will not post whiny vents, I will not post whiny vents. I must think of something positive to blog about.

I mean really. I'm being a big wimpy baby. I have three healthy kids, I have a husband I love, I have a house, a job, food in my fridge. What have I to complain about? You got it, nothing. Today anyway ;-)

A couple weeks ago, I was out grocery shopping with my daughter, my sister and her daughters. We were just strolling through the store when this guy catches my eye...I know him...who is he...oh..my..gosh...it's my ex-fiance. I was engaged to him before I met Scott. Well, I was still engaged to him when I met Scott but I digress..

He looked so much older..granted we're both almost 15 years older but he's got gray hair and everything. He's with his wife and two kids, he doesn't see me or pretends not to anyway, as I do the same thing. I feel an odd glee that his wife isn't thin either lol. And I think at one point I saw him actually hit one of his kids. So there are no feelings of "what if" on my part. More a sigh of relief.

Well, I shouldn't say that. I DID think "what if"...what if I hadn't met Scott, what if I didn't have my three fantastic kids, what if my life had been different than the pretty good set up I've got going now. I know that Greg and I were not going to go the distance, I'm not sure why I accepted that marriage proposal (other than the fact that it was Christmas morning and his whole family was there, in on the whole thing. And this was back when I was really into long haired artist types.) I knew we were not going to make it when he let me be goaded into a decision that I didn't want to make, he didn't stand up for me, for us. He didn't stop me. I blame myself mostly for this particular decision but still. He was there and let it happen. There would always be that hole in our relationship. I do wonder now if he ever thinks about that time and wonders "what if". I do sometimes, but I know that were it not for that decision I would not have the life I have now, not at all.

It was really odd seeing him..I guess I had this mental picture of what he would be like now and it's way off.