My husband drives me nuts. Oh, you've heard this one before? Well...you're hearing it again.

Today it was the division of labor. He was complaining before I left for work about how busy he's been today. Which is fine in and of itself, but there were comments made to the effect that I, on the other hand, have been doing pretty much nothing. So I'm throwing this out there, here's what we did today. I'm being very honest, not making myself out to be the martyr here, because I don't feel I've done more than he has, I just feel it's pretty evenly split.

This morning, I got up with Mason at about 5 am. He decided to get up early. Scott, Gage and Maddie remained upstairs sleeping. At around 7:30 they came downstairs and about that time Mason nursed to sleep. He snoozed on me while Scott surfed the internet for just a bit, he did also make breakfast for all of us. After Mason got up, I took him, Gage and Maddie out to my moms. I have to give her a shot of growth hormone that helps with the side effects of the chemotherapy she's doing (almost done, thankfully! One more session). Scott stayed home because he wanted to get the house cleaned up. See, he's a fairly nice guy! So we get back around 1 o'clock. At that time I find a letter from our attorney that he needs some more paperwork for some legal stuff we're dealing with. I stress about stuff like this, especially when he needs it by early next week and some of it I may have to request be mailed to me. So I start looking through paperwork to see what we have – note, I have prepared ALL the forms, etc.. that we've had to submit thus far. I get online to make a couple requests for statements, etc.. Scott takes a shower and heads to the grocery store. Again, great gesture but I do have all three kids to care for and it's not the easiest thing in the world! He gets back at 4:00 and I have to run upstairs to get dressed and ready to leave for work at 4:30.

I don't think this day has been all that inequitable! I did some running around too, I wasn't just sitting on my arse doing nothing. I do admit that I don't have the most initiative and I can live in a moderate amount of mess. But it makes me mad that he doesn't recognize the stuff I do at all, but anything he does is monumental. Ugh. I just realized today that more days than not I'm unhappy in my marriage. I guess I don't really personally know all that many people who are happy in their marriages, but most seem at least content. They enjoy each other's company. It doesn't feel like we do anymore. I feel like I'm being judged a lot, I feel unloved a lot. I can tell you right now with almost complete certainty that were we to get divorced I would never get this far "into" a relationship again. It's too hard. Many a day I think about how nice it would be to come home to peace, no one fighting, no one in a bad mood, no one making mean-spirited comments then saying "just kidding"....just me and my kids and peace. And I'll admit it's not just him, it's both of us. I will always cop to being high maintenance, but I've always been. I often think that one can only afford to be high maintenance if one is attractive; that being high maintenance and homely is a deadly combination. A man is willing to do more for an attractive woman...in my experience anyway. Not that I have experience being a more attractive woman :-)

So anyway. I guess it's easy to put on a front when it comes to your marriage. It's easy to let people think things are wonderful. Just feeling a hit of reality lately, and reality does in fact bite.