Marriage sucks. I swear we were not meant to be in these long term monogamous type relationships. One where every little thing, even those things you once found darling, can just get on your ever loving nerves.

So yesterday I make the mistake of taking a book with me to Maddie's gymnastics class. Suffice it to say that wasn't a good idea. While I sit right there in the main gym instead of up with the other parents per Maddie's request, I still apparently needed to have my eyes glued on her instead of reading. She got freaked, cried and we came home early. On the way home it hits me that this is the issue (no, she didn't tell me what the problem was at the gym) and I realize Scott is going to rail at me about it, saying I was stupid for bringing the book and all that. So when he gets home, I start by saying "it was my mistake, I should have known..." blah blah blah. He seems fine with it all. Then Maddie goes upstairs and he makes a few comments about how that wasn't that smart of me, etc..and it just hurt. I was happy at first that he wasn't going to be all nasty about it, but then he blows that right out of the water. I mean, this is a freaking gymnastics class here, not brain surgery. I made a mistake.

This is just indicative of where we are right now.

Sorry, I just deleted some stuff. I'm tired of complaining about it (if you can believe that!) and I want a change. Either this has to get better or I can't take it. A couple days ago we had a really good day and it hit me just how bad it had gotten. That one day of getting along and laughing made me realize how long it had been since we had interacted that way. And the one night we've gone out on a "date" it felt...not good. Last night I sat in the middle of the dining room floor listening to Dave Matthews and I was thinking about how I want him to tell me *why* he loves me. I feel like every part of me is judged my him and comes up short, so I want to know why he stays with me. So I turned it around and asked myself, why do I love him? And you know, I'm not so sure I do any more. One of the big things I used to love about him was that he could make me laugh...but we never laugh any more. We just fight and every time it starts I can feel that ever expanding hole in my chest. I just feel hollow.

But then this lady comes in the library this morning looking for legal websites because her exhusband is not keeping up his end of the shared parenting agreement and is keeping her from seeing her kids...and I realize, that's not such a great situation either. If it were just he and I, likely I would call it quits. But we have three other people in this arrangment as well. Their well being has to come into play here too.

I just think marriage is not a natural, organic way to be together. Maybe the animals had it right all along...