So a while back in one of my email groups we were talking about marriage. The topic was along the lines of needing or not needing spouse's approval.

The stronger voices said that no, they did not need their spouse's approval of their parenting or their housekeeping or anything else for that matter. Their spouse was their equal and not someone they had to seek approval from.

While I get that, I'm not like that. It's not that I need Scott to pat me on the head and tell me I'm doing okay, it's just that I'd like a little respect for the things I do. Without him coming out and saying it, I feel he thinks I'm a bad mother, wife, housekeeper, you name it. To be honest, I would like him to tell me he thinks I'm a good mom, or that he appreciates what I do. It would just feel good.

But yesterday as I was pondering this, I realized this is such a problem of mine. I've always been an approval seeker, always needing someone outside myself to give me worth. Whether it was my teachers, my parents, boyfriends, friends...I always got my value from exterior sources. Right now, without anyone doing this for me, I'm feeling utterly without worth. The negative self talk I indulge in is getting quite scary.

Then my thoughts wander to the kids. How did I come out of childhood with no self esteem, and how do I make sure my kids don't suffer a similar fate? How do I make sure they know they are shining creatures who are valued simply for being? I think of this often, but also too often fall into the same traps my parents did. The yelling, the sarcasm, the anger. Which circles back around to my parenting abilities and my worth and the negative thinking that they would be better off without having me as a mother.

I'm fucked up. And if I don't do something different, my kids will be fucked up too.