If I could just have one more thing to worry about, I’m sure I would just spontaneously combust!

This week, I opted to have the 20 week ultrasound. Mainly, yes, I wanted to know the gender of the baby. I had been sure I was having a girl, but wanted that confirmation. For some reason, I had been very ambivalent about having the ultrasound but I kept talking myself into it.
So I go in and as we start the process, I realize that I’ve got a trainee and the woman in the room with us is his trainer. He had some trouble finding certain things and she helped him, then she went ahead and finished. It seemed to take forever, and I later realized that I’d been in there over an hour. That’s a long time for a “routine” ultrasound. But she finally turns the screen to me and I see the baby’s face and arms and legs, and we confirm that we are in fact having a girl. Yay, right?
Well, I finally get out of there and head upstairs to my midwife’s office for my prenatal appointment. I sit in the exam room for a good 20 minutes or so (even though it seems there are no other patients there at this point) and she finally comes in. We talk about general stuff for a few minutes, then she says it. There are a few things we need to talk about regarding the ultrasound. Ok, hit me. The first is that the tech couldn’t find the stomach (the trainer or the trainee). I could tell this was a problem since she had been trying to move the transducer all over, I knew she was looking for something there at the end. Well, but this could just be due to the baby not having swallowed anything recently or maybe just positioning. Okay. But apparently both kidneys are also dilated. We found the same thing with Maddie before she was born, but it was only unilaterally where this is both kidneys. Maddie’s did resolve on its own and she needed no further treatment. So I’m freaking a bit. They want me to come back in just over a week to have another ultrasound done then if that one is still showing abnormalities then I go to the University hospital for a level II ultrasound.
And oh, by the way, the same blood sugar numbers my homebirth midwives are perfectly fine with? The CNM wants to put me on insulin.
Freakin’ great.

Anyway. I’ve done a mad amount of reading and researching since getting all this news, and I am feeling pretty optimistic. Turns out usually not seeing the stomach usually just means they couldn’t see it, not that it’s not there. And if it were actually not there, you’d see other problems that we weren’t seeing. The dilatation of the kidneys is also one of the most common ultrasound diagnoses, and usually it resolves on it’s own before birth. If not, there are some non-surgical ways of dealing with those problems anyway. But while I’m not totally freaking out, it feels like I just had cold water poured all over my excitement. I’m worried about this, then worried about our moving situation, worried about money, worried about paying for the homebirth, worried about everything. I thought I was having a panic attack this morning in bed, lying there with my mind racing I couldn’t get myself to relax, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. This isn’t good for me. I need to find a way to relax about things…

Yeah, I'm still around!

Feeling...pretty good. I'll be 19 weeks pregnant tomorrow and am glad to be almost halfway done. Funny, I thoroughly enjoyed my previous three pregnancies and for some reason I feel a lot more worry and anxiety over this one. I think it's the feeling my body is failing me, or that I've failed my body, over this blood sugar issue. I can't eat the foods I want, I feel hungry a lot of the time, I hate having to even think about it. Even as I type this, bambina is moving furiously in my belly, though. She's there, and I think she'll be okay. The sacrifice will be worth it.

And yes, obviously I'm still thinking "she". After much thought and consideration, we are going to go through with an ultrasound next week. And knowing how much I can't wait for surprises, how I can't stand not knowing what's in that prettily wrapped gift box, I think we'll find out if my instincts are right and this is, in fact, a girl. Totally cliched, but I really don't have a preference either way. Boys are great fun as well...I just can't shake this girl vibe I'm getting.

We're also moving forward with our plans to move to the country. After thinking about it and wondering if it will still work with one more person involved, we're going ahead with the home as is and will build on relatively quickly. It's being moved and secured this week actually! So then Scott can get to work on the interior changes. Likely we're looking at a move next Summer at the earliest. It's going to be a stretch, but we just can't stay where we are now. We want more freedom, more time to spend with our kids without being so stressed about finances. That's a huge drain on a family, having to keep "paying the bills" near the forefront of your concerns. It takes your focus away from your kids and on more trivial things. I know I'll be happier when we have more financial freedom.

So anyway...that's where things stand. For some odd reason, even with all these worries, I'm looking forward to the holidays. The kids are excited and they're getting some things they want...I think it'll be a good time.

Oh yeah, can I add how freaking unfair this is RIGHT at the holidays?!? I love to bake and I love the holiday goodies. I know, kind of a silly thing to get upset about, but there ya go. I mean, it would be different if I was seeing major results with cutting out sugar, but I'm not and I *still* can't eat it.

I often think I shouldn't have tested this early. Most women don't get tested for gestational diabetes until at least week 24. I'm only 16.5 weeks. I know deep down that it's good to find these things out early, but damn! So I have about 23 more weeks of deprivation followed, very likely, by a birth experience I don't want. Fun!

Yes, I'm a total bitch and whiner for not thinking about how this is all for the baby. Maybe I'm dwelling on all this superficial stuff to avoid thinking about that. I dunno.

I've got to vent about this somewhere else...I keep going on about it in different places and I'm sure I'm getting tiresome.

Just over a week ago, I decided to listen to that little voice that was telling me to watch my blood sugar. I figured it had to mean something; I've never even thought about it much in the past. I do have a family history of diabetes, I have big babies, I'm overweight. I've known for a while that I'm at increased risk, pregnant or not. But I hadn't given it all that much thought until it kept popping into my mind over the last few months.

So I bought a glucometer and thought I'd test it out and see what happens. Well, my fasting blood glucose numbers are not normal. They're not 200 or anything, but have been hovering around 120 when the ideal is well under 100. I've cut out all sugar, all refined flours, upped my protein, upped my exercise, started taking more B6, magnesium and zinc because they're reputed to help bring blood sugars down. All for naught at this point. Sure my post meal numbers are great, but I'm hearing that the fasting number is THE number for most health care providers. And I can't seem to do more than a few point reduction even with all these changes.

From the mad amount of reading I've done, it looks as though over 105 is where most docs want you on insulin. I'm scared of that obviously. I cannot imagine giving myself shots. I had to give my mom subQ shots during her chemo and it was nervewracking and I hated every nanosecond of it.

And so, in the vein of If You Give a Pig a Pancake, here's what I'm also worried about. If they put me on insulin, then my homebirth midwives will, in all liklihood, risk me out of a homebirth. Then I'll have to have a hospital birth. Likely my CNM will have to transfer me to the OB's in the office. Then they'll want to induce at 39 weeks at the latest. And if I'm induced, I can't imagine going it without pain meds. And that's not wuss talk there, if you've never felt an induced contraction you know what I mean. They are a different beast entirely than a regular contraction. And then this poor child will endure hourly heel pricks for the first 12 hours of life to check blood sugar.

I know all these things could possibly be medically necessary. I know that if there is risk, it's best to have the baby where those risks can be managed. I know. But it doesn't take away my sadness and grieving if I get a birth so totally different than what I've imagined. I thought I'd get an experience like Mace's...but this is looking to be not possible. And most people I know don't get that. They say "well, a healthy baby is most important" and I DO agree with that. But it doesn't stop me from being sad about the experience I wanted being taken from me.

I know, I know...wait until you talk to all the midwives before worrying. But I know what these numbers mean. I know that almost NO midwives are comfortable taking on an insulin dependent mom for homebirth. In a bit over 3 weeks, I have visits with both my homebirth midwives and my CNM backup. I'm worried.

Haven't posted in a while...getting annoyed with the spam comments. Helloooo people, no one reads this blog, you're wasting your tiiiime!! :P

Anyway...

I just passed that 12 week mark, where you let out a sigh of relief then you freak out realizing you're a third of the way to a new person. I'm feeling well, the you-never-know-when-it's-going-to-hit sickness as I like to call it has gone for the most part. I'm feeling tired but not as much as I was before. I'm in that limbo state where I don't feel really pregnant, and the baby isn't moving, so it's almost hard to believe there's something growing inside me.

I've not got too much going on lately, it's been pretty quiet. We're re-evaluating our plans to hopefully include a larger house than the one we'd already bought. Won't fit four kids and two adults too easily. We're looking forward to Halloween then Thanksgiving then Christmas. I love this time of year, so many good things to look forward to.

I'm still kind of withdrawing into myself and my family, trying to shut out the outside world. Pregnancy always seems to throw me into this worry state; anything and everything makes me worry. From all the natural disasters we've had to my blood sugar, it's all driving me mad.

I was the first to say, way back when, that my homebirth was really nice and all, but not necessarily life changing. I'd read all these homebirth birth stories and hear people talk about how their homebirth was so empowering and life altering and amazing. Now, I've always felt it was amazing, and I knew had I been in a hospital I would have been hooked up to everything imaginable and would likely have been sectioned for my 11.5 lb baby. So I realized the importance of the location of my birth, but I guess I just never felt that "life altering" feeling. My life was altered because I had a new son, but not necessarily by the location of the birth.

Fast forward to now. I'm slowly realizing that it really was life altering, and I'll tell you how. This time, I know we may not be able to financially swing another homebirth so I'm faced with the possibility of a hospital birth. I'm faced with fighting for the things I want during a time in which I should be sitting back, relaxing and enjoying bringing a new life into our family. I'm faced with likely interventions for all kinds of silly reasons and a birth at a hospital whose reputation is far less than stellar. I'm realizing that my life changed in that I cannot fathom birthing anywhere but home. I can't imagine leaving my kids to bring their sibling into the world somewhere else. I don't want to even think about lying in strange beds without the comforts of home.

I'm going to do everything in my power to have another homebirth. The mere thought of birthing anywhere else makes me feel sad and scared.

So here I am, almost 8 weeks pregnant! Hard to believe. It's still sinking in here, though the fatigue and nausea are doing a good job of convincing me.

I'm already wondering how to do this birth. We're pretty financially strapped with all the expenses of this move we're working toward. All those surprise clerical fees and higher than expected estimates have a way of adding up! I know it's around 2 grand to have a homebirth and I just don't know how to swing that this time. I'm crunching numbers because I really, really don't want to go the hospital route. The only hospital we have here is...not natural birth friendly and known for their incompetence. I am still willing to go talk to the midwife here who does my well woman care and who catches at the hospital, but I don't have high hopes.

On the moving front, the bill to move and set up the house is quite a bit higher than I thought it was going to be so we're stretched for that, but will likely have them move it late this week or early next. I'm starting to waffle about certain things, namely how the kids are going to handle a move to the country away from the handful of friends they have on our street. But we can't manage where we are now, we just can't. I have to get over these fears.

So in the meantime, I'm looking at maternity clothes and and worrying about how my mother in law is going to handle the news of our impending arrival. It's always fun in big mama's house!

I was just reading a board at a site I visit frequently and I feel sick. I just can't stomach some of the crap going on in our country and in our government at this moment. And the fact that there are people out there who still support and speak up for GW and his cronies just makes me feel like screaming! What the hell are you THINKING?????

I can't believe after all that's gone down in the last week or so that people still support this administration. At the least the don't know what they're doing, and at most they're corrupt, hateful, selfish individuals. Neither end of that spectrum is where we need our leaders to fall.

Then just hearing about all the horrible conditions and the suffering those affected by Katrina have endured, I just feel sicker still. I cannot even begin to fathom what they went through and what they felt and what they saw. This has really shaken me; I'm seeing that if a catastrophe hits you have to be prepared and I know we're not at all. Not that a hurricane will be hitting Ohio anytime soon, but you never know what kinds of things could happen.

I guess I just feel unsettled, as many people undoubtedly do. I'm spending time at pregnancy boards trying to keep my mind occupied and immersed in my own little drama, which isn't right either. I'm feeling a need to withdraw into myself at a time when I should be extended outward to help people.

I think reality is finally settling over me.

I notice that I keep saying "it's early". Having had one miscarriage, albeit almost 10 years ago, you still have that in the back of your head with any pregnancy. A positive pregnancy test does not mean you'll have a baby in 9 months. It means the possibility exists, not that it's a foregone conclusion. I've heard it said, and it's true, you lose your innocence having had a miscarriage.

Mine happened several months after we'd gotten married. We'd been together 3 years and were living together; we only got married because I decided I wanted to have kids, and Scott was onboard, and we figured it was the logical next step. Not sure why we thought that silly piece of paper meant squat involving kids, but we did it anyway. I got pregnant two months after our nuptials. I was ecstatic, I told everyone and anyone, we were having a BABEEEEEEY! I got up the morning of my first OB visit, at 7 weeks, and saw red. I didn't know much about much back then, but I knew that wasn't good. I remember numbly sitting in her office, her talking about genetic defects and no, it didn't mean I'd done anything wrong and yes, I'd very likely get pregnant again with no problems. Oddly, I dealt with it rather quietly. I accepted the fact that it was just a fluke, one of those things, supposed to happen for some higher reason I wasn't privy to.

We got pregnant a few months later and had Gage. Since then I've had no problems in my pregnancies, no miscarriages, not even a hint of spotting. But you still never know; I don't fully exhale until after that first 7 weeks, after that first milestone that I never passed the first time.

So the big news, if anyone is reading, is that I'm pregnant.

Just found out earlier this week, due in May. Another FAM faux pas, but really not really. I had my sustained thermal shift which indicated I'd already ovulated then lo and behold I actually ovulated a week and a half later. No more FAM for me. Someone's getting snipped.

Dh has come around - was in massive shock the first couple of days after we found out, but is behaving more normally and is involved again. I'm so glad because that was my biggest concern when I realized this was a possibility.

However, I know those in our extended family and even some friends won't react nicely about this. Oh well. Dh says that's the last thing he cares about, but I still do.

Anyway. It's very early, so really there's no need to get totally freaked out just yet. But as of this moment, there's a little being growing inside me. Wow.

Another boring day at Chez Cheryl ;)

I keep debating about posting something. Or I should say I keep posting it then removing it lol It's early and I really don't know....

Sorry, not ready to post this actually....

Stay tuned though

Something very odd has been happening to me lately. It probably means nothing, but I can't be totally sure.

A couple weeks ago I was meeting friends at a local restaurant. I got there a bit early, and just sat listening to music for a few minutes. During this time, a woman pulled up in the lane across from me. She looked familiar but I couldn't place her. She got out of her car and walked slowly into the store at the other end of the parking lot. I wondered why she parked so far away and why she looked so sad, but then let it go. Fast forward, I'm in the restaurant with my friends. A group gets seated at the next table. Lo and behold, that same woman is with this group and is seated directly across from me (at the next table of course). For some reason I'm drawn to her and I keep glancing over. It's obvious she's unhappy and even a bit angry, even with others in her group. I can't help but wonder what she's so upset about.

Okay. Yesterday I'm sitting on my porch with the kids. Someone comes walking down my street. You guessed it, its this same woman! She walks by, she doesn't look at me or anything so I'm not thinking she's stalking me :P. But she comes back by a few minutes later, not enough time for her to have walked to the end of the street I don't believe.

Just strange stuff. I'm wondering why I keep running into her, who is she, what's her story? She looks a lot like a girl I went to school with, but I'm not sure it's her. I mean, if she noticed me I would start thinking she's some psycho and she knows us or something, but she doesn't seem to notice me at all, I just notice her. I'd wonder if she was some crazy "other woman" if I didn't get the distinct feeling..uh...that wouldn't be of interest to her :P It's all very surreal feeling, I can't quite convey the feeling of disquiet I get seeing her.

I just find this all very strange and I'm not even sure why.

Well, I finally broke down and bought the newest Harry Potter book and have finished it. I'm sad and wanting more, more, MORE!

But other than that, life is just spinning merrily along around these parts!

It seems like my dreams become dimmer upon revealing them to other, less open minded people. I don't think many people I know irl "get" what we're trying to do. And I guess I do gloss over it a bit with people whom I know I have no chance of convincing. So I'll say we're moving into the mobile home until we can build, so that glossy eyed look of bewilderment goes away somewhat. It makes me sad that most people don't understand why living sustainably is a good thing. Why being able to rely on yourself for what little you really need is so important.

If I told people we're going to add on a cordwood addition to the mobile home and that will be our permanent home, if would confirm to them our "freak" status and they would be even more convinced we have no idea what we're doing.

It would be so nice to have at least one person in my family or circle of friends "get" this. But I guess this all comes back to my approval seeking tendencies. I shouldn't need them to get it, I should just revel in the fact our dreams are going to be coming into fruition.

On the dream front, I hate how slowly things are going! I want to get this damned permit so we can move the mobile home and start putting in our wood floors and our drywall, our windows and cabinets. I'm tired of every single thing being so utterly slow. I'm still waiting on that drawing with the layout of the septic system. He finally said over a week ago that he needed the mobile home moved before he could do the drawing (and of course, he never told us that at any point prior). Well, uh, no, that's not the case. The Health Dept says that the home cannot be moved without the permit. So I get this guy a copy of the drawing we did with everything plotted out and I tell him to work from that. Hoping against hope he'll be able to and we can get this show on the road.

It's these kinds of things that take the sparkle out of the dream a bit.

Today I realized I want to maybe, think about, perhaps weaning Mace. I know many people who are thinking "Finally!" but I really do believe in child led weaning. Maddie nursed until 3 and weaned when I got pregnant with Mason, so I really have no solid weaning experience. I didn't really do anything to wean her. So without another pregnancy on the horizon (envision pouty face) I think this time it's going to have to be a bit more mom-directed.

So I know the hardline child lead wean-ers (ha ha) will probably not like my thinking this way. They will say he'll stop when he's ready! And I know that...but I need an end date in mind. He's going to be 3 in November. I think he wouldn't have irrevocable mental anguish from weaning soon. He's gotten all the good parts of nursing, as have I. I'd just like to be able to sit down without him needing nursies.

So there's my treason to the CLW group. And even typing it, I know I probably won't actively wean. I'll do more of a "don't offer, sometimes refuse" thing. To those aforementioned hardliners, this IS weaning. But I don't see it that way. I just think, at almost 3, he's able to sometimes wait to nurse. He's able to understand that I can't always just drop everything to nurse. He's old enough to get that. So we'll still have nursing available, but if he finds that after waiting a few minutes he'd rather play with his trains or play outside with his brother and sister, I think that's an okay thing. It's not cold turkey, it's just a gentle nudge.

I keep wondering if I'm going to be sad when he weans. To be honest, I don't recall being sad when Maddie weaned. This was due in large part to the excruciating discomfort I'd feel when trying to nurse her (disclaimer here, I do totally support tandem nursing. But for me, just didn't work out at all). So I'm not sure if under normal circumstances I would have felt more sadness for that time ending. I'm not sure I'll feel sadness this time either; I think I'll feel more of a twinge. One of those moments where you think "they're growing up so fast" but not true sadness. Who knows though.

It finally happened. I knew it would at some point, I was just putting off the inevitable. I've been bitten by the Harry Potter bug.

I started reading Philosopher's Stone to the kids last week. Well, they weren't all that into it. Their interest waned after a mere few pages. I, on the other hand, couldn't quit reading. I finished that and Chamber of Secrets in a couple days. Then I couldn't locate Prisoner of Azkaban, so had to borrow it from one of Gage's friends. Though I'm 100% sure this book was our missing one; we had loaned it to the friend way back when we bought the first three book series and the kids had forgotten. But anyway...I started that late last night and finished it this afternoon. Now I must go out and buy the remaining books. Not sure I can wait for that Scholastic book sale in a week...And as much as I must read the rest, I don't want to read them too quickly because then it will be over with.

I know this obsessive interest thing is a symptom of adhd. I've thought for a while that I have many of the characteristics of adult adhd, but I don't want to buy into that label. The obsessive interest thing is really tough, though. I find something I'm interested in and I totally immerse myself in it, become single minded in my approach to it, find so much happiness in it...until I don't anymore and then I'm utterly done. So I suppose it's a double edged sword...there's happiness there until there's none at all.

Still here, slogging around.

There has been progress on our move to the country. It's slow but moving forward which I guess is better than fast and moving backward. It's going to happen and that's what's getting me through. Reading about the family in Mother Earth News who lived in their pop up camper for a while made me see we can definitely live in almost 1200 square feet. And they had 5 kids - we've only got three! So I'm feeling more optimistic about this day by day.

Marriage stuff is going better.

And I just realized in the post below I mention Mace's birth being in 2004. I'm too lazy to edit that post, but it was obviously 2002. I'm a dork when it comes to dates.

Not much going on of late. It's summer, and it's hot. We've gotten lots of cabbage and some peppers, eggplant, zucchini and cucumbers from the garden. No tomatoes yet, oddly. Just as last year, they're still green. We had lots of them last summer, just later than usual, and that seems to be repeating this year. I WILL put up sauces and veggies. I WILL do it this year. Last year I canned a bit just to get the hang of it but I didn't really do that much. I need to get with it on the tomatoes this year. I want some sauces! I think in trying to get the hang of gardening I didn't think through what I wanted and needed. Too much cabbage and too many sweet potatoes. Ah well, plant and learn I guess.

Fighting some stupid ill-timed baby lust again! What is wrong with me?!!? One of us needs to make some permanent changes and it needs to be soon.

That's all the news thats fit to print from the house of me.

Since I'm feeling bitchy lately anyway, here are some pet peeves of mine as observed working in the library computer room...

First of all, I absolutely hate when people bring their small infants and chilren in then proceed to ignore them while they chat online or play stupid video games. The baby wants your damned attention, dumbass! This annoys me to no end. Okay, it breaks my heart more than it annoys me. I mean, if you're that inattentive here, in public, I can only imagine how you are at home. Poor children. I want to smack them. The parents, I mean.

My other complaint isn't nearly as upsetting to me as the first one. People are allowed so many pages of printouts free, then there's a minimal charge per page after that. I have several people who will print pages and pages then try to sneak out when I'm busy! Damn, people! What a stupid little dishonest thing to do!

I'm just not happy with humanity today.

It's raining out today and I'm loving it. I normally love rainy days and today is no exception.

We had a good holiday weekend, and Scott is still on vacation this week though I am not. I'm enjoying a rainy morning here at work while I lazily surf the net (and yes, I am allowed to do this at work thankyouverymuch!). We had surprise birthday dinners and pool parties and lots of time visiting with family. It was nice.

Now back to the grind - you know, the one where we're trying to get lots of things done with little time and/or money. We're still waiting on our drawing/layout from the excavator so we can get our permits. He will be contacted today...I spent time yesterday writing out plans and budgets and I have no idea how this is all going to work. But it has to, so we're pushing ahead.

I've been hesitant to blog about certain things and I don't know why. It's not like I have this huge readership (hell, I don't think anyone reads this effer!) but I just feel self conscious about certain topics. I think it has to do with tainting the waters; if I post about something negative and someone actually DOES happen to read it they'll get a certain image of me that may or may not be correct. If I'm angry and I post about something that makes me angry at that moment, I'm sharing something that may be totally temporary. I may not feel that way tomorrow, you know?

As an example...I belong to this email list where one person shared lots of negative details about her spouse. So of course we all got a negative perception of him. So when things were rosy again, it was hard for us to see him in anything but a negative light. I'm still not sure what happened with her; I really liked her and felt a certain kinship with her. I guess I was just too lazy to keep the friendship going.

But that's beside the point. I just hate to share too much, just in case. And the really dumb thing is that I've shared negative stuff before, it's all in the archives. I read over them from time to time to see where I was compared to where I am. Interesting journey.

Suffice it to say, I'm having a rough time lately in my marriage. Nothing earth shattering, nothing union shattering...just your basic we're-annoying-each-other, I-don't-feel-loved crap.

It seems like I know so many people, both irl and online, who have recently or are going to be going through divorce. I wonder what that final straw was, what sealed the deal? For some it's obvious, intentionally or not. There are the blatant affairs where someone is caught or admits to it. Then there are the ones where there was another person but nothing had happened yet.

It seems there's also the ones where someone "isn't happy". I hear that a lot. I guess I'm wondering what that means to many people. At what point does your not being happy become unbearable? I guess I haven't hit that point yet. And to be fair, I'm not really unhappy with my marriage 90% of the time, so there's that. If I was unhappy more than 50% of the time, that would probably be a breaking point for me. I will say that during some of those ten percent times I have fantasized about divorce, not having to deal with it, not having to wonder what another person thinks of my decisions or the size of my bum. Sometimes that sounds pretty good. But I think I idealize it, as with everything in my life. The grass is always a more brilliant shade of green one pasture over. I try to tell myself it's greener because there's more shit over there, but I'm not sure.

Another thing I do when I'm feeling unhappy is that I forget the good things. I realized how much I do this last week. For a long time, I've thought my husband wasn't "there" for me during Mason's birth. I remember him getting upset with me a few hours after I'd given birth about something stupid. I remember him kind of shushing my emotions right after Mason came. So I've had this idea that he wasn't "good enough" during the whole process. Fast forward to this week when I was going through our videotapes and labeling them; I was watching them in bits and pieces to get an idea of the dates for the labels. I get to 2004 and I happen to fast forward to some video of the birth. As I watched, he brought me water, he rubbed my back, pushed my hair out of my eyes, played the music. He really was there for me. I had seemingly forgotten all the good things and crystallized the bad things. And if I'd done that with this birth, I was likely doing it with other things as well. I'm trying to keep that in mind when some of the "bad things" spring to mind. To paraphrase Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, the bad things are always easier to believe.

I think it's part of the work of marriage to remember the good things.

And now if he reads this he's going to think I'm intellectualizing again and he'll ask why don't I live these lofty ideals? Oh well. I'm pretty flawed, that's all I can say. Just remember the good things!! :)

So I know I've been babbling on about our move and all the crapola involved....

But the property has been graded, I repeat, the property has been graded!

Will be going out shortly to take some pics and see the results. Now just 32,348 more things to do...

Other than that, things are going well. Well, other than that and the fact my 2.5 year old will just NOT go in the potty, not for love of Thomas the Tank Engine underwear or chocolate. He knows he's going to pee, he'll grab his tinky winky for dear life, he'll run around trying to avoid it...but he will NOT sit on that POT! I guess I've got yet another who will be in dipes until he's 3.5. I don't want to have to buy new cloth dipes but I'm afraid I'm going to have to.

I'm not going to believe this until I see it....but....

Our contractor is supposed to be grading the property out there this week! And he's the one who was dragging his feet before. The one with the lower estimate! He said last week he was going to do the grading and get our drawing/specs to us this week. It's not a large part that needs grading, just the area over the old foundation where we'll be putting the house.

So, hopefully sometime in the near future we'll be able to get our permits and get the home moved to it's permanent spot so we can start work on it. Flooring and drywall and siding OH MY!

Keep stuff crossed for us that he actually does get out there this week though.

Another year of homeschooling comes to an end. I guess I shouldn't say an end, because it really never ends. But our annual assessment is coming up, which signifies and "end" to this year of our homeschooling experience. Sort of like the Jimi Hendrix experience just without the mind altering drugs. Caffeine could be construed as a mind altering drug, but I digress...

I feel like I actually have something to show for this year, like I'm more prepared to be assessed than in previous years. My 9 yr old is still reading, not loving it as much as I'd personally like, but enough. The strange thing is my 6 yr old is actually reading like a pro and really enjoying it, even though we've never really sat down and "taught" her. Her experience is paralleling my own. I self taught at around 4 and I've loved reading ever since.

They're both working hard on their math; they're doing Singapore which I like so far. I think I just like a curriculum of sorts for math, since it's not my thang. Sure, I get addition and subtraction, multiplication and division...but I just don't seem to be able to teach it organically. It's one of those things I understand, but I have trouble translating to them.

I feel better that we're doing a more structured reading and math program. A book a day plus several pages of the math books. The other things we're still unschooling. The geography, the social studies, the sciences we learn in everyday life.

So this is working for us! I'm a bit surprised by this because I've felt unsure the last couple of years. I've become more committed to homeschooling because it's working, but also because our local schools, both public and private, have gone downhill drastically. I know I wouldn't want to use any of the schools we'd have available if homeschooling wasn't working for us. If Gage shows an interest in attending school, we'd have to really sit down and hash this out and I'm just glad we don't have to for now.

Not to mention how nice it is that we'll have this flexibility as we're gaining more time to devote to the important things, like volunteering and travelling.

I have a million and one things that need to get done and I'm just not interested in doing any of them!

I think I just don't know where to start.

I can't keep up with my own house, let alone keeping up the other property, getting homeschooling done, trying to make contractors actually want to do their jobs, etceterah, etceterah, etceterah...

The neighbor/contractor we were planning on using still hasn't gotten us the septic plans he promised us two weeks ago. When we call him, he's always going to do "some thinking" about it and get back to us. Hellooooo, how much thinkin' is required dude?! And he's never once "gotten back to us", we always end up calling him. I'm not sure what he's doing...I mean, if he didn't want to do the work for us it would have been easier to say "I'm just swamped right now, I don't think I can fit you in"....but no, he acts like he wants to then drags his feet ridiculously. Maybe he's doing this so no one does it, you know? We had someone else out last week, but his is even higher so I'm not sure what to do right now.

And of course you can't do anything without the drawings that will get us the permit to move the house over to it's permanent location. From all I'm hearing, even when you get that drawing turned in, the Health Dept is slower than molasses in January. So we're probably looking at next Spring before we can move out there what with all the waiting around then the money to have the septic installed.

I think the stress from this move is mostly what's to blame for my shifting moods. I feel antsy yet unable to do anything, excited yet anxious, sure yet frustrated. I'm a bag-o-emotions lately.

And to end on a corny note...what kind of shoes to baby cowboys wear?



Cowbooties.

Thanks and good night, from three feet high and rising....

Lately I haven’t kvetched much about my weight.

That’s mainly because I’ve been trying to get to a healthier place about my self image; a more accepting place. I’ve been pretty successful. I feel good about myself, I’m not beating myself up about my weight anymore.

It’s just felt really good.

Well. I made the mistake of hopping on the scale earlier this week. I hadn’t done that in weeks. I’ve gained almost 20 pounds! While I want to accept myself the way I am, I was apparently under the misguided assumption that I would plateau where I was and that was that. Not so.

I’ve upped my water intake and, while not restricting myself, am not just eating willy nilly anymore. I’ve lost a few pounds already, but I really don’t want to get back to that place I was before. I don’t want to feel so awful about myself anymore. I’m going to need to be careful. Honestly, just getting rid of what I’ve gained will be fine – I can’t keep growing out of my clothes!

And I am really all about fat acceptance, I totally agree that society has it’s collective head up it’s ass about health and body size. I know I can be healthy yet carry more weight than the average person. But I also know I’ve not been that great about getting exercise lately, which is a biggie for me. I think if I just got a good mile walk in each day I’d have no problem health wise. And yeah, I like my carbs. I refuse to go on some crazy restrictive diet. Water and exercise are really key for me.

I'm feeling very hopeless today. I'm feeling hopeless about the state of our nation and the direction it's headed.

I hear Democrats being happy about preserving the right to filibuster. Preserving? There should be no preserving. It's a right, pure and simple. If Democrats were in power you'd see the same Republicans who are blasing the right to filibuster singing it's praises. I'm sick of the double standard in this country. If my party's doing the screwing, it's good. If your party is, it's bad.

I'm worried because the old saying "power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely" is showing itself to be more and more true. I'm actually afraid of what this country is going to become with several more years under this administration. My only hope is that people wake the fuck up before the next election for Senators and Representatives.

I honestly would like a real life Republican..not the ones on TV who have millions of dollars...but a middle class Republican to tell me why they think this president is doing any good, what is he doing, what will he leave behind that's of any value. He doesn't care about the environment, he doesn't care about the poor, his education plan is ridiculous, his foreign policy a joke. So if he gets his judges in the high court and manages to make abortion illegal again...is that all? Is that worth all the other problems he's ignoring, or worse yet, causing? I'm pro choice to my core, but abortion isn't THE issue to me. There are far more damaging things he can and is doing to this country than fighting to get abortion illegal. And he won't even succeed at that in my opinion. So what then? What will his legacy be?

I'm scared and worried and damn angry about where we're headed as a country.

I can never quite get a grasp on my ebbs and flows. Last night, while holding my sleeping baby and watching As Time Goes By I just felt so happy. Giddy even. Just excited by the possibilities spread out in front of me like so much chocolate. I wondered then why that seems to happen and what I did to deserve feeling so good? There was nothing different, nothing I had done or hadn't done to provoke those feelings of well being.

And then this morning, I felt desolate and a bit sad. Again, for no real reason. Nothing bad is going on in my life, I lead a pretty charmed existance relative to others I know.

I don't like these extremes of emotion. And they're not even extreme exactly, just opposite enough to be palpable but nothing more.

It's nothing to be really concerned about, but I just wonder why it happens when there seems to be no external or even internal reason for it.

And obviously, I 'd rather feel like I did last night all the time. That would be nice.

I hesitate to cop to my love of As Time Goes By as it 's not something I would normally be drawn to. I stay up late to watch the damned thing! But I have to say that it is funny, and as it's from the BBC I just love it. This feeds another quirk of mine - that's I'm an avowed Anglophile. Ever since I was in my early teens my biggest dream has been to travel to the U.K. I read the Guardian online, I mainly read Irish and English chick-lit writers, I just love it. I have a feeling I lived out a previous incarnation in England somehow, I just feel this pull. A part of me is afraid when I finally do get to go it just won't live up to the mental image I have of it. Kind of like when you re-visit places from your youth and they're just not the same as how you'd remembered them. I think I'm willing to take the risk though.

So we finally got the "yard" taken care of. Scott used the bush-hog to get the main part of it, then I had a muscle-jarring few hours of quality time with a brush cutting mower. Most of the brush and tall grasses are gone for the time being. Still lots to rake up but we're working on that between rain showers. Normally I'd just let it mulch but there's just too much.

So yesterday while I was out there raking, I think I got a new message from the God, The Universe and Everything. I paused in my efforts to take a look at how much I had gotten done (or not gotten done as was the case) and I was just taken aback at how peaceful and beautiful it is out there. I can only see my brother's house across the way and other than that it's all trees and gently rolling farmland. You could hear so many different birds and the breeze in the treetops and that was about it.

I was just really SURE, you know? I felt that this is totally the right decision for us. Even though it seems no one "gets" our doing it. I think many people feel we're doing it because we have financial troubles. While we do tend to have our share of financial difficulties, that isn't our reasoning. This all might make sense to everyone if we didn't have financial problems in that sense. They'd understand that we're trying to live simply, that we want to be financially independant, that we don't want to be tied to the infrastructure and the grid. We want to be sustainable. But since we're not rolling in the dough, they all think we're forced into this. We're not really...we could have made it work where we live now but we'd always be skint and we'd never get to do the things we really want to do, like travel and enjoy our family.

So we're moving ahead with everything. Should have everything together to finally get the permit here shortly then after we have the grading done we can move the house onto it's final destination and we can get to work on it. Happily, we don't have a real time limit on the permit so we can do the septic anytime we're able. Of course we can't live in it until we get the final occupancy permit, but still.

It’s one of those gray, rainy days. Normally, I really enjoy these days for some reason but today we need to go out and mow at the new place. It seems like every chance we get to go out there, it rains lately.

I keep wondering if we’re getting all these messages from the universe and we’re just not heeding them. Earlier this week we found out some of the neighbors out there are not too happy about us moving a mobile home out there. It’s not like these are big expensive homes and they’re worried about resale, most of the surrounding houses are old farmhouses that have been in the families for generations. And they don’t come to US to get to know us or find out what our plans are, they just complain to the zoning commissioner that we’re going to “junk it up” out there. Nevermind that they know my mom who’s lived out there for almost 20 years and my brother who built a house there several years ago, nevermind that they don’t take the time to find out what our plans are…they just don’t want a mobile home there, period.

So there’s that.

Then the fact we have to get this uber-expensive septic system because of the soil and lot dimensions (it’s 1.8 acres but there are issues with the grade and everything). Sure, $9000 may not sound like a whole hell of a lot to some people but to us, it is.

And some other issues we’re coming up against as well.

But I keep wondering, is it the universe telling us it’s a bad idea or society just chafing against our desire to break out of the system? I’m not sure. And there’s no way to tell for sure anyway.

I keep getting these stress headaches over all this stuff. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking and re-thinking this stuff.

We just don’t have the money to do this, which is so ironic because we’re doing this because we don’t have money but we can’t do it without money.

I want to run.

Feeling muuuuch better today. The ball finally started rolling and took PMS with it. The first two weeks of my cycle are so much more relaxing and enjoyable.

So, what's new...

Well, the MH is on our land. Not right where I want it to be, but it's a move in the right direction. We've got the attorney lined up to do the deed transfer, then I just need a couple MORE things to turn in to the Health Department and we're ready to go. Coming up with the cashola for the septic system, a whole nuther story. We're going to go with a leechbed system instead of the more expensive mound system because we're not planning on using the septic a whole lot (will have at least one composting toilet fairly early on and will put a filter on the washing machine drain for all that lint and such...two things that will really help keep the septic tank healthy for as long as possible). The Health Dept guy was actually happy about composting toilets, he said sure those will save years of your septic tank's life! But you still need the same size septic...it's the law dontchaknow!

Other than that, I've been watching Joe Biden a lot lately and I like him. I'd like him in 2008! I know he's had his share of issues but which politician hasn't? I still say Bill was a fabulous president, even with his predilection for oral gratification from non-spousal entities (how's that for avoiding a naughty google? lol). No one is perfect, and I don't expect any more from one who would be president.

I'm worried that as quickly as things are going downhill in W's administration there may not be much we can do. It's maddening I tell you. I really do think he's out of touch with reality.

Ah well. I'm off home for the evening!

Is it bad to be jealous of other people's lives when mine seems so comparatively un-lived sometimes?

I think it's bad. I think I need to keep telling myself that their life can't possibly be *that* good and they're just typing up nice. I'll keep telling myself that.

I feel depression playing around the corners of my life lately. Not sure why or how she's come around again. No real reason. I feel like I'm not who I say I am, I'm not even who I say I want to be. I'm playing at it here, hoping no one finds out I'm wholly incapable of...anything.

I watch Sometimes in April in the middle of the night and I cry. Why can I not scream at the wrongness and question the reality of a (g)od who would let that happen then be grateful, kissing the American dirt in my yard GRATEFUL for the life I have? I should feel that gratitude. I should. I need to.

The preceeding post has been brought to you by PMS, the other menstrual sydrome.

What a day it's turning out to be!

And not in a good way.

So we've paid for the MH, we're getting things set up to move it...and today Scott met with the guy who we thought would be the best bet for doing the excavating. We're assuming it might be a few thousand since my brother just built his big house across the street (4 bdrm, 2 bath...pretty big!) and his septic was around $5500 using the same contractor. So imagine our utter shock at being quoted a figure of $9000! Since Scott was actually there with him, I'm not quite sure where this figure is coming from. The Health Inspector did say it was a lot with some "challenges" due to grading and such, but felt confident we'd be able to get a septic system on it.

Someone tell me again why we can't just go straight to our composting toilets and greywater system? Tell me about those damned regs again and why you just can't do anything that might be good for the environment but you have to pay big bucks to stay in the box, in the matrix, in the grid. I am SO frustrated right now!

We will be calling around to get another estimate though. I don't care if this guy is going to be a neighbor out there, I'm not going to pay him $9000 if we can get it done cheaper elsewhere.

And omigod am I starving right now. Usually my oatmeal with bananas holds me over quite well. Three more hours until I can EAT dammit!

Another facet of my-life-as-hell is that I'm not doing such a stellar job of parenting lately. Not that I've every really been fantastic at it, but I felt like I was on the right track. I don't feel that way right now. Just a rough week all around. Of course this is then end of week 1 of 2 wherein Scott had gotten required to work full time, first shift which made for some pretty interesting schedule conflicts so that added to the overall stress this week. Oh, and did I mention I'm in PMS mode?!

CAN THIS GET ANY BETTER?!?

/whine

Crazy week around these parts.

Things moving forward and back, side to side. Nothing major, just moving along with our plans.

Will blog again when stress level recedes.

Glad Scott is gone. Bo will win.

Still can't get my sidebar to actually BE a sidebar. So for now, it's a bottombar. Whateva.

Got to take a nice long walk with my husband this morning (kids with grandma); it was a good thing. We got a chance to talk about all these looming changes and how we're both sometimes scared but mostly excited.

I really do think that there is going to be a large scale economic downturn unlike any in our lifetimes. I think it will necessitate huge changes in how most Americans live their lives. I'd like to make some changes now while it's still a choice and not yet inevitable. I'd like to teach our kids how to live a life more sustainable and not so tied to outside forces. I don't want to need the utilities or the banks. I'm not saying we're going all out right now, but I'd like us to have the backup there if need be. I'd like to know how to live this way before we might have to.

That sounds like I'm this crazy conspiracy theorist with a full bomb shelter. At the same time, I can't believe how many people are just ignoring all the signposts and assuming things will always be the way they are at this moment. It's not possible that things can and will remain this way. We complain about gas prices, not realizing that they're not going to go down for quite a while, at least not down for any long period of time. Moderates are saying we've got another 10-20 years before we hit Hubbert's Peak which is peak oil production. Sure, we've hit that before in 1970 but then more large oil fields were found shortly after. There are no more fields like that to be found these days. And it's fact that our consumption today is far more than it was in 1970. So when we hit this peak and prices explode upward, are we all going to be able to afford it? No way. And this is just one example of the ways in which our lifestyles are going to be impacted by our disregard for the environment. So getting into that conservation mindset now, before we're forced to, is very important. And anymore, I'm not worried about people saying I'm crazy.

I think I'd rather be crazy than unprepared when changes do happen. And you know, even if changes don't come about, it's better to live in a cooperative way with nature rather than opposed to it. I hope I'm wrong, but without major changes that I don't see on the horizon I can't imagine everything continuing as is.

So...where are we?

Letter is in the mail from HI guy. Check is in the mail from Mr Loan guy. Loan that we'll pay off with the sale of our house (which I'm even worried about although existing home sales are way up). Everything is coming together. And as Mr. T used to say, I love it when a plan comes together.

Okay, this is much more summer-y. Wow I get bored at work!!

But for some reason, when I preview it through Blogger it looks fine but then when it's published all my links and archives fall to the bottom. If any poor soul wanders through here and can tell me why, I'd be much obliged. (cue spaghetti western whistling) Mmmm...spaghetti....

Anyway :P

So I've been working hard lately on accepting myself and my body for what it is. I'm never going to be wafer thin but I still have value and am a pretty darned good person. I need to stop beating myself up and start accepting myself. I've been working on this and surprisingly enough, I feel like it's working. I'm not sure why it never has in the past, but maybe since I'm hurtling through my thirties (I'm 33 already! haha) I'm starting to gain a bit of perspective and not a small amount of respect for myself.

My only issue is...yes, my husband. Love him with all my heart, but I don't feel like he sees past the weight either. Lately I've been able to feel good about myself all but a certain few times. Those times have always been with my husband. I don't accept myself around him because I don't feel he accepts me. And he doesn't really *have* to or anything, this is my issue, my battle. But I do feel there is a part of him that feels, no matter how hard he tries to hide it, that excess weight is a character flaw. That if only I wasn't lazy/had some self discipline/cared about myself then I wouldn't be fat. And again, I can't say with 100% accuracy that these are his thoughts, it seems his actions and sometimes even words said in jest lead me to believe they are though.

I don't know what the answer is. All I can do is all I can do. I can choose to get over myself and quit worrying about my size. If no one else comes along for the ride, then more room for me! :P

Just messing around with a new look. Not happy with Blogger's template options.

Everything else still going well. Mr Loan Guy will get everything closed tomorrow and the check out a few days later. A few details were different than we had initially agreed upon, but what can you expect from a bank.

Still waiting for HI guy to make good on his promise of some letter regarding the site inspection with which we will need to go see Mr. Excavator guy to get everything planned out.

I have posted since then about not being able to use the existing septic system, haven't I? If not, no we can't use it. New septic system and everything.

So...thus far things are going okay. Not amazingly well, but okay.

Other than the moving plans, life is pretty good lately. No major bumps in the road and everyone has been pretty happy overall. I'm loving my husband and my kids lately and it's a good place to be!

Head cold is gone! Vitamin C is a wonderful thing.

Feeling good, feeling great, how are you?!

need an outkast fix...

UGH! Feeling crappy today. This spring cold is having it's way with my family. It's not all that bad, just annoying. I don't want to feel ucky right now!

So, the planets are apparently aligning. I guess I should say, the majority of the planets are aligning with a few asteroids smacking into them here and there. Loan guy came though and things will be finished this week. We can move the home onto the lot per Health Inspector guy (hereafter referred to as HI guy) but we can't use the existing septic. We have to wait for his inspection report to come in this week in order to get with our excavator guy to determine how to proceed and how much money the proceedings are going to cost us.

I really need to have a discussion with HI guy regarding things like a water catchment system to see if that's even a possibility. I hate to have to pay to connect to the water company (4 grand!) when I don't plan on using their services long term. I'm sure he's going to keel over when I ask about this. These people are such sticklers! I understand protecting public health, but there are people all over the world using rainwater catchment systems, including much of China, as their primary water source. It's not dirty water, especially after you filter the crap out of it.

Anyway. There are still some roadblocks but overall it's looking like it's really going to happen. And fairly soon. I'm still dealing with some of my emotional attachments to our house...we brought Maddie home there, Mason was born there...but I think it's just going to take some time. I have to focus on the good things that are going to come of this. We won't be worried about money problems, we'll be living below our means, we can do some of the things we've always wanted to do but could never afford. This move is a good thing.

This whole process is turning out to be very stress inducing.

So right now, I’m waiting on moves from three different people. Any one of these not going off without a major hitch will seriously affect our ability to make this move. One is the Health Dept, another is the owner of the mobile home and the last is the loan officer we’re working with to get a bit of money with which to get this party started.

The Health Department must come out and inspect the site, letting us know where the home can be placed and if the existing septic system can be used or if we have to have a new one installed. Cha ching. So obviously I’m hoping the one there can be used. To paraphrase Wayne Dyer, I’m surrounding myself with the conditions that will lead to the existing septic system to be used. Read, I’m trying to think positive but I’m not counting on it.

The owner of the home needs it to be moved as soon as possible and, oh yeah, would of course like for me to show her the money. I get that. I would feel the same way. We’ve talked about her taking a good sized down payment and letting us move it to the lot while still in her name. This sounds good and is okay with Mr. Health Department Guy as long as it’s not put on permanent foundations. The reason we can’t just pay for it and get it all over with is person number 3, Mr. Loan Guy.

Mr. Loan Guy is going to set us up with a bit of cash to complete everything (to finish paying for the home, to excavate the lot, to pay for set up, etc...). So far he’s telling me it’s all approved and ready to go, pending a few forms to fill out. But I’ve been on this spinning globe long enough to know that a “few forms to fill out” can still cause lots of problems.

So everything is depending on everything else. It feels much like a house of cards and one little move can make everything come crashing down around our ears. Of course if it all goes smoothly, we’re looking at a few months until moving day and being much closer to financial independence. Will just have to pay off this loan we’re getting and off we go. Our plan is to put this house up for sale closer to the time we’re ready to move out. Seriously, I just cannot keep it in show condition with all three kids running around. And it’s cluttered right now. And everything else is stressing me out! Have you been paying attention around here?!

So fingers crossed and all that.

So, more about Plan B. The full title being Plan B: Rescuing a Planet Under Stress and a Civilization in Trouble. You can see where this is going, can’t you?

So far my jaw has dropped numerous times, and I had previously considered myself fairly knowledgeable about environmental issues. But this book touches on far more than simple environmental problems to social and political and cultural problems that are forcing a showdown between mother nature and us puny mortals. That there won’t be water if we keep using it like this, that due to agricultural overuse we’re losing valuable soil and some areas are even turning arid and desert-like, especially in places like north western China. He’s talking about how this is going to impact exports and imports in the face of the trade surpluses many countries hold over the US, including China.

Oh man.

It’s just so...eye opening yet depressing.

I just can’t believe there are people out there who believe that we’re not overstripping supply of natural resources with our gluttonous demands. When the Health Department people tell me “it’s hard to find wells (in the township we’re moving to)” I’m wondering why people don’t understand it’s the falling water tables. I’m wondering how many people think like my mom who say “look at all the blue places on the globe…there’s a lot of water” not understanding that’s salt water and totally not useable. And even if it were made useable, look where it is! How would it irrigate your garden, how would it come out of your tap? At what cost? I tell my mom this and she says “they can figure out how to do it”. My god. Who are “they”? This blind faith in the establishment is terrifying. Especially from my mother who is normally pretty self sufficient.

I’m glad my family is looking at alternatives, but there comes a point where these problems will even affect the most self sufficient of us. Lester Brown is right in that we need wide spread political and cultural changes in order to reverse this slippery slope.

It’s scary. I’m off to read more…

On a less fluffy note, I'm still wading through Plan B by Lester Brown. I'm finding it's rather like a large meal; I need to read a bit then stop and digest the magnitude of it before reading more. Normally I plow through books at breakneck speed but this one is different for sure.

I'm getting ready to go home for the evening so perhaps tomorrow I shall expound upon it further. There, my big word allotment is now spent.

Now for an altogether fluffy post...

I just hated watching Idol last night. The songs were just the worst! Don't get me wrong, I like a good musical as much as...the next person who likes musicals. But I just felt they all chose such boring songs. I wanted Bo to sing something from Hair or Jesus Christ Superstar. I wanted much of the same from Nadia, or even a selection from The Wiz. There are all these great, rockin' show tunes out there now and they pick all these moldy oldies?! I wasn't impressed. I hated that Bo said he just closed his eyes and picked. I'm assuming he's joking around, I mean who would make a big decision like that by chance. I mean, a big decision to him apparently or he wouldn't be in the competition.

I think I'm into this one because I really wasn't into the first three AI competitions. And there's not much that great on TV at that time.

Cheryl, out.

Of course, we still don't know anything today.

Silly me, I expect people in offices to work as quickly as I want them to.

And then there are hang ups with the permits and such. Things like my brother ended up tying up the entire property, both sides of the road, with his mortgage when he built his house. Oh the joys! It just keeps making me wonder if these aren't all signs of some sort. Scott thinks they're tests of our fortitude but I'm not so sure.

Scott is finally feeling better. He did go to work yesterday but was still pretty sore.

Week in Review:

I turned 33.

Scott turned 37.

One day this week saw temperatures in the 70's and right now it's snowing heavily.

Scott tore ligaments in his back when he reached back up the basement stairs to catch our as-yet-unfixed male cat who was trying to make for the furniture upon which to spray. Looking back, it would have been much better to let the damn cat spray everything. Scott has been pretty much immobilized and missed a day of work. Still not well today.

We found a MH that we really REALLY like that's in our price range and we've started moving cash around to get it. It's going to be a stretch, but I think this is finally the ONE. It's bigger and has a fireplace. We're also finally starting the whole permits procedure which it looks like is just going to be a royal pain in the arse. Oh well.

So that's how things stand this Saturday afternoon. I'm off home and likely will know more by Tuesday when I get back in here.

Wouldntchaknowit, my family had to get involved this weekend as well.

I fail to understand how, when we're trying to make decisions in our childrens best interests, we continually get judged as bad parents by mainstream society. No, we don't beat our children with a wooden spoon and even threaten them with it regularly as my brother does. No, we don't send our kids to school because we believe this is the best way, the appropriate way to learn. No, we don't want to be working all the time and never seeing our kids just to have more stuff.

I cannot see how these things make us bad parents. If I had jumped on my brother and told him he was abusing his kids with that spoon, or that his working all the time was buying them things but they were missing out on his kids lives, or that he was making an ill-informed choice by sending his kids to school and that they would be scarred for life, I would be looked on as the judgemental, meanspirited one. But as long as we're attacking alternative choices, then it's all okay you know. Our choices are only okay as long as other people are making the same choices, MORE people are making the same choices. No going against the grain!

Why is mainstream society so close minded? Why do they just blindly go about their lives without thinking that there are other ways of doing things? I know, I shouldn't say "they" or I'm being just as judgemental as those who judge us. But it does seem a large number of people in the world are blind to environmental issues, problems with the education system in this country, positive ways of raising children.

I'm very frustrated today.

My mother in law is driving me crazy again. Just today it was "did you two talk more about sending G to -insert name of local private school-? You know we'll pay for it". I figured it was safe to say "well no, he doesn't really want to. He still wants to homeschool" then the whole can of worms opened up.
Her: "YOU are the parent, he doesn't make the decisions"....
Me: "well, if it were up to just ME, we're going to continue homeschooling. I let HIM decide if he wants to try school"
Her: "well, he doesn't even know what school is like"
Me: "he has friends who are in school. He sees school displayed as this fun, wonderous place on some of the shows he watches and he STILL doesn't want to go."

and it went downhill from there. Scott was really good about pointing out our reasons for doing what we do. At first she starts out saying she's worried he doesn't have a lot of friends. But he has three pretty close friends, plus 4-5 other friends he plays with from time to time. For a kid who didn't really get involved in much this past fall and winter that's pretty good (he didn't want to re-up for Scouts and wasn't into anything the Y was offering so he does his bowling league and that's pretty much it lately). Then she says "everyone" she knows who homeschooled turned out "weird" or something. But this one person who apparently did it right was one who got her kids up at 8 and sat down and had "school" at the table, with lunch and recesses. Yikes! If I wanted to do that, I wouldn't really be homeschooling! So I guess she's worried about friends and that he's not learning right. UGH! I'm so tired of her judgements, I'm so tired of her thinking she knows the only right way to do things. The sad part is, I don't think she'd ever change her mind no matter what we did or said about homeschooling. She said she "feels sorry for him". Well, by all means don't hang around here chick, if you're just going to pity everyone!

If you're new to these parts you know my mil and I have never been kindred spirits (and who am I kidding, I'm talking to myself here lol). I told Scott I think everyone in our lives would breathe a collective sigh of relief if we both went out and got full time jobs tomorrow and put our kids in school. We might be miserable, but the rest of the world would be happy. You can't question the matrix you know. I find it amazing that people are so caught up in things having to be "just so" that they fail to look for anything beyond their field of perceptions. You HAVE to have your baby in the hospital, you HAVE to send your kids to school, you HAVE to work constantly to have things that don't make you happy in the end...have to, have to, have to. No one wants to ask the proverbial three year old question...."but WHY?".

Last night I watched a special on PBS about the music of the 60’s. Fabulous music, a fabulous era. As I was singing along to The Mamas and The Papas, Strawberry Alarm Clock et al I started to wonder where it all went wrong.

Society was pulsing with a desire to be more, do better back then. There was an alternative to the way the world was traveling, a road less traveled if you will. Wars could really be ended, peace and love could really win out. There were so many people involved in this mindset, it wasn’t just a few left of center types out there. Momentum was growing! Everything was possible!! And what happened? Nothing. Apparently the mid to late 70’s and the 80’s came along and all the hippies cut their hair and got jobs on Wall Street and forgot about the very things they were trying to do in the 60’s. Sure there are still a few left, mostly in SoCal or New Mexico, but there’s not this wide sweep of peace and love there used to be.

So I got to thinking. And then I started surfing. Surprisingly, there are quite a few websites and forums where this topic has been discussed. It was eye opening to say the least. I guess it’s easy for me to sit here and say “nothing happened” but in many small ways, big changes did take place. I think the main thing was that life happened. The “hippies” got older and had kids. Now, I will never say that having kids makes it impossible to live in an alternative way. Having a family just makes it a bit harder to do that, and a lot easier to buy into our overly consumeristic society that just wants us to be automatons. I think many hippies fell sway to this thinking; the thinking that you have to have a full time job with a fat 401(k) and send your kids to good schools so they can get into good colleges and there’s no other way. It’s easy to fall into that trap I’ll admit. Then there’s the issue of all the posers who took hold of the coattails of the hippie movement because it was fashionable or “cool”. These people really had no interest in changing the world, they just wanted the street cred that came along with being a hippie. You still see this today. Visit hippie sites and there are people on there who make you go hmmmm. On many sites, former hippies take issue with the term hippie itself; they say they were called “freaks” and not “hippies” and the term itself was media created. There’s even thinking that the alignment of the outer planets had something to do with the radical changes that took place in the late 60’s.

I guess overall I’m sad that this movement didn’t take more of a foothold. Just listening to that music and seeing the passion these people felt for their cause…it was awe inspiring. I’m sad that more young people today don’t see a way out, they don’t see that there are options other than birth-school-work-death. I’m sad that it looks like we’re moving in the opposite direction; we’re governed by a very conservative faction of an already conservative political party. The really frightening part is that there had to be some former hippies voting Republican last year, a fact I cannot reconcile in my brain of brains.

The really funny part I see is that there is still hippie bashing alive and well some 35 years after the fact. Those who buy into the status quo lock, stock and barrel seem to still need to tell us just how wrong this alternative mindset really is. No really! Mindlessly working your life away, buying all kinds of things to make you happy from cars to pharmaceuticals then realizing they don’t make you happy after all is the American way dontchaknow! I really liked a quote I found on one of the sites: too soon we grow old and too late we grow smart.

Okay, I was thinking last night that maybe I didn't word my last post correctly. I'm thinking it came out like I'm fat but I eat a healthy diet while all those other fat slobs are that way because they eat Big Macs and Doritos all day. That's not what I was trying to say.

It just seems that most people in this country, fat or no, eat a diet loaded with processed foods, fast foods, refined carbs, chemically flavored or enriched and full of who-really-knows-what. In general, overweight people probably DO tend to eat more of whatever kind of food they normally eat. So therefore, if they're already eating junky food and MORE of it than other people then I can see where we might end up with numbers that make it look like those people are dying earlier from the obesity when it just might be the food itself. I mean, look at the numbers...cancer is on the rise in *everyone*, heart disease is on the rise, cholesterol problems abound and not just in overweight people. These things are happening for a reason, and I can't believe the *only* reason is excess weight.

It's a given that everyone can benefit from a better diet. For me, that means more whole grains, from my bread to my pastas, trying to cut out trans fats completely (those partially hydrogenated buggers), eating organic whenever I can, eating vegetarian and more whole foods, preferably homemade. I'm not saying I eat like this all the time, and I would probably be much healthier if I did. I try to do this, along with upping my exercise. But at the same time, I know that these changes are not going to result in some great weight loss. So I'm just thinking society needs to understand that just because a person is overweight, they're not going to keel over and die tomorrow if they lead a healthy life in other ways.

That's what I was trying to say yesterday. And hey, check out my profile! I added a pic!

The story is again circulating the news outlets that our “obesity epidemic” in this country is cutting years off our lives; it may, they’re telling us, actually reverse the trend toward longer lifespans we’ve been seeing over the last decades.

While I don’t fully discredit the science behind this, I don’t believe it’s the fat in and of itself that’s causing the problem. I think it’s the crap in the food that most overweight people eat that’s the problem. I’m going to hazard to guess that many people with weight problems eat fast food and preservative laden chemically processed foods. Not all overweight people mind you, but many. I and other people I know who are overweight don’t eat these kinds of foods, at least not regularly. I want a study on overweight people who eat whole grain products, who are even vegetarian, who avoid processed, refined foods and fast foods. Even those who – gasp- exercise! Yes, you can be overweight and still eat a well balanced diet and get regular exercise. I’m not going to say my diet is perfect; I have a penchant for chocolate and baked goods. Even sticking with dark chocolate and baked goods I make myself with organic whole wheat flour, turbinado sugar and trans-fat free margarines, I eat more of these things than I “should” and that’s where my excess weight comes from. I like bread. Sure it’s usually organic 100% whole wheat, but too many carbs can and will result in excess weight.

I would love a study done on those of us who do eat pretty healthfully and who get exercise but who are overweight by society’s standards. I don’t really feel we’re negatively impacting our lifespan. I don’t even think we’re really increasing our risk of disease like diabetes and high blood pressure, cancer and heart disease. It seems that certain foods may be the culprit of these things rather than the size of our waistlines. How would we know? The only criteria these studies are based on is weight, not lifestyle and dietary intake. So we’re left to just assume that it’s the weight and not everything else we’re consuming on a daily basis. I think the problem is that, again, many overweight people tend to eat badly so therefore we see more of the health issues. I truly think that changing what we eat and what we do, whether it results in a lower number on the scale or not, is what’s important.

The news lately has saddened me. No big surprise there. Both locally and nationally it seems there are just some really bad people doing really bad things. I know, I know...I said I don't watch the news. And I guess that's surprising too; I've not actually sat down and watched a news show, I'm just getting these stories from here, yonder and there. The scrolling bar at the bottom of CNN when I pass it (it's almost hypnotic! Usually I do end up getting sucked in, especially for the entertainment portion) or when I'm trying to catch the local weather report I see and hear things that I don't want to see and or hear.

Someone just came in here who gave me a whiff of school cafeteria sloppy joe. You know that aroma don't you? Interesting...

Anyway. Just floating by lately, trying to figure out my Next Big Thing. I'ma major drama queen and I thrive on drama. I need to be doing something, planning something, stirring the pot and getting my panties wadded and all that jazz. Nuttin. Things have slowed down lately and I guess that's okay. I shouldn't need so much "stuff" going on to get my motor running. How many metaphorical references can I squeeze into this paragraph? We'll see. I need to start working on living in the moment again, enjoying the here and now. Because soon the here and now will be the there and yesterday.

There's my philosophical bent for today. Now give me more cowbell!

Forgot to add...

Haven't heard anything about the bid we put in on the house. Ah well. I think we need more planning time and a bit more time to add to our savings. It *will* happen, but maybe in a few months rather than next week.

My two year old has celebrity teeth. All white and pretty and perfect. Shining white crowns on the four in front, plus some sealants, a crown and a couple fillings in back.

The surgery went well and he's fine. He didn't like the "no nursies after midnight" rule and stayed up from 3 a.m. in protest. He was fine for the hour drive to the hospital - laughing and clapping and dancing in his seat. He didn't love the sleepy air, but went under quickly. The surgery only lasted a touch over an hour, less time than we thought it would. We were there as he woke up and he was quite perturbed to say the least. Lots of crying and he was mad at me for a bit (I was there when they used the evil gas! Bad mommy! I smite thee!). Since then he's not been in pain or upset; he's been his smiling, giggling self.

I'm so relieved it's over and done with! I've been stressing about it for the last month and feeling nervous every time he'd open his mouth and I'd see the cavities. I know the doctor told us he has a defect in his enamel, but part of me thinks that's just a cover and deep down he thinks we're horrible yuck-mouth parents who never brush Mace's teeth. I'll be honest in that Mace doesn't like his teeth brushed and it's a big ordeal. So yes, there have been some nights in there where we haven't brushed before bed. More than a few in fact. But I know people who don't brush teeth in babies under a year and no cavities. Yes, Mace's cavities started that young. Gage has never had a cavity problem. Maddie hasn't since she also had this type of surgery at 2 and a half.

Anyway, enough analyzing. It's over and it won't be happening again. Woohoo!

fuck you blogger!

just lost another post. And it was a big one! I promise! Oh well...

Everyone's healthy. I'm watching too much American Idol. I've decided I'm not going to live my life hating myself for something as stupid as my arse size. I'm a good person and I'm not going to squander life any more.

There's a new possible house we've bid on. That was the topic of my last post, plus all the downsizing we're going to have to do. And all the reasons I can find to NOT do it (those chairs are selling for $500 a piece on ebay! really!).

If I don't get back to post, think of us on Monday morning. Mason has his dental surgery. Nothing like your kid having to be put under general anesthesia for dental work to make you feel like the most shitastic mother.

Okay! I admit when I posted a bit ago I was in the throes of losing hope about our move along with a healthy dose of PMS. I'm now over that!

Been doing some surfing and my excitement is re-igniting. Reading over at SolarHaven has got me riled up again. Just seeing that other people have done it makes me see that it's a very real possibility. I laughed when reading about their problems with neighbors because we'll likely run into the same ones. We'll have older farmers all around us out there, with the exception of my brother and his family across the way. While they probably won't see it this way, I do actually agree with them about keeping land for farming and cutting way back on development. Our moving a mobile home onto the property isn't evidence to that belief, but I'm on their side just the same. My mom owns over 250 acres out there, most of which is rented out to one of the farmers now. We won't actually be using up any farm land at this point, the mobile home will go on the lot where the old farmhouse used to stand. In all honesty, I would like to have a bit of the surrounding area at a later time to get my garden going and such. I guess while I agree that urban sprawl and over development are really bad, I don't think over-farming is all that great either. Especially the traditional, pesticide and herbicide laden farming that's done in these parts. We grow way too many crops in this country as it is, much of which is just destroyed or let rot. Then all the farming subsidies kick in. I'll be honest in that I know just enough about the subsidies to be dangerous. The small farmers are still getting screwed even with subsidies and such. So for them, I can see where assistance is helpful in keeping them in business. The mega farms are the problems...they grow too much which makes the small farmers suffer, they get the best benefits of the subsidies, they're a powerful lobbying force. I don't know what the solution is. I think paring down and buying locally grown and only growing what you need in your area would help a lot. I think organic farming is a largely untapped market in Ohio. I think the farmers reliance on big business like ADM or *shudder* Monsanto is dangerous. I think society wide changes are in order. We can't tell the small farmers "just get a different job" because there aren't any of those out there either. We have to change how we look at growers and how we buy the food they grow.

Tangent city, I know.

Anyway...I hope the local farmers out there don't see us as just so much "trailer trash" taking up their land. I hope they see that we're trying to live more sustainably and closer to the land. My hopes aren't high though.

We're pretty sure we're moving onto that section with the existing septic system. Have to have the Health Dept check it all out though, then have one of the local contractors over to see if it needs repairs or whatnot. That will save us over $4,000 right there. Well, depending on the extent of the repairs I suppose. Scary! Rainwater catchment is looking very viable (it's also $4000 just to hook up to the water company out there). It's starting to make sense to me I should say. I'm not the most mechanically inclined person in the world. It seems with the right equipment and filtering system it can be entirely potable water. I don't know why I feel so shocked at that - I'm sure what comes out of our taps would scare the bejeezus out of me if I saw the whole process that it goes through and what it starts out as. And well water definitely isn't better. It's just easy to sit back and not think about where your water comes from, though, similar to how it's easier to buy those pink packages of meat at the grocery store without thinking about where they came from.

Anyway...suffice it to say I'm getting excited about this change again. No mortgage and little to no utility payments, that's exciting enough!

Well, that fell through. They likely would have accepted my second offer but then I discovered that I would also be responsible for back taxes and lot rent and that was...a lot. So I told him if they wanted to accept the first offer while I still paid the back fees, I would be open to that. Heck, HE didn't even know how much the back fees were. But no call back so I guess that's done with.

So anyway, we have a few more to look at possibly today unless this crazy snow keeps up. What's that old saying about in like a lion? Let's hope it holds true! These we're looking at now are privately owned, so likely no back fees, etc.. and we can just pay the cash price and be done with all the red tape.

I was a bit disappointed because it was bigger, and it was more attractive on the outside, but everything happens for a reason. Of course Scott thinks that maybe the dead skunk near our lot is maybe a premonition too haha.

Yesterday I looked out at our yard and thought that maybe we should just stay put. But that would mean us scrimping and living paycheck to paycheck and that's just not working. Gage even said the other day he wished we could have a day where someone wasn't going to work. Pretty much every day of the week one of us is gone. It's nice we dont' have to use daycare but it's hard on the family unit when we're always running from one job to the next. Right now, Scott's working two jobs and I've got this one and it makes for a crazy schedule.

So...I'm thinking we'll find a decent option here soon and get moving on it. If the snow lets up.

-In the U.S., 4.39 pounds of trash per day and up to 56 tons of trash per year are created by the average person.
-Only about one-tenth of all solid garbage in the United States gets recycled.
-Every year we fill enough garbage trucks to form a line that would stretch from the earth, halfway to the moon.
-Each day the United States throws away enough trash to fill 63,000 garbage trucks.
-Almost 1/3 of the waste generated the U.S. is packaging.
-Diapers: An average child will use between 8,000 -10,000 disposable diapers ($2,000 worth) before being potty trained. Each year, parents and babysitters dispose of about 18 billion of these items. In the United States alone these single-use items consume nearly 100,000 tons of plastic and 800,000 tons of tree pulp. We will pay an average of $350 million annually to deal with their disposal and, to top it off, these diapers will still be in the landfill 300 years from now. -Americans throw away 570 diapers per second. That's 49 million diapers per day.
-Americans throw away 2.5 million plastic bottles every hour.
-Every year, Americans make enough plastic film to shrink-wrap the state of Texas.
-The amount of glass bottles Americans throw away every two weeks would have filled both World Trade Center towers.
-Americans throw away enough aluminum cans to rebuild our commercial air fleet every three months, and enough iron and steel to supply all our nation's automakers every day.
-Throwing away one aluminum can wastes as much energy as if that can were 1/2 full of gasoline.
-In the U.S., an additional 5 million tons of waste is generated during the holidays. Four million tons of this is wrapping paper and shopping bags.
-Americans receive almost 4 million tons of junk mail every year. Most of it winds up in landfills.
-The average American uses 650 pounds of paper a year.
-Each year, Americans trash enough office paper to build a 12-foot wall from Los Angeles to New York City.
-Americans toss out enough paper & plastic cups, forks and spoons every year to circle the equator 300 times.
-The average American office worker goes through around 500 disposable cups every year.
-Nearly 44 million American workers purchase or eat lunch out every weekday.
-Americans make nearly 400 billion photocopies a year - about 750,000 copies every minute of every day.
-U.S. fax machines sent 30 billion faxes in 1990.
-U.S. businesses now use about 21 million tons of paper every year. That's about 175 pounds of paper for each American.
-Enough hazardous waste is generated in one year to fill the New Orleans Superdome 1,500 times over.
-New York City alone throws out enough garbage each day to fill the Empire State Building.
-In one day, Americans get rid of 20,000 cars and 4,000 trucks and buses.
-As of 1992, 14 billion pounds of trash were dumped into ocean annually around the world.
-Forty-three thousand tons of food is thrown out in the United States each day.
-Americans throw out about 270 million tires every year.
-Sixty-five billion aluminum soda cans are used each year.

Landfills
-Only two manmade structures on Earth are large enough to be seen from outer space: the Great Wall of China and the Fresh Kills landfill!
-Barges (which run 24 hours a day) deliver over 14,000 tons of New York City trash to Fresh Kills every day. (Notes: The Fresh Kills Landfills is closing soon and is only being kept open to receive debris from the 2001 attack on the World Trade Center Towers).
-In 1979, there were an estimated 18,500 landfills in the nation. In 1990 there were only about 6,300, and by 1995 it was estimated that only about 3,000 would still be open. In just 16 years the number of landfills dropped by 84%. During that same time there was an 80% increase in the amount of trash generated.
-Seventy percent of U.S. municipal solid waste gets buried in landfills.
-U.S. landfills are closing at the rate of 1 per day.

Waste and Natural Resource Use
-Every year, nearly 900,000,000 trees are cut down to provide raw materials for American paper and pulp mills.
-Each American exerts three times as much pressure on the natural environment as the global average.
-The average American, in one lifetime, uses: 18 tons of paper, 23 tons of wood, 16 tons of metal, and 32 tons of organic chemicals.
-America is home to 5% of the world's population, yet it consumes 1/3 of the Earth's timber and paper; making paper the largest part of the waste stream at 37.5% of the total waste stream.
-Every 4 quarts of oil discarded during an average oil change can contaminate 1 million gallons of water.
-People who change their own oil improperly dump the equivalent of 16 Exxon Valdez spills into the nation's sewers and landfills every year.

Recycling Works!
-1,500 aluminum cans are recycled every second in the U.S.
-Recycling an aluminum soda can saves 96% of the energy used to make a can from ore, and produces 95% less air pollution and 97% less water pollution.
-It takes the energy equivalent of half a soda can of gasoline to produce one soda can from bauxite ore.
-In 1986, 48.7% of all aluminum cans were being recycled. In 1990, that percentage increased to 63.6% and, in 1996, 63.5% were being recycled.
-The amount of paper recycled annually by the average American in 1995 was 301.8 lbs., increasing in 1996 to 329 lbs.
-Recycling one ton of cardboard saves over 9 cubic yards of landfill space.
-One ton of paper from recycled pulp saves 17 trees, 3 cubic yards of landfill space, 7,000 gallons of water, 4,200 kilowatt hours (enough to heat your home for half year), 390 gallons of oil, and prevents 60 pounds of air pollutants.
-Producing recycled white paper creates 74% less air pollutants, 35% less water pollutants, and 75% less process energy than producing paper from virgin fibers.
-Sixty percent of the world's lead supply comes from recycled batteries.
-It takes 90% less energy to recycle an aluminum can than to make a new one.

Seriously, still very excited!!

I'm now looking into rain catchment systems and tanks and reading lots of books and looking forward to this change.

I can't believe we're finally going to start walking the walk as far as off-gridding and living more sustainably. Sure, we'll likely go ahead and hook up to the electric grid for now, and use the existing septic system until we can afford to go solar and until we learn more about greywater systems. I just checked out Art Ludwigs "Create An Oasis" which is supposedly the manifesto on greywater solutions. Looking forward to sitting down with that later on! Wading through the article archives at Mother to figure out just how this rain water catchment system is going to work - we definitely don't want a well (I mean, have you READ "Plan B: Rescuing a Planet Under Stress and a Civilization in Trouble"?).

Our *only* hesitation at this point is the kids. While they're excited about having more mom and dad time and being able to start doing more they're justifiably not that happy about leaving a neighborhood of friends. We *will* make playdates and make sure they get time with their friends, but obviously that's a concern when moving out to the country where the only playmated they'll have nearby are their cousins (a good thing to be sure, but still limited).

So much to do, so much to learn!!

We made the offer this morning. The waiting game begins. I know I was nervous about these changes previously, but all I feel is excitement now! I’m hoping they accept this first offer, but I still have a bit of room to negotiate.

We found out that while we need a Health Department inspection, we don’t need the septic system actually installed yet since we won’t be living there for a while. We’re going to drywall and put in wood floors first. I know that might sound like a lot for a mobile home, but we want it to have a certain feel (read: no synthetic wall-to-wall carpeting and panel walls). Scott, and myself to a lesser extent, will be doing the work.

I did ask the Health Dept about composting toilets and alternative greywater systems. He seemed at least knowledgeable about all of it, and even open to the right arrangements. I was very pleasantly surprised about that. We’re not ready to present a plan at this point, but good to know for future reference.

Adding, it's the end of the day and no call back. Frustrating! I hate waiting and now I'll have to wait until at least Monday. ARGH!

Things are moving much more quickly than expected on the "downsizing and moving to the country" front. I'm learning about building permits and septic systems and zoning, OH MY! We found the house we want - and yes, I'm calling it a house! We're actually going to buy a newer model mobile home and move it to our lot, do some renovating and making nice (as much as you really can to a mobile home anyway) then move out there. Of course in this mess is moving fees and getting a permit (which means we need to use the existing septic system which is nowhere near where we wanted to ideally put the mobile home...the other option is paying over four grand for a new septic system in the other location. Not gonna happen. And our local health department likely isn't going to approve a green system like a composting toilet, etc). Then there's the making an offer on the one we want and hoping we get ok'd - we're going to pay cash but can only afford a bit less than they want so hopefully they're willing to bargoon. ACK! I thought this was going to be easier.

Of course, in all this mess is selling our current house. We haven't even gotten it on the market yet! Our "master plan" is that we'll put the mobile home out there, work on it while we're still living here and get it ready then move out there. We didn't plan on doing it *this* soon, but a home we like came on the market. Three bedroom, two bath (more than we have now!) with a big garden tub in the master. It's hard to get past that "mobile home" feeling, but just knowing that we'll be much more financially secure and be able to do more and travel more...that makes it worthwhile. After a while, after we've done some researching and such, we do plan on trying to build a strawbale house or something similar but that's down the road.

I'm excited yet freaked by all this red tape I'm running into before we've even gotten started!