I've got to vent about this somewhere else...I keep going on about it in different places and I'm sure I'm getting tiresome.

Just over a week ago, I decided to listen to that little voice that was telling me to watch my blood sugar. I figured it had to mean something; I've never even thought about it much in the past. I do have a family history of diabetes, I have big babies, I'm overweight. I've known for a while that I'm at increased risk, pregnant or not. But I hadn't given it all that much thought until it kept popping into my mind over the last few months.

So I bought a glucometer and thought I'd test it out and see what happens. Well, my fasting blood glucose numbers are not normal. They're not 200 or anything, but have been hovering around 120 when the ideal is well under 100. I've cut out all sugar, all refined flours, upped my protein, upped my exercise, started taking more B6, magnesium and zinc because they're reputed to help bring blood sugars down. All for naught at this point. Sure my post meal numbers are great, but I'm hearing that the fasting number is THE number for most health care providers. And I can't seem to do more than a few point reduction even with all these changes.

From the mad amount of reading I've done, it looks as though over 105 is where most docs want you on insulin. I'm scared of that obviously. I cannot imagine giving myself shots. I had to give my mom subQ shots during her chemo and it was nervewracking and I hated every nanosecond of it.

And so, in the vein of If You Give a Pig a Pancake, here's what I'm also worried about. If they put me on insulin, then my homebirth midwives will, in all liklihood, risk me out of a homebirth. Then I'll have to have a hospital birth. Likely my CNM will have to transfer me to the OB's in the office. Then they'll want to induce at 39 weeks at the latest. And if I'm induced, I can't imagine going it without pain meds. And that's not wuss talk there, if you've never felt an induced contraction you know what I mean. They are a different beast entirely than a regular contraction. And then this poor child will endure hourly heel pricks for the first 12 hours of life to check blood sugar.

I know all these things could possibly be medically necessary. I know that if there is risk, it's best to have the baby where those risks can be managed. I know. But it doesn't take away my sadness and grieving if I get a birth so totally different than what I've imagined. I thought I'd get an experience like Mace's...but this is looking to be not possible. And most people I know don't get that. They say "well, a healthy baby is most important" and I DO agree with that. But it doesn't stop me from being sad about the experience I wanted being taken from me.

I know, I know...wait until you talk to all the midwives before worrying. But I know what these numbers mean. I know that almost NO midwives are comfortable taking on an insulin dependent mom for homebirth. In a bit over 3 weeks, I have visits with both my homebirth midwives and my CNM backup. I'm worried.