God, I need to get this out. I need to get over it is what I need. But I just can't. I feel a sadness so deep I can't even begin to explain it. I think about not having another baby (yeah, yeah, THAT again) and I feel a physical emptiness in my chest. Man, I can't do this. I seriously wonder if there are women who have to go through therapy to get over this desire.

I hate to go on and on about this, and it's not something that rules every moment but it seems to bubble to the surface every now and again. Okay, every day or two lol. And it happens when I'm least expecting it. I won't even be thinking about it then all of a sudden I'm feeling so sad that I won't have another baby. And it's not just the baby, it's another "person" in the family. This time it feel differently than it did "wanting" number 3 and number 4. I don't feel like someone is missing, I just feel like someone "has to be here" or needs to be here. Like it's something we just have to do, we don't have a choice. Then I remember we kinda do have a choice and the choice is that we're done. Made by my husband, but he has a right to that decision. It just feels like a knife in the heart every time I realize it's decided, it's over. I keep having moments where it seems like a possibility and I cannot explain the peace that comes over me, just a feeling of "rightness" that disappears when I start realizing, no, it's not really a possibility.

And I know I'm not this super mom. I get mad, I have bad days, I struggle with depression. Mild depression, but still, it sucks. I know we don't have lots of room, I know we don't have lots of money...but I just cannot shake this. And would I always feel this way? That's the question. I don't know. I can't always feel this way, I don't want to always feel this way.

I suppose I need to immerse myself in the kids I do have and just not look back. It's just sucky right now to have this sadness weighing on my heart.