I swear, I think I’m bipolar on this one issue lol. Of course I had to catch a repeat of one of those Duggar family specials. If you haven’t seen them, this family has 17 kids and they do shows on TLC about how they live, etc… As a by the by, if you do catch these types of shows, look for the Heppners. They have 12 kids iirc and I just love them. The Duggars are a source of discourse and discord on many parenting boards and some people love them, and others think they’re a bit wacko. If you know me at all, you know I wouldn’t live like they do lol but anyway… I watched the show and of course, now I want another baby. I figure, if they can have 17 and they’re not killing each other, why can’t I have 5?! Ugh
I was feeling FINE with being done; pretty sure I was finally moving past the old baby love. But no. Here we go again. Am I ever going to just get freaking OVER this?!?

I don’t know. I really don’t think Scott wants more, even though he tells me “you never know” when I go to get rid of Lily’s baby clothes. The man is making me crazy. I told him he’s really sending me mixed signals. I think he’s just feeling maybe a twinge of want, but is really done on a deeper level. It’s mainly a time issue I think. He feels, and he’s right on some levels, that we don’t get enough time to spend with the other kids as it is and that we’re not spending as much quality time as he’d like. Of course, he’s working a lot lately and that won’t always be the case and his idea of the right amount of “quality time” is way more than most dads. He’s a great dad and is always trying to do more with and for the kids. So in his mind, there’s not enough time. Whereas most people looking in from the outside would say SURE there’s enough time and he’s doing all the right things. If that makes sense…

I’ve said before the part that makes me saddest about having another baby is that both our families would think we shouldn’t. It makes me sad because I wonder if they just think we’re awful parents or something. I know most of this comes from their discomfort at our parenting styles and our homeschooling. They’re all of the traditional set; spanking and public school are good things to them. So I’m not sure it’s that they think we’re “bad” parents as much as they think we’re just doing things wrong. I actually hope that’s the case, I hope they realize we’re doing all we do out of love for our kids. And to be perfectly honest, most people moving on to have more than 3 kids are getting this same flak from their families. So it’s not just us. But still, the fact that a new baby would not be greeted with welcome saddens me.

And financially, we struggle. It’s gradually getting better, but it’s not perfect. Is anyone’s financial situation perfect though? I mean, even those people in my family who seem to have the “good jobs” have gone through layoffs and company takeovers and periods of unemployment. You can’t rely on most jobs anymore and this is why we’re choosing to lower our bills so that we need less money (i.e. we could get by on much less than most of the families I know just because our monthly outflow is pretty low comparatively. We could get by on a fast food job actually lol). Our main obstacle is that, egad, we want to be home with our kids! But having one of us home and the other gone less than 40 hours a week is more important than any number on a bank statement.

Anyway. I guess I’m trying to rationalize having a fifth child lol. What I’m really trying to do is get more organized within the house and see if things running more smoothly makes Scott more apt to forget the birth control lolol