Whew! It's been a few weeks!

So we are officially MOVED IN! I can hardly believe we've actually done it. Still a few loose ends to tie up here and there, but for the most part we're settling in. A few bumps in the road in the form of my emotional ties to the old house and my concerns about moving the kids to the country, but things are looking up more and more all the time. We've been running the kids to playdates and activities to keep them in contact with their friends. Hoping to instill an interest in scouts or 4H so they can meet some kids out here too...

And last month I was sure I was so over that damned baby lust. I didn't even feel the urge for a baby at ovulation time and usually that's when my eggs are yearning for fertilization. I thought maybe that was it! I was finally going to understand those women who could so confidently say "I'm done!"...no such luck though. Here I am, mid cycle again and I'm rationalizing away, finding reasons why it would be fabulous to have another baby. Never mind I'm basically barely keeping my head above water as it is, fighting anxiety and depression...never mind my husband is really DONE (but I keep thinking, if he were, he would be more adamant about getting a vasectomy lol)...never mind all that, it's just all baby, all the time. Well, not all the time. But a lot of the time, particularly around ovulation.

I may have waxed on about this before, but I do feel a certain pull because of Lily's Downs. Mainly because I hear so many Ds moms say it's great for the child to have a younger sibling to help push them along, and even to give them a developmentally similar playmate for a while...and also because I'm thinking at some point, she may have to rely on her siblings for help in her daily life and four is better than three, right? And to some extent, I have a desire to try for that child I thought I was having...dumb I know. There are NOOOO guarantees lady!

I find I still do that numbers thing. I'll think "I can't have six kids!" oh wait, I would only have five (like that fifth one is a foregone conclusion)...or I'll look around, counting heads and be sure for a few seconds that we've forgotten someone. But this time, I'm not seeing that as a "sign" but more as evidence that I've accepted five kids. The same way when that happened when I wanted four. But back then, I was thinking "signs" lol So I don't think that means I should have five, it's just weird.

I keep looking back over my life to see if I knew somehow that I'd have a child with Ds. I don't think I did. I used to love that show Life Goes On, but I never felt this precognitive intuition that I'd have a child with Ds. I didn't have clues when I was pregnant at all. Oddly though, the other day I was cleaning up my music files folder and there was a song I'd chosen for Lily's birth...Natalie Merchant's Wonder. If you recall the video, there were girls with Ds on it. And the song has been adopted by many Ds support groups/activities as a sort of theme. I've always liked the song, but I guess maybe...I don't know. Maybe just sheer coincidence.

Anyway...my point is...hell, who am I kidding, I never have a point lol. I'm feeling very good about things lately, the past few days anyway lol, and that includes this whole Ds thing. I was pretty bitter and sad about it for a long time but...you just have to know Lily I guess. There's something about her, and I can honestly say I finally do understand those people I dismissed long ago who said they'd not change anything about their kids, even the Ds. And in feeling good, I strap on my rose colored glasses and start wanting another kid. It's all tied together in my mind, the Ds and another baby. I'm afraid I just want another kid so I'm using the Ds to explain away my longings, and even after another I'll still want more. I don't want to have another baby just "because I want to" if that makes sense. I was just sure I would be done with four, totally sure, more sure than I was with any of the others. Then after the Ds diagnosis, these desires started again and are becoming more and more pronounced.

But..for now..things are looking pretty good. Kids are good, we're finally moving in the direction we want to, finances should free up soon...things are well!