It’s hard to explain my awakening desire to have a fifth baby. I had three, then I had Lily. I was sure I’d be content with four kids; it felt right on a soul level. The Downs threw me for a loop though. So now here I am, wanting to do it again. Not that I’m guaranteed 100% health. It’s just…hard to explain.

This is what it’s like…

You plan a trip to the Cheesecake Factory for your birthday. You start thinking of that chocolate cheesecake you want to have. The mere thought of it makes your mouth water. You know it’s just what you want. The weeks leading up to your birthday the thoughts of this particular cheesecake increase. You cannot wait to sink your teeth in.
When you finally arrive, you learn they’re fresh out of chocolate cheesecake. You have raspberry cheesecake instead. It’s really wonderful and you enjoy it. It’s rich and creamy and just the most perfect raspberry cheesecake ever.
But…in the back of your mind, you still want that chocolate cheesecake. Maybe not right away, but you know you must eventually experience it.

It’s sorta like that. And yes, everything equals food to me. As evidenced by my backside.

So I’ve had the “chocolate cheesecake” three times already, isn’t that enough? I dunno.

If you’ve ever read that Welcome to Holland essay, it’s like that but you still want to eventually go to Italy. The detour in Holland is beautiful and enlightening. But you planned that trip to Italy and you still want to experience it. Even if you have been there three times before. Each trip is unique and wonderful.

But I think, I’m pretty sure, just about positive…that I’ll stay in Ohio and not visit the cheesecake factory anytime soon.