My mother in law apparently thinks I've let myself go. She hints about hair cuts and nail polishes and make up. She doesn't "get" me.

Sure I used to wear make up more regularly, but I've never been a glam gal. I'm not into that. And certainly not during the last few years in which I've become more enamoured of natural things. I don't want to put chemicals all over me, and I strive to look and feel more natural.

But this has got me thinking. Where and when did women get the idea that they had to put colors on their cheeks, eyelids and fingertips? How did this start? Cosmetics were used as early as the Roman empire, when women would wear face paints to attract attention (a.k.a. men) and we know the Egyptians used makeup. Lighter makeup was used to show that a person didn't have to toil in the fields (and were therefore not subjected to the sun), and early prostitutes used bright makeup to contrast with the higher class women who had paler skin. Reasons for using makeup have been myriad.

It was as recently as the 1920's that makeup became accepted in the U.S. When woman achieved higher social status, makeup came along for the ride. Women were "told", through the mass media of course, that cosmetics were vital to their attractiveness and even their worth. And women bought it, hook, line and sinker. Same thing happened concerning shaving legs and underarms. Magazines and radio (and later TV) commercials told women they weren't feminine unless they did these things.

So we were all manipulated by marketing to use cosmetics and shave our pits. The damage is done; those things are mainstream now. Like I said, I used to buy into all that completely. Now? Now I use a little foundation to even out my skin tone, a touch of eyeliner and lipstick and I'm done. I no longer feel a real need to use more, to dye my hair, to be anal about body hair. I don't feel like I need makeup to run out to the store or to go for a walk. And it irks me that people think it's "letting myself go". I'm clean, my hair is combed and usually styled...but I may have a few days growth on my legs. Why am I all of a sudden unfeminine because of that?

Well, I'm not. Not unfeminine that is. I'm still a woman, my value is not in what I put on my face or what I don't shave off my legs. I'm not going to be a marketing whore, I'm going to do my own thing. I'll leave you with my current fave quote by India Arie:

"Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I comb my hair and sometimes I won’t. Depend of how the wind blows I might even paint my toes. It really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul.."

Okay, need to work on watching my language. I knew I did. I have a really bad sailor tongue. But when I hear my 4 year old chasing our escaped kitten yelling "come back here you little son of a bitch" I know something's gotta give.

oh...man. Can you say embarrassing??

So I wake only to find out I bounced a check. Woofreakinhoo. Let's see...house not selling, old furnace about ready to give out, husbands hours might be cut back next month, a bounced check and a yeast infection.

Stop wishing you were me!

It’s rainy out and I’m bored. I usually love rainy days and have many a fantasy about moving to Washington state where it rains more days than not. But for some reason, today it makes me feel...uneasy, antsy, unsure.
I found out today an online friend is expecting her fourth baby. I actually had pangs of jealousy! What a lousy friend I am. She had her third just weeks after I had my third. I’m mentally smacking myself, why in the world am I jealous? She has an 8 month old and is pregnant. I wouldn’t want to be pregnant now if you paid me. But jealous I am. Happy for her, excited for her, supportive of her, but jealous just the same. I know we’re done. Me? I could keep popping them out indefinitely if I weren’t worried about things like money, overpopulation, an already worrisome lack of time. S is sure he’s done, no wistful looks at newborns, no what if’s in his mind.
In my mind I’m this with it mom, I have things under control. I’m all powerful, all knowing. The reality is I’m pretty sucky at this. I don’t seem to manage my time well, I feel overwhelmed frequently. I’ve just recently been able to take all three to the store at once without having an almost-panic attack. My house isn’t all clean and tidy. Most days I run around like a chicken with it’s head cut off (another mom-ism). So I know adding another kid to this mix, at any point, isn’t going to be do-able.
But still...but still. I don’t think I’ll ever get past the “what if’s”. I sometimes wish we could just be one of those couples who says they’ll have all the universe will give them...but we can’t be. So I just have to harbor my petty jealousy when other’s announce their pregnancies, and try not to feel so guilty about it.

On a related topic, I’ve been thinking a lot about becoming a surrogate mother in the years to come. I love being pregnant and birthing, and since we’re done (see above) I thought this would be a great way to experience it all again. I’ve been conversing with some surrogates and reading a lot to see if it’s something I could do. I was all worried about the post partum stages, and how I would feel after the fact. Right around the time I was mulling this over, by kismet perhaps, a study was released showing that almost all surrogate mothers don’t feel remorse or sadness after their journey is complete. It was on CNN and everything. I thought it odd that it came about right at the time I was wondering if this would be an issue for me. That plus a few other odd coincidences having to do with surrogacy have happened, leading me to think this might be something I want to thing seriously about. I have time though, because I can’t be nursing when I start the surrogacy process. Since the amazing boob boy doesn’t show any signs of weaning anytime soon, I can mull this over and see what comes of it.
I know a lot of people ask “but how could you give up your baby?”. First of all, it wouldn’t be “my baby”, it would be genetically related to me at all. It’s the embryo of the mother and father. You can be a traditional surrogate, where you do use your own eggs, but that’s not what I would be interested in doing. I would be a gestational carrier, I would be renting out my uterus as it were. I would get to have the pregnancy and birth experience, but would get to come home afterward and actually rest, no newborn to take care of! Another upside is that many surrogates will end up having twins due to the IVF procedure, and I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have multiples. My mom had two sets of twins so all us daughters (there are seven of us total) have wondered if we would have twins. None of us have (and we’re all pretty much done having kids).
Anyway...enough of my Monday afternoon ramblings. What’s for dinner, what’s for dinner....

You know a few posts back when I said I was back on the weight loss bandwagon and was going to lose another 20 lbs? Well, I totally lied. I fell off the wagon shortly after that post. I think I might have got up out of this chair and walked directly into a wall of chocolate. Oh well.

So I'm really trying to get motivated again. How did I do that first 40 lbs? How? Because I don't remember and I can't get back there. I really do need to lose another 20, just to feel better and be more comfortable in my skin. But I seem at a total loss as far as how to get there. I was doing Weight Watchers when I lost the weight, and it seemed easy at the time, but I just can't get back into it for whatever reason. I suck!

I have been walking about a mile a day, which is making me feel better. But the Dove promises I eat after the walk certainly don't help matters.

I’m feeling very happy today. I’ve got that pie feeling. Oh, wait, I’ve never tried to explain that “pie feeling” here have I? Well, let’s see...I never do a good job explaining just what this feeling is...so let me think a minute...

Picture a crisp fall day. Not too cold, just cool enough for a nice oversized cable knit fisherman’s sweater. The leaves are multicolored and fall to the sidewalk; they rustle when you walk through them. You live in an old Victorian house along a tree lined street. The house is warm and cozy. It smells like apple PIE when you walk in. That’s one type of pie feeling. It’s the same one I feel when watching The Cosby Show; don’t ask me, it’s just there. My pie feeling has to do with feeling content, happy...just feeling like I’m “home” in my life. And that’s how I’m feeling today.

I have reasons that I could be unhappy for today, who doesn’t. But I’m feeling that the reasons to be happy far outweigh any others. Life is mmm, mmm good! I guess, though, that all my happy feelings are tentative, I’m waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. I think something has to happen to jerk me out of my happy reverie. I’ve always felt this way. But for some reason lately I feel I’m becoming more at ease with the future. I don’t have to know what’s going to happen tomorrow. I can’t know, so why worry about it. Maybe that’s the key to not having all these up and down emotion, just enjoy whatever ride I’m on at the moment. Don’t worry about the next one. Wait, wait just a gosh darned minute...is this living in the moment again? Yes, yes it is. Common theme with me, no?

Appt. of Dr Hager

President Bush has announced his plan to select Dr. W. David Hager to head up the Food and Drug Administration's (FDA) Reproductive Health Drugs Advisory Committee. The committee has not met for more than two years, during which time its charter has lapsed. As a result, the Bush Administration is tasked with filling all eleven positions with new
members. This position does not require Congressional approval. The FDA's Reproductive Health Drugs Advisory Committee makes crucial decisions on matters relating to drugs used in the practice of obstetrics, gynecology and related specialties, including hormone
therapy, contraception, treatment for infertility, and medical alternatives to surgical procedures for sterilization and pregnancy termination. Dr. Hager's views of reproductive health care are far outside the mainstream of setback for reproductive technology.

Dr. Hager is a practicing OB/GYN who describes himself as "pro-life" and refuses to prescribe contraceptives to unmarried women. Hager is the author of "As Jesus Cared for Women: Restoring Women Then and Now." The book blends biblical accounts of Christ healing women with case studies from Hager's practice. In the book Dr. Hager wrote with his wife, entitled "Stress and the Woman's Body," he suggests that women who suffer from premenstrual syndrome should seek help from reading the bible and praying. As an editor and contributing author of "The Reproduction Revolution: A Christian Appraisal of Sexuality Reproductive Technologies and the Family," Dr. Hager appears to have endorsed the medically inaccurate assertion that the common birth control pill is an abortifacient. Hagar's mission is religiously motivated. He has an ardent interest in revoking approval for
mifepristone (formerly known as RU-486) as a safe and early form of medical abortion. Hagar recently assisted the Christian Medical Association in a "citizen's petition" which calls upon the FDA to revoke its approval of mifepristone in the name of women's health. Hager's desire to overturn mifepristone's approval on religious grounds rather than scientific merit would halt the development of mifepristone as a treatment for numerous medical conditions disproportionately affecting women, including breast cancer, uterine cancer, uterine fibroid tumors, psychotic depression, bipolar depression and Cushing's
syndrome.

Women rely on the FDA to ensure their access to safe and effective drugs for reproductive health care including products that prevent pregnancy. For some women, such as those with certain types of diabetes and those undergoing treatment for cancer pregnancy can be a life-threatening condition. We are concerned that Dr. Hager's strong religious beliefs may color his assessment of technologies that are necessary to protect women's lives or to preserve and promote women's health. Hager's track record of using religious beliefs to guide his medical decision-making makes him a dangerous and inappropriate candidate to serve as chair of this committee. Critical drug public policy and research must not be held hostage by antiabortion politics. Members of this important panel should be appointed on the basis of science and medicine, rather than politics and religion. American women
deserve no less.


WHAT CAN YOU DO?



1. Send this to every woman who is concerned about women's rights.

2. Oppose the placement of this man by contacting the white house and tell them he is totally unacceptable on any level.


Please email President Bush at president@whitehouse.gov and say "I oppose the appointment of Dr. Hager to the FDA Reproductive Health Drugs Advisory Committee.
Mixing religion and medicine is unacceptable. Using the FDA to promote a political agenda is inappropriate and seriously threatens women's health."

I really wanna go to the beach today!! But with only the one vehicle and S at work, it's a no go. sigh...

So here we are at home. Maddie's reading a tractor catalog (my kids are weird, that's all I'm sayin'), Gage is upstairs playing games with his new bestest bud from a few doors down and Mace is wreaking havoc in here behind me. So things are going well right now...but I wanna go to the beach! Waaahhh! (and yes, this is a beach in Ohio so therefore not a real beach by any stretch of the imagination, but it's a big lake and there's sand so it counts as a beach in my book lol!)

Forgot how much I liked Firewoman by The Cult...

Anyway, I'm pondering this whole downloading music brouhaha. Let me start by saying I am a pretty ethical person. Karma and all that. But I can't stop myself from downloading music. I do get people saying it's theft and everything, but I don't find myself conflicted about doing it. I have no problem doing it. Just downloaded some Bad Religion and Coldplay a few minutes ago (okay, and can someone hold and intervention for me and my Coldplay obsession?). Why is this? Why do I see the theft/downloading connection yet I don't feel guilty in doing it? I dunno.

I will say that I would not have bought any of these albums. I'm too po'. So I'm not taking money out of their pockets, I'm just becoming a fan that I might not have otherwise had I just heard a few songs on MTV or something. I've developed a love of John Cale music, Rufus Wainwright, discovered Alphaville and deepened my love of the Crash Test Dummies. But I never would have bought or even known of the existence of some of this music. So I don't see the harm. I'm rationalizing, I know. Oh well, they can come for me if they want. As my mother says, they can't get blood out of a turnip.

Threat rating: High. The Bush administration is
concerned that it may not get a second term.
Therefore, we are going to change the rules so
that each Democrat vote only counts as 0.2
votes because Democrat is a shorter word than
Republican


What threat to the Bush administration are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

My oldest son is a man about the neighborhood this summer. It’s taking some getting used to.

Obviously, since we’re homeschooling we get a lot of flak from family about his needing to be “socialized”. Apparently, he’s going to be socially backward and not know how to forge friendships with other kids because we homeschool. Eyes rolling here. This kid is a friend magnet. These days I’m lucky to see him an hour or two a day. He’s out of here by 9 a.m. most mornings, after having been beckoned by the boys two doors down. They’re his friends of choice lately. Then there’s the little girl across the street, a couple older boys who were friends of the aforementioned neighbor boys, the girl next door who’s usually there all summer (partial custody arrangement) and the assortment of kids who live who-knows-where. It’s fascinating to watch. This is the first year he’s really gotten out and about in the neighborhood. And of course we’re trying to move. But I just know he’ll make new friends wherever we go. This is the kid who can go to McPlayland and have all the kids there following him like puppies within minutes, and not just kids his own age. He’s able to play with a veritable gamut of ages, from the 3 year old girl next door who just loves him, to the 15 year old who he likes to ride bikes with (nearby of course). I love that about him, that he doesn’t want to just play with other seven year olds, he’s an equal opportunity friend. He’s cool that way.

Of course the one thing this means is that he doesn’t need me as much to be a playmate, a secret sharer. It’s sad but liberating at the same time. Sad for me, but liberating for him as he can now choose who he does what with, he has more options. Unfortunately for me, this means some of those options will not be things I would approve of. He told me about this cool game he’d been playing with his two buds...I was okay until I found out it was Mortal Kombat. Um, no, Homey don’t play ‘dat. So I’m still having to insert my groundrules, which is harder to do when the ground is not my own. I trust that he follows our family rules, but I can’t know for sure.

Well, I’m off for a walk with Maddie and Mason, who are still young enough to need my constant attentions.

Just have to say how much I love The Scientist by Coldplay. Their music is so full of utter poetry...

Speaking of COLDplay, anyone ever catch the band Cold? Is the lead singer supa fine or am I imagining things. WoWoWoW! But with a name like Scooter...I dunno...takes away from the mystique.

I’m going to literally pull my hair out. Well, whatever I have that isn’t already falling out what with my postpartum hormonal fluctuations.

I have so much to do today and the rest of the week for that matter. I made a good sized dent in it this morning though. Let me make a list, indulge me (hey, I just wanna see that I did something this morning!)
-cleaned out both the junk drawer and junk cabinet in the kitchen and cleaned the misc paperwork off the top of the counter
-took care of an insurance problem that’s been hanging around for, oh, a year or so.
-checked into getting a home-for-sale ad placed on our local cable channel.
-got everyone fed, including the girl from across the street.
-cleaned out the kiddie pool and it is now filling with gloriously clean water
-gathered some good karma by giving away all my baby furniture to a neighbor’s friend (teenaged and pregnant and not getting support from her family)
-got the pile of dishes washed and put away

Okay, so I’ve done a bit. But it’s 2 o’clock, I should have gotten more done by now! We’re having an open house on Saturday so I still have a lot of cleaning and de-cluttering to do. Gotta move a coupla big chairs and a desk to my moms, have to put away the huge tote of winter clothes I just put together to make the closets look nice and roomy, need to dust and wash walls, keep the kids from making chaotic messes in every room, organize the kitchen cabinets. Lots to do and not much time to do it in. I mean, my oldest is testing my patience a hundred times a day and my youngest has decided that naps are no longer of importance in his life. Yay me.

This is getting stressful. We’re getting no activity on our house. It’s been up for sale for about 4 months now, and we’ve had some walk throughs but not one offer. And no calls for about two weeks. It’s quickly getting to the point where we have to do something.

I’ve done everything the sites and books recommend for selling your home yourself. I’ve put away pictures, decluttered big time and put all my small appliances away (leaving the kitchen counter bare). I’ve cleaned like a madwoman, or at least like I’m not accustomed to being the slob that I naturally am. I’ve cleaned and organized closets. Me, the person with the blackest thumb around, I’ve put hanging baskets, pots of flowers, annuals all around and on the porch. Plus we’ve priced it below market value just to get a quick sale. Obviously that didn’t work out as planned

Sure we got ourselves into this mess. Six years ago, why did I think we needed a bigger house with a bigger mortgage? I was still of the mindset that I needed to get ahead, keep moving up that proverbial ladder. So we got the bigger house, the minivan, all the accoutrements of an up and coming working outside the home soccer mom. But then I decided that wasn’t what I wanted, what we wanted. So we changed our working patterns, but not our lifestyle enough. We should have sold the house a few years ago. But we’ve just kept plugging along, thinking we could maintain everything with less income. Always a mistake. I’ve mentioned going back to work, but right now Scott is making more than I ever did or could at this point. So we pretty much have to stay as is. Plus Mason (who is 8 months today!) only wants mommy milk.

Now we’re wanting to sell and buy a modular home, put it on some land by my mother and brother and get on with our downsized lives. It will be a smaller home, but so much less stress. I can easily stay home while Scott works his reduced schedule. It will be bliss! But first, but first...we have to unload this house. Which will help us pay off all our debts. It’s not that we go out to eat, or go on vacations or that we spend a lot of money. The problem right now is that we’re already in over our heads so we’re getting further and further in debt each month, just paying basic bills. We already cook a lot from scratch, we don’t buy things we don’t need, we look for free or very low cost recreational activities...but at this point it’s not enough. If we don’t sell the house in the next few months, something drastic will happen. Not sure exactly what right now, I’m trying not to think about it. We’ll likely call a realtor soon, paying the commission is okay if the end result is a sold house. I’m having one final hurrah, a big open house next weekend, going all out with sending out flyers, advertising on our local cable channel, hanging signs everywhere. I just want to know I did everything I could have.