I turned thirty two
it passed by barely noticed
I feel bitchy

I'm writing haiku
to keep my brain occupied
I don't want to think

I'm not a small child
Birthdays are not important
I was born, that's all.

Wanna know why I'm a total and utter bitch? Because I hate reading blogs of people who are succeeding in areas in which I struggle relentlessly.

Yeah. I'm a bitch. That's me.

Why am I like that? I should be able to rejoice for others and be happy that they're reaching their personal goals. But I'm not. There. I've said it. Okay, okay...on some level I AM happy for them...but then I get all depressed about my own inadequacies. Because it's all about me, dontchaknow. All me, all the time. (can you hear me sucking from where you are? How about now? Now?)

(bitch!)

Doing much better today.

We have a weird marriage. It's a study in extremes, which isn't good either. We had just had a tiff yesterday and I started thinking all these dark extreme things and that's where the separation stuff came in.

Today we're in love again.

It's funny because our marriage just feels...odd. Like we never really discussed things, our relationship just morphed naturally. Gawd, I can't explain what I mean. I can't really imagine one of us seriously sitting down and telling the other one they want a divorce, I mean, we'd both bust out laughing. It's more like it would just happen, we'd drift apart, separate then divorce without really having a big, emotional blow out over it. To be honest, I don't see that happening either. Yeah, we have big angry fights but then we have big happy love the rest of the time. At least I think so ;-) I can't assume to speak for Scott, but we seem to be on the same wavelength on a lot of things.

I guess I'm saying the happiness makes up for the bits of unhappiness.

Whatever. I guess I'm just feeling much better today and wanted to wax on about it...

I'm tired. Tired of trying to figure out who did what wrong and when. It's like trying to solve a puzzle without all the pieces and it's highly frustrating.

The finances are tight, so I get a job. But because the job is one I actually LIKE, it’s considered "fun" and not like a "real job". Even though the money helps us get our bills paid. So I rightly point out that if he doesn't like to be home with the kids, he could have gotten a full time job and then I would have stayed home longer.

The type of exercise I do isn't right, the way I play with the kids isn't right, the way I parent isn't right, the way I teach the children isn't right, the way I AM isn't right. It's not that he's mean and says these things outright, but he alludes to them frequently. And as much as I know it shouldn't be important to me, that I should feel good about the things I do without some outside pat on the head, it does hurt that I don't hear positive things. It's mostly negative reinforcement. And sure I'm to blame too, he's not this evil guy who is just on a reign of terror. I'm pretty slob-ish; I like the house orderly but I'm not going to get upset if it doesn't get done. So we're incompatible there. I'm not very organized and I know that effects things like homeschooling and the orderliness of the house itself. Honestly, I'm not all that attractive and I have let things like my weight get the best of me, so I know those things play a part in his not being attracted to me. Those are things within my power to change, but I just don't. So I do bear half the blame in our current state of unhappiness.

I'm not sure what I see for the future. I read these marriage books about what we should be doing and how we should be communicating, but I don't think it can be a one way thing. I mean, if I start using these tools but he doesn't isn't that doomed to failure? He just seems like he's resolved to see this through because he promised he would; he's told me that very thing. But I don't want a pity marriage, that just sucks. It sucks that at night after he falls asleep, I lie there and imagine what I would like to have in a marriage...with him, but just with different reactions. Like that maybe he would reach out to me and touch me and tell me he thinks I'm wonderful, that I'm pretty, that I'm a good mother...you know, pretty much lie through his teeth ;-) And I know it's dumb that I want or need those types of affirmations, but I truly feel like a nothing in our marriage. I feel like an afterthought.

So lately I've thought about going and staying with my mom for a week or so, just to give him time to figure out what he wants. I mean, we're all there all the time, maybe he needs a break to figure out whether or not he wants to see this through. And part of me is scared witless that he'll realize that what he wants isn't me. But at the same time, I think I'll feel relieved either way. I'll either know he really wants me, or that he doesn't and we're better off apart if that's the case.

For some reason lately, I've felt pulled to the skin care aisle. I ponder all the creams and lotions said to firm skin and reduce fine lines. I buy little strips to clear my pores. I look at magazines to find that one great cut and or color that will adorn my head. I peruse the clothing catalogs that i used to heave into the recycling bin upon receipt. Even the shoes on QVC call to me.

Maybe it's Spring? I dunno.

But this is new to me. I used to love new clothes, new shoes, new moisturizers and cleansers. But that was a long time ago. I became a mom and proceeded to totally neglect my skin and my wardrobe. The little pink and blue outfits were so much cuter than anything in my department. And sneakers became my shoe of choice most of the time.

But all of a sudden, I feel like I'm coming out of my cocoon and I need some bling bling to accentuate the wings. I want facials and strappy platform sandals, I want chunky highlights and smaller, cleaner pores. These things have suddenly become important to me Why?! I thought I was this earth mama who didn't care about that stuff; besides, it's full of chemicals, right?! I'm sure the clerks think me crazy when having this not so inner dialogue with myself in the hair coloring aisle. I can't seem to merge these two parts of myself...the one who wants to hug trees and the one who wants big red chemically induced highlights. Need to keep working on that...

At any rate, I'm enjoying rediscovering this part of myself. She's been asleep a long time and needs to have a little fun...

I'm at a crossroads in my homeschooling journey. Last week, we were very seriously looking at schools (or one in particular) for Gage for next year. He's going to be in 3rd grade - or doing 3rd grade work I should say. We don't really "do" grades.
I was just seemingly banging my head against a wall with schooling him. Rather, I should say coming into contact with his very strong will. It was frustrating. He was frustrated, I was frustrated. I didn't like having to fight him to do his work, which really isn't all that much "work". We do lapbooks about continents (that's just learning about the continent or whathaveyou, and putting all the info you think is neat into a folder type thing where you can access it later if you want to), we read books together and answer questions about the book, we measure rooms, we cook with fractions, we talk about clouds when we're driving in the car, we write stories about Pokemon characters (the kids obsession du jour)...but it was still difficult. When he even sensed we were trying to actually..gasp..LEARN something, he would balk. On those days I didn't have my creative juices flowing I'd give him worksheets with math problems and grammar lessons. He would usually go into a 15.2 minute freak out beforefinally doing the worksheets. Did I mention it was frustrating?
But the whole school atmoshpere just left a bad taste in my mouth. I had a very stong instinctual feeling that I did NOT want him in school, at least any of the ones around here. We have no charter or alternative schools here, and all the schools are very much tuned into the proficiency tests which I loathe. I could just see his spirit getting squelched and I couldn't do it. Now I'm not one who says all forms of structured schooling are bad for children. I don't believe that. There are plenty of schools out there who go against the grain, who actually want to foster a love of learning in the students rather than just spit out good little worker bees who will keep the economy going. My nephew went to a school like that in New York City. Where there were no grades, the classes were like in depth discussions rather than lectures, the arts were encouraged rather than tacked on as an afterthought. He thrived there, and I think that school played a large part in his desire to go from their poverty stricken Brooklyn neighborhood to an Ivy league university. The high school actually valued independent thinking and enabled the students to see their value as human beings, not just grades or test scores. Obviously, there are no schools like that in our moderately sized city. And I'm sure that there ARE public schools out there that are trying to do better, that are striving to turn out well rounded people who are emotionally and intellectually richer for the experience. But since we don't have any of those nearby, I realized that homeschooling was and is our next best option.
I also realized that I have to make some changes in the way we've been homeschooling in order to minimize the conflicts while maximizing teachable moments and a more learning rich environment. And I need to swallow hard and get my antisocial self out there in order to meet Gage's need for a social outlet. So that's what I'm going to try to do. I feel that homeschooling is totally right *for us*, but at the same time I know I haven't been giving it 100% of my focus as it needs.

Hmm, what has happened since I last posted?

-My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and has already had the mastectomy. The doc said a lumpectomy would do it, but she just had him take the whole breast. Just to give her some peace of mind about it. She's a strong woman, very brave and very much with her feet firmly planted in reality. I think I must get my sense of realism and stoicism from her (nicely balanced with the over sensitivity and romanticism of my father). We now wait for the pathology results to see if she needs chemotherapy. We've got everything crossed here...

-I started my job and I love it! I totally made the right decision. It's at a small branch library, so it's very quiet and not busy at all. The drive is 20 minutes and I'm even liking that...the driving fast, the not worrying about lyrics of the loud music I rock out to. Then at the library, when no one is there (which is frequently) I can just browse the racks or sit and read...I have to frequently pinch myself. I'm getting paid for this?! Mason has done just fine with it all; this is the first time he's really been without me for any period of time (and this is still only 5 hours at the most!).

-I've lost 5 lbs! I'm trying to be better about my constant desire for chocolate. I'm getting more exercise. I feel pretty good!

-I stopped taking the Zoloft. I never did get used to the idea of a chemical altering my moods, even if it was for the better. It just really bothered me. And I was having touble sleeping. And I coulnd't reach orgasm. Imagine! That was...horrid! So that was enough to make me want to be off them. I still feel pretty well, just a touch more anxious and a bit more short temepered but overall it's good.

And I think that catches everything up. I need to vent/ramble about my marriage, but that's just hard to do. I want to write things down, but it's like it's stuck in my head...all the things I want to say, all the things I want to write. And my thoughts waver from moment to moment so it's hard to put into words...

Anyway...