I'm tired. Tired of trying to figure out who did what wrong and when. It's like trying to solve a puzzle without all the pieces and it's highly frustrating.

The finances are tight, so I get a job. But because the job is one I actually LIKE, it’s considered "fun" and not like a "real job". Even though the money helps us get our bills paid. So I rightly point out that if he doesn't like to be home with the kids, he could have gotten a full time job and then I would have stayed home longer.

The type of exercise I do isn't right, the way I play with the kids isn't right, the way I parent isn't right, the way I teach the children isn't right, the way I AM isn't right. It's not that he's mean and says these things outright, but he alludes to them frequently. And as much as I know it shouldn't be important to me, that I should feel good about the things I do without some outside pat on the head, it does hurt that I don't hear positive things. It's mostly negative reinforcement. And sure I'm to blame too, he's not this evil guy who is just on a reign of terror. I'm pretty slob-ish; I like the house orderly but I'm not going to get upset if it doesn't get done. So we're incompatible there. I'm not very organized and I know that effects things like homeschooling and the orderliness of the house itself. Honestly, I'm not all that attractive and I have let things like my weight get the best of me, so I know those things play a part in his not being attracted to me. Those are things within my power to change, but I just don't. So I do bear half the blame in our current state of unhappiness.

I'm not sure what I see for the future. I read these marriage books about what we should be doing and how we should be communicating, but I don't think it can be a one way thing. I mean, if I start using these tools but he doesn't isn't that doomed to failure? He just seems like he's resolved to see this through because he promised he would; he's told me that very thing. But I don't want a pity marriage, that just sucks. It sucks that at night after he falls asleep, I lie there and imagine what I would like to have in a marriage...with him, but just with different reactions. Like that maybe he would reach out to me and touch me and tell me he thinks I'm wonderful, that I'm pretty, that I'm a good mother...you know, pretty much lie through his teeth ;-) And I know it's dumb that I want or need those types of affirmations, but I truly feel like a nothing in our marriage. I feel like an afterthought.

So lately I've thought about going and staying with my mom for a week or so, just to give him time to figure out what he wants. I mean, we're all there all the time, maybe he needs a break to figure out whether or not he wants to see this through. And part of me is scared witless that he'll realize that what he wants isn't me. But at the same time, I think I'll feel relieved either way. I'll either know he really wants me, or that he doesn't and we're better off apart if that's the case.