So let's talk about just how far I've gone off the deep end.

For the last week or so I've had this niggling thought that I could be pregnant. We messed up at a really bad time and I was having really weird symptoms that I usually don't have before my period AND my temperatures seemed to support it. Of course when my friends at a site I visit saw my chart and put two and two together they were also getting a bit concerned about the possibility.

Well, my temperature went down today and a few people from that site are suddenly pregnant and I want to be to! How whacked is that?! I don't need a fourth kid, not sure I could handle a fourth kid...but here I sit. I know this would have been really bad timing for so many reasons, so why am I feeling a bit sad that it's not going to happen? I guess that's normal. After a week of sort of getting used to the possibility and the excitement about the "what if's" it's a bit of a letdown.

Oh well, such is life. There are reasons to be glad it's not happening right now. I guess I'll always be one of those people who wants to be pregnant and misses it. And I think I have an idealized view of it all. I mean, I handle it well. I don't get sick much and I enjoy the being pregnant, but a lot of other things I'm not so realistic about. I'm not realistic about what my husband's reaction would have been (not happy!), I'm not realistic about how it would have effected our situation and family. Sure my daughter has been asking for a baby sister, but the reality of it just isn't that easy.

It's not the end of the world, either way. We'd have dealt with it if I had been pregnant and I'll be okay since I'm not. Ain't no thang but a chicken wing! (why do I always say that and sound utterly dorky when I do? I dunno)

On the off chance that blogger has decided to work today, I'll attempt a post. Okay, I' m editing right here because apparently even though Blogger said it lost my last two posts from the other day, it really didn't. Just screwing with me apparently. So anyway...

Feeling icky today. Had a wardrobe malfunction this morning - my zipper caught the tag on my pants and was crazy stuck. Scott finally managed to get it out so I threw them on and, realizing I had 5 minutes to get to work, ran out the door. Little did I realize that apparently he also damaged the zipper because now it won't stay up. Fortunately my sweater is long.

Also have beginnings of a yeast infection but didn't want to treat it just yet since I have my gyno appointment this afternoon. This day is turning out to be a laugh riot! I normally treat with plain yogurt so I didn't want the midwife to think I had some strange, rare disease due to which my body produces yogurt.

So...

I finally decided that instead of always saying "I wish I had..." I'm going to write. Sure it's mainly for my own peace of mind, so that I can give it my best shot and know I tried, but it's still making me feel sick. I mean, literally sick. Like I could hurl at any point just thinking about it. I have shot out 4000 words in the last two and a half days. Not an amazing amount, but considering I have three kids and a part time job, it's not too bad. I don't know what my end result is going to look like, but for now at least I'm working on it.

You've got to be kidding me, right? I mean, seriously, you're effing with me blogger!

So I just typed a post about my trying to start writing again and how I feel physically ill over it and it went shitzoo. It's gone.

Eff me...

So I've decided that I'm going to write. Not do it for a living or whatever, but enough to forever silence that little stupid voice in my head telling me that's what I'm supposed to do.

And I can't do it! I've written a total of two pages since I started this week. And when I even think about it, I feel sick. I mean I feel like I could literally hurl. WTF? What is wrong with me?! I'm excited about doing it, I want to do it. I want to finish a "novel" this year. That's my goal. Not the great American novel or anything like that, just a bunch of pages that when put together make some semblance of a story. So why do I feel SICK about it?

I'm going to do what Stephen King said he does sometimes...just type fuck for ten pages straight. Seriously, how do these writers do it who write for hours each day? My brain does not have that capability...

So my long term plans had been for Scott to go back to school for a year and do what he wants to do then I would go back. But now that I'm looking at majors and careers and trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, I'm having problems. Nothing excites me, nothing looks like a job I'd really enjoy. And those that semi-excite me have less than stellar future growth predictions and/or are quite competitive which spooks me right out.

I'm actually quite competitive, almost too competitive. To that point where I usually don't want to engage in any kind of competition because the chance exists that I could lose. So a competitive job market isn't something I relish. Especially considering I woudl have to go back to school for several years to even get into said competitive job market. I'm not old, but pushing 33 and looking at going back to school then a career...I need to be sure it's exactly what I want to do.

As with everything in my life, I'm conflicted. A large part of me wants to just be with my family, to do the off the grid thing, to travel around in an RV and finally travel to Europe. A job, a "career" isn't vital to me. But then I guess I'm also concerned about my life being my message, leaving some mark of my life you know? It's not that I think I'm going to move mountains or anything, I just worry that I'm wasting my gifts and I don't even know if I have any, let alone what they are.

I'm very interested in ecology and environmentalism but damn, those are like...SCIENCE! Math and science are not my forte. I've always said I'd love to be an English professor, but who wouldn't? That market is damned near impossible to crack into. Writing? I used to love it, but I see so many people better than I am that it's disheartening.

I guess "I don't want to sell anything, buy anything or processes anything as a career. And I don't want to sell anything bought or processed or buy anything sold or processed or process anything sold, bought, or processed. Or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. As a career I don't want to do that." Gawd I love John Cusak...can that be a career? Him and Morrissey? No?

What's a girl to do??

Lots of things going through the old mind lately.

Trying to get our house ready to attempt to sell again. Going to actually get a realtor this time as it seems nothing on our street sells easily even though it's a quiet, tree lined street in a quiet, family oriented neighborhood. Shrug. I guess I'm second guessing myself because, as I've mentioned before, we're going to downsize and our next abode will likely not be as big or as "nice" as our house is now. But it will free up lots of money for things like travel and homeschooling adventures and things we really want to do (as opposed to continuing to be skint every month and having not one penny of extra money for things we feel are important).

So I see the pros and cons evenly lined up and am not sure if we're doing the right thing. It sounds good but the reality of it might be a bit different.

I guess I'm wondering if the reality of trying to live off the grid and be more environmentally aware is something I can do. Intellectually, I want to do it but knowing me, am I going to physically want to do it once I have to do it, you know?

Just the thought of being able to live off of one part time income really interests me. The amount of time it would free up is just insanely exciting.

Time is a big issue for me of late. Even though I'm only working 18 hours a week it seems it's much longer. I suppose it's because the hours are mid-day and it really takes out the meat of the day. Either I'm working or Scott's working and it's just getting crazy. I don't feel like we have any time together as a family. If I were making a lot of money it would be a different story as well. Since Scott was just offered some off-the-record construction/painting work for one of the higher-ups at his employer it makes sense that I might want to think about leaving this job. I enjoy it, it gives me surfing time, but the scheduling is getting crazy. I know I probably sound nutty to families where both parents work full time, but that's just not our priority or reality. And weird as it seems, we likely get less full-family time than dual-income families because usually, those kids are in school or day care while the parents work. Anyway...due to the amount of time this seems to take and the low pay it just makes sense for us to free up more time for Scott to be able to work more thus making more for the family. I know, I sound like I'm trying to convince myself. It's because it just seems strange to be thinking of quitting this job I've had for the past year when we're not in great financial shape and the job Scott is looking at is temporary...but it really does make sense in many ways. I could always watch a kid or two or clean houses and those wouldn't entail leaving the kids.

I sound like one of those parents who thinks you should never leave your kids...and I don't really believe that. But I'd like to be able to choose when I have to leave them and use that time more wisely than a part time, low pay job if that makes sense. I 'd like to choose to leave them with someone when Scott and I can get time together, or when I'm volunteering or whatever.

Speaking of volunteering, that's another time point. I've just agreed to help out our local WIC office by volunteering to help with their breastfeeding advocacy program. I feel this is really important and something that would feed my soul better than other ways I could spend that time. Scott agrees with me that volunteering is really important and something we have to do more of. So if I were to stay where I am, this would lead to even more schedule clashes obviously.

Anyway...I'm rambling. Just a lot of thinking going on. It helps to keep my mind off other things...

So naturally I've been doing a lot of thinking about spirituality these last few days and my husband and I have had some great conversations.

My beliefs may be a hodge podge of things, but overall it just feels "right" to me and helps me deal with things my mortal brain cannot handle. I am of the belief that everything does happen for a reason and that everything is pre-ordained. It's not that I believe god is making decisions for us, it's that the god I believe in is omniscient and the decisions we make are already known. Our spirits choose the incarnations to accomplish certain things during each lifecycle. We aren't fully aware of this of course

So I'm trying to put myself in Kathryn's place to some extent and determine what I believe about her son's passing. I'm sure once the sadness has ebbed away a bit some people will start thinking that the decision to homebirth was a faulty one. That if she had been having him in a hospital this likely wouldn't have happened. I don't think I believe that. I think that, again, everything happens as it's supposed to happen on some higher level we aren't privy to.

My husband doesn't believe this. He believes we fully have free will and can and do make mistakes or make decisions on our own. I couldn't make him understand that I do believe we make decisions but I think the results of those decisions, the decisions themselves, are known by some higher power. That the decisions have been made on some level, we just aren't aware of it.

Even though it may sound hurtful to some people, I do believe that even those spirits whose lives cause us pain have chosen that path. That some spirits just need a brief time on this earth to do what they need to do. Some might just need a gestational period in which to be loved and cared for and not much more. I know people who have dealt with the death of a child might be offended by this so I don't voice this belief much. For me personally, I think it helps me to think that when a person's life ends, that's when it was supposed to end, that's when that spirit needed to go, chose to go in some pre-human existance. Of course the pain that's left behind is palpable and difficult to come to terms with, but my belief remains that there is purpose to it.

I need to talk about this. I need to talk about it and I don't think my friend knows about this blog so I think it'll be okay. I don't want to make her feel badly in any way.

I call her a friend though we've never actually met. We've known each other for over 2 years via an online community I'm part of. We frequent the same groups on this site and share similar parenting and childbirth philosophies. So even though we've not met in person, she's still a friend.

She went into labor with her fifth baby on Jan 1. He was breech and got stuck due to his arm and hand being beside his head. A breech vaginal delivery isn't impossible, but in this scenario it was. He was stuck for a bit and came out with no heartbeat. While they did get the heart beating, there was no brain activity. They're taking him off the machines today.

I want to cry right now but I'm at work so am trying not to. I just keep thinking of her and how she must feel and it just breaks my heart into a million pieces. Of course, I can't imagine it. How could I?

When we heard yesterday that they were doing an MRI to see if there was any brain activity I started praying and hoping that somehow, someway, by some miracle he would be okay.

It's just so unfair and horrible and unthinkable. I keep thinking of her posts during these last few weeks and I want to cry all over again. Her hopeful, joyful posts. She's an amazing woman with so much faith that she can take strength from.

If you're reading this...please say a prayer or positive thoughts or white light to my friend Kathryn and her baby boy Liam.