I need to talk about this. I need to talk about it and I don't think my friend knows about this blog so I think it'll be okay. I don't want to make her feel badly in any way.

I call her a friend though we've never actually met. We've known each other for over 2 years via an online community I'm part of. We frequent the same groups on this site and share similar parenting and childbirth philosophies. So even though we've not met in person, she's still a friend.

She went into labor with her fifth baby on Jan 1. He was breech and got stuck due to his arm and hand being beside his head. A breech vaginal delivery isn't impossible, but in this scenario it was. He was stuck for a bit and came out with no heartbeat. While they did get the heart beating, there was no brain activity. They're taking him off the machines today.

I want to cry right now but I'm at work so am trying not to. I just keep thinking of her and how she must feel and it just breaks my heart into a million pieces. Of course, I can't imagine it. How could I?

When we heard yesterday that they were doing an MRI to see if there was any brain activity I started praying and hoping that somehow, someway, by some miracle he would be okay.

It's just so unfair and horrible and unthinkable. I keep thinking of her posts during these last few weeks and I want to cry all over again. Her hopeful, joyful posts. She's an amazing woman with so much faith that she can take strength from.

If you're reading this...please say a prayer or positive thoughts or white light to my friend Kathryn and her baby boy Liam.