Gay Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
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Allow me to bitch and whine.

I hate being a complainer, it's a trait I'm trying hard to change. But lately things just have been crazy. We had to repair our main water line into the house; an expediture we were totally unprepared for. Sure, my mom helped us out on that front, but it was still a big shocker. Then on top of that, somehow we are totally broke this week. Um, my house payment is due. Ugh! So it'll have to be paid with next weeks paycheck, which will put off paying the utilities we normally pay with that first check of the month. Which will put everything back a week naturally.
I hate money problems, but I think they clarify things for me in many ways. I appreciate that we have things that many people, even many people in this country, don't have. We own our house, we have a nice dependable car, we have plenty of food...we are truly living a blessed life. Sure we live paycheck to paycheck with all too occaisonal assistance from the plastic god, but we LIVE, you know? We're living every day, whether we want to be consumed by money stress or not, we live.
So right now, our house is on the market. Sign is out in the front yard and all that jazz. (note to self, must stop saying "all that jazz" now that Chicago was such a hit. Song will not leave mind) So we'll muddle along until someone decides to buy this thing then we'll move to the country pretty much debt free. That's the plan anyway. We'll see how reality decides to play us...

HAPPY EASTER!!!!!!

It's not even 9 a.m. and I'm eating chocolate!!!!!!!!

I'm going to regret this tomorrow........

Why is it that I get so consumed with things? I'll start thinking about some new possibility or change and I become obsessed with it. I think about it constantly. I try to figure out how to make it happen, what I should do, what it would mean...it's crazy.

And I knew I did this long before my darling husband decided to point it out to me. But I can't for the life of me figure out why.

Am I one of those people who thinks the next big change is going to be the one to finally and completely make me happy? But I feel so happy right NOW. I don't think I'm looking for happiness, at least not more than I have now. Am I a change junkie? Now that I could see. But I don't usually deal all that well with change, so why would I crave it?

I just don't know. I do know that I need to "be here now", I need to cherish this moment and be present in it. I think I'm such a planner that I keep planning for tomorrow and never living today. Not a good way to live I think. I'm losing all these moments by thinking about next month or next year. My kids are growing up right before my eyes and I'm going to miss it unless I snap out of this. So here I go, to live in the moment. Or at least try to until next week...or next month. If I can squeeze it in.

Oh yeah, and this is a cool blog!

Purple Goddess in Frog Pyjamas

Something else I was thinking about recently...

I am so pro-woman that for a few minutes I thought no, women shouldn't be in combat. Leave the men to that. Women are soulful, mystical, life bearers...they are not war bringers.

But then someone pointed out that it's a slippery slope. If we say women can't be in combat, then where will the line be drawn? Will women be stopped from x simply because they are women? Makes sense, so my mind is changed. Well, that and my femme pride at seeing an interview with a female fighter pilot; you go woman!

I seriously think that once you hit your childbearing years you become a slave to your hormones; at least where childbearing is concerned. I admire those women who can put it off or even ignore the pull of babies. I really do.

I’m not one of them. I've come to the realization that I' m the type of woman who will never feel "done" having kids. When I was a teenager, I told anyone and everyone that I would never marry and absolutely never have kids. Just wasn’t crazy about them. They were alright, but way too much work for this lazy gal. People said I would change my mind, and I assured them that I would not. I met my now-husband and fell hard for him; we lived together but I still had no real urge to get married. Then I hit the ripe old age of 22. I’m sure the little guys controlling my hormones had been on sabbatical until then. They must have just noticed that they had turned off the biological clock! Oh no! All of a sudden I adored babies; just loved them; salivated over them in fact. Yes, let’s get married so we can have itty bitty baby-wabies!! I was a slobbering mess...

So we got married and had our first baby. It was bliss, it was wonderful! Life was good. Then he hit two years old and the old hormones started churning again. Baby, baby, BABY!!! So we had our daughter. And we were done! Surely we were done, right?! I felt done. For the most part...

But then the old baby lust kicked in again. Baby, baby, BABY! Now we have three kids. Three. From the girl who said she’d never push forth a babe from her loins. From the girl who never wanted a lot of responsibility. I feel like that guy from the commercial...the thought that I am responsible for another human life is utterly ridiculous! But I love my kids...god I love ‘em! And guess what...this time the hormone guys know I’m their bitch. They had me at hello. Baby, baby BABY!!

I'm now up to 40 pounds lost. Sorry, but I'm darned proud of myself! Why do I feel awful when I share good things I've done? Like I'm boasting or something...but I'm just happy I've come this far.

My Levi's are loose and I can see my toes in the shower. It's a good thing.

Still around...just trying to come to grips with everything going on. Trying not to watch so much CNN. Flipping over to the Love Boat just to get some brain candy...

On the homefront, I'm realizing it's impossible to get a house ready to sell with small children running amok. I'm wondering if tv-sedation is such a bad thing at this point.

Also, I'm going to be turning the big 3-1 on Sunday. Shouldn't I be a grown up by now? Nahhh....I'm just getting started!

"Heaven can wait,
We're only watching the skies
Hoping for the best
But expecting the worst
Are you going to drop the bomb or not?
Let us die young or let us live forever
We don't have the power
But we never say never
Sitting in a sandpit,
Life is a short trip
The music's for the sad men
Can you imagine when this race is won?
Turn our golden faces into the sun
Praising our leaders,
We're getting in tune
The music's played by the madmen"

Wow. Did Alphaville ever have it right. And they wrote the song back in '84.

The hawks are looking for any reason to get in there. I couldn't even listen to Powell blather on. Even after Blix and ElBaradei repoted progress, we have to jump in with "but, but, but..." It's never enough. I hear the drumbeat on the horizon and I am scared.

You know you've merged your womanhood with being a mother when you can watch your ebay cloth diaper auctions on one page while reading a very out there Sexual Health forum on another. I am woman, hear me roar!

A farmer in ancient Rome was known far and wide for his berry growing abilities. One year in particular he grew an altogether wonderful specimen, it was the most beautiful berry that ever was grown. People came from far and wide to admire the berry and sing it's praises.

The powers that be became jealous of the berry; they wanted to have the berry all to themselves. They didn't want to share the berry with anyone else. They sent soldiers to procure the berry.

When the soldiers knocked upon the farmers door, the farmer told them he was done showing the berry for the day, he was sitting down to dinner. The soldiers said "silly Farmer, we have come to sieze your berry, not to praise it".

Har har. That was my favorite joke in my dad's repertoire of bad jokes. And if you don't get it, read some Shakespeare for god's sake!

So I wanted to put someting out in the cyber world for my father.

He was an interesting man. He was born in 1923, he grew up in Cincinnati, Ohio. He had one brother to whom he did not speak for my entire life (31 years) due to some familial issues. He had a daughter from his first marriage with whom he also had no contact for whatever reasons. I'm not sure I'll ever understand that. Nor will I understand many things about my father. He was in intensely private person, not even sharing much of his past with his children. From what I know thus far he was a musician, a college professor, a teacher. Sounds like a very interesting life, but one I will now never have a window into.
He was extremely intelligent, and as such I was always surprised he was a die hard Republican. We had many a disagreement on politics. We used to sing the Archie Bunker theme, I doing the scream-y Edith portion. He used to love that. Before I always thought he wasn't proud of me, of us, but finding a sophomoric teenage poem that I wrote alongside his most cherished belongings proved otherwise. He just had high standards for us, that was all. I do believe he loved us, in his way. He could be controlling and mean spirited, but I think that was his condition. He had been in failing health for a while.
I'm glad he got to see Mason. I'm glad Gage and Maddie will remember him. He is a big reason I am who I am. I will miss matching wits with him, I will miss talking about inane TV trivia with him, I will miss him.

Mister Rogers passed away. Crap crap crap.

Sorry to have been silent (as if anyone cares! ha!)....

My father passed away last Monday. My son is 7 today and is throwing up. I'm eating way too much Valentine's candy.

I'll be back as soon as I feel able...

Impeach Bush!!! Get thee to this site now and cast your vote to impeach Bush.

I think it takes a special kind of stupid to injure ones self whilst doing crafts.

I finished my curtains and they look great! I'm quite pleasnatly surprised. I did however burn my hand on the iron I had left plugged in beside me. It was just a quick searing pain when I first touched it. But it has gradually progressed and now hurts worse than ever. I have a nice pink welt on my wrist an a reminder that I'm not crafty, damn it! Or maybe I'm just stupid. Either way, your call.

I'm going to regret this, I'm sure. I've hated my living room curtains ever since we moved in, but I was lazy. Almost six years lazy. So I finally got some taupe canvas tab top panels and funky iron rods. I put them up. Oh, wait, I forced Scott to put them up. Then I forced him to move the whole set-up over two inches. I'm high maintenance, what can I say?
But they looked so...blah. I mean, we're talking taupe canvas! Like I said, blah. So I got some fabric paint and stamps and I'm going to give this whole Martha thing a try (well, sans the insider trading bit). Hopefully soon we'll have pretty panels with assorted leaves in burgundy, forest green and yellow ochre (did you just flashback to Bob Ross?) along the sides. That's the plan anyway...

Oh, and if I hear dubya mispronounce "nuclear" one more time I'm going to literally hurl. I mean, okay, I don't pronounce everything correctly, but I'm not giving speeches to millions of people either, I don't have speechwriters feeding me lines. It's not "nuk-ya-ler" it's "nu-clee-ar" dumbass.
And this man is the leader of the free world? Oh no, that's right, he's just the usurper of power. It was a coup d'idiot that took place down there in Florida.

My son is odd. He chews on seat belts and everytime he goes to the bathroom he has to change clothes. Seven year olds confuse me...

Just trying to keep my mind off everything else going on in the world. I just said to some friends "Still seems weird to me that we're paying so much attention to a country that "might" have nuclear weapons when N Korea definitely does have them and is making more. This tidbit makes me believe that we're not hearing "facts" from Washington regarding Iraq. If we went to war lots of innocent people are going to die; these countries put their labs/storehouses in civilian neighborhoods for a reason. Powell wants us to believe this little country is outsmarting everyone by moving weapons around; if this is true they're geniuses or the inspectors/UN/US are idiots.
No matter what we do, there are still going to be terrorists making bio-terror weapons out there. Bombing the shit out of Iraq isn't going to change that. To prove that point, anyone know where bin Laden is? Come on, we couldn't find the guy in little old Afghanistan; if we couldn't do that then we're not going to wipe out terror by wiping out Iraq. We'll just get our hands on the oil. And isn't that convenient (when we're using more of it than anyone else)."

We all agreed that the sad part is that no one's asking us. So I distract myself with minutiae.