Okay, not much more baby whining. After some more talking, I'm just going to say I think we WILL have another baby at some point, likely within the next year and a half! And that's all I'm going to say (he's seeming to come around, I think it's mainly that he feels he'd like another, but then he worries about the particulars like time and such). And I don't want to dwell on it lest I jinx everything lol

Starting to seriously look at this building stuff. We need to get working on this addon. At least get some planning done for Spring. It'll be so nice to have more room. We're adding on a living room type space plus two bedrooms. We really need it. I know downsizing is a good thing, but apparently we can't declutter much more and we're still pretty full to bursting here. Maybe over the winter we can also fix the master bath (floor, finish drywall, new toilet, new sink/cabinet). It'd really be nice to have that nice whirlpool garden tub working...ahhh. I think I'm going to need it this winter with us all cooped up. I've already got the kids winter gear out, hoping they'll like trekking about in the snow more than they did in town (much more fun in fields and woods lol)

God, I need to get this out. I need to get over it is what I need. But I just can't. I feel a sadness so deep I can't even begin to explain it. I think about not having another baby (yeah, yeah, THAT again) and I feel a physical emptiness in my chest. Man, I can't do this. I seriously wonder if there are women who have to go through therapy to get over this desire.

I hate to go on and on about this, and it's not something that rules every moment but it seems to bubble to the surface every now and again. Okay, every day or two lol. And it happens when I'm least expecting it. I won't even be thinking about it then all of a sudden I'm feeling so sad that I won't have another baby. And it's not just the baby, it's another "person" in the family. This time it feel differently than it did "wanting" number 3 and number 4. I don't feel like someone is missing, I just feel like someone "has to be here" or needs to be here. Like it's something we just have to do, we don't have a choice. Then I remember we kinda do have a choice and the choice is that we're done. Made by my husband, but he has a right to that decision. It just feels like a knife in the heart every time I realize it's decided, it's over. I keep having moments where it seems like a possibility and I cannot explain the peace that comes over me, just a feeling of "rightness" that disappears when I start realizing, no, it's not really a possibility.

And I know I'm not this super mom. I get mad, I have bad days, I struggle with depression. Mild depression, but still, it sucks. I know we don't have lots of room, I know we don't have lots of money...but I just cannot shake this. And would I always feel this way? That's the question. I don't know. I can't always feel this way, I don't want to always feel this way.

I suppose I need to immerse myself in the kids I do have and just not look back. It's just sucky right now to have this sadness weighing on my heart.

Okay, okay...so it was PMS. I thought about deleting the post, but ya know, it's honest and honesty is okay, even when wrong. It's how I felt, right or no.

I guess I tend to overreact (nahhh, me?). One small fight and it's a slippery slope to "you don't love me!" lol. It's how I do.

Anyway...today things are good. Kids bickering a bit, but who has kids who don't? I know they're good kids overall, even on days I want to climb the nearest clocktower. Today's not quite one of those days. Yet.
I know I blather on about this, but it's on my mind quite a bit and I have nowhere to really get it out. No one "gets" this kid need. Everyone I know seems to think I'm slightly to extremely insane for even considering it. And ya know, that makes me feel like a crappy mom! Not that I need some family member or online friend to say "you're a fab mom! Have another kid! As a matter of fact, have five!!"...but I admit it feels weird when NO one seems supportive of it. Even those who are supportive of others big families. Things that make you go Hmmm for sure.

But as I think about it, I DO think I'm a pretty darn good mom. No, I don't do everything perfectly. Some days I get angry easily, some days I don't want to do homeschooling, some days I want to run screaming down the road. But doesn't everyone have these days? I truly believe they do. I know people online who hardly ever cop to having these days. I don't buy it. I love my kids, love being a mom...but I'm still ME and I still have all my flaws and issues. No one is perfect and therefore no one is a perfect parent. As long as I'm trying and as long as I'm striving to give my kids a good start, I think everything will be okay.
I really really think I have to stop worrying about what other people think and if they approve of my life. Because it's MY life!

Anyway, my mom had made a comment about if we had another, Lily wouldn't get all the attention she needs...wow, no attention with four sibs and us?! That's hardly a concern I have. And really, what more than a typical child does she need? I think, no I know because I was there at one point...I KNOW that people think she needs all this specialized care and attention because she has Downs. But you know what? She doesn't! She's a fabulous kid and I dote on her like crazy, as does her father and her brothers and sister, but she really isn't any more difficult or time consuming than my other kids. Actually less so than Mace who is still my handfull lol. And most people on the Downs board say a younger sib is actually good for a Ds kiddo!

At any rate, we're likely done. But still...

Having a ...day.

PMS is here in full force unfortunately. Things are weird.

Things that would be different...

Less laundry. But then I couldn't smell his shirts.

Could do what I want. But would only have myself to blame when everything goes bust.

No more worries about disappointing someone.

No waiting for him to come home from work, wondering if the house is clean enough, did I do enough during the day. But then no more waiting for him to come home from work.

Marriage is hard. We're in a hard place right now. He's a great person. I love him. Not so sure he loves me. What do you do then? Do I be the bigger person and let him go, or let him stay and be unhappy?

Might be all PMS but who knows. What do you do with yourself after being not just yourself for 16 years? And who would catch the spiders?