Okay, I have to quit kvetching about another baby. My husband is pretty much done and I have to just get on with things. I can't stay in this place of longing and sadness forever, I have four other babies who need me right now!

So in that vein...

I'm planning my garden this year and I'm just loving it! I'm going to try my hand at square foot gardening instead of the typical gardening set up. Hearing how it's less work, less weeding, less watering, I think it's at least worth a shot.

I'm also going to grow enough to put up some things for winter. Potatoes and onions mainly as those are the things we go through pretty quickly around here. I also want to make a lot of pasta sauces and salsa. We go through both of those fairly quickly as well. Plus more freezing. We don't have loads of freezer space, but my mom has generously allowed us to put some of our freezer stock in her two extra freezers if need be so that might be what we'll do. I'm thinking about canning more than I'd originally planned on. Freezing is easy, but it's not the cheapest way to go. The green beans, saurkraut and vegetable soup as well as the tomato sauces will be canned.

So this is my plan...here's hoping I get at least half of it completed lol. I've never really done much canning and such and so this will be a learning experience at least.

Things are well here. Scott has finally gone back to his normal hours. While this means less money, we're all loving having him home more. The kids benefit greatly from his being here, he's super involved. Just this morning he's done a treasure hunt with each kid PLUS put together a multiplication game that involved lots of running around, throwing balls, laughing and much math. He's much more creative about this stuff than I am lol.

We've decided to put off having Mace evaluated for ASD. While I think he has his issues, after my thought and mindfulness I feel he doesn't need a diagnosis at this point. Some of the behaviors can be quirky, but nothing that is interfering with his life at this moment in time. Mostly it's stuff I think he'll outgrow as time goes on, with our constant guidance of course. He really is an amazing kid, and I don't want to label him. In many cases, that can be a great thing, but he's just not having so much difficulty that I feel it's warranted at this time.

Lily is getting ready to walk! It's amazing she'll be 2 in just a few short months. She's doing amazingly well from what I've learned about Downs. I'm eternally grateful for that. She's a spitfire and has this great fiesty personality that's emerging more every day.

I can't believe in a few weeks I'll have a 12 year old. Crazy. Gage and Maddie are just great kids...I hear all the time from Gage's friends' mothers how great a kid he is and how they love having him over. That's always nice to hear. Maddie still wants to be my shadow most of the time, and that's okay. I know this time will pass before I know it, as each phase has inevitably done. They're both playing basketball this winter...actually, must go and run errands before a practice tonight.

Since I'm fairly sure no one is reading here lol I'm going to rant on...

So I'm not sure what is up with my up and down desire for another baby. Just within this morning, I went from thinking I was really done and felt good about it to wanting to be pregnant RIGHT NOW! lol I have no idea what's up with me.

I know I'm trying to let it go and let whatever is meant to happen, happen. But, for many reasons, that's hard to do. It's hard for most people to do. About most things.

For me, I think what I'm most concerned about is the time factor. I mentioned something to dh the other night about him not wanting to take risks in regard to birth control. His response was "not yet". I don't get that. I'm going to be 36 in just over two months, it's not like I'm 25 and we could do this anytime in the next 10 years. I sort of want to know, in a general way, where my life is going. Do I let myself step out of this baby time, looking forward and just try to let it go? Or are we going to be doing this for a bit longer? I know none of us can know, with certainty, what tomorrow, next month, next year holds. But I just want a vague idea lol. I'm a planner, yes, but most people would want this hashed out in some way.

Even without the age issue, I have issues with certain times of the year. I want to garden and preserve...so Summer and early Fall would be a bad time to be either green feeling or heavily pregnant. I know many women can do all that and feel perfectly fine, I'm not so sure I could. I wouldn't want to get pregnant in the Spring when they're spraying God knows what all over the fields. AND I can't be due in the middle of winter because my midwives are over an hour away and I'm half an hour from the hospital. So...lol that looks like I'm screwed doesn't it. I've covered every month I think. I guess there' s not a spectacular time to be pregnant, and I'd get by no matter what. The Spring spraying and the bad weather are my biggest concerns. Getting pregnant this month or next would probably be ideal but there's NO way dh is going to be onboard with that. And wait until next year? hmmm. Mid summer would probably work well too though...I could get through the fatigue and "morning" sickness to get things harvested and canned I think.

Dumb. This is all just dumb planning for no reason. I have no idea what I want or what he wants. Crazymaking (as I'm sure anyone reading this would agree..I AM stark raving mad lol)

Now back to my not-so-insane life :) I have a seed order to place and preparations to make for my first big gardening year. I'm really excited!!

I've had a very....enlightening few weeks. I've been excited about this year because I've finally decided to put some work into ME. And not in the usual sense, not concerning weight or appearance. I'm going to put more time into figuring out what I can do to be happier and mentally healthier. I've started reading some books that have already had an impact on me, on my thinking anyway. I'm trying to implement these new thoughts and make some positive changes. It's hard to talk about, or type about, because I can't completely explain it myself. But these things I'm reading seem to be resonating with me, I'm feeling drawn to these types of changes and this way of thinking. I feel happier in just the short time I've been treading these waters. Of course, big changes aren't always easy and I'm seeing that there's big work to be done. I'm looking forward to it though, and hoping I can stay in this place.

I'm trying really hard not to dwell on things I should or should not do in the future. I truly feel those things are already written and I can't change them even if I wanted to. So obsessing about whether or not to have another child is pretty useless. I'm just open to whatever is supposed to happen. I've always thought that if a spirit needed in badly enough, it would find a way. I'm just going to remain open to it, open to anything really.

I know I might sound silly to some, but it's just so neat to finally "get" these things (as much as I can this early on anyway). It's a work in progress and I'm hopeful!

Everything is as it should be...