I’ve been thinking a lot lately about other people. I know it’s a lost cause, trying to figure people out, but I keep plugging along hoping at some point I’ll stumble upon some epiphany. It hasn’t happened yet, but maybe someday…

What’s bugging me lately is the perception other people have about what we’re trying to do, how we live, how we raise our kids, etceterah etceterah…

Okay, and when I’m talking about people, it’s mostly my mother in law lol But it’s also some of my family as well. I really try not to dwell on it, but I hate people to get the wrong idea and run with it. That’s evidenced by my taking MY time to print out pages of studies/info about Downs to give to my mom’s friend who insists Lily has Downs because I didn’t get the Rhogam shot. So many things wrong with that, but the fact that I took MY time to try to show her the error of her ways when she’s just a small minded know it all…I really shouldn’t do that, I shouldn’t care so much about correcting misinformed people. But I do. Anyway…so these “people” seem to have the idea that we were forced into downsizing and that we really don’t want to live this way. UGH! We’ve been planning this for AGES. At least several years anyway lol. And yes, there have been some financial pitfalls along the way we hadn’t anticipated. But to think we just “had” to do this and we really don’t want to? Dumb. They don’t understand any of this. I love my brother, but I always get the idea talking to him that he doesn’t understand our choosing this in the least. They’re the polar opposites of us, so of course it’s to be expected that they don’t “get” it. They think, who would want to live on little money, in a small house, without a big savings account? They don’t get the fact that we’re trying to show our kids you don’t have to work all your life away in a job you don’t like just to pay for big things.

I’m not saying this is right for everyone, or that it’s perfection, but it’s something we CHOSE to do. Just like it was their choices that resulted in them working constantly, putting their kids in school and day care and living the way they live. I just hate being so in the minority that almost no one gets where we’re coming from or why we do what we do. I hate being looked down upon because we won’t just do things “like everyone else does”. It’s an uphill swim to be sure. And sometimes you just want to stop having to paddle so damned much.

We need to find a place that’s more hippie centric lol

I swear, I think I’m bipolar on this one issue lol. Of course I had to catch a repeat of one of those Duggar family specials. If you haven’t seen them, this family has 17 kids and they do shows on TLC about how they live, etc… As a by the by, if you do catch these types of shows, look for the Heppners. They have 12 kids iirc and I just love them. The Duggars are a source of discourse and discord on many parenting boards and some people love them, and others think they’re a bit wacko. If you know me at all, you know I wouldn’t live like they do lol but anyway… I watched the show and of course, now I want another baby. I figure, if they can have 17 and they’re not killing each other, why can’t I have 5?! Ugh
I was feeling FINE with being done; pretty sure I was finally moving past the old baby love. But no. Here we go again. Am I ever going to just get freaking OVER this?!?

I don’t know. I really don’t think Scott wants more, even though he tells me “you never know” when I go to get rid of Lily’s baby clothes. The man is making me crazy. I told him he’s really sending me mixed signals. I think he’s just feeling maybe a twinge of want, but is really done on a deeper level. It’s mainly a time issue I think. He feels, and he’s right on some levels, that we don’t get enough time to spend with the other kids as it is and that we’re not spending as much quality time as he’d like. Of course, he’s working a lot lately and that won’t always be the case and his idea of the right amount of “quality time” is way more than most dads. He’s a great dad and is always trying to do more with and for the kids. So in his mind, there’s not enough time. Whereas most people looking in from the outside would say SURE there’s enough time and he’s doing all the right things. If that makes sense…

I’ve said before the part that makes me saddest about having another baby is that both our families would think we shouldn’t. It makes me sad because I wonder if they just think we’re awful parents or something. I know most of this comes from their discomfort at our parenting styles and our homeschooling. They’re all of the traditional set; spanking and public school are good things to them. So I’m not sure it’s that they think we’re “bad” parents as much as they think we’re just doing things wrong. I actually hope that’s the case, I hope they realize we’re doing all we do out of love for our kids. And to be perfectly honest, most people moving on to have more than 3 kids are getting this same flak from their families. So it’s not just us. But still, the fact that a new baby would not be greeted with welcome saddens me.

And financially, we struggle. It’s gradually getting better, but it’s not perfect. Is anyone’s financial situation perfect though? I mean, even those people in my family who seem to have the “good jobs” have gone through layoffs and company takeovers and periods of unemployment. You can’t rely on most jobs anymore and this is why we’re choosing to lower our bills so that we need less money (i.e. we could get by on much less than most of the families I know just because our monthly outflow is pretty low comparatively. We could get by on a fast food job actually lol). Our main obstacle is that, egad, we want to be home with our kids! But having one of us home and the other gone less than 40 hours a week is more important than any number on a bank statement.

Anyway. I guess I’m trying to rationalize having a fifth child lol. What I’m really trying to do is get more organized within the house and see if things running more smoothly makes Scott more apt to forget the birth control lolol

Hit my lowest weight in a looong while and all I want to do is eat. Everything. Ugh.

This weight thing is hard. I can’t get people to understand that. Well, people who haven’t struggled with weight. It’s really hard to keep going, seems like such an uphill battle and…I don’t know. Maybe just having one of those days.

I think we’ve decided to be done. I feel good about it but I guess all the thinking about it has resulted in my dreaming about being pregnant and having babies almost every night lol The other night I had twins! We do need to think about doing something more permanent though, because, knowing us, we’ll end up pg again if we don’t do anything more than we’ve been doing. Resistance to our crazy fertility is futile for all but the most drastic of birth control measures it seems lol.

Everything else is okay. Currently trying to plan the front flower garden. The few bushes I planted initially are looking sparse and it all needs to be more planned out. I’m rubbish at figuring out what should go where though. Online plans are helping somewhat but wow, it’s complicated lol I want it to bloom Spring through Fall, I want some evergreens for winter color, I want some herbal flowers/plants, I want perennials as well as annuals…let’s hope I can do this lol