I'm feeling very hopeless today. I'm feeling hopeless about the state of our nation and the direction it's headed.

I hear Democrats being happy about preserving the right to filibuster. Preserving? There should be no preserving. It's a right, pure and simple. If Democrats were in power you'd see the same Republicans who are blasing the right to filibuster singing it's praises. I'm sick of the double standard in this country. If my party's doing the screwing, it's good. If your party is, it's bad.

I'm worried because the old saying "power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely" is showing itself to be more and more true. I'm actually afraid of what this country is going to become with several more years under this administration. My only hope is that people wake the fuck up before the next election for Senators and Representatives.

I honestly would like a real life Republican..not the ones on TV who have millions of dollars...but a middle class Republican to tell me why they think this president is doing any good, what is he doing, what will he leave behind that's of any value. He doesn't care about the environment, he doesn't care about the poor, his education plan is ridiculous, his foreign policy a joke. So if he gets his judges in the high court and manages to make abortion illegal again...is that all? Is that worth all the other problems he's ignoring, or worse yet, causing? I'm pro choice to my core, but abortion isn't THE issue to me. There are far more damaging things he can and is doing to this country than fighting to get abortion illegal. And he won't even succeed at that in my opinion. So what then? What will his legacy be?

I'm scared and worried and damn angry about where we're headed as a country.

I can never quite get a grasp on my ebbs and flows. Last night, while holding my sleeping baby and watching As Time Goes By I just felt so happy. Giddy even. Just excited by the possibilities spread out in front of me like so much chocolate. I wondered then why that seems to happen and what I did to deserve feeling so good? There was nothing different, nothing I had done or hadn't done to provoke those feelings of well being.

And then this morning, I felt desolate and a bit sad. Again, for no real reason. Nothing bad is going on in my life, I lead a pretty charmed existance relative to others I know.

I don't like these extremes of emotion. And they're not even extreme exactly, just opposite enough to be palpable but nothing more.

It's nothing to be really concerned about, but I just wonder why it happens when there seems to be no external or even internal reason for it.

And obviously, I 'd rather feel like I did last night all the time. That would be nice.

I hesitate to cop to my love of As Time Goes By as it 's not something I would normally be drawn to. I stay up late to watch the damned thing! But I have to say that it is funny, and as it's from the BBC I just love it. This feeds another quirk of mine - that's I'm an avowed Anglophile. Ever since I was in my early teens my biggest dream has been to travel to the U.K. I read the Guardian online, I mainly read Irish and English chick-lit writers, I just love it. I have a feeling I lived out a previous incarnation in England somehow, I just feel this pull. A part of me is afraid when I finally do get to go it just won't live up to the mental image I have of it. Kind of like when you re-visit places from your youth and they're just not the same as how you'd remembered them. I think I'm willing to take the risk though.

So we finally got the "yard" taken care of. Scott used the bush-hog to get the main part of it, then I had a muscle-jarring few hours of quality time with a brush cutting mower. Most of the brush and tall grasses are gone for the time being. Still lots to rake up but we're working on that between rain showers. Normally I'd just let it mulch but there's just too much.

So yesterday while I was out there raking, I think I got a new message from the God, The Universe and Everything. I paused in my efforts to take a look at how much I had gotten done (or not gotten done as was the case) and I was just taken aback at how peaceful and beautiful it is out there. I can only see my brother's house across the way and other than that it's all trees and gently rolling farmland. You could hear so many different birds and the breeze in the treetops and that was about it.

I was just really SURE, you know? I felt that this is totally the right decision for us. Even though it seems no one "gets" our doing it. I think many people feel we're doing it because we have financial troubles. While we do tend to have our share of financial difficulties, that isn't our reasoning. This all might make sense to everyone if we didn't have financial problems in that sense. They'd understand that we're trying to live simply, that we want to be financially independant, that we don't want to be tied to the infrastructure and the grid. We want to be sustainable. But since we're not rolling in the dough, they all think we're forced into this. We're not really...we could have made it work where we live now but we'd always be skint and we'd never get to do the things we really want to do, like travel and enjoy our family.

So we're moving ahead with everything. Should have everything together to finally get the permit here shortly then after we have the grading done we can move the house onto it's final destination and we can get to work on it. Happily, we don't have a real time limit on the permit so we can do the septic anytime we're able. Of course we can't live in it until we get the final occupancy permit, but still.

It’s one of those gray, rainy days. Normally, I really enjoy these days for some reason but today we need to go out and mow at the new place. It seems like every chance we get to go out there, it rains lately.

I keep wondering if we’re getting all these messages from the universe and we’re just not heeding them. Earlier this week we found out some of the neighbors out there are not too happy about us moving a mobile home out there. It’s not like these are big expensive homes and they’re worried about resale, most of the surrounding houses are old farmhouses that have been in the families for generations. And they don’t come to US to get to know us or find out what our plans are, they just complain to the zoning commissioner that we’re going to “junk it up” out there. Nevermind that they know my mom who’s lived out there for almost 20 years and my brother who built a house there several years ago, nevermind that they don’t take the time to find out what our plans are…they just don’t want a mobile home there, period.

So there’s that.

Then the fact we have to get this uber-expensive septic system because of the soil and lot dimensions (it’s 1.8 acres but there are issues with the grade and everything). Sure, $9000 may not sound like a whole hell of a lot to some people but to us, it is.

And some other issues we’re coming up against as well.

But I keep wondering, is it the universe telling us it’s a bad idea or society just chafing against our desire to break out of the system? I’m not sure. And there’s no way to tell for sure anyway.

I keep getting these stress headaches over all this stuff. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking and re-thinking this stuff.

We just don’t have the money to do this, which is so ironic because we’re doing this because we don’t have money but we can’t do it without money.

I want to run.

Feeling muuuuch better today. The ball finally started rolling and took PMS with it. The first two weeks of my cycle are so much more relaxing and enjoyable.

So, what's new...

Well, the MH is on our land. Not right where I want it to be, but it's a move in the right direction. We've got the attorney lined up to do the deed transfer, then I just need a couple MORE things to turn in to the Health Department and we're ready to go. Coming up with the cashola for the septic system, a whole nuther story. We're going to go with a leechbed system instead of the more expensive mound system because we're not planning on using the septic a whole lot (will have at least one composting toilet fairly early on and will put a filter on the washing machine drain for all that lint and such...two things that will really help keep the septic tank healthy for as long as possible). The Health Dept guy was actually happy about composting toilets, he said sure those will save years of your septic tank's life! But you still need the same size septic...it's the law dontchaknow!

Other than that, I've been watching Joe Biden a lot lately and I like him. I'd like him in 2008! I know he's had his share of issues but which politician hasn't? I still say Bill was a fabulous president, even with his predilection for oral gratification from non-spousal entities (how's that for avoiding a naughty google? lol). No one is perfect, and I don't expect any more from one who would be president.

I'm worried that as quickly as things are going downhill in W's administration there may not be much we can do. It's maddening I tell you. I really do think he's out of touch with reality.

Ah well. I'm off home for the evening!

Is it bad to be jealous of other people's lives when mine seems so comparatively un-lived sometimes?

I think it's bad. I think I need to keep telling myself that their life can't possibly be *that* good and they're just typing up nice. I'll keep telling myself that.

I feel depression playing around the corners of my life lately. Not sure why or how she's come around again. No real reason. I feel like I'm not who I say I am, I'm not even who I say I want to be. I'm playing at it here, hoping no one finds out I'm wholly incapable of...anything.

I watch Sometimes in April in the middle of the night and I cry. Why can I not scream at the wrongness and question the reality of a (g)od who would let that happen then be grateful, kissing the American dirt in my yard GRATEFUL for the life I have? I should feel that gratitude. I should. I need to.

The preceeding post has been brought to you by PMS, the other menstrual sydrome.

What a day it's turning out to be!

And not in a good way.

So we've paid for the MH, we're getting things set up to move it...and today Scott met with the guy who we thought would be the best bet for doing the excavating. We're assuming it might be a few thousand since my brother just built his big house across the street (4 bdrm, 2 bath...pretty big!) and his septic was around $5500 using the same contractor. So imagine our utter shock at being quoted a figure of $9000! Since Scott was actually there with him, I'm not quite sure where this figure is coming from. The Health Inspector did say it was a lot with some "challenges" due to grading and such, but felt confident we'd be able to get a septic system on it.

Someone tell me again why we can't just go straight to our composting toilets and greywater system? Tell me about those damned regs again and why you just can't do anything that might be good for the environment but you have to pay big bucks to stay in the box, in the matrix, in the grid. I am SO frustrated right now!

We will be calling around to get another estimate though. I don't care if this guy is going to be a neighbor out there, I'm not going to pay him $9000 if we can get it done cheaper elsewhere.

And omigod am I starving right now. Usually my oatmeal with bananas holds me over quite well. Three more hours until I can EAT dammit!

Another facet of my-life-as-hell is that I'm not doing such a stellar job of parenting lately. Not that I've every really been fantastic at it, but I felt like I was on the right track. I don't feel that way right now. Just a rough week all around. Of course this is then end of week 1 of 2 wherein Scott had gotten required to work full time, first shift which made for some pretty interesting schedule conflicts so that added to the overall stress this week. Oh, and did I mention I'm in PMS mode?!

CAN THIS GET ANY BETTER?!?

/whine

Crazy week around these parts.

Things moving forward and back, side to side. Nothing major, just moving along with our plans.

Will blog again when stress level recedes.

Glad Scott is gone. Bo will win.