It's been a while!

Christmas is over and the goose got fat. Thankfully, I did not largely due to a filling that decided to become dislodged on Christmas Eve. Every time I would try to partake of sweets, the excruciating pain reminded me "uh, don't do that". So I've been sugar free for the last few days and I have to say, I feel fabulous! I mean, I'm actually in a - hold on to your hats - good mood! So there is good to be found in faulty dental work. Unfortunately, now I have to go back to said dentist for an exercise in sadism.

Who's afraid of the big bad dentist? I am, I am. But he's really good (read: minimal pain) and he's not hard on the eyes. How do I pick these attractive dentists? The one who pulled my wisdom teeth over five years ago was quite a dish as well. Hurt me baby!

So anyway...

Mace's dental surgery is scheduled for January 10th. I'm dreading it even though his dentist is really great and it's at a well respected children's hospital. I don't think any mom is going to *not* dread her child going into surgery no matter what the circumstances though.

Health status at chez Cheryl?

Oldest kid getting over his cold, other two still in midst of phlegm and snot. Husband finally seeming to get over mystery illness (none of the tests from a couple weeks ago came back with anything) but now has cold and fell down basement stairs last night badly spraining his ankle. Yes, I just laughed typing that out, I'm mean.
Me, after putting up a solid fight against this cold I believe I'm finally succumbing.

And I have to go home, take a package to the post office, make a few phone calls, take kids out to visit my mom...and Scott has to take our nephew to the airport to pick up his girlfriend. Fortunately husband did not sprain right foot so will be able to drive.

So at about 8 o'clock eastern standard time, think of me. I'll finally be home and done with all this crap but I may still feel like crap.

Quick, someone thwack me upside the head! I need a talkin' to, I need some sense knocked into me!

I'm babylusting again. God help us all.

It's just been odd, because lately I've been totally and completely happy with being done! But weird things have been happening for a while. About a month ago when we went to the zoo (did I already mention this? If so, tough shit! :-)) I kept paying for four kids. From the guy at the carousel to the woman at the train ride, I kept handing them money for me and my four kids. "Uh, ma'am? You only have three kids, you overpaid us" yeah, I'm an idge! And when I see people posting online about being pregnant with their fifth or thinking about more than 4 kids I start to think "that'd be me if we had more" until I realize hello! I only have THREE kids! I just always feel like Ihave four running around the house. If I only have the three in the room with me for split second I'll look around for the other one. Just a strange feeling.

Then I keep getting the comment "I thought you had four kids?" from friends I hadn't seen in a while, or "I keep forgetting you only have three kids" from online friends.

I honestly don't think we're going to have more kids, but these things are just throwing me when I'm already feeling the old baby lust kicking in.

So, how can I stop the lusting? I stop it usually after a rough day with the kids or when I look at my checkbook but then it creeps right back up on me. Realistically, I'm happy we're out of the baby stage. I don't like the baby stage all that much. I like being pregnant, I like giving birth, I like the idea of more (older) kids just not more babies. And I want to do other things, I'm ready to start doing things for ME now.

Feeling a bit, just a bit, better today.

Scott and I have argued ad nauseum about this whole mother in law thing, and I don't think it's going to change without my making a stand.

And I don't know if I have the cojones to do that.

I try to feel sorry for her, she's really got to have a pretty sad life. She's extremely negative and is always talking about the bad things that go on in the world. I hardly ever see her smile or laugh. She doesn't see the good in the world, and that makes for a pretty miserable existance in my opinion. So on the one hand I try to cut her some slack. But then I think that's probably a bad thing, you know? If no one ever calls her on her bad behavior and her negativity then it might never change?

To be honest, I don't think it will change. It's almost as if the things we say go right over her head. Scott has been tough with her on several topics, one of which is homeschooling. But a few days later she'll start up about it again. If it were up to me, I think we would just have to cut ties with her. She's not someone I want intruding into my life. That may seem unfair to cut off a grandparent, but her energy is just stifling and it's causing strife in our family.

I just don't know what to do. I've decided that the next time she disrespects me, in my house, I have to say something. I have to call her on it, just so she knows she can't continue to do this to me. So she knows I'm aware of her little digs and barbs.

I think the worst part of this is that she's had an effect on others in the family. Scott's brother used to come visit us fairly regularly but never does so anymore. I can't help but think she's been filling his ear with her "opinions" about us and how we live. The worst part is, I don't even KNOW what her issue is with us! So our house isn't up to her ideal of OCD cleanliness, it IS clean! It's not like we live in a pigsty. And if this is her only issue with us, wtf? How silly is that!

And how crazy that this nutty little woman is effecting MY life like this, that the last two days have been ruined because of her. Why am I letting her get to me like this? I need some primal scream therapy.

I'm so freaking upset I could cry...

So I'm getting ready for work this morning and who should show up at the door but my mother in law. Of course no call ahead to let us know she was off work and stopping by, so the house wasn't at it's most stellar. And she's very judgemental of that kind of thing.

Scott told her not to say anything about the mess because he had been working on the roof the night before and finally got that done. Out of the corner of my eye (I was talking to Mason) I see her gesture at me like "what was SHE doing?". UGH! I feel so much distaste for this woman. I hate that Scott doesn't call her on things like that, doesn't tell her she cannot come into my home and treat me like that! And bear in mind, this "mess" was really only dishes in the sink and some toys out. I had vacuumed and swept the night before so it's not like it was a disaster area. But no matter, if any little thing isn't done, she notices it.

I feel guilty because they're constantly buying things for the kids. Big things. Like for Maddie's birthday they got her a new bedroom set. I feel like she does that so she has strings to yank us around by.

If it were up to me, our relations with her would be strictly limited. Even her other son and his girlfriend laugh and say they couldn't live near her. She is extremely negative and brings that energy into our house. Maddie won't stay with her. Mason gets really upset anytime she comes into the house. Gage is okay with her, mainly because he's her favorite. And Scott just says to ignore her. I can't when she's in my house! He wants us all to be this close knit family but that just won't be happening. I can't stand this woman. She has burned too many bridges in the last 13 years and there's no way they're going to be built back up.

I try to be accepting and assume innocence and all that new age stuff but with her, I can't. I can't even do a good loving kindness meditation for her (back when I was trying to do those! maybe I need to start trying again). I want to be away from her, I want to know her negative influences can't touch my kids. But how can I do this when Scott is still trying to be the dutiful son? He has tried, a few times, to get tough with her but it never helps. She'll back off for a few days then come right back at us. And it's not as if she gets positive reinforcement, we never make the changes she harps about. You'd think at some point she'd realize she' s not making headway and she'd stop!

I'm so upset right now.