WTH? My blog is not working right. Surprise, surprise lol

I will not post whiny vents, I will not post whiny vents. I must think of something positive to blog about.

I mean really. I'm being a big wimpy baby. I have three healthy kids, I have a husband I love, I have a house, a job, food in my fridge. What have I to complain about? You got it, nothing. Today anyway ;-)

A couple weeks ago, I was out grocery shopping with my daughter, my sister and her daughters. We were just strolling through the store when this guy catches my eye...I know him...who is he...oh..my..gosh...it's my ex-fiance. I was engaged to him before I met Scott. Well, I was still engaged to him when I met Scott but I digress..

He looked so much older..granted we're both almost 15 years older but he's got gray hair and everything. He's with his wife and two kids, he doesn't see me or pretends not to anyway, as I do the same thing. I feel an odd glee that his wife isn't thin either lol. And I think at one point I saw him actually hit one of his kids. So there are no feelings of "what if" on my part. More a sigh of relief.

Well, I shouldn't say that. I DID think "what if"...what if I hadn't met Scott, what if I didn't have my three fantastic kids, what if my life had been different than the pretty good set up I've got going now. I know that Greg and I were not going to go the distance, I'm not sure why I accepted that marriage proposal (other than the fact that it was Christmas morning and his whole family was there, in on the whole thing. And this was back when I was really into long haired artist types.) I knew we were not going to make it when he let me be goaded into a decision that I didn't want to make, he didn't stand up for me, for us. He didn't stop me. I blame myself mostly for this particular decision but still. He was there and let it happen. There would always be that hole in our relationship. I do wonder now if he ever thinks about that time and wonders "what if". I do sometimes, but I know that were it not for that decision I would not have the life I have now, not at all.

It was really odd seeing him..I guess I had this mental picture of what he would be like now and it's way off.

I just read another news story and I feel like I could vomit.

I'm so utterly pissed off about this whole Iraqi POW abuse thing. I heard the father of one of the American soldiers say his son was trained to be a mechanic not a prison guard. Well yeah, that lets him off the hook! Sure it does! Just because you weren't trained to be a guard you don't understand common decency, you don't understand that you're not freaking God. I swear it makes me want to shove a boot up the ass of all those jerks over there doing these things. What is freaking WRONG with these people?!?

One of the soldiers said that the pictures were burned onto CD's and distributed to anyone who wanted them. My god! The sickos who were doing it are bad enough, but there are enough people out there who want to see the effing CD's???? And what about these news outlets, do they HAVE to show each and every one of the pictures? I mean really! It's all about the ratings folks.

I think humanity just sucks overall. People will sink to the lowest common denominator quicker than you can bat an eye. But I can't think that, I just can't...I have children. I can't think that people are just mean spirited assholes....well, I can TRY not to think it. But it's shit like this that just makes me more sure I'm right.

No wonder I'm effing pissed all the time lately...

Okay, obviously this is stress stuff. It has to be. I've been experiencing what I can best describe as PMS but this is the week *after* my period. I'm getting headaches, feeling sick to my stomach, having stomach cramping, sleeping badly and feeling totally off balance in my emotions. The only thing different right now is all the running around and stress I'm dealing with. Well, I don't feel stress per se...but I have to be experiencing some somewhere along the line here.

Today I went into a rage for no apparent reason. I got mad at everyone and everything and I don't know why. It felt pretty sucky. I was very close to calling my therapist again and getting some happy pills.

And we're still dealing with Maddie's clingy-ness. She won't let us out of her sight for very long. She screams and hangs on to the van door on Monday's when I have to go to work an hour or so before my husband gets home. One hour! And she's here, at home, with grandma. If we even mention going out together for coffee or whathaveyou, she breaks down and cries inconsolably. She must have one of us lying with her at night to fall asleep. Again, if we can't do it when she needs us to, the crying and screaming starts. I'm not one who can leave my kids screaming for me, but at the same time we've never really changed plans completely for her. After much discussion usually we can get her to see the light and stay with one of her grandma's with Gage and Mason. So it's not like the crying episodes get her the power or anything like that. So what is it?! We've been trying to go with her emotions and be with her and not let her freak for long periods. We've done all that stuff and it hasn't worked. I'm not sure where to go from here. She's afraid we won't come back. Of course this is harder than usual when, lately, I need a night off with my husband. Even a few hours.

I swear I'll stop complaining some day soon. Really I will. I lead a relatively charmed life.