Gay Bear
Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
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Tuesday, April 29, 2003
Monday, April 28, 2003
Allow me to bitch and whine.
I hate being a complainer, it's a trait I'm trying hard to change. But lately things just have been crazy. We had to repair our main water line into the house; an expediture we were totally unprepared for. Sure, my mom helped us out on that front, but it was still a big shocker. Then on top of that, somehow we are totally broke this week. Um, my house payment is due. Ugh! So it'll have to be paid with next weeks paycheck, which will put off paying the utilities we normally pay with that first check of the month. Which will put everything back a week naturally.
I hate money problems, but I think they clarify things for me in many ways. I appreciate that we have things that many people, even many people in this country, don't have. We own our house, we have a nice dependable car, we have plenty of food...we are truly living a blessed life. Sure we live paycheck to paycheck with all too occaisonal assistance from the plastic god, but we LIVE, you know? We're living every day, whether we want to be consumed by money stress or not, we live.
So right now, our house is on the market. Sign is out in the front yard and all that jazz. (note to self, must stop saying "all that jazz" now that Chicago was such a hit. Song will not leave mind) So we'll muddle along until someone decides to buy this thing then we'll move to the country pretty much debt free. That's the plan anyway. We'll see how reality decides to play us...
I hate being a complainer, it's a trait I'm trying hard to change. But lately things just have been crazy. We had to repair our main water line into the house; an expediture we were totally unprepared for. Sure, my mom helped us out on that front, but it was still a big shocker. Then on top of that, somehow we are totally broke this week. Um, my house payment is due. Ugh! So it'll have to be paid with next weeks paycheck, which will put off paying the utilities we normally pay with that first check of the month. Which will put everything back a week naturally.
I hate money problems, but I think they clarify things for me in many ways. I appreciate that we have things that many people, even many people in this country, don't have. We own our house, we have a nice dependable car, we have plenty of food...we are truly living a blessed life. Sure we live paycheck to paycheck with all too occaisonal assistance from the plastic god, but we LIVE, you know? We're living every day, whether we want to be consumed by money stress or not, we live.
So right now, our house is on the market. Sign is out in the front yard and all that jazz. (note to self, must stop saying "all that jazz" now that Chicago was such a hit. Song will not leave mind) So we'll muddle along until someone decides to buy this thing then we'll move to the country pretty much debt free. That's the plan anyway. We'll see how reality decides to play us...
Sunday, April 20, 2003
Monday, April 14, 2003
Why is it that I get so consumed with things? I'll start thinking about some new possibility or change and I become obsessed with it. I think about it constantly. I try to figure out how to make it happen, what I should do, what it would mean...it's crazy.
And I knew I did this long before my darling husband decided to point it out to me. But I can't for the life of me figure out why.
Am I one of those people who thinks the next big change is going to be the one to finally and completely make me happy? But I feel so happy right NOW. I don't think I'm looking for happiness, at least not more than I have now. Am I a change junkie? Now that I could see. But I don't usually deal all that well with change, so why would I crave it?
I just don't know. I do know that I need to "be here now", I need to cherish this moment and be present in it. I think I'm such a planner that I keep planning for tomorrow and never living today. Not a good way to live I think. I'm losing all these moments by thinking about next month or next year. My kids are growing up right before my eyes and I'm going to miss it unless I snap out of this. So here I go, to live in the moment. Or at least try to until next week...or next month. If I can squeeze it in.
And I knew I did this long before my darling husband decided to point it out to me. But I can't for the life of me figure out why.
Am I one of those people who thinks the next big change is going to be the one to finally and completely make me happy? But I feel so happy right NOW. I don't think I'm looking for happiness, at least not more than I have now. Am I a change junkie? Now that I could see. But I don't usually deal all that well with change, so why would I crave it?
I just don't know. I do know that I need to "be here now", I need to cherish this moment and be present in it. I think I'm such a planner that I keep planning for tomorrow and never living today. Not a good way to live I think. I'm losing all these moments by thinking about next month or next year. My kids are growing up right before my eyes and I'm going to miss it unless I snap out of this. So here I go, to live in the moment. Or at least try to until next week...or next month. If I can squeeze it in.
Monday, April 07, 2003
Something else I was thinking about recently...
I am so pro-woman that for a few minutes I thought no, women shouldn't be in combat. Leave the men to that. Women are soulful, mystical, life bearers...they are not war bringers.
But then someone pointed out that it's a slippery slope. If we say women can't be in combat, then where will the line be drawn? Will women be stopped from x simply because they are women? Makes sense, so my mind is changed. Well, that and my femme pride at seeing an interview with a female fighter pilot; you go woman!
I am so pro-woman that for a few minutes I thought no, women shouldn't be in combat. Leave the men to that. Women are soulful, mystical, life bearers...they are not war bringers.
But then someone pointed out that it's a slippery slope. If we say women can't be in combat, then where will the line be drawn? Will women be stopped from x simply because they are women? Makes sense, so my mind is changed. Well, that and my femme pride at seeing an interview with a female fighter pilot; you go woman!
I seriously think that once you hit your childbearing years you become a slave to your hormones; at least where childbearing is concerned. I admire those women who can put it off or even ignore the pull of babies. I really do.
I’m not one of them. I've come to the realization that I' m the type of woman who will never feel "done" having kids. When I was a teenager, I told anyone and everyone that I would never marry and absolutely never have kids. Just wasn’t crazy about them. They were alright, but way too much work for this lazy gal. People said I would change my mind, and I assured them that I would not. I met my now-husband and fell hard for him; we lived together but I still had no real urge to get married. Then I hit the ripe old age of 22. I’m sure the little guys controlling my hormones had been on sabbatical until then. They must have just noticed that they had turned off the biological clock! Oh no! All of a sudden I adored babies; just loved them; salivated over them in fact. Yes, let’s get married so we can have itty bitty baby-wabies!! I was a slobbering mess...
So we got married and had our first baby. It was bliss, it was wonderful! Life was good. Then he hit two years old and the old hormones started churning again. Baby, baby, BABY!!! So we had our daughter. And we were done! Surely we were done, right?! I felt done. For the most part...
But then the old baby lust kicked in again. Baby, baby, BABY! Now we have three kids. Three. From the girl who said she’d never push forth a babe from her loins. From the girl who never wanted a lot of responsibility. I feel like that guy from the commercial...the thought that I am responsible for another human life is utterly ridiculous! But I love my kids...god I love ‘em! And guess what...this time the hormone guys know I’m their bitch. They had me at hello. Baby, baby BABY!!
I’m not one of them. I've come to the realization that I' m the type of woman who will never feel "done" having kids. When I was a teenager, I told anyone and everyone that I would never marry and absolutely never have kids. Just wasn’t crazy about them. They were alright, but way too much work for this lazy gal. People said I would change my mind, and I assured them that I would not. I met my now-husband and fell hard for him; we lived together but I still had no real urge to get married. Then I hit the ripe old age of 22. I’m sure the little guys controlling my hormones had been on sabbatical until then. They must have just noticed that they had turned off the biological clock! Oh no! All of a sudden I adored babies; just loved them; salivated over them in fact. Yes, let’s get married so we can have itty bitty baby-wabies!! I was a slobbering mess...
So we got married and had our first baby. It was bliss, it was wonderful! Life was good. Then he hit two years old and the old hormones started churning again. Baby, baby, BABY!!! So we had our daughter. And we were done! Surely we were done, right?! I felt done. For the most part...
But then the old baby lust kicked in again. Baby, baby, BABY! Now we have three kids. Three. From the girl who said she’d never push forth a babe from her loins. From the girl who never wanted a lot of responsibility. I feel like that guy from the commercial...the thought that I am responsible for another human life is utterly ridiculous! But I love my kids...god I love ‘em! And guess what...this time the hormone guys know I’m their bitch. They had me at hello. Baby, baby BABY!!
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