If I could just have one more thing to worry about, I’m sure I would just spontaneously combust!

This week, I opted to have the 20 week ultrasound. Mainly, yes, I wanted to know the gender of the baby. I had been sure I was having a girl, but wanted that confirmation. For some reason, I had been very ambivalent about having the ultrasound but I kept talking myself into it.
So I go in and as we start the process, I realize that I’ve got a trainee and the woman in the room with us is his trainer. He had some trouble finding certain things and she helped him, then she went ahead and finished. It seemed to take forever, and I later realized that I’d been in there over an hour. That’s a long time for a “routine” ultrasound. But she finally turns the screen to me and I see the baby’s face and arms and legs, and we confirm that we are in fact having a girl. Yay, right?
Well, I finally get out of there and head upstairs to my midwife’s office for my prenatal appointment. I sit in the exam room for a good 20 minutes or so (even though it seems there are no other patients there at this point) and she finally comes in. We talk about general stuff for a few minutes, then she says it. There are a few things we need to talk about regarding the ultrasound. Ok, hit me. The first is that the tech couldn’t find the stomach (the trainer or the trainee). I could tell this was a problem since she had been trying to move the transducer all over, I knew she was looking for something there at the end. Well, but this could just be due to the baby not having swallowed anything recently or maybe just positioning. Okay. But apparently both kidneys are also dilated. We found the same thing with Maddie before she was born, but it was only unilaterally where this is both kidneys. Maddie’s did resolve on its own and she needed no further treatment. So I’m freaking a bit. They want me to come back in just over a week to have another ultrasound done then if that one is still showing abnormalities then I go to the University hospital for a level II ultrasound.
And oh, by the way, the same blood sugar numbers my homebirth midwives are perfectly fine with? The CNM wants to put me on insulin.
Freakin’ great.

Anyway. I’ve done a mad amount of reading and researching since getting all this news, and I am feeling pretty optimistic. Turns out usually not seeing the stomach usually just means they couldn’t see it, not that it’s not there. And if it were actually not there, you’d see other problems that we weren’t seeing. The dilatation of the kidneys is also one of the most common ultrasound diagnoses, and usually it resolves on it’s own before birth. If not, there are some non-surgical ways of dealing with those problems anyway. But while I’m not totally freaking out, it feels like I just had cold water poured all over my excitement. I’m worried about this, then worried about our moving situation, worried about money, worried about paying for the homebirth, worried about everything. I thought I was having a panic attack this morning in bed, lying there with my mind racing I couldn’t get myself to relax, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. This isn’t good for me. I need to find a way to relax about things…

Yeah, I'm still around!

Feeling...pretty good. I'll be 19 weeks pregnant tomorrow and am glad to be almost halfway done. Funny, I thoroughly enjoyed my previous three pregnancies and for some reason I feel a lot more worry and anxiety over this one. I think it's the feeling my body is failing me, or that I've failed my body, over this blood sugar issue. I can't eat the foods I want, I feel hungry a lot of the time, I hate having to even think about it. Even as I type this, bambina is moving furiously in my belly, though. She's there, and I think she'll be okay. The sacrifice will be worth it.

And yes, obviously I'm still thinking "she". After much thought and consideration, we are going to go through with an ultrasound next week. And knowing how much I can't wait for surprises, how I can't stand not knowing what's in that prettily wrapped gift box, I think we'll find out if my instincts are right and this is, in fact, a girl. Totally cliched, but I really don't have a preference either way. Boys are great fun as well...I just can't shake this girl vibe I'm getting.

We're also moving forward with our plans to move to the country. After thinking about it and wondering if it will still work with one more person involved, we're going ahead with the home as is and will build on relatively quickly. It's being moved and secured this week actually! So then Scott can get to work on the interior changes. Likely we're looking at a move next Summer at the earliest. It's going to be a stretch, but we just can't stay where we are now. We want more freedom, more time to spend with our kids without being so stressed about finances. That's a huge drain on a family, having to keep "paying the bills" near the forefront of your concerns. It takes your focus away from your kids and on more trivial things. I know I'll be happier when we have more financial freedom.

So anyway...that's where things stand. For some odd reason, even with all these worries, I'm looking forward to the holidays. The kids are excited and they're getting some things they want...I think it'll be a good time.