Okay, so I haven't whined about this in a while so indulge me. I'm feeling really awful about it today. I'm feeling ginormous and angry at the world. Not that it's the worlds fault that I eat way too much chocolate and have an affinity for baking things with incalculable amounts of fat and calories.

I'm whining about my weight again. When I first started blogging, I had just started a real effort to lose weight. I was successful in losing 40 lbs that first 4 months until Easter hit. Ever since then, Easter of 2003, I've been unable to regain that level of will or determination. I do for a few days or even a week but then it falls through. It's been up and down since then with a little more "up" these last few weeks. Apparently, I've gained almost 30 of those pounds back. I want to figure out why there are times when I can get serious about it and have great results then other times I can't even seem to get started. I've not had a good stretch of determination in a very long time. I need to get some but I'm not sure how.

It's this cycle of feeling bad about my weight then the negative self talk about how weak and ugly I am then the wanting to stuff my silly self with chocolate to feel better. That'll help, surely! And I can't even get to the point of doing it just for sake of my health. I have a strong family history of diabetes, high blood pressure and now breast cancer and I'm sitting around, fat as hell. I'm not just a bit chubby, I'm fat. Today when I managed to get my jeans on, I looked in the mirror and realized I bear a striking resemblance to a mushroom. Just get that big chunky sweater on quickly, woman!

I have moments where I think my husband should just look past this, but honestly, how can he? I'm not appealing in any way in this state. And can you see how this is leading to...you guessed it...more chocolate?!

I tell myself there are more important things in life than what I weigh..and that's true...to an extent. Life is more important than what I weigh and if I want to enjoy more OF life, I need to weigh less. That's a good motivator too, thinking about all the things I would feel better doing at a healthier weight.

I've said all this before though, haven't I? I KNOW what I should be doing and not doing. I know it. Hell, if I could just stick it out and lose 20 lbs I'd feel better. Just twenty!

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why I don't have the strength to just live more healthfully and accept that I'll need to be vigilant about it for the rest of my life. I'm never going to be like Cameron Diaz who says she eats cheeseburgers and fries all the time and never works out. I wonder if it's all karma related. I have this theory that people who live lives of the rich and famous must have had some good karma from a previous life or something, like they get a freebie life to have little to no worries, just as karmic retribution for some good they've done in another incarnation. I'm believing that so I can squelch the desire to go clubbing them upside their vacuous little heads. lol

So anyway..I don't know why I go on and on about this problem. Things could be much worse. I really have been blessed (but see, even in typing that out I start telling myself "yes, you HAVE been blessed and you're taking advantage of it by not being the best YOU you can be!" that damned inner voice!)