Yet another bout of this back pain. It's so annoying!

And I know it's my own fault. Years of bad posture, this excess weight, lack of muscular support (i.e. no six pack, I'm not even in the beverage aisle) and holding my hefty kids. I still want to be able to hold the kids, so that won't change. But the posture, weight and muscle tone stuff I can work on. I have to work on. This is just one more reminder that I need to take my health seriously.

I had started working out again and that actually aggravated it. So I guess I need to stop the FIRM videos and all the step/weight stuff and start more slowly. I love weight work though…maybe it's that I wasn't doing it with good form. So perhaps walking and more intentional weight work. It's too easy to do it with bad form when you're doing it at the same time as aerobic work. And I need to take my diet more seriously, the quicker I get some of this weight off the less stress my back will have.

I KNOW all these things…so why do I continue to sabotage myself? Why do I know what I need to do, but I never seem to make a conscious effort to change it? And this isn't just health related, it's true with many aspects of my life. I know what I want to do, where I want to go…but I end up doing nothing and hating myself more intensely with each failure to progress as it were. I can’t even seem to stop the damned negative self talk. And why were there times that I was able to take control and do what needed done and other times I just feel overwhelmed by it all. What was different then than now?

These are the things I'd like to figure out, but I don't even know how to do that. I'm stuck in this quagmire of my own making. Part of me says I have to just do it, fake it till you make it and all that jazz. But then I want to know WHY I'm this way, WHY it's so hard for me to make an effort to change.

I guess my first step is the negative attitude I have about myself. I truly don't seem to like myself very much…I like the person I want to be, but not the person I am right now. Why can’t I just be perfect and not have to drudge through all this self exploration crap. ;-)

The journey is the destination.