He's still sleeping so far...

I've been giving a lot of thought lately to his birth. I've had two and a half months now to process it.

I gave birth to him at home, as we had planned. What I hadn't planned, however, was my reaction to it. I had heard many other homebirthers talk about how empowering it was, how having a homebirth was life altering and changed them inexplicably. I didn't feel that. Still don't actually. It was a birth, I had a baby, life continued.

I think a part of it is that I don't feel comfortable being self-congratulatory. But I pushed an eleven and a half pound human being out of my body, with no epidural, no doctor, no hospital. How amazing is that! That we women are capable of pushing forth a PERSON? A whole person? It is awe inspiring. I feel that. But I hesitate to tell myself that I'm amazing, that I'm awe inspiring. I don't feel that way in my soul.

I also expected everyone to tell me different. I expected this experience to change my husband and it didn't. Not that he's not great as is, but I thought he would be impressed by what I did; I thought he would tell me he was proud of me. I thought other people would validate my experience. And how silly is that? Why should I hesitate to congratulate myself just because others didn't? I shouldn't. So I'm here saying it now. I'm strong, I'm proud of myself and I'm amazing.