Nothing much today - just thinking that those people who told me having a third baby was easier than the second were smoking crack. I mean seriously. They're pathological liars, or sadists...or both.

This time of year invariably gets me to thinking about religion. After fielding the question from my mother in law “they do know Christmas is about Jesus, don’t they” I started wondering just what my feelings are on religion and what are my beliefs, what cult do I belong to?

Of course my kids know many Christians celebrate Christmas as the birth of Jesus. Even though the birth took place in the Spring in all likelihood , and even though the Christmas we know as Christmas has more ties to the pagan Solstice celebrations. Yes, even though we know these things, Christmas is celebrated as the birthday of the son of God. Okay, that’s all well and good. But we are not Christians. I don’t think my mother in law gets this. We celebrate Christmas but we’re not Christians. We celebrate the spirit of giving, a time of gratitude and the sharing of the bounty we’ve been fortunate enough to receive. We do the tree and the stockings and the lights, but for different reasons than most people. And I think that’s okay. I mean, what do the tree and stockings and lights have to do with Jesus anyway? But I digress...

My thoughts about religion culminated in my taking the quiz again at Beliefnet.com. Apparently we’re most like Hindus with strong Buddhist leanings. I knew that. But that still leaves much to interpretation, and then just what do we teach our kids? There are no temples in our neck of the woods, but we’re not really temple people anyway. So we have to make our decisions about our beliefs and then teach those to our kids in such a way that they still feel free to seek and learn and make their own decisions about their beliefs. Whew. That’s a tall order!

I think we’ll take what Ghandi said. When boarding a train to leave India at one point, a follower asked if he had anything to tell his people, a message perhaps to take back to them. He said “my life is my message”. And that’s the way it should be; what we do, how we live will be a much more powerful teacher to our children; they will learn of humanity, generosity, love, spirituality by watching us rather than listening to us. Our words can be beautiful, awe inspiring things but our hands and our hearts will speak the truth.

So here's the thing, I'm a fat grrl. Not that I enjoy it, or am a "fat radical" or anything, it's just fact. Having had three kids my bod is just not what it was before and never will be. At the same time though, the "me" inside is still the same "me"...she's just more padded.

I always say there a thin woman inside me dying to get out, but each time she pipes up I stuff her silly mouth with chocolate. And I shouldn't even say "thin" woman because I have no desire to be thin. I want my curvy hips, my large breasts, defined thighs. I would never want to lose those things, but right now those things are lying underneath about 75 pounds of flesh.

This whole body image thing is crazy making. On the one hand, why can't I be one of those women who is good about her body, who appreciates the things her body has given her and go on with it? Why can't I just focus on the health benefits of eating well and moving my body? I have these superficial thoughts of looking sexy, fitting into my size 8 jeans, having people notice me and not treat me like a pariah because of what my body looks like. That's a whole 'nuther topic, but suffice it to say you get treated much differently when you're a heavy person; even in such mundane ways as finding assistance in a store.

This is something I've been thinking a lot about lately in a general sort of way. I happened upon a site with a message board for "Fat Moms". These women relish their "fatness". They are, in their own words, fat radicals. I admire that very much; I admire anyone who's able to look in the mirror and feel good about who they see, fat or not fat. Their thinking makes me feel a tad guilty for wanting to change my body. I've been thinking a lot about this, and I've decided to give up the guilt. It's one thing to just be more than society's idea of "normal" but I have a ways to go. Even at my ideal weight I'll still probably be "fat" by society's standards. I need to be healthier for myself, my kids, my husband. This will only get worse and my body won't work for me if I don't take care of it.

For now I'm just trying to work my body, sweat a little bit, make better food choices, enjoy the chocolate I do eat a bit more, smell the roses and all that jazz.

Can we all just agree that Satan invented the Stairmaster?

Just returned from my first foray back into the gym. Of course only two twenty-something athletic guys were there so I felt the need to overdo it just so they didn't think I couldn't do more than 5 minutes at the lowest setting. Which is, I now know, all I really can do right now. I feel like throwing up. I thought I was going to on the way home.

Thankfully my six week old son slept the whole time for daddy. He doesn't do that for me, but hey, I'm just the mommy.

Being a mother has sucked out my brains and stomped them into the pavement. I used to think I was an intelligent person; worldly, informed, knowledgeable. But I'm not so sure anymore.

I haven't read a good book in a long time; I can't think of a good Democratic candidate for president (although I'm not alone in that); I watch MSNBC but only for the celebrity news scrolling across the bottom. Okay, maybe that's not entirely true, but I don't feel like I can carry on adult conversation. I long for conversation about deep subjects.

At the same time though, I do enjoy discussing the benefits of cloth diapering. I like the crazy/cute conversations my kids can stir up. I enjoy my kids immensely. I would never trade in a million years the wealth they've brought to my life. But I need to get out more!

Man, I can't believe I'm doing this. Lying myself open for all the world to see. But you don't know me, so it's all good eh? The mental picture is worth a thousand words...I hope you get the picture.

So who am I..if I knew that would I be blogging. Just the facts ma'am...I'm a mother to three children, I'm a wife to one man, I'm the daughter of two people who did their best but parents always screw their kids up, right? I'm a sister, a friend, a seeker. And I'm going to spew my thoughts onto this computer screen - pretty thoughts, crazy thoughts, childish thoughts and maybe a few deep thoughts just to throw you off. The lord of the manor awakens...