So here's the thing, I'm a fat grrl. Not that I enjoy it, or am a "fat radical" or anything, it's just fact. Having had three kids my bod is just not what it was before and never will be. At the same time though, the "me" inside is still the same "me"...she's just more padded.

I always say there a thin woman inside me dying to get out, but each time she pipes up I stuff her silly mouth with chocolate. And I shouldn't even say "thin" woman because I have no desire to be thin. I want my curvy hips, my large breasts, defined thighs. I would never want to lose those things, but right now those things are lying underneath about 75 pounds of flesh.

This whole body image thing is crazy making. On the one hand, why can't I be one of those women who is good about her body, who appreciates the things her body has given her and go on with it? Why can't I just focus on the health benefits of eating well and moving my body? I have these superficial thoughts of looking sexy, fitting into my size 8 jeans, having people notice me and not treat me like a pariah because of what my body looks like. That's a whole 'nuther topic, but suffice it to say you get treated much differently when you're a heavy person; even in such mundane ways as finding assistance in a store.

This is something I've been thinking a lot about lately in a general sort of way. I happened upon a site with a message board for "Fat Moms". These women relish their "fatness". They are, in their own words, fat radicals. I admire that very much; I admire anyone who's able to look in the mirror and feel good about who they see, fat or not fat. Their thinking makes me feel a tad guilty for wanting to change my body. I've been thinking a lot about this, and I've decided to give up the guilt. It's one thing to just be more than society's idea of "normal" but I have a ways to go. Even at my ideal weight I'll still probably be "fat" by society's standards. I need to be healthier for myself, my kids, my husband. This will only get worse and my body won't work for me if I don't take care of it.

For now I'm just trying to work my body, sweat a little bit, make better food choices, enjoy the chocolate I do eat a bit more, smell the roses and all that jazz.