It's been a while since I've checked in here. The house could use some additional cleaning and the baby is sleeping, but I'm here instead.
Not sure if I updated, but Lily does in fact have Down Syndrome. It's been a wierd time. Some days I'm totally fine, I can deal with it and all the implications. She's a beautiful baby and so sweet. I love her completely. At the same time, it's totally heartbreaking and unfair and shattering. I see pregnant women and those with new babies and I'm so jealous. I really shouldn't be, I got to experience three "typical" kids, but the feelings are there just the same.
My sister got remarried earlier this summer. She had three boys from her first marriage. She's in her early 40's and she and her new husband want to have more kids. She's pregnant now. It's a weird feeling, I'm not jealous of her per se, I don't covet her baby. She should have more and the best of luck to her. I just want to have my OWN baby not have this difficulty to deal with. Oh well.
I seem to cry so easily these days, I'm not sure if it's the Downs or just post partum stuff or what. And my moods are just so up and down. In the course of an hour I can feel so totally blissed out happy then go to full on depression. I feel those happy moments with a touch of frantic worry, that I can't capture that feeling, make it last longer. I know it's going to be brief when I feel it, so I want to hold on to it.
When I first found out about this, different people made comments to the effect that I should hash out my negative feelings and I kept saying I wasn't really feeling any. And that was true at that time. I don't know if it needed time to sink in or what, but finally those feelings came creeping in when my guard was down. Feelings like...wishing I could go back in time and not get pregnant, thinking that I'd done something to deserve this (and what's with that...she's wonderful!!). For a really bad week there, I was even a bit suicidal...again, I don't think it's just the Downs, I think I have other issues at play here. I am coming around from that low though, I don't feel *that* bad at this point. I just kept hearing that refrain from the Cure song "I'm useless and ugly, useless and ugly, I'm a fucking waste"...not a good place to be.
We have so many other stressors going on right now too. Money's tight, the other house isn't done yet though it is coming along nicely. Should be late summer I think and we'll likely be moving out there. The septic is finally, finally getting installed.