I've been hesitant to blog about certain things and I don't know why. It's not like I have this huge readership (hell, I don't think anyone reads this effer!) but I just feel self conscious about certain topics. I think it has to do with tainting the waters; if I post about something negative and someone actually DOES happen to read it they'll get a certain image of me that may or may not be correct. If I'm angry and I post about something that makes me angry at that moment, I'm sharing something that may be totally temporary. I may not feel that way tomorrow, you know?

As an example...I belong to this email list where one person shared lots of negative details about her spouse. So of course we all got a negative perception of him. So when things were rosy again, it was hard for us to see him in anything but a negative light. I'm still not sure what happened with her; I really liked her and felt a certain kinship with her. I guess I was just too lazy to keep the friendship going.

But that's beside the point. I just hate to share too much, just in case. And the really dumb thing is that I've shared negative stuff before, it's all in the archives. I read over them from time to time to see where I was compared to where I am. Interesting journey.

Suffice it to say, I'm having a rough time lately in my marriage. Nothing earth shattering, nothing union shattering...just your basic we're-annoying-each-other, I-don't-feel-loved crap.

It seems like I know so many people, both irl and online, who have recently or are going to be going through divorce. I wonder what that final straw was, what sealed the deal? For some it's obvious, intentionally or not. There are the blatant affairs where someone is caught or admits to it. Then there are the ones where there was another person but nothing had happened yet.

It seems there's also the ones where someone "isn't happy". I hear that a lot. I guess I'm wondering what that means to many people. At what point does your not being happy become unbearable? I guess I haven't hit that point yet. And to be fair, I'm not really unhappy with my marriage 90% of the time, so there's that. If I was unhappy more than 50% of the time, that would probably be a breaking point for me. I will say that during some of those ten percent times I have fantasized about divorce, not having to deal with it, not having to wonder what another person thinks of my decisions or the size of my bum. Sometimes that sounds pretty good. But I think I idealize it, as with everything in my life. The grass is always a more brilliant shade of green one pasture over. I try to tell myself it's greener because there's more shit over there, but I'm not sure.

Another thing I do when I'm feeling unhappy is that I forget the good things. I realized how much I do this last week. For a long time, I've thought my husband wasn't "there" for me during Mason's birth. I remember him getting upset with me a few hours after I'd given birth about something stupid. I remember him kind of shushing my emotions right after Mason came. So I've had this idea that he wasn't "good enough" during the whole process. Fast forward to this week when I was going through our videotapes and labeling them; I was watching them in bits and pieces to get an idea of the dates for the labels. I get to 2004 and I happen to fast forward to some video of the birth. As I watched, he brought me water, he rubbed my back, pushed my hair out of my eyes, played the music. He really was there for me. I had seemingly forgotten all the good things and crystallized the bad things. And if I'd done that with this birth, I was likely doing it with other things as well. I'm trying to keep that in mind when some of the "bad things" spring to mind. To paraphrase Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, the bad things are always easier to believe.

I think it's part of the work of marriage to remember the good things.

And now if he reads this he's going to think I'm intellectualizing again and he'll ask why don't I live these lofty ideals? Oh well. I'm pretty flawed, that's all I can say. Just remember the good things!! :)

So I know I've been babbling on about our move and all the crapola involved....

But the property has been graded, I repeat, the property has been graded!

Will be going out shortly to take some pics and see the results. Now just 32,348 more things to do...

Other than that, things are going well. Well, other than that and the fact my 2.5 year old will just NOT go in the potty, not for love of Thomas the Tank Engine underwear or chocolate. He knows he's going to pee, he'll grab his tinky winky for dear life, he'll run around trying to avoid it...but he will NOT sit on that POT! I guess I've got yet another who will be in dipes until he's 3.5. I don't want to have to buy new cloth dipes but I'm afraid I'm going to have to.

I'm not going to believe this until I see it....but....

Our contractor is supposed to be grading the property out there this week! And he's the one who was dragging his feet before. The one with the lower estimate! He said last week he was going to do the grading and get our drawing/specs to us this week. It's not a large part that needs grading, just the area over the old foundation where we'll be putting the house.

So, hopefully sometime in the near future we'll be able to get our permits and get the home moved to it's permanent spot so we can start work on it. Flooring and drywall and siding OH MY!

Keep stuff crossed for us that he actually does get out there this week though.

Another year of homeschooling comes to an end. I guess I shouldn't say an end, because it really never ends. But our annual assessment is coming up, which signifies and "end" to this year of our homeschooling experience. Sort of like the Jimi Hendrix experience just without the mind altering drugs. Caffeine could be construed as a mind altering drug, but I digress...

I feel like I actually have something to show for this year, like I'm more prepared to be assessed than in previous years. My 9 yr old is still reading, not loving it as much as I'd personally like, but enough. The strange thing is my 6 yr old is actually reading like a pro and really enjoying it, even though we've never really sat down and "taught" her. Her experience is paralleling my own. I self taught at around 4 and I've loved reading ever since.

They're both working hard on their math; they're doing Singapore which I like so far. I think I just like a curriculum of sorts for math, since it's not my thang. Sure, I get addition and subtraction, multiplication and division...but I just don't seem to be able to teach it organically. It's one of those things I understand, but I have trouble translating to them.

I feel better that we're doing a more structured reading and math program. A book a day plus several pages of the math books. The other things we're still unschooling. The geography, the social studies, the sciences we learn in everyday life.

So this is working for us! I'm a bit surprised by this because I've felt unsure the last couple of years. I've become more committed to homeschooling because it's working, but also because our local schools, both public and private, have gone downhill drastically. I know I wouldn't want to use any of the schools we'd have available if homeschooling wasn't working for us. If Gage shows an interest in attending school, we'd have to really sit down and hash this out and I'm just glad we don't have to for now.

Not to mention how nice it is that we'll have this flexibility as we're gaining more time to devote to the important things, like volunteering and travelling.

I have a million and one things that need to get done and I'm just not interested in doing any of them!

I think I just don't know where to start.

I can't keep up with my own house, let alone keeping up the other property, getting homeschooling done, trying to make contractors actually want to do their jobs, etceterah, etceterah, etceterah...

The neighbor/contractor we were planning on using still hasn't gotten us the septic plans he promised us two weeks ago. When we call him, he's always going to do "some thinking" about it and get back to us. Hellooooo, how much thinkin' is required dude?! And he's never once "gotten back to us", we always end up calling him. I'm not sure what he's doing...I mean, if he didn't want to do the work for us it would have been easier to say "I'm just swamped right now, I don't think I can fit you in"....but no, he acts like he wants to then drags his feet ridiculously. Maybe he's doing this so no one does it, you know? We had someone else out last week, but his is even higher so I'm not sure what to do right now.

And of course you can't do anything without the drawings that will get us the permit to move the house over to it's permanent location. From all I'm hearing, even when you get that drawing turned in, the Health Dept is slower than molasses in January. So we're probably looking at next Spring before we can move out there what with all the waiting around then the money to have the septic installed.

I think the stress from this move is mostly what's to blame for my shifting moods. I feel antsy yet unable to do anything, excited yet anxious, sure yet frustrated. I'm a bag-o-emotions lately.

And to end on a corny note...what kind of shoes to baby cowboys wear?



Cowbooties.

Thanks and good night, from three feet high and rising....

Lately I haven’t kvetched much about my weight.

That’s mainly because I’ve been trying to get to a healthier place about my self image; a more accepting place. I’ve been pretty successful. I feel good about myself, I’m not beating myself up about my weight anymore.

It’s just felt really good.

Well. I made the mistake of hopping on the scale earlier this week. I hadn’t done that in weeks. I’ve gained almost 20 pounds! While I want to accept myself the way I am, I was apparently under the misguided assumption that I would plateau where I was and that was that. Not so.

I’ve upped my water intake and, while not restricting myself, am not just eating willy nilly anymore. I’ve lost a few pounds already, but I really don’t want to get back to that place I was before. I don’t want to feel so awful about myself anymore. I’m going to need to be careful. Honestly, just getting rid of what I’ve gained will be fine – I can’t keep growing out of my clothes!

And I am really all about fat acceptance, I totally agree that society has it’s collective head up it’s ass about health and body size. I know I can be healthy yet carry more weight than the average person. But I also know I’ve not been that great about getting exercise lately, which is a biggie for me. I think if I just got a good mile walk in each day I’d have no problem health wise. And yeah, I like my carbs. I refuse to go on some crazy restrictive diet. Water and exercise are really key for me.