My 4-almost-5 year old, Maddie, is now sans training wheels!! She's just madly excited, and growing older much too quickly.

I was just looking at old pictures of Gage when he was 4 and he looks so *little* compared to how I see Maddie. I keep having to remind myself that in a couple years I'm going to look at her pictures from today and feel the same way I do about Gage's pics. Life's short...

Things I've realized today:

I can make a pretty mean red sauce from scratch with no recipe! Even my son liked it, so there.

After putting in a pinch of black pepper, wash your hands before touching your face for god's sake. Fiiiiiiiiiire, smoke she is a risin'! It burns like a sum bitch.

And last but definitely not least, I freaking hate judgemental people. This one poster at a site I visit is so mean and judgemental in her posts it drives me nuts. She's one of those know it alls who you just know *doesn't* know it all, you know?! I just wanna smack her.

You are a sea sponge!

You are a modern hippy. You love the earth and all
of its creatures, and you could care less what
society thinks of you. You are a peaceful
person, and your body is your temple. You have
very diverse friendships, and you form close
bonds with the people you allow to get close to
you.


What menstrual product are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

My husband and brother are in NYC as I type. So half of the trip down, half to go. I'm feeling less stressed by the hour....

I know another rant against the media isn't getting anyone anywhere, but here I go again.

All this "fat" stuff got me thinking again. How come all the t.v. shows, movies, commercials and videos have absolutely no problem pairing a fat guy with a hot woman but almost never do you see a fat woman with a hot guy? Yet another example of the media telling us one pairing is ok but the other is not. That fat women are not sexual beings, not worthy of attraction. I know, I know, I shouldn't expect more of the media. I guess it just bothers me that so many people buy into it, that if a woman on TV gains a few pounds it's a travesty but men can be as heavy as they wanna be. I admit I'm all hot and bothered by Kevin James (the King of Queens guy) but do you really think Leah Remini would give him a second look in real life?

The problem is that yes, she probably would. You see, most women aren't totally visually stimulated where most men are. At least the men and women I know. Women seem to be more likely to overlook physical stuff if the emotional and personality stuff is there. Men? They usually first see a rack and a hot ass.

Women are so much cooler than men. I wish I were a lesbian.

Methinks I'm ready for Mace to start walking, or crawling, or something. He's almost 10 months old and still doesn't want to maneuver himself around. He'll roll, but that's about it. So mostly his mode of transportation is my arms. And at 25 lbs he's massive and my arms and back are killing me!

There is a tad more drama going on around here. My husband and my brother are going to drive into New York City, into the worst neighborhood in NYC, to pick up my sister and her family who are moving back here. So a nine hour drive, and no one is acting like this is a big deal, like it's a big request to make of one's family. I'm stressed about the drive, the crazy traffic in NYC (where neither my husband or my brother have ever been) and the fact that no one is even appreciative of what they're doing. Well, my sister and her family are not at least. It's a long story, but I'm assuming it's only going to get worse when they do finally get here as far as their expectations of us. Fun fun!

I rode approximately 4 miles on my NEW bike this morning!! Yay me! I've been walking a mile a day for a few weeks but this kicked my butt.

Plus, just as a kicker, we got an amazing deal on the bike. Got it originally on clearance for $25, it didn't work so we got to exchange it for a full price one!

So it was cheap and is a great workout that I can do with the kids when I wanna take it easy. I'm happy...at least more than I was at 4:15pm last Thursday when the lights went out in Ohio...ugh!

There’s been a lot of “weighty” issues around the blogs this week (least the ones I regularly read) and it’s got me thinking.

I think the single most annoying assumption people make about those with weight problems is that we don’t know anything about losing weight/eating healthy/good exercise habits. Most people assume we’re just waiting around for that one hot diet tip or new exercise routine; that we don’t know what we should eat instead of that pint of Ben and Jerry’s. And you know what? That’s so totally wrong. Most overweight people I know are more knowledgeable about this stuff that your average joe. We have to be. We read all the articles, we know plyometric and isometric exercises, we know our resting heart rate and target heart rate, we know the physiological reason the high protein diet is so effective (if not the most healthful). At least, again, most of the people of size I know personally know these things. I know these things...it doesn’t stop me from lying on the couch and choosing not to exercise on some days or going ahead and eating that pint of B&J’s (of course along with an otherwise healthy diet the rest of the day). And I know if I exercised every day and didn’t eat the whole pint I could lose weight. I’ve done it before and I know I can. I’m not going to say my genes make me fat or place blame. I know why I, myself, am overweight. I do eat more than I should and move less than I should. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know anything about health. It doesn’t mean that I don’t walk a mile most days. It just means I’m unfortunately being defined by a few poor choices I make in my daily life.

This is brought into focus by a “friend” I have who recently lost a bit of weight. She now takes it upon herself to try to enlighten me on proper weight loss techniques. Um, I KNOW how to do it, I’m just not choosing to make it a priority at this particular moment. And just because I look heavy, how do you KNOW that I’m NOT working on it? It’s these assumptions that bother me, especially coming from someone who has been where I am and knows more closely what I’m feeling than most people.

I guess my point is, don’t judge fat people. We’re not stupid or lazy, most of us just have a passion for good food which is just one small trait of our personalities, ourselves.

I just put in some quality pint-diving time. Can someone tell me why ice cream is so good right out of the container? I mean really. I can feel myself expanding already.

Gregory Hines died yesterday. He was 57. I think I’m going to go out and rent Jelly’s Last Jam and just revel in his amazing feet. I love tap and this man was just amazing at it. I’m sad that he’s gone on...

Just reading Holly's recent blog entry about her mother in law and I started thinking.


My mother in law drives me bats. Anyone who knows me, knows this. She doesn't agree with any of our lifestyle or parenting choices. She takes many opportunities to say so. I get the distinct impression that she just doesn't like ME personally; that I'm the reason we've made these choices and were it not for me her son would be some 9-5 working stiff who only cared about money and having nice things.


But, differing from Holly's MIL, mine genuinely loves her grandkids and wants to spend time with them. Well, I think she's partial to our oldest (she hasn't wanted us to have three kids, she didn't speak to us for three days after hearing about Macey's pending arrival...still pissed about that one but I digress...) but she does seem to care about them. Part of me almost wishes she would leave us alone though...how weird is that? I don't actually want her doing things with my kids, I don't want her to be an influence on them, you know? I realize that most people with uninvolved relatives wish for more involved ones, but I really and honestly don't. Her values and ideals are so far removed from ours that I'm truly afraid of what kind of effect she will have on our kids. I think it makes me a lesser person for admitting that, but there it is.

I guess I feel that if she doesn't respect us and our ability to make our own choices, then she earns less access to our kids, and us. Unfortunately, while S sees her as annoying, he doesn't see her as dangerous like I do. He would never want to intentionally take her out of our family picture as it were. He puts more value on family than I do, and maybe that plays a part here. But she just really gets under my skin with her comments and actions. I agree to an extent that you choose to pick up arrows others shoot at you, you choose to inflict the pain on yourself. But damn this woman is one helluva markswoman.

"That's how you beat a president who can get as many $2,000 checks as he wants, is to bring three or four million new people into the process, give them a reason to vote, and then you can beat George Bush."

I'm lovin' Howard Dean more and more every time I hear about him. Check out deanforamerica.com and see if you don't agree. Let's get him nominated!!

My mother sat an old box down in front of me, told me I could have what I wanted of it’s contents. I opened it and faces stared back at me. Oddly familiar faces, but ones I’d never seen in my lifetime.
My father was a very private person, almost to a fault. He never shared his life with us, his childhood, his past. He was evasive with his answers to our questions. We never met our family on his side, no grandparents, no uncles, no cousins.
This box contained pictures of his family. His younger brother, his only sibling. His mother. His father. The haunting pictures of his grandparents, my great grandparents...her picture lined with her hair. Hair, hair that I have a physical connection to. What I am made of is also in that 100 year old hair. These people lived and without their lives I would not be. But I don’t know them, I don’t know what their lives were like. My father was born in the middle of the depression, but all the pictures were full of happiness. I only really remember my father as an older man, he was approaching 50 when I was born, but seeing pictures of him as a young adult looking almost Hollywood handsome. These pictures are amazing.
I feel like I’ve gotten to know my father in a much more intimate way than I did in his lifetime, unfortunately for me. I will never know many things, like what took him to Ireland, what led him to teach college level agronomy, they whys of many of the things he did in his lifetime. But I know, even with all his aloofness, that he loved my brother and I. As much as I remember some of the words said in anger I will equally now remember the little things kept hidden away; a poem written by myself as a teenager, cards made by children’s hands, the menus my brother and I made for our bake shop (we sold my parents little cakes made in my Holly Hobbie oven; we were ever the entrepreneurs) and now these pictures. These things were important to him, as I now know we were. Unfortunate that we couldn’t know these things about him in his lifetime.

I’m enjoying these pictures, though. Seeing glimpses of the person he was before he was our father. Half the pictures don’t have anything on the back or any indication who the people are in the picture; this is why I will place the ones we do know in our scrapbook. I want to make sure my kids know who these people are even if I didn’t.

OMG Y..E..S!!! You must read this....it's freaking fabulous!

My mother in law apparently thinks I've let myself go. She hints about hair cuts and nail polishes and make up. She doesn't "get" me.

Sure I used to wear make up more regularly, but I've never been a glam gal. I'm not into that. And certainly not during the last few years in which I've become more enamoured of natural things. I don't want to put chemicals all over me, and I strive to look and feel more natural.

But this has got me thinking. Where and when did women get the idea that they had to put colors on their cheeks, eyelids and fingertips? How did this start? Cosmetics were used as early as the Roman empire, when women would wear face paints to attract attention (a.k.a. men) and we know the Egyptians used makeup. Lighter makeup was used to show that a person didn't have to toil in the fields (and were therefore not subjected to the sun), and early prostitutes used bright makeup to contrast with the higher class women who had paler skin. Reasons for using makeup have been myriad.

It was as recently as the 1920's that makeup became accepted in the U.S. When woman achieved higher social status, makeup came along for the ride. Women were "told", through the mass media of course, that cosmetics were vital to their attractiveness and even their worth. And women bought it, hook, line and sinker. Same thing happened concerning shaving legs and underarms. Magazines and radio (and later TV) commercials told women they weren't feminine unless they did these things.

So we were all manipulated by marketing to use cosmetics and shave our pits. The damage is done; those things are mainstream now. Like I said, I used to buy into all that completely. Now? Now I use a little foundation to even out my skin tone, a touch of eyeliner and lipstick and I'm done. I no longer feel a real need to use more, to dye my hair, to be anal about body hair. I don't feel like I need makeup to run out to the store or to go for a walk. And it irks me that people think it's "letting myself go". I'm clean, my hair is combed and usually styled...but I may have a few days growth on my legs. Why am I all of a sudden unfeminine because of that?

Well, I'm not. Not unfeminine that is. I'm still a woman, my value is not in what I put on my face or what I don't shave off my legs. I'm not going to be a marketing whore, I'm going to do my own thing. I'll leave you with my current fave quote by India Arie:

"Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I comb my hair and sometimes I won’t. Depend of how the wind blows I might even paint my toes. It really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul.."

Okay, need to work on watching my language. I knew I did. I have a really bad sailor tongue. But when I hear my 4 year old chasing our escaped kitten yelling "come back here you little son of a bitch" I know something's gotta give.

oh...man. Can you say embarrassing??

So I wake only to find out I bounced a check. Woofreakinhoo. Let's see...house not selling, old furnace about ready to give out, husbands hours might be cut back next month, a bounced check and a yeast infection.

Stop wishing you were me!

It’s rainy out and I’m bored. I usually love rainy days and have many a fantasy about moving to Washington state where it rains more days than not. But for some reason, today it makes me feel...uneasy, antsy, unsure.
I found out today an online friend is expecting her fourth baby. I actually had pangs of jealousy! What a lousy friend I am. She had her third just weeks after I had my third. I’m mentally smacking myself, why in the world am I jealous? She has an 8 month old and is pregnant. I wouldn’t want to be pregnant now if you paid me. But jealous I am. Happy for her, excited for her, supportive of her, but jealous just the same. I know we’re done. Me? I could keep popping them out indefinitely if I weren’t worried about things like money, overpopulation, an already worrisome lack of time. S is sure he’s done, no wistful looks at newborns, no what if’s in his mind.
In my mind I’m this with it mom, I have things under control. I’m all powerful, all knowing. The reality is I’m pretty sucky at this. I don’t seem to manage my time well, I feel overwhelmed frequently. I’ve just recently been able to take all three to the store at once without having an almost-panic attack. My house isn’t all clean and tidy. Most days I run around like a chicken with it’s head cut off (another mom-ism). So I know adding another kid to this mix, at any point, isn’t going to be do-able.
But still...but still. I don’t think I’ll ever get past the “what if’s”. I sometimes wish we could just be one of those couples who says they’ll have all the universe will give them...but we can’t be. So I just have to harbor my petty jealousy when other’s announce their pregnancies, and try not to feel so guilty about it.

On a related topic, I’ve been thinking a lot about becoming a surrogate mother in the years to come. I love being pregnant and birthing, and since we’re done (see above) I thought this would be a great way to experience it all again. I’ve been conversing with some surrogates and reading a lot to see if it’s something I could do. I was all worried about the post partum stages, and how I would feel after the fact. Right around the time I was mulling this over, by kismet perhaps, a study was released showing that almost all surrogate mothers don’t feel remorse or sadness after their journey is complete. It was on CNN and everything. I thought it odd that it came about right at the time I was wondering if this would be an issue for me. That plus a few other odd coincidences having to do with surrogacy have happened, leading me to think this might be something I want to thing seriously about. I have time though, because I can’t be nursing when I start the surrogacy process. Since the amazing boob boy doesn’t show any signs of weaning anytime soon, I can mull this over and see what comes of it.
I know a lot of people ask “but how could you give up your baby?”. First of all, it wouldn’t be “my baby”, it would be genetically related to me at all. It’s the embryo of the mother and father. You can be a traditional surrogate, where you do use your own eggs, but that’s not what I would be interested in doing. I would be a gestational carrier, I would be renting out my uterus as it were. I would get to have the pregnancy and birth experience, but would get to come home afterward and actually rest, no newborn to take care of! Another upside is that many surrogates will end up having twins due to the IVF procedure, and I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have multiples. My mom had two sets of twins so all us daughters (there are seven of us total) have wondered if we would have twins. None of us have (and we’re all pretty much done having kids).
Anyway...enough of my Monday afternoon ramblings. What’s for dinner, what’s for dinner....

You know a few posts back when I said I was back on the weight loss bandwagon and was going to lose another 20 lbs? Well, I totally lied. I fell off the wagon shortly after that post. I think I might have got up out of this chair and walked directly into a wall of chocolate. Oh well.

So I'm really trying to get motivated again. How did I do that first 40 lbs? How? Because I don't remember and I can't get back there. I really do need to lose another 20, just to feel better and be more comfortable in my skin. But I seem at a total loss as far as how to get there. I was doing Weight Watchers when I lost the weight, and it seemed easy at the time, but I just can't get back into it for whatever reason. I suck!

I have been walking about a mile a day, which is making me feel better. But the Dove promises I eat after the walk certainly don't help matters.

I’m feeling very happy today. I’ve got that pie feeling. Oh, wait, I’ve never tried to explain that “pie feeling” here have I? Well, let’s see...I never do a good job explaining just what this feeling is...so let me think a minute...

Picture a crisp fall day. Not too cold, just cool enough for a nice oversized cable knit fisherman’s sweater. The leaves are multicolored and fall to the sidewalk; they rustle when you walk through them. You live in an old Victorian house along a tree lined street. The house is warm and cozy. It smells like apple PIE when you walk in. That’s one type of pie feeling. It’s the same one I feel when watching The Cosby Show; don’t ask me, it’s just there. My pie feeling has to do with feeling content, happy...just feeling like I’m “home” in my life. And that’s how I’m feeling today.

I have reasons that I could be unhappy for today, who doesn’t. But I’m feeling that the reasons to be happy far outweigh any others. Life is mmm, mmm good! I guess, though, that all my happy feelings are tentative, I’m waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. I think something has to happen to jerk me out of my happy reverie. I’ve always felt this way. But for some reason lately I feel I’m becoming more at ease with the future. I don’t have to know what’s going to happen tomorrow. I can’t know, so why worry about it. Maybe that’s the key to not having all these up and down emotion, just enjoy whatever ride I’m on at the moment. Don’t worry about the next one. Wait, wait just a gosh darned minute...is this living in the moment again? Yes, yes it is. Common theme with me, no?

Appt. of Dr Hager

President Bush has announced his plan to select Dr. W. David Hager to head up the Food and Drug Administration's (FDA) Reproductive Health Drugs Advisory Committee. The committee has not met for more than two years, during which time its charter has lapsed. As a result, the Bush Administration is tasked with filling all eleven positions with new
members. This position does not require Congressional approval. The FDA's Reproductive Health Drugs Advisory Committee makes crucial decisions on matters relating to drugs used in the practice of obstetrics, gynecology and related specialties, including hormone
therapy, contraception, treatment for infertility, and medical alternatives to surgical procedures for sterilization and pregnancy termination. Dr. Hager's views of reproductive health care are far outside the mainstream of setback for reproductive technology.

Dr. Hager is a practicing OB/GYN who describes himself as "pro-life" and refuses to prescribe contraceptives to unmarried women. Hager is the author of "As Jesus Cared for Women: Restoring Women Then and Now." The book blends biblical accounts of Christ healing women with case studies from Hager's practice. In the book Dr. Hager wrote with his wife, entitled "Stress and the Woman's Body," he suggests that women who suffer from premenstrual syndrome should seek help from reading the bible and praying. As an editor and contributing author of "The Reproduction Revolution: A Christian Appraisal of Sexuality Reproductive Technologies and the Family," Dr. Hager appears to have endorsed the medically inaccurate assertion that the common birth control pill is an abortifacient. Hagar's mission is religiously motivated. He has an ardent interest in revoking approval for
mifepristone (formerly known as RU-486) as a safe and early form of medical abortion. Hagar recently assisted the Christian Medical Association in a "citizen's petition" which calls upon the FDA to revoke its approval of mifepristone in the name of women's health. Hager's desire to overturn mifepristone's approval on religious grounds rather than scientific merit would halt the development of mifepristone as a treatment for numerous medical conditions disproportionately affecting women, including breast cancer, uterine cancer, uterine fibroid tumors, psychotic depression, bipolar depression and Cushing's
syndrome.

Women rely on the FDA to ensure their access to safe and effective drugs for reproductive health care including products that prevent pregnancy. For some women, such as those with certain types of diabetes and those undergoing treatment for cancer pregnancy can be a life-threatening condition. We are concerned that Dr. Hager's strong religious beliefs may color his assessment of technologies that are necessary to protect women's lives or to preserve and promote women's health. Hager's track record of using religious beliefs to guide his medical decision-making makes him a dangerous and inappropriate candidate to serve as chair of this committee. Critical drug public policy and research must not be held hostage by antiabortion politics. Members of this important panel should be appointed on the basis of science and medicine, rather than politics and religion. American women
deserve no less.


WHAT CAN YOU DO?



1. Send this to every woman who is concerned about women's rights.

2. Oppose the placement of this man by contacting the white house and tell them he is totally unacceptable on any level.


Please email President Bush at president@whitehouse.gov and say "I oppose the appointment of Dr. Hager to the FDA Reproductive Health Drugs Advisory Committee.
Mixing religion and medicine is unacceptable. Using the FDA to promote a political agenda is inappropriate and seriously threatens women's health."