After catching up on Holly's blog, and reading her post about not being "into" the whole birth and pregnancy stuff anymore, I got to thinking.

Why am I *still* very much into it? I still love reading birth stories, I still enjoy living vicariously through others' pregnancies and births, I still think about "just one more". Though, yes, I do know that in my current situation it's not going to happen, I still do think about it. It's funny that I feel this way even though in my heart of hearts, I know it's best to be finished with additions to our family. I do feel like three is a very good number for us. But I still have those fleeting feelings. And I actually envy women who are able to be done with all the feelings and the babylust.

I believe it's because I still regularly hang out at a fertility based web community. Every time I read posts there, I get the baby urges. I know that I should just stop visiting there, but I've made some friendships with like minded moms and I want to keep up with everyone. Still, it's hard to be with a group of mothers who are continuing to add to their families when I'm past that stage.

I am actually looking forward to parenting older kids and not having an infant in the house. Mace is almost 2 and is starting to be a tad more independent. Getting a shower is nice, completing a task is nice. I'm happy with my three as is, but I guess I'll always have that babylust monster lurking in the back of my psyche.

My husband drives me nuts. Oh, you've heard this one before? Well...you're hearing it again.

Today it was the division of labor. He was complaining before I left for work about how busy he's been today. Which is fine in and of itself, but there were comments made to the effect that I, on the other hand, have been doing pretty much nothing. So I'm throwing this out there, here's what we did today. I'm being very honest, not making myself out to be the martyr here, because I don't feel I've done more than he has, I just feel it's pretty evenly split.

This morning, I got up with Mason at about 5 am. He decided to get up early. Scott, Gage and Maddie remained upstairs sleeping. At around 7:30 they came downstairs and about that time Mason nursed to sleep. He snoozed on me while Scott surfed the internet for just a bit, he did also make breakfast for all of us. After Mason got up, I took him, Gage and Maddie out to my moms. I have to give her a shot of growth hormone that helps with the side effects of the chemotherapy she's doing (almost done, thankfully! One more session). Scott stayed home because he wanted to get the house cleaned up. See, he's a fairly nice guy! So we get back around 1 o'clock. At that time I find a letter from our attorney that he needs some more paperwork for some legal stuff we're dealing with. I stress about stuff like this, especially when he needs it by early next week and some of it I may have to request be mailed to me. So I start looking through paperwork to see what we have – note, I have prepared ALL the forms, etc.. that we've had to submit thus far. I get online to make a couple requests for statements, etc.. Scott takes a shower and heads to the grocery store. Again, great gesture but I do have all three kids to care for and it's not the easiest thing in the world! He gets back at 4:00 and I have to run upstairs to get dressed and ready to leave for work at 4:30.

I don't think this day has been all that inequitable! I did some running around too, I wasn't just sitting on my arse doing nothing. I do admit that I don't have the most initiative and I can live in a moderate amount of mess. But it makes me mad that he doesn't recognize the stuff I do at all, but anything he does is monumental. Ugh. I just realized today that more days than not I'm unhappy in my marriage. I guess I don't really personally know all that many people who are happy in their marriages, but most seem at least content. They enjoy each other's company. It doesn't feel like we do anymore. I feel like I'm being judged a lot, I feel unloved a lot. I can tell you right now with almost complete certainty that were we to get divorced I would never get this far "into" a relationship again. It's too hard. Many a day I think about how nice it would be to come home to peace, no one fighting, no one in a bad mood, no one making mean-spirited comments then saying "just kidding"....just me and my kids and peace. And I'll admit it's not just him, it's both of us. I will always cop to being high maintenance, but I've always been. I often think that one can only afford to be high maintenance if one is attractive; that being high maintenance and homely is a deadly combination. A man is willing to do more for an attractive woman...in my experience anyway. Not that I have experience being a more attractive woman :-)

So anyway. I guess it's easy to put on a front when it comes to your marriage. It's easy to let people think things are wonderful. Just feeling a hit of reality lately, and reality does in fact bite.

WTH? My blog is not working right. Surprise, surprise lol

I will not post whiny vents, I will not post whiny vents. I must think of something positive to blog about.

I mean really. I'm being a big wimpy baby. I have three healthy kids, I have a husband I love, I have a house, a job, food in my fridge. What have I to complain about? You got it, nothing. Today anyway ;-)

A couple weeks ago, I was out grocery shopping with my daughter, my sister and her daughters. We were just strolling through the store when this guy catches my eye...I know him...who is he...oh..my..gosh...it's my ex-fiance. I was engaged to him before I met Scott. Well, I was still engaged to him when I met Scott but I digress..

He looked so much older..granted we're both almost 15 years older but he's got gray hair and everything. He's with his wife and two kids, he doesn't see me or pretends not to anyway, as I do the same thing. I feel an odd glee that his wife isn't thin either lol. And I think at one point I saw him actually hit one of his kids. So there are no feelings of "what if" on my part. More a sigh of relief.

Well, I shouldn't say that. I DID think "what if"...what if I hadn't met Scott, what if I didn't have my three fantastic kids, what if my life had been different than the pretty good set up I've got going now. I know that Greg and I were not going to go the distance, I'm not sure why I accepted that marriage proposal (other than the fact that it was Christmas morning and his whole family was there, in on the whole thing. And this was back when I was really into long haired artist types.) I knew we were not going to make it when he let me be goaded into a decision that I didn't want to make, he didn't stand up for me, for us. He didn't stop me. I blame myself mostly for this particular decision but still. He was there and let it happen. There would always be that hole in our relationship. I do wonder now if he ever thinks about that time and wonders "what if". I do sometimes, but I know that were it not for that decision I would not have the life I have now, not at all.

It was really odd seeing him..I guess I had this mental picture of what he would be like now and it's way off.

I just read another news story and I feel like I could vomit.

I'm so utterly pissed off about this whole Iraqi POW abuse thing. I heard the father of one of the American soldiers say his son was trained to be a mechanic not a prison guard. Well yeah, that lets him off the hook! Sure it does! Just because you weren't trained to be a guard you don't understand common decency, you don't understand that you're not freaking God. I swear it makes me want to shove a boot up the ass of all those jerks over there doing these things. What is freaking WRONG with these people?!?

One of the soldiers said that the pictures were burned onto CD's and distributed to anyone who wanted them. My god! The sickos who were doing it are bad enough, but there are enough people out there who want to see the effing CD's???? And what about these news outlets, do they HAVE to show each and every one of the pictures? I mean really! It's all about the ratings folks.

I think humanity just sucks overall. People will sink to the lowest common denominator quicker than you can bat an eye. But I can't think that, I just can't...I have children. I can't think that people are just mean spirited assholes....well, I can TRY not to think it. But it's shit like this that just makes me more sure I'm right.

No wonder I'm effing pissed all the time lately...

Okay, obviously this is stress stuff. It has to be. I've been experiencing what I can best describe as PMS but this is the week *after* my period. I'm getting headaches, feeling sick to my stomach, having stomach cramping, sleeping badly and feeling totally off balance in my emotions. The only thing different right now is all the running around and stress I'm dealing with. Well, I don't feel stress per se...but I have to be experiencing some somewhere along the line here.

Today I went into a rage for no apparent reason. I got mad at everyone and everything and I don't know why. It felt pretty sucky. I was very close to calling my therapist again and getting some happy pills.

And we're still dealing with Maddie's clingy-ness. She won't let us out of her sight for very long. She screams and hangs on to the van door on Monday's when I have to go to work an hour or so before my husband gets home. One hour! And she's here, at home, with grandma. If we even mention going out together for coffee or whathaveyou, she breaks down and cries inconsolably. She must have one of us lying with her at night to fall asleep. Again, if we can't do it when she needs us to, the crying and screaming starts. I'm not one who can leave my kids screaming for me, but at the same time we've never really changed plans completely for her. After much discussion usually we can get her to see the light and stay with one of her grandma's with Gage and Mason. So it's not like the crying episodes get her the power or anything like that. So what is it?! We've been trying to go with her emotions and be with her and not let her freak for long periods. We've done all that stuff and it hasn't worked. I'm not sure where to go from here. She's afraid we won't come back. Of course this is harder than usual when, lately, I need a night off with my husband. Even a few hours.

I swear I'll stop complaining some day soon. Really I will. I lead a relatively charmed life.

Feeling overwhelmed again lately. Feeling like everyone wants me to do things for them and they just figure I can do it because I'm home. Feeling like no one is seeing that I have needs, I have things I need to get accomplished as well.
I work part time so I can actually homeschool my kids, not so I can be available for every appointment or every babysitting emergency. Well, emergency is a strong word. Of course I'm available for emergencies, but these happenings aren't emergencies!

And I DO want to take my mom to her appointments, I just don't want everyone to take it for granted you know? Just because I work part time does NOT mean I am always doing nothing. Everyone else's wants come before mine; it's just assumed by my family that my husband and I are readily available and that we can drop everything to run errands for everyone else.
It's a situation where I can't really complain at this particular point; I don't want my mom to think she's the one inconveniencing us. It's really everyone else's inability or whatever to pitch in and at least offer to help. Case in point, my mom has to get her port put in tomorrow so they can give her the chemo starting next week. Tomorrow, I'm going to take her along with my three kids because I have no one else to watch them. We're going to hang out at the hospital and it's likely not going to be particularly pretty. An 8 yr old, a 5 yr old and an 18 month old with nothing to do. Yay! Now normally this would be okay, but my brother is actually taking the day off and is going to work on his deck! He's not offering to even BE there to help ME out! I am incredulous over this! It could be worse...like most other appointments we've gone to, I could also have his 2 year old tyrant of a daughter along with mine. Out of the kindness of their hearts, they've gotten her other grandma to take care of her for one day.

Normally my mom takes care of her 40+ hours a week. And has anyone arranged other care for her during my mom's chemo? Because she will be tired you know. No, they haven't. It's been suggested that I come out there as often as I can to help out with her. Granted the suggestion was made my by mom and not my brother, but damn! I'm trying to HOMESCHOOL here people!

My neice has just recently started throwing these knock down, drag out tantrums. How easy is THAT going to be to deal with, for me or my mom? I dunno...seems the spanking and the wooden spoon "discipline" have surely backfired, eh? I've never seen a child as angry or demanding as this one. Never spanked my kids and they don't behave like that, but of course what do I know?

Argh! I'm just angry today. And then I feel guilty for complaining at all, my mom's going through all this and here I’m complaining. But it's mostly about the other family members and not her :-)

Sometimes I get mucked up in the everyday-ness of my life, the way it seems I do the same five things over and over and over again.

But then I look up. I look up and see clouds rolling across the sky, or I look up and see the moon and see the three dimensional aspect of it, not just a crescent but a sphere in a spotlight. And I realize I'm on this planet, this glorious planet that's hurtling through space. I'm a tiny thing, a speck.

I realize I need to relish more, grab life by the proverbial balls. I need to plan that trip to the UK, even if I don't get to go this year. I need to find interesting things to do and interesting people to do them with. I need to not get so mucked up in the everyday-ness of my life.

The other day I was in a local store and saw a couple with two kids. Not an extraordinary occurance. The mother and father were people of size, but they just radiated a happiness that I don't see often. It just made me smile, and made me realize that we are just so much more than these bodies are capable of revealing. Size, heavy or thin, is just such an utterly unimportant factor but yet we're all judged by it.

A friend of mine posted to a message board about weight and health. She's about 20 lbs lighter than I am and the same height, 5'9". But she’s still considered "overweight". Her post was asking whether or not you could be clinically overweight but still healthy. She eats right, she works out at least 3 times a week, most times with a personal trainer. But she's still heavy, partly due to having PCOS. The consensus seemed to be no, she can't be healthy and overweight. That overweight automatically equals unhealthy. This is so ridiculous. By their thinking, she's still less healthy than a person of lesser weight who is a couch potato and eats Twinkies all day. Gimme a break. But some of these people are also ones who believe size 14 is plus size. Their opinions, though, are probably indicative of society at large. The assumption is that heavier people are less healthy just by virtue of their weight, not their lifestyle. To some extent, I can agree with that. I'm not going to say that weighing 300 lbs is ever going to be good for your blood sugar, your blood pressure or your body overall. But to just assume poor lifestyle choices based on outward appearance is just wrong.

I did enjoy one woman’s post. She called women of size "goddesses" and Referred to "goddess sized clothing" instead of plus sized. I liked that. This woman also is one who eats a natural, organic diet and does get regular activity. She’s just not a size 8. I find it sad that we all seem to want to get to somewhere we’re not, some weight we’re not, in order to be happy and love ourselves. And I’m definitely part of that mindset. I’m just not sure how to go about getting OUT of that mindset...

It's almost 6 and I?m desperate to go home and lie in my nice warm bed and not worry about my aching back or my aching throat.
I came to work armed with a pocket full of throat lozenges and a Tiger Balm patch on my back...the drops are gone and the patch stopped working. And two hours yet to go. Wahhhh!
I'm really hoping against hope the chiropractor can make this all better tomorrow. Well, the back at least. Not sure what he could do about a raging sore throat. And no other symptoms! It's not a cold or flu, just this sore throat from the devil himself.
Although I am pretty much alone in a quiet library, reading this laugh out loud book by Marian Keyes (I'm totally stuck on Irish authors lately...) and I can sorta relax. I'll try that...

Yet another bout of this back pain. It's so annoying!

And I know it's my own fault. Years of bad posture, this excess weight, lack of muscular support (i.e. no six pack, I'm not even in the beverage aisle) and holding my hefty kids. I still want to be able to hold the kids, so that won't change. But the posture, weight and muscle tone stuff I can work on. I have to work on. This is just one more reminder that I need to take my health seriously.

I had started working out again and that actually aggravated it. So I guess I need to stop the FIRM videos and all the step/weight stuff and start more slowly. I love weight work though…maybe it's that I wasn't doing it with good form. So perhaps walking and more intentional weight work. It's too easy to do it with bad form when you're doing it at the same time as aerobic work. And I need to take my diet more seriously, the quicker I get some of this weight off the less stress my back will have.

I KNOW all these things…so why do I continue to sabotage myself? Why do I know what I need to do, but I never seem to make a conscious effort to change it? And this isn't just health related, it's true with many aspects of my life. I know what I want to do, where I want to go…but I end up doing nothing and hating myself more intensely with each failure to progress as it were. I can’t even seem to stop the damned negative self talk. And why were there times that I was able to take control and do what needed done and other times I just feel overwhelmed by it all. What was different then than now?

These are the things I'd like to figure out, but I don't even know how to do that. I'm stuck in this quagmire of my own making. Part of me says I have to just do it, fake it till you make it and all that jazz. But then I want to know WHY I'm this way, WHY it's so hard for me to make an effort to change.

I guess my first step is the negative attitude I have about myself. I truly don't seem to like myself very much…I like the person I want to be, but not the person I am right now. Why can’t I just be perfect and not have to drudge through all this self exploration crap. ;-)

The journey is the destination.

btw, just to get some comments going ;-) anyone know where my blog title comes from? Extra gingerbread cookies to the first one to get it without googling...

I was just checking out my cool friend Kym's blog and reading some of the blogs on her list and I get to wondering where people get the names for their blogs, you know? They're really super neato names, but I wanna know! lol

Also. does anyone know if cats ever need c-sections or inductions?! lol My cat is definitely past her birth-by date and I'm getting worried. And still kicking myself that I didn't get her in to the vet before she got out that night...argh!

Off to edumacate my chillins...

So I'm inordinately excited about getting a new couch. Well, a new-to-us couch. Brother-in-law and his girlfriend decided they needed to replace their almost-new couch with a very-new couch so we commandeered the almost-new couch. Woohoo! It's comfy, pretty and...ahem...light beige. Light beige couch, meet three kids.
I've already set down some ground rules for what can and cannot be done on the couch. They're having trouble getting it straight, as would be expected.
But for now, the couch looks great and I'm loving my living room again. Don't take much to please me.

I turned thirty two
it passed by barely noticed
I feel bitchy

I'm writing haiku
to keep my brain occupied
I don't want to think

I'm not a small child
Birthdays are not important
I was born, that's all.

Wanna know why I'm a total and utter bitch? Because I hate reading blogs of people who are succeeding in areas in which I struggle relentlessly.

Yeah. I'm a bitch. That's me.

Why am I like that? I should be able to rejoice for others and be happy that they're reaching their personal goals. But I'm not. There. I've said it. Okay, okay...on some level I AM happy for them...but then I get all depressed about my own inadequacies. Because it's all about me, dontchaknow. All me, all the time. (can you hear me sucking from where you are? How about now? Now?)

(bitch!)

Doing much better today.

We have a weird marriage. It's a study in extremes, which isn't good either. We had just had a tiff yesterday and I started thinking all these dark extreme things and that's where the separation stuff came in.

Today we're in love again.

It's funny because our marriage just feels...odd. Like we never really discussed things, our relationship just morphed naturally. Gawd, I can't explain what I mean. I can't really imagine one of us seriously sitting down and telling the other one they want a divorce, I mean, we'd both bust out laughing. It's more like it would just happen, we'd drift apart, separate then divorce without really having a big, emotional blow out over it. To be honest, I don't see that happening either. Yeah, we have big angry fights but then we have big happy love the rest of the time. At least I think so ;-) I can't assume to speak for Scott, but we seem to be on the same wavelength on a lot of things.

I guess I'm saying the happiness makes up for the bits of unhappiness.

Whatever. I guess I'm just feeling much better today and wanted to wax on about it...

I'm tired. Tired of trying to figure out who did what wrong and when. It's like trying to solve a puzzle without all the pieces and it's highly frustrating.

The finances are tight, so I get a job. But because the job is one I actually LIKE, it’s considered "fun" and not like a "real job". Even though the money helps us get our bills paid. So I rightly point out that if he doesn't like to be home with the kids, he could have gotten a full time job and then I would have stayed home longer.

The type of exercise I do isn't right, the way I play with the kids isn't right, the way I parent isn't right, the way I teach the children isn't right, the way I AM isn't right. It's not that he's mean and says these things outright, but he alludes to them frequently. And as much as I know it shouldn't be important to me, that I should feel good about the things I do without some outside pat on the head, it does hurt that I don't hear positive things. It's mostly negative reinforcement. And sure I'm to blame too, he's not this evil guy who is just on a reign of terror. I'm pretty slob-ish; I like the house orderly but I'm not going to get upset if it doesn't get done. So we're incompatible there. I'm not very organized and I know that effects things like homeschooling and the orderliness of the house itself. Honestly, I'm not all that attractive and I have let things like my weight get the best of me, so I know those things play a part in his not being attracted to me. Those are things within my power to change, but I just don't. So I do bear half the blame in our current state of unhappiness.

I'm not sure what I see for the future. I read these marriage books about what we should be doing and how we should be communicating, but I don't think it can be a one way thing. I mean, if I start using these tools but he doesn't isn't that doomed to failure? He just seems like he's resolved to see this through because he promised he would; he's told me that very thing. But I don't want a pity marriage, that just sucks. It sucks that at night after he falls asleep, I lie there and imagine what I would like to have in a marriage...with him, but just with different reactions. Like that maybe he would reach out to me and touch me and tell me he thinks I'm wonderful, that I'm pretty, that I'm a good mother...you know, pretty much lie through his teeth ;-) And I know it's dumb that I want or need those types of affirmations, but I truly feel like a nothing in our marriage. I feel like an afterthought.

So lately I've thought about going and staying with my mom for a week or so, just to give him time to figure out what he wants. I mean, we're all there all the time, maybe he needs a break to figure out whether or not he wants to see this through. And part of me is scared witless that he'll realize that what he wants isn't me. But at the same time, I think I'll feel relieved either way. I'll either know he really wants me, or that he doesn't and we're better off apart if that's the case.

For some reason lately, I've felt pulled to the skin care aisle. I ponder all the creams and lotions said to firm skin and reduce fine lines. I buy little strips to clear my pores. I look at magazines to find that one great cut and or color that will adorn my head. I peruse the clothing catalogs that i used to heave into the recycling bin upon receipt. Even the shoes on QVC call to me.

Maybe it's Spring? I dunno.

But this is new to me. I used to love new clothes, new shoes, new moisturizers and cleansers. But that was a long time ago. I became a mom and proceeded to totally neglect my skin and my wardrobe. The little pink and blue outfits were so much cuter than anything in my department. And sneakers became my shoe of choice most of the time.

But all of a sudden, I feel like I'm coming out of my cocoon and I need some bling bling to accentuate the wings. I want facials and strappy platform sandals, I want chunky highlights and smaller, cleaner pores. These things have suddenly become important to me Why?! I thought I was this earth mama who didn't care about that stuff; besides, it's full of chemicals, right?! I'm sure the clerks think me crazy when having this not so inner dialogue with myself in the hair coloring aisle. I can't seem to merge these two parts of myself...the one who wants to hug trees and the one who wants big red chemically induced highlights. Need to keep working on that...

At any rate, I'm enjoying rediscovering this part of myself. She's been asleep a long time and needs to have a little fun...

I'm at a crossroads in my homeschooling journey. Last week, we were very seriously looking at schools (or one in particular) for Gage for next year. He's going to be in 3rd grade - or doing 3rd grade work I should say. We don't really "do" grades.
I was just seemingly banging my head against a wall with schooling him. Rather, I should say coming into contact with his very strong will. It was frustrating. He was frustrated, I was frustrated. I didn't like having to fight him to do his work, which really isn't all that much "work". We do lapbooks about continents (that's just learning about the continent or whathaveyou, and putting all the info you think is neat into a folder type thing where you can access it later if you want to), we read books together and answer questions about the book, we measure rooms, we cook with fractions, we talk about clouds when we're driving in the car, we write stories about Pokemon characters (the kids obsession du jour)...but it was still difficult. When he even sensed we were trying to actually..gasp..LEARN something, he would balk. On those days I didn't have my creative juices flowing I'd give him worksheets with math problems and grammar lessons. He would usually go into a 15.2 minute freak out beforefinally doing the worksheets. Did I mention it was frustrating?
But the whole school atmoshpere just left a bad taste in my mouth. I had a very stong instinctual feeling that I did NOT want him in school, at least any of the ones around here. We have no charter or alternative schools here, and all the schools are very much tuned into the proficiency tests which I loathe. I could just see his spirit getting squelched and I couldn't do it. Now I'm not one who says all forms of structured schooling are bad for children. I don't believe that. There are plenty of schools out there who go against the grain, who actually want to foster a love of learning in the students rather than just spit out good little worker bees who will keep the economy going. My nephew went to a school like that in New York City. Where there were no grades, the classes were like in depth discussions rather than lectures, the arts were encouraged rather than tacked on as an afterthought. He thrived there, and I think that school played a large part in his desire to go from their poverty stricken Brooklyn neighborhood to an Ivy league university. The high school actually valued independent thinking and enabled the students to see their value as human beings, not just grades or test scores. Obviously, there are no schools like that in our moderately sized city. And I'm sure that there ARE public schools out there that are trying to do better, that are striving to turn out well rounded people who are emotionally and intellectually richer for the experience. But since we don't have any of those nearby, I realized that homeschooling was and is our next best option.
I also realized that I have to make some changes in the way we've been homeschooling in order to minimize the conflicts while maximizing teachable moments and a more learning rich environment. And I need to swallow hard and get my antisocial self out there in order to meet Gage's need for a social outlet. So that's what I'm going to try to do. I feel that homeschooling is totally right *for us*, but at the same time I know I haven't been giving it 100% of my focus as it needs.

Hmm, what has happened since I last posted?

-My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and has already had the mastectomy. The doc said a lumpectomy would do it, but she just had him take the whole breast. Just to give her some peace of mind about it. She's a strong woman, very brave and very much with her feet firmly planted in reality. I think I must get my sense of realism and stoicism from her (nicely balanced with the over sensitivity and romanticism of my father). We now wait for the pathology results to see if she needs chemotherapy. We've got everything crossed here...

-I started my job and I love it! I totally made the right decision. It's at a small branch library, so it's very quiet and not busy at all. The drive is 20 minutes and I'm even liking that...the driving fast, the not worrying about lyrics of the loud music I rock out to. Then at the library, when no one is there (which is frequently) I can just browse the racks or sit and read...I have to frequently pinch myself. I'm getting paid for this?! Mason has done just fine with it all; this is the first time he's really been without me for any period of time (and this is still only 5 hours at the most!).

-I've lost 5 lbs! I'm trying to be better about my constant desire for chocolate. I'm getting more exercise. I feel pretty good!

-I stopped taking the Zoloft. I never did get used to the idea of a chemical altering my moods, even if it was for the better. It just really bothered me. And I was having touble sleeping. And I coulnd't reach orgasm. Imagine! That was...horrid! So that was enough to make me want to be off them. I still feel pretty well, just a touch more anxious and a bit more short temepered but overall it's good.

And I think that catches everything up. I need to vent/ramble about my marriage, but that's just hard to do. I want to write things down, but it's like it's stuck in my head...all the things I want to say, all the things I want to write. And my thoughts waver from moment to moment so it's hard to put into words...

Anyway...

So....I start a new job on Monday. It's just 15 hours a week, and it's at the Library so it's sort of fun and not really like a "real job" but there you go.

I'm feeling ambivalent about it. On the one hand, I'm lazy and I don't want to go to work! On the other hand, we need to supplement our income so it'll be good in that respect. The hours work out with Scott's so that we won't need childcare or anything like that, so there's a plus.

Overall, life is pretty good right now...it's warming up outside and I'm feeling well inside. Not at all a bad place to be!

You would think that if one were truly concerned about one's ever expanding ass, one would refrain from grabbing chocolate chips by the handful everytime one goes through the kitchen.

You would think that, wouldn't you?

Okay, I stole the idea from Kym....

How to play:
1. Turn on your mp3 player (my Dell Jukebox)
2. Set the mode to random.
3. List the first ten songs that play, no matter how embarrassing.

And mine are:
1. Andalucia by John Cale
2. 100 Years by Five for Fighting
3. Swimming In Your Ocean by Crash Test Dummies
4. Cry by Godley and Cream
5. Have A Little Faith In Me by John Hiatt
6. Leavin' On A Jet Plane by Peter, Paul and Mary
7. Iron Lion Zion by Bob Marley
8. With My Own Two Hands by Ben Harper
9. Sabotage by Beastie Boys

I only had 9 on my current playlist...so there ya go...

I have been such a bad blogger lately!

Life has been really hectic though. Root canals, girl scouts, boy scouts, birthdays, job interviews (egads!) and all kinds of crazy things have kept me busy for the last few weeks.

And I truly think that starting the Zoloft was a good thing for me. I find that I'm not glued to the computer as much as I was before. Part of me thinks that maybe I was using surfing the net and keeping up with my message board friends to allay stress and anxiety; I could just talk about babies and fluff and not think about all the crazy crap going on in my life. But now I feel stronger, more able to confront the "stuff" and enjoy the life being lived with each breath. I don't feel like I need an escape. Ahhh. It feels good!

But I'll try to keep up better here. Lots of stuff going on in my life and I need an outlet; my paper journal is sorely in need of an update, but I type faster so this is easier.

Been doing some navel gazing lately.

For a long time now, our plan has been to sell this house and move onto some land that was given to us by my mom. We were going to put a used mobile home on the property and after a while, build our little eco-house. That was the plan anyway.

So I'm trying to figure out why we're not moving in that direction, even when the opportunity is right in front of us. Near our plot of land, a mobile home went up for sale after the owners had built a new house on their lot. It was cheap and do-able. Wasn't this what we had wanted?

Then I waffled. I started thinking about the actual LIVING in this decades old mobile home. Out in the country. And I got nervous. Plus there was the selling of our house (which looks like it will be difficult) and the shuffling around of finances to get everything going.

I started thinking about how nice it is being so close to the library and the grocery store. That Gage has just made some good friends in the neighborhood. That we homeschool and I'm already antisocial; if we live in the country will I ever get the kids out? And I like our house here, I really do. It's roomy and nice and we just re-did the bathroom. And Mason was born here, literally in the living room.

So I wonder why I get so attached to things, like this house. And why I seem to talk the talk so easily but when faced with a path on which to walk the walk, I freeze. And I wonder what the hell we're going to do about our finances in order to stay here. Is it worth it?

I don’t know. I guess I just felt the time wasn't right. The universe was screaming at me to slow down and not jump into this, so I didn't. I'm not sure what the future holds for us here, but here we'll be at least for a bit longer. I hate feeling unsure about the future, but after we made the decision NOT to jump into this change I feel more at peace. So it was the right decision, even if we're still all stressed out and not sure what we're going to do.

A part of me knows I would have more easily made the transition were it not for the kids. Do we have a right to foist big changes upon them, changes that may not be for the best? I'm not so sure. I could move to a yurt, but I don't think I could do it with three kids. I'm not sure it's in their best interests.

Ah well. Mace is up from his nap and we're off for coffee...

Let me just recap our last two weeks for ya, kay?

-my back goes out, compressed disk. Couple visits to the chiro and a week of ouchies and it got better.
-while said back was out, Gage gets stomach bug, seems to go away okay
-Maddie and I get stomach bug, we both hurl lots.
-Several days later Gage has horrible stomach pains and ever the over worried mom we head to the ER, he's just really constipated
-Scott has to go to the ER same day as Gage for excruciating hip pain, turns out to be (we think thus far) a bad case of bursitis. So far a course of prednisone AND a corticosteroid injection have not touched the pain. He went to work this morning because he felt he just "had to"
-Maddie and Mason get head colds.
-At midnight Maddie wakes up with ear pain.

And yes, that ALL happened in the course of just under two weeks. Did we piss off the gods or what??

"I'm 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are

I'm 22 for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we're on fire
Making our way back from Mars

15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

I'm 33 for a moment
Still the man, but you see I'm a they
A kid on the way
A family on my mind

I'm 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I'm heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life

15 there's still time for you
Time to buy, Time to lose yourself
Within a morning star

15 I'm all right with you
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

Half time goes by
Suddenly you’re wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We're moving on...

I'm 99 for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are

15 there's still time for you
22 I feel her too
33 you’re on your way
Every day's a new day...

15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to choose
Hey 15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live"

This song really got to me today....

My son got a GameBoy Advance for Christmas from his grandparents. He loved it, and played it incessantly. But being 7 years old, he's not the most careful kid in the world. A couple weeks in, he misplaced it for a few days but we eventually found it.
Then, just over a week ago, it was stolen. He had been playing it with his friends at their house (a family we know and trust who live a few doors down). Apparently, another boy was also there. When Gage and the other boy were preparing to leave, Gage left the game by the door to run back and get his other things. He comes back and both boy and game were gone. Of course, boy denies having seen it, and we have no proof, and Gage is just out a game.
I was just outraged! I was mad that this kid would do such a thing, knowing that everyone would KNOW that he had to have done it. I was mad at his mother for being a bit short when Gage (and dh) went down and told her the situation and asked if he had "accidentally" picked up the game with his things (thereby giving him an out). But I talked to our kids about forgiveness and hoping the boy would have a change of heart (all the while not forgiving in MY heart, and knowing the game was gone for good).
Fast forward to today. The boy and his mother show up at our door. He had taken it, and was here to return it. Mom was tearfully apologetic. I feel like a schmuck. I cannot imagine what it must feel like on that side of the doorbell. I talked a good game about forgiveness but hadn't felt it in my heart. I will send them positive thoughts tonight...

An apt quiz for today. Not the pot smoking part, but the Zoloft part. I really didn't want to do an SSRI, but for some reason the doc was nervous about Wellbutrin and nursing (even though I know quite a few nursing moms who take it). So with much trepidation, I took the first pill this morning. It's a very low dose, but I'm just nervous about it.

You are the stoner rock!


::Which rock personality disorder (from the Zoloft commercial) should you have? (Results contain pictures!)
brought to you by Quizilla

I feel horrible today. Hopeless and lost. I go from room to room trying to find a place I can relax and feel human again. This feeling follows me as does the cat, meowing pleadingly for something (though he's just been fed and watered). He's adding to my feelings of annoyance and anger. I put him in the basement, a metaphor for trying to push my feelings away and wanting to shut the door. It doesn't work; he just squalls more loudly from down there, and the feelings just bubble beneath the surface.
Things that might be minor annoyances are today sufficient enough to cause angry loud outbursts. I want to run away, I want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. I want to do something, I want to do nothing. I want to cry but at the same time I feel dried out, devoid of emotion. I feel like my life is useless and pathetic. Their lives would probably vastly improve if they didn’t have to tolerate my crazy mood swings and anger.
I tell myself I'm just stressed and sad, but that’s not really it. I'm just tired of being me.

God I hope I am actually on the right path out of the woods. I can't stay lost in here much longer...

(Okay, I wrote this earlier this morning...then I had some dark chocolate, took my vitamins and my B supplements and Mace just nursed to sleep - gotta love those happy nursey hormones! - and I feel a lot better. I'm still going to post this because I did feel it, and it's valid...)

The upside to having no sex for over three weeks? (and stay with me, there *is* an upside!)
When your period is 5 days late you know you're still ok.

Although methinks the red sea will be parting bright and early tomorrow morning. 'Course I've thought that for three days now.

I feel totally unneccesary right now.

So I went to my first therapy appointment today. I have to meet with a "pre-counselor" in order to get that appointment with the counselor and doctor (next week and week after).

I almost broke down with this person today, and she's not even my counselor. I just felt so overcome at the thought of someone really listening to me. And telling me there's a name for how I feel. And that it usually responds very well to therapy and meds. I see a light at the end of this, I see the possibility.

I don't have much to say lately, just some irl drama that's keeping me occupied.

I had the flu this week and finished The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons (both by Dan Brown) and may I just say they were freaking fantastic! Also read Blessings by Anna Quindlen and cried my stupid eyes out.

I hope everyone had a great start to the year and I'll be back soon with stuff to talk about.

We went apeshit for Christmas. Well, not completely apeshit as we don't have the finances to accommodate such. But we spent more than we should have.

Every year, I try to be one of those people who can just let go of the Christmas overload, who can effectively stick it to the Christmas machine. The ones who can make all their gifts, who can have one or two gifts for their kids without the all encompassing guilt. I want to be one of those people...really, I do. But every year I get derailed. I want the kids to have things they're going to love. And unfortunately I find the one "gift they'e going to love" at every store. And I buy it.

Fortunately, this year has been fairly easy. All the extended family on my side decided to draw names, and only for the kids. That worked out very well financially, plus on my side of the family we mostly just want the kids to have a good Christmas. My in-laws are few so that's fairly easy to accomplish. We spent the most on the kids, which is as it should be I think. I also spent a bit more than usual on my husband's gifts. I bought him a didgeridoo and a Tibetan singing bowl, both very cool and he will really love them. I'm also going to make him an appointment with his favorite Chiropractor because he always puts that off.

I did make some things to give out. I made candy buckeyes and Christmas cut out cookies, stuck them in tins and gave them to family and friends. The kids made the aforementioned bookmarks, chocolate-covered spoons and hot chocolate and soaps. So at the very least, the kids are getting to learn that Christmas is more than just receiving, and that hand made gifts can be a real treasure. We also have them make a donation to Heifer International, to buy chickens for a couple families in third world countries; one of those "not a hand out, a hand up" type organizations. Very cool. If you don’t already know about them check out their site.

So we went a bit overboard. I don't think the kids really expect so much, or need it, but I enjoy buying gifts! What can I say? I do need to get a handle on it though...maybe next year.

Christmas season is upon up, and with it comes your old friend and mine, Santa Claus.

I've been reading some recent message board threads about Santa and whether or not people encourage the belief in their children. Interesting stuff.

My mother in law thinks we're just plain wrong because the kids know they've got gifts upstairs and they see them under the tree; therefore they know the gifts are from us and not Santa. But we don't NOT believe in Santa. We believe in the spirit of Christmas that is embodied by the jolly old elf. No, we don't tell the kids they'll get coal if they're naughty...no, we don't tell them he comes down the chimney in the middle of the night and leaves them gifts...but they do believe "he" fills their stockings and nibbles on the cookies left out. So while we don't tell them there really is a guy living at the North Pole who lives to give them gifts, they still believe in the spirit of Christmas, the spirit of giving and gratitude. I see no problem in this. Where the gifts come from is irrelevant.

When I was a kid, my parents never really told us about Santa one way or the other. I suppose they kept up the facade for us though, I know I remember the "naughty or nice" talks. The things parents will do to get good behavior! But there were no gifts out with tags from Santa or anything like that. The gifts were all under the tree before Christmas. I don't remember when I didn't believe he *really* existed; I'm sure I still played along even after I knew. I don't feel harmed by knowing, I don't feel harmed by not knowing...I don't feel there was this big lie perpetrated upon us kids. It was fun...still is.

So, if you're reading this, what are your thoughts on Santa?

I've always liked, and have tried to live by, the Christian addage "be Christ-like in your mercy". Yeah, yeah, I'm not a Christian but I like the message.

Lately all the news outlets have been over-covering the Saddam Hussein capture. I have to turn the channel every time I see the pictures start. To be honest, the treatment did not seem merciful or at the very least should not have been videotaped and circulated around the media.

I do believe Hussein was and is a person who commited vile acts. I can't see a picture of him without picturing the video of the day he came into power (or around that time anyway) where he stood in front of a room full of Iraqi political figures and emotionlessly read off names of those who were to leave the room. They were killed simply because he didn't want them in his regime. It made me feel literally ill. He was so obviously enjoying his place of power. Sure, he was a bastard.

At the same time, though, do we want to sink to his level? Justice should be done, naturally, but not this 'Merkin justice of an eye for an eye. That won't undo all the evils he's done. And can't this all just be done, without becoming an utter media circus?

I guess I'm trying to figure out why I would have sympathy for this person. Probably because he is just that: a person. And somewhere in his soul is a reason for his existence. And somewhere there will be repercussions that same soul will face.

Be Christ-like in your mercy.

I feel a bit like Hannah Homemaker today. The kids and I made soaps and bookmarks for them to give to family and friends for Christmas. They got to play in our newly blanketed with snow yard, then I made them hot cocoa (and not the mix with water kind, nope, we made the real thing) and my kitchen is clean before bed.

From the outside it looks smooth as silk. But I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams. It always seems a struggle. I know quite a few moms who manage all those things above before lunch. Then have time for their own pursuits and interests. I know I should stop beating myself up, and it's not that I'm actively feeling guilty, it's just that I want their secret. I want to know how to get everything done then still have time to write or to paint or to..whatever. I do see moments in my day that I could use more effectively, maybe that's the secret. Maybe I'm just not utilizing my time wisely. Right now, I need to be working out so I don't get to bed at midnight like I have the last week...but Mace is awake. He took a late nap so I'm thinking I won't get to work out until about 11 therefore no bed before midnight as usual. When I worked, I felt like I was doing it all, like everything was getting done. I was bringing home the bacon and frying it up in a pan, as it were. But now I feel like a schlump most days. Last week there was a day when I wore my lounge pants all day. Not to say that everyone who wears their lounge pants all day are lazy beasts like myself, but you get the idea.

This past week was a total waste in most respects. Though I was PMS'ing, that's not a valid excuse. Hormones do not excuse taking a week off homeschooling! To be honest, I do feel like things get done most of the time. The clothes get washed, the dishes get washed, the floor gets vacuumed and the kids get taught. But I guess I'm trying to figure out how to carve out a little time for myself. I think THAT'S the problem. I start feeling like I never get a minute to myself which makes me feel overwhelmed and anxious, then I don't feel like doing the basics either.

Well, my little guy just climbed up to me in his jammies with the feet and wants to nurse. He said "milk" today. He's yummy! I guess I need to revel in his sweetness for now; the jammies won't fit forever.

Much to my chagrin, I've found lately that I can't loathe like I used to.

I've caught a few of those "behind the music" type shows and/or interviews which have made me change my opinion of several celebrities whom I formely had a pretty intense dislike for. I'm realizing it's easy to dislike someone you don't know, but as soon as you get to "know" them (as much as you can "know" them from afar) you see similarities and parallels to your own life and your own journey. This comforts me greatly and makes me look at people differently. It gives me hope that I'm not a total bitch anyway.

On a totally different note, Saddam has been found. Is it bad that I see the political timing in this? I mean, I'm glad this could mean our troops might get to come home earlier but it's worrying me about next years election. I'm sure Bushco. will work this, spin it, into something that he was directly responsible for. I feel guilty for thinking about this aspect of it. So maybe I am a total bitch after all.

It's one of those nights where I just want to stay up, listen to Lost Cause by Beck and other sappy songs, eat chocolate and think. But...

I have kids and things to do tomorrow. So I'm off to lie the baby down, work out then hit the sack. Not so cerebral...

Comments are fixed. My bad.

To have comments or not to have comments, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the...screw it. I'm just keeping the comments. Share if you want...

I used to have comments...didn't I used to have comments?

I don't even know where I got them from so I won't be able to go back and find out what the hell happened. Pretty pathetic, aren't I?

Apparently I don't do enough for the environment. I guess unless I'm spiking trees or in a picket line or burning down houses in the name of the ELF, I'm not really doing anything green. The cloth diapers, cloth pads, natural cleaners, drying clothes on the line out back, buying organic when I can, cooking from scratch, avoiding preservatives, push mowing et al are not enough.

This is apparently my husband's opinion. Usually the opinion manifests itself when he can't use bleach to clean the basement or has to use a cloth diaper and wipe. So is it that I'm not doing anything, or rather that it's inconveniencing YOU? Hmmmm....

Just feeling a bit beouchy today...

I can post one more thing while he's off conquering a nation...or at least his sister.

I wanted to ramble about a weird dream I had the other night. Now freaky dreams are nothing new to me, and they happen almost nightly. But this one was interesting. You know how some people dream in color and some don't? Well, I've never really remembered if my dreams were in technicolor or not. Just not something I retain. But this dream was different. Everything was gray EXCEPT certain things. Like there were these houses up in treetops by a river bank; but they were pastel colored and looked like flower bouquets. I walked through a town square that looked Eastern European-ish. It was all gray except balloons a young man carried through the square. They were all colors. He gave me a red one because I said something odd and poetic to him. There were red haired twins. All those things the colors were very distinctive and stood out against the gray of everything around them. Like I said, interesting.

Uh-oh. He's back. And he looks hungry.

Apparently I cannot blog today because my 13 month old loves my keyboard. I had several paragraphs typed out and he hit one button...ONE...and the whole shebazzle is gone. And I'm making up words now.

So maybe tomorrow I will wax philosophical. When he naps.

Hearing a midwestern mother of three say "off the heazy fo sheazy" has got to be funny.

Nonetheless, check out THIS site. It's tight...fo shizzle my sizzle!

Am I cool yet? How about now? Now?

I do a lot of my uninterrupted thinking in the shower. I stand there rocking back and forth to get the most of the hot water and think...about everything. I can’t explain how my mind works; I go from one thing to another and there’s really no rhyme or reason to how I get from point A to point B. Just a few minutes ago my thoughts covered all these things: how to redecorate the bathroom, what we are going to do about our financial situation, why I stopped writing, how I’m going to lose weight, how weird it is that my sexual fantasies don’t feature myself in a starring role anymore, my recent parenting faux pas, why I’m suddenly okay with being done having kids, if that will change, how other people have much cooler lives than me, and it went on from there...

My main thoughts were about the writing. Because a very cool friend of mine has been writing, I’ve started wondering why I stopped and how I came to a point, now, where I don’t feel such a pull to write. I used to write constantly; short stories, poems, even the beginnings of a couple novels. Now I guess it’s not a priority. At night as I’m falling asleep a few lines of a poem or story will start out in my head, but by morning they’re gone. I know they were there; like when you lose a tooth and keep pushing your tongue to the gap, thinking something should be there. So I sit down to try and pull it out of my head, to try and remember. As if it were the beginnings of that poem, the one that I’ve been wanting to write forever. But the words that come are somehow hollow. Not quite the ones that came to me the night before, not as grand, not as filled with potential. The feeling is similar to the one you get when you revisit childhood memories, that turn out to be not as magical as they once were. I’ve found through experience I’d rather keep the magical memories than relive those same things through adult eyes. I guess I need to look at those late night epiphanies the same way, and not try to recapture them. That or keep a notepad beside my bed. ;-)

Thanksgiving week...there's something special about knowing it's just mere days until I gorge myself silly...

And yes, a vegetarian Thanksgiving can be quite tasty thanks!

I know there are things I could complain about in my life...but here are the things I'm grateful for:

-happy, healthy kids
-happy, healthy me
-wonderful spouse
-the roof over our heads
-the fact that we have family to enjoy
-friends
-rain outside
-Christmas specials on TV
-driving around looking at lights with a mug of hot cocoa

Just lots of things!

I hope you all have a fabulous Thanksgiving, and I leave you with a bit of the truth about the "first Thanksgiving"...this is a quote from a Wampanoag Indian in a speech he gave in 1970 in Massachusetts

"Today is a time of celebrating for you -- a time of looking back to the first days of white people in America. But it is not a time of celebrating for me. It is with a heavy heart that I look back upon what happened to my People. When the Pilgrims arrived, we, the Wampanoags, welcomed them with open arms, little knowing that it was the beginning of the end. That before 50 years were to pass, the Wampanoag would no longer be a tribe. That we and other Indians living near the settlers would be killed by their guns or dead from diseases that we caught from them.

Let us always remember, the Indian is and was just as human as the white people. Although our way of life is almost gone, we, the Wampanoags, still walk the lands of Massachusetts. What has happened cannot be changed. But today we work toward a better America, a more Indian America where people and nature once again are important."

Nothing is better to kiss...nothing...than my 12 month old son's milky smelling, soft, fresh from nap cheek. God I love that little monkey with ever fibre of my being. He's my little dreamboat.

I believe I'm feeling better today. Perhaps it was just a few day funk. I'm not sure. I don't think I want to take medications for my depressions and anxious feelings. I thought about it, but I don't think I want to go there for some reason.

I've been mulling over this..thing...I want to do next summer if possible. I want to gather together all my women friends and have a night under the stars. I want to drink wine, and talk, and drum, and talk, and meditate, and talk. To sleep in tents and soak in the nature. And just *be* with other women, other mothers, other seekers. I need to find myself again. I've been so immersed in mothering and caretaking of other people that I've forgotten what I want and need.

Feeling like a shitty mom today. I'm just really stressed and I feel like I'm going to implode. I need a time out.

So tonight...husband is having his bi-monthly boys night out with his brother and their friend. The kids have been feeling slightly "off" (not quite sick, but not quite well either). So we all hit the video store...already watched Bend It Like Beckham (yay! it was great!) and we're going to watch Whale Rider. Then I got Monsoon Wedding for myself for after they sack out. After the video store, we headed to the grocery and picked up such goodies as Pumpkin ice cream...yummmm!

I did want to get The Secretary to watch when the kids went to bed, but I'd just end up all hot and bothered with nowhere to go so I left that one for later.

So goodnight all! I'm hoping some quality movie watching along with some delish ice cream makes me feel more human again.

Okay, that quiz is going to get me some freak-ee google hits...bwahahahahaha

Elmo's Past as a Transvestite Crackwhore



You're sick, you're annoying, and you're a bad
influence on the other muppets. Go away! And
stop trying to be the new Grover.


Which Sesame Street Muppet's Dark Secret Are You?
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I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me....

A little self hatred a la Beck.

Why do I always feel like the outsider, the person on the fringe, not really part of the group? All the groups I'm in, whether irl or on the 'net, give me the feeling I'm just not vital, not really needed. Gawd that sounds pathetic. That's not really what I mean...I guess I just feel unimportant lately, like I just don't have much to offer or to give. I feel like I go through life one step apart, like there's an inside joke going on and I'm the only one who doesn't get it. And I think this is MY issue, it's not anything others are doing or saying. It's something I sense even when it's not there. I'm overly sensitive, if you haven't guessed. I worry that something I've said is taken wrong, I worry about things I'm going to say, I read emails or posts ten times before I send them just to make sure I don't offend someone. Why the hell do I care so much? I mean, it's one thing to be sensitive to people's feelings, especially people you care about. But when you get worried about what total strangers think of you, it's a bit much. Yeah, it is.

Just having a sucky day....
(and FYI, this was brought on by a group in which no one is aware of this blog...so if you're reading it, it ain't you lol) See what I mean? Already with the disclaimers...geez.

Need to vent/share/spew...whatever you want to call it.

So the "news" I alluded to yesterday? Yes, the gun was officially jumped.

First a little backstory. I use the Fertility Awareness Method for birth control. That involves taking my basal body temperature each morning along with a few other fertility signs (which I won't get into in case you're eating breakfast or feeling otherwise queasy). These things help pinpoint ovulation so I know when we're fertile and when we're "safe". So this month I get my thermal shift and all, and I assume we're fine. Wrong assumption. Apparently my body just psyched me out; I really ovulated over a week later. Three days after I thought we were safe. Can you say oops? I knew that you could.

So earlier this week, I pee on a couple magic tests. I'm seeing lines. Faint, but they're *there*. I'm going through crazy emotions. I'm ecstatic, but scared witless. Really bad timing. Really bad. But still...

Fast forward to this morning. My temperature drops and I get my moon. Siiiiigh. I'm glad in many ways, but still really sad! I try to tell myself not to be silly, this would have been a difficult time to be pg. But still...

I guess intellectually I know we're done having kids. That palpably hurt just typing it out. But how much of my life can be ruled by sheer emotion, when does my brain get a say? I can't make decisions like this from my heart anymore. Plus Scott is so very relieved. Hmph. He's done. So I have to be done.

I'm going to share something weird, you can blow this off if you want but I'm throwing it out here. Before we got pregnant with Mace, I knew we were going to have him; I knew there was a spirit missing and I knew it would be incarnated as a boy. Right now, I don't so much feel there's a spirit missing in our family as much as I just feel there's a spirit tethered to Mace's spirit in some way. That she's trying to find a way in. I felt her this week. And no, I haven't smoked crack recently thankyouverymuch ;-)

Anyway, that's what's going on in chez Cheryl this week. I need chocolate...

So it's November!

Our trip to NC was pretty fab. I found another city to drool over. Asheville was/is amazing. Ultra hippie cool I'd say. The mountains were just an added perk.

Halloween was cool. Gage and Maddie made it further this year than last. I did partake of way too much candy.

In other news, there's other news. I don't want to spill too much lest I be jumping the gun...suffice it to say I'm experiencing excitement/fear/happiness/sadness/worry all in the same moment. More as things progress....

Bought the kids some Moose Tracks ice cream. I was good! I had willpower! I was amazing! I have NOT eaten the ice cream!


(I just picked out the huge, delicious fudge chunks and ate those)

We're getting ready to leave next week for Asheville, North Carolina. My mom's family is from there and she hasn't gotten to visit since I was 12. Now there's no reason not to go. So we'll visit family with her and hopefully get to see some of the Smoky Mountains and such. We did manage to schedule our trip so that we'll be driving at night both ways. Sleep, babies, sleep!

I really don't have much to say...or rather not enough time right now to say it...

Just wanted to post *something* since it's been a while.

In regard to my previous entry, I did manage to ovulate this month! (aren't you glad you surfed on in here?! Next I'll be talking about my cloth pads again) I haven't started the "stuff" I should for my thyroid, I'm hoping I'm just one of those women for whom it just rights itself and is a post partum issue. A girl can hope, can't she?

I'm very much off the watching weight bandwagon. Why I can't just do this I'll never know. I suck suck suck at working on my weight. My plan is to screw it. I mean, not beat myself about the face and neck for every little thing I eat. I'm going to continue working out but I'm not going to be defined by my weight. It's just stupid to get to that point. Yes, I did watch Beautiful Girl last night, wanna make somethin' of it?!?

In other news regarding my body as disaster central, I am now fairly confident that I have a thyroid problem.
Most people with low thyroid function will exhibit low basal body temperature. I’ve just recently started charting my temps again since my fertility returned; or so I thought. I’m not ovulating, which is so very unlike me. Normally my fertility is awe inspiring lol. (Side note: I’ve tried not to use ‘net acronyms on here as much as possible. But I find I need to add a good LOL every now and then. Sorry) And of course my temps are very low, which they’ve never been in the past. Low thyroid function is pretty much the sole contributor to low temps. Plus I have all the other symptoms.
I’m very upset by this. I mean, it’s one thing to think your body is malfunctioning. It’s quite another to know it with near certainty.
My main problem is that it seems, after much searching and reading, that the only real treatment is hormone replacement via synthetic hormones or the more “natural” cow/pig derived thyroid hormones. Now, if you know me at all, you know neither of those options are acceptable to me for a host of reasons.
So I need to start adding a veritable buttload of minerals and supplements to my daily routine, a couple yoga poses and some visualization. But even these are questionable as far as treating a thyroid imbalance.
Oddly, I don’t feel my weight is thyroid related though. I am able to lose weight when I focus on it (i.e. not eating handfuls of chocolate chips). Also I haven’t really gained weight. That’s a plus, isn’t it?

So I caught a few minutes of Dr Phil yesterday and it was interesting.

He was telling this overweight guy that he pretty much had to have an emotional trigger to his overeating. Hmmm. I've always wondered about that. I really don't feel I have said emotional trigger. I just like stuff that tastes good. I like food. I love to bake and to cook. And I eat when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm stressed, when I'm calm. I don't really see any underlying reason for my eating.

I'm wondering if everyone with a weight issue has an emotional reason behind their eating. I've been racking my brain for the last 24 hours trying to find mine. I mean, there has to be a reason that I eat more than most people, right? Because I do believe my weight is directly related to my over-intake of food. I'm not going to blame genetics or some such thing, I know how I got here. But the why's of how I got here are intriguing. I'll keep mulling it over.

Scott's been laughing at my recent interest in sports. Last night I was rabidly switching back and forth between Ohio State and the Cubs (yay! OSU got beaten and...Cubs win! Cubs win!)

He rolled over shaking his head when I asked if a certain batter was due and then tried to argue that they should pull the pitcher because he gave up a couple hits. And of course it was just outrageous when some nutjob from OSU tried to choke out Wisconsin's quarterback (and no flag got thrown!).

I'm not normally a sports fan. I just want the Cubs to get into the World Series to break the curse, and OSU just needed to get slapped down. So I enjoyed the games. I guess it's funny because I know just enough about sports to be dangerous.

Interview game! I got my Q's from Kym If you want to play, comment and I'll give you 5 Q's of your own to answer on your blog...

1. Do you think your first name befits you? If not, what would you like to be named?
Hmm. Never really thought about my name. In high school it wasn't common which I liked (non conformist that I am lol). There was only one other Cheryl and we actually were best friends! That was fun at times! I think I'm okay with it...maybe I'd like a hippie Zappa-esque name, just for fun.


2. Do you ever crave meat at all? If so, what's your desire? If not, tell me a yummy yummy meatless entree I should try.
Truthfully, I don't. I used to like my moms meatloaf, and cheeseburgers, but I don't miss them, or want them really. I have to cop out on the recipe - Scott's the cook around here. But I love this vegetarian Shepards Pie that's at Allrecipes.com. It's verrrry good. And yes, I did actually make that one!

3. Where do you see yourself in ten years? What do you WISH your life will be like in ten years?
Hopefully, successfully downsized with an RV to do extended roadtripping with the fam. And really, that's what I hope for too. There are days where I wish Scott was a workoholic making lots of money so I could be a stay at home mom with lots of disposable income but that's usually after a fight lol!

4. Imagine someone gave you $500. What would you spend it on?
Well, I don't have to imagine. Scott's mom just gave us $500 out of the blue. We put it toward the new furnace we had installed yesterday. Booooring!! But if it were just mine to blow, I'd get some great clothes, hair done by Justin (Kym!) and I'd go out drinking/dancing with my buds.

5. Do you dress for yourself, for other women, or for men?
I dress for...myself I guss. Although I really think I'm just dressing because I have to. Most days I don't even give it a thought. Sad really.

You were so new and fresh from God five years ago. Your spirit was trying to harness all its beauty and fire into that little body. It was a difficult transition but to look at you today...crazy-dancing around the room to Earth, Wind & Fire...a transition still in progress but so sure of its direction.
Sometimes I catch a glimpse of you in the rear view mirror, sitting in the backseat telling some fantastic epic tale, and I see the woman you will become. Amazing.
I am awed still that you chose me to be your mother.

Happy 5th birthday Madeline!

Self loathing is soooo constructive (can you hear the sarcasm?)

Ugh.

So now that I'm actually working on getting healthier again, expect entries about such.

I'm down 7 lbs in 10 days! But today I headed to this outdoor farmers market type place and wowee! I had this excellent coffee and some of Gage's pumpkin ice cream (omg, it was to die) and some of Maddie's vegan brownie and then pizza for dinner. I think I'll abstain from weighing for the next few days. I know, I know...I shouldn't weigh so often but it motivates me.

One thing I've started doing is bothering me though. I stop myself from eating past around 6 p.m. then I make myself eat later in the morning, that way my body is going for longer without outside fuel coming in. Therefore it must be burning fat instead. The part that bothers me is how good I feel the longer I go without eating. Like *not* eating is the goal or something. I'm worried this is unhealthy thinking...that it might lead to something worse. Thoughts anyone?

Today I'm feeling very BLAH. Having one of those days where dh annoys me (and I him I'm sure), kids don't listen, baby takes a tumble and hurts himself (not badly, just a red forehead). How do I not have the Huxtable family?! Oh...wait...that was just on tv...

I posted earlier then went to the kitchen and made apple berry crisp. I'm an excellent saboteur.

But I did make it with less butter, and we do have my teenage nephew over to eat it so I'm not worried about eating the whole pan. It is good though.

Since I'm feeling rather unmotivated at the moment, I thought I'd share the things I'm looking forward to doing when I get to a healthier weight.

- going swimming with my kids next summer. I love love love swimming but have been reluctant to do so with all this weight. I do see women quite a bit larger that I am at the beach throwing caution to the wind. I'm just not that strong...

- having our family pics taken. Our last professional family pic was taken when Gage was a year old. I was thin then due to the Phen-Fen. (Hey that rhymed!) I hate that I was weak enough to use drugs to lose weight. I will never do that again.

- not feeling like I have to cover up this part or that part all the time.

- good sex. 'Nuff said.

I'm going to keep reminding myself of those things when I feel like taking out the fridge.

Well, I'm back in the saddle again. Since this past Thursday I've been cutting back again...I've already lost 4.5 lbs! Woohoo for me!

I'm just excited to be back in control. And to think I was able to get started again when I was unknowingly pms'ing! I really want to get below...gulp...200. Not too far at this point...I'm down a total of 33.5 lbs since the beginning of the year. Not too bad I guess...

It's been a few days, eh?

I wondered why I was feeling more edgy this past week. Twenty one days ago I got my first period since Mason's birth. And I get it again today. Who has 21 day cycles? Grrr. Mine are usually at least 28 days. Oh well.

I'm reading Pagan Parenting by Kristin Madden and it's so fascinating. I've thought for a while my home had more than the average amount of negative energy floating around in it, and now I have a few ideas in regard to stopping that flow of negativity. Let's hope they work! I've been told by friends that my house is psychically charged, that it feels...weird. That they feel there are other people here. Hmmm. Maybe this is why no one has wanted to buy this Amityville Horror house?!

I think we're going to try to stay here for the time being. We'll make it work somehow. I might have to get a part time job but that's okay. The kids will still be with one of us, and that's what's important. I just couldn't do daycare.

So this was totally a mush post. Not much to offer today.

(I recently found this in my WordPerfect files and I never posted it here...so here ‘tis...)

There’s this whole debate going on at a site I frequent about the term “natural childbirth”. Some of the women said they had c-sections and consider that natural, and they assert that it’s wrong (or just plain old un-PC) to call only unmedicated vaginal deliveries natural birth. It’s like saying anything else is unnatural, this is what they said.

But anything else IS unnatural. Natural, by definition, would mean a labor and birth that start on their own, baby comes out on it’s own, no outside interference. Come on, that’s just the way it is. That’s what most people think of when they hear or say “natural childbirth”. I wouldn’t call my first two induced labors “natural” because they most definitely were not. My last was totally natural, everything happened just as it was supposed to, just as it was intended to.

I fully believe many of these women who insist their c-sections were “natural” are trying hard to compensate mentally for something they lost in that process. Through no fault of their own, many of them were victimized by the medical establishment. After reading a veritable assload of research it seems only a handful of women truly NEED c-sections. Most are the cause of mismanaged labor and delivery. Induction too early, relying on inaccurate ultrasound birthweight guesstimates, thinking women can’t birth large babies vaginally (hello, 11.5 lb posterior baby vaginally here), not allowing women to change positions a lot during pushing, forcing them to lie down during labor (therefore not allowing baby to move down effectively)...the list goes on and on. Yet these women will insist time and time again that their c-sections were “necessary” and that the doctor saved their lives or their babies lives. Sure, it does happen, and surgical childbirth has it’s place when a true emergency presents itself. But I cannot believe that more women in this country require c-sections than those in other countries (other countries that have lower infant mortality rates by the way). How can that happen? It happens because not all c-sections that are performed in this country are truly medically necessary. And some are even done electively. Which is fine for those who elect it, but DON’T call it natural. Because it ain’t.

Yes, ladies *having* a baby is natural. A baby growing in your body, then living outside it, is totally natural. That part I will never disagree with. But the process by which the baby enters the outside world can be totally unnatural in the wrong setting, with the wrong interventions.

The other misconception that got me riled (and it don’t take much these days!) Was the implication that women who do natural childbirth without interventions have a hero complex and are hippie, granola mamas. I opted for natural childbirth because I wanted to see what my body was capable of, I opted for natural childbirth because it was best for me and my baby at that time. The fact that I’m a liberal, environmentalist, nature loving peacenik doesn’t play into that choice. Sure, my lifestyle is one in which I will try to avoid medical intervention, one in which I try to do all things naturally if possible - but not all those who opt for intervention free births are that way. To lump us all together seems uneducated. But I digress...

My point is, birthing a child is a natural, sacred event. But the means by which the baby is brought into the world can be anything but. I will never call induced, epidural-ed, c-section birth natural, because to me and most other people, it is not.

You know, when you haven’t had sex in a while, I think the pilot light goes out. Much like chocolate, I find that if I don’t partake for a while I just don’t think about it.
But when previously uninterested significant other decides that he is, in fact, interested it’s almost a shock. Whaaaa? Sex??? Then you start remembering, and thinking about it and before you know it *whoosh* you hear that little pilot light burst forth into flame. You think about it, you plan on it, you shower and make pretty. You think this is going to be IT!!!
Then as you’re getting the children to sleep and managing to nurse your baby in that little black bra, it happens. Previously uninterested, recently interested significant other falls asleep. FUUUCK!

I took a morning walk with my almost-5 year old daughter this morning and it was glorious. I really wanted to post one of those “I love Fall” discourses until I realized those types of posts are all over the place.
So why does everyone seem to love Fall? And why does it seem everyone loves Fall for the same reasons? The crisp air, the ever changing palette of the leaves, old warm oversized sweaters, cocoa by the fire, and of course all the food and candy related holidays in Autumn or shortly after. My mom is the only person I know personally who doesn’t like Fall. She says it’s too close to Winter and she hates Winter. She’s a gardener so it signifies the end of her season. But most everyone else just loves Fall in all it’s glory. Most of the survey’s I’ve seen have Fall as the favorite season frontrunner with Summer next and Winter/Spring coming in about evenly third and fourth. Is this a midwest thing? I’m not so sure. I’d say those of us in the eastern Midwest as well as, of course, New England have a romanticized experience of Autumn. Probably out west they don’t go so ga ga over Fall because they don’t see the leaves change so vibrantly, or experience the sudden temperature shift into Fall.
But I digress. Just let me say...I love Fall!! I feel happy and alive and it’s good.

I found it funny this morning, while standing over the sink rinsing out my cloth menstrual pad, that if you'd told me 10 years ago I'd be doing that I would have laughed in your face. If you would have said I would be using cloth diapers, cloth pads, line drying my clothes and cooking mostly from scratch I would have thought you were crazy. Funny how things change.

Just made us Cuban dirty rice for lunch. Kids seem to like it. I need to get more daring with my spice usage; I'm afraid of using too much so I usually end up using less than I should have. Need to listen to the spice, BE the spice.

We're learning about Antarctica this week in our ongoing geography quest to make lapbooks of all the seven continents. Did you know that polar bears only live near the North Pole in the Arctic and penguins only live in Antarctica? I'm assuming everyone probably knew this so I'm stupid for not having known it lol! But I love how I learn new things along with the kids. Fantastic.

I've been absent from the online world this last week mainly because I've been reading. A friend cajoled me into reading Fast Food Nation. All I can say is oh...my....god. This book was a very real eye opener for me. Not just about the fast food industry, but about the meat packing industry, family farms, globalization and our society as a whole. It's an amazing book and it's on my "you gotta read this" list. Right alongside Ishmael and Your Money or Your Life. If you haven't read those, GO AND DO IT NOW! Ish and YMOYL totally changed my life. They put me on the path of the aforementioned cloth dipes/pads/conservation/environmental/frugal living stuff. To paraphrase Oprah, I feel I'm coming close to living my authentic life because of those books.

Okay, enough of my ranting for today....mmmm...more dirty rice....

Go here to read an article on vaccinations and the problems and issues surrounding them. If you have three minutes you can buzz through it, it's really worth the time. It's a fantastic article and the last sentence sums up the problem! Well said Beth Hawkins!! You go!

My 4-almost-5 year old, Maddie, is now sans training wheels!! She's just madly excited, and growing older much too quickly.

I was just looking at old pictures of Gage when he was 4 and he looks so *little* compared to how I see Maddie. I keep having to remind myself that in a couple years I'm going to look at her pictures from today and feel the same way I do about Gage's pics. Life's short...

Things I've realized today:

I can make a pretty mean red sauce from scratch with no recipe! Even my son liked it, so there.

After putting in a pinch of black pepper, wash your hands before touching your face for god's sake. Fiiiiiiiiiire, smoke she is a risin'! It burns like a sum bitch.

And last but definitely not least, I freaking hate judgemental people. This one poster at a site I visit is so mean and judgemental in her posts it drives me nuts. She's one of those know it alls who you just know *doesn't* know it all, you know?! I just wanna smack her.

You are a sea sponge!

You are a modern hippy. You love the earth and all
of its creatures, and you could care less what
society thinks of you. You are a peaceful
person, and your body is your temple. You have
very diverse friendships, and you form close
bonds with the people you allow to get close to
you.


What menstrual product are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

My husband and brother are in NYC as I type. So half of the trip down, half to go. I'm feeling less stressed by the hour....

I know another rant against the media isn't getting anyone anywhere, but here I go again.

All this "fat" stuff got me thinking again. How come all the t.v. shows, movies, commercials and videos have absolutely no problem pairing a fat guy with a hot woman but almost never do you see a fat woman with a hot guy? Yet another example of the media telling us one pairing is ok but the other is not. That fat women are not sexual beings, not worthy of attraction. I know, I know, I shouldn't expect more of the media. I guess it just bothers me that so many people buy into it, that if a woman on TV gains a few pounds it's a travesty but men can be as heavy as they wanna be. I admit I'm all hot and bothered by Kevin James (the King of Queens guy) but do you really think Leah Remini would give him a second look in real life?

The problem is that yes, she probably would. You see, most women aren't totally visually stimulated where most men are. At least the men and women I know. Women seem to be more likely to overlook physical stuff if the emotional and personality stuff is there. Men? They usually first see a rack and a hot ass.

Women are so much cooler than men. I wish I were a lesbian.

Methinks I'm ready for Mace to start walking, or crawling, or something. He's almost 10 months old and still doesn't want to maneuver himself around. He'll roll, but that's about it. So mostly his mode of transportation is my arms. And at 25 lbs he's massive and my arms and back are killing me!

There is a tad more drama going on around here. My husband and my brother are going to drive into New York City, into the worst neighborhood in NYC, to pick up my sister and her family who are moving back here. So a nine hour drive, and no one is acting like this is a big deal, like it's a big request to make of one's family. I'm stressed about the drive, the crazy traffic in NYC (where neither my husband or my brother have ever been) and the fact that no one is even appreciative of what they're doing. Well, my sister and her family are not at least. It's a long story, but I'm assuming it's only going to get worse when they do finally get here as far as their expectations of us. Fun fun!

I rode approximately 4 miles on my NEW bike this morning!! Yay me! I've been walking a mile a day for a few weeks but this kicked my butt.

Plus, just as a kicker, we got an amazing deal on the bike. Got it originally on clearance for $25, it didn't work so we got to exchange it for a full price one!

So it was cheap and is a great workout that I can do with the kids when I wanna take it easy. I'm happy...at least more than I was at 4:15pm last Thursday when the lights went out in Ohio...ugh!

There’s been a lot of “weighty” issues around the blogs this week (least the ones I regularly read) and it’s got me thinking.

I think the single most annoying assumption people make about those with weight problems is that we don’t know anything about losing weight/eating healthy/good exercise habits. Most people assume we’re just waiting around for that one hot diet tip or new exercise routine; that we don’t know what we should eat instead of that pint of Ben and Jerry’s. And you know what? That’s so totally wrong. Most overweight people I know are more knowledgeable about this stuff that your average joe. We have to be. We read all the articles, we know plyometric and isometric exercises, we know our resting heart rate and target heart rate, we know the physiological reason the high protein diet is so effective (if not the most healthful). At least, again, most of the people of size I know personally know these things. I know these things...it doesn’t stop me from lying on the couch and choosing not to exercise on some days or going ahead and eating that pint of B&J’s (of course along with an otherwise healthy diet the rest of the day). And I know if I exercised every day and didn’t eat the whole pint I could lose weight. I’ve done it before and I know I can. I’m not going to say my genes make me fat or place blame. I know why I, myself, am overweight. I do eat more than I should and move less than I should. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know anything about health. It doesn’t mean that I don’t walk a mile most days. It just means I’m unfortunately being defined by a few poor choices I make in my daily life.

This is brought into focus by a “friend” I have who recently lost a bit of weight. She now takes it upon herself to try to enlighten me on proper weight loss techniques. Um, I KNOW how to do it, I’m just not choosing to make it a priority at this particular moment. And just because I look heavy, how do you KNOW that I’m NOT working on it? It’s these assumptions that bother me, especially coming from someone who has been where I am and knows more closely what I’m feeling than most people.

I guess my point is, don’t judge fat people. We’re not stupid or lazy, most of us just have a passion for good food which is just one small trait of our personalities, ourselves.

I just put in some quality pint-diving time. Can someone tell me why ice cream is so good right out of the container? I mean really. I can feel myself expanding already.

Gregory Hines died yesterday. He was 57. I think I’m going to go out and rent Jelly’s Last Jam and just revel in his amazing feet. I love tap and this man was just amazing at it. I’m sad that he’s gone on...

Just reading Holly's recent blog entry about her mother in law and I started thinking.


My mother in law drives me bats. Anyone who knows me, knows this. She doesn't agree with any of our lifestyle or parenting choices. She takes many opportunities to say so. I get the distinct impression that she just doesn't like ME personally; that I'm the reason we've made these choices and were it not for me her son would be some 9-5 working stiff who only cared about money and having nice things.


But, differing from Holly's MIL, mine genuinely loves her grandkids and wants to spend time with them. Well, I think she's partial to our oldest (she hasn't wanted us to have three kids, she didn't speak to us for three days after hearing about Macey's pending arrival...still pissed about that one but I digress...) but she does seem to care about them. Part of me almost wishes she would leave us alone though...how weird is that? I don't actually want her doing things with my kids, I don't want her to be an influence on them, you know? I realize that most people with uninvolved relatives wish for more involved ones, but I really and honestly don't. Her values and ideals are so far removed from ours that I'm truly afraid of what kind of effect she will have on our kids. I think it makes me a lesser person for admitting that, but there it is.

I guess I feel that if she doesn't respect us and our ability to make our own choices, then she earns less access to our kids, and us. Unfortunately, while S sees her as annoying, he doesn't see her as dangerous like I do. He would never want to intentionally take her out of our family picture as it were. He puts more value on family than I do, and maybe that plays a part here. But she just really gets under my skin with her comments and actions. I agree to an extent that you choose to pick up arrows others shoot at you, you choose to inflict the pain on yourself. But damn this woman is one helluva markswoman.

"That's how you beat a president who can get as many $2,000 checks as he wants, is to bring three or four million new people into the process, give them a reason to vote, and then you can beat George Bush."

I'm lovin' Howard Dean more and more every time I hear about him. Check out deanforamerica.com and see if you don't agree. Let's get him nominated!!

My mother sat an old box down in front of me, told me I could have what I wanted of it’s contents. I opened it and faces stared back at me. Oddly familiar faces, but ones I’d never seen in my lifetime.
My father was a very private person, almost to a fault. He never shared his life with us, his childhood, his past. He was evasive with his answers to our questions. We never met our family on his side, no grandparents, no uncles, no cousins.
This box contained pictures of his family. His younger brother, his only sibling. His mother. His father. The haunting pictures of his grandparents, my great grandparents...her picture lined with her hair. Hair, hair that I have a physical connection to. What I am made of is also in that 100 year old hair. These people lived and without their lives I would not be. But I don’t know them, I don’t know what their lives were like. My father was born in the middle of the depression, but all the pictures were full of happiness. I only really remember my father as an older man, he was approaching 50 when I was born, but seeing pictures of him as a young adult looking almost Hollywood handsome. These pictures are amazing.
I feel like I’ve gotten to know my father in a much more intimate way than I did in his lifetime, unfortunately for me. I will never know many things, like what took him to Ireland, what led him to teach college level agronomy, they whys of many of the things he did in his lifetime. But I know, even with all his aloofness, that he loved my brother and I. As much as I remember some of the words said in anger I will equally now remember the little things kept hidden away; a poem written by myself as a teenager, cards made by children’s hands, the menus my brother and I made for our bake shop (we sold my parents little cakes made in my Holly Hobbie oven; we were ever the entrepreneurs) and now these pictures. These things were important to him, as I now know we were. Unfortunate that we couldn’t know these things about him in his lifetime.

I’m enjoying these pictures, though. Seeing glimpses of the person he was before he was our father. Half the pictures don’t have anything on the back or any indication who the people are in the picture; this is why I will place the ones we do know in our scrapbook. I want to make sure my kids know who these people are even if I didn’t.

OMG Y..E..S!!! You must read this....it's freaking fabulous!