Ack, I missed my three month posting point lol

Well, Winter has been interesting. Scott got laid off in January. We're doing well, he's looking, I'm looking...but there seem to be no jobs around here at the moment. Fortunately this happened when we got our tax return back and have money to put aside to get through this.

I'm not totally freaking out, which is unlike me. I think it's hunker down time. I think the economy is just going to tank even worse. I always used to joke about my tin foil hat when I'd talk about my thinking that our society was going to make a shift and things were going to, in many ways, revert to the past. Not saying I knew the economy was going to go apeshit, I totally did not. But right now, I'm really glad we have no mortgage, no car payments, no debt...and even glad we never got deep into 401(k)'s and such. We're in a pretty good place.

And yeah, I'm planning my garden this year lol I'm going to go total square foot because that was much easier to care for. I really want to have a good yield to put back this year.

The kids are doing great, healthy and happy. We finally took Mace for his ASD eval and the doctor said she doesn't feel he's on the spectrum. YAY!! But he does have some anxiety issues and a touch of OCD she thinks. We're watching it. Might go soon for a speech and OT eval because he does have issues in those areas, ASD or no.

Lily's doing well also, progressing and getting smarter and happier every day! Gage and Maddie are fab, playing basketball. No one's really been sick this year *knock on wood* lol

Course right now they're fighting lol but normally it's all good.

So, we're looking forward to a wonderful Spring and Summer. Should be interesting all around!

Apparently I only post here every three months or so lol

And it's also apparent I lost most of my blog links?? Weird...will have to figure that out.

We're still plugging along here! I got totally immersed in the election and was just freaking GIDDY with excitement when America proved to the world we do NOT in fact have our collective heads up our collective arses. I can't wait to see what the next EIGHT years bring!

I did my gardning thang, and once again I seemed to lose interest in the fall lol I got some good tomatoes and learned some lessons (no more broccoli). I'm going to go all square foot gardening next year, that sfg was so easy compared to the tomato garden. The raccoons got all my corn. ALL of it. Not kidding. But I'm still thinking next year will be better...each year is a learning experience.

I can't believe it's November already...another month and here's another year gone.

The kids are doing great, Lily is fast approaching three and as long as I can get through to her birthday I think we're done having babies. I'd LOVE one more, just one more...when I see families with five kids I just feel so wistful. But I think we have to be done. As I've said, my head has to win this one. It doesn't win often lol

I'm STILL fat! I try to think positive that it will change, but I don't know that it will. I can't seem to get serious about it, whether it's depression or stress I don't know, but I can't "go there" (to serious weight loss) for the time being.

Anyway...things are good! We're all happy and healthy and holding on!

Been awhile! We're still here, still working on the homesteading thing...

The garden has been doing well. Like last year, I suffered from mid summer lack of enthusiasm. Some of the patches got pretty weedy, but still producing so it's not all bad. My square foot garden did the best, and I think I'm going all sfg next year. I realized broccoli takes up too much space and is too finicky for my gardening ability. Plus, one per plant?! Not enough bang for my buck.

I've canned some green beans and tomato sauce so far. Am going to diced tomatoes for the rest of it. Way too much work for little result with the sauce; once it boils down to the right consistancy more than half is gone! I can use the diced to make sauce as needed and still use it for chili and such.

The kids are doing well...

Lily is running around, loving being outside! She's communicating more and seems to actually be more and more typical for her age all the time. She's 2.5 and really acts like a 2.5 yr old lol. Into everything, wants to do big girl things...even sorta, maybe thinking about potty training! She knows what it's for...and goes in that direction when she needs to go...but often doesn't make it lol She'll get there though...

Mace is doing well. I may have posted, but we didn't do the autism spectrum eval. He's still his quirky self :) but I think it's evening out. We're starting a yeast die off with him, and all of us really, to see if that helps him. He has many of the signs of it.

Maddie is getting ready to turn TEN! Yikes! She's still working on some of her fears, but she's doing well. She's starting fall soccer again

Gage is 12, getting near those teen years. I'm enjoying this time with him, and Maddie as well, as we're starting to have more in depth discussions and talking about bigger kid issues and dilemmas. It's challenging, but lots of fun and very enlightening!

Homeschooling getting underway again...we sort of take a little summer break though we still hope and believe that they're learning all the time. We'll work with Mace on reading more this year; he knows his alphabet but isn't very proficient at writing letters. We need work on some fine motor skills. I don't want to push reading, yet I want to make sure we're encouraging it.

Dh and I are doing well...I still haven't managed to lose weight to any appreciable degree. It's frustrating, yet I know it's in my power to change it. I just haven't yet. I'm hopeful I will get to "that point" where I'm ready to make a commitment to it; just not there yet. Still want another baby, dh doesn't. Don't know really how that will all play out. I'm getting older, but as long as my ovaries are throwing eggs down the chute I'll likely want more babies. And probably even when they don't.

Better stop while I'm ahead, my fingers are not cooperating and it's making me crazy how much I've had to go back and fix just in this short post. Dyslexic fingers, I keep typing turned around letters lol

Been feeling yucky lately. Not physically, just everything else lol. Not sure why and that bugs me.

Well, to be honest, there has been some physical stuff (extreme fatigue, heart palps, etc..) and putting it all together...it looks like it could be something like a potassium deficiency. I'm trying t work on that, hoping that's all it is. My mom has this, and when she was first talking about it I thought big whoop, it's just potassium lol. But apparently, it IS a rather big whoop as it does a lot of different things like regulating blood pressure and the heart. A friend of my mom's had gone to the ER thinking she was having a heart attack; it was her potassium and she had to have an IV to get it back to proper levels. So I guess it's pretty important. Can't hurt to eat a bit better and get my vites. Supposedly it also can make you irritable, depressed, etc.. if it's caused by something like adrenal fatigue. Yeah, I fit the description for that too. Fun fun.

And what's the rx? The usual, less stress, more exercise, less junk foods. I always feel like I need to add, I don't really eat "junk food" but I like to bake...and while brownies made from scratch aren't as bad for you as a Twinkie, they're not health food either lol. I dunno. How many more signs from God, the Universe and Everything do I need to get off my butt and DO SOMETHING?! Hopefully, this one is the one. I'm trying...

Really. This is getting old.

This weekend I was in the vicinity of a 3 week old baby girl...okay, I was holding her and ooohing and ahhhing over her constantly. And I had a couple conversations about my baby love. Of course, it's right near ovulation time again and I'm in BABY FEVAH mode. I suppose I'm going to have to ride this out until menopause. That'll be fun every month. Yeahhhh. So maybe another 10 years or so lol

Though I have been feeling quite perimenopausal these past few months, so who knows. Both my mom and eldest sister started having girl problems in their early 40's and both have had hysterectomies, so I'm assuming here in the next five years things will start winding down. I admit to have hopes of one of them there menopause babies I hear so much about. Actually, back that truck up, I don't really want a baby in my mid forties. That would be much older than I'd feel comfortable with. But I seem to know more than a few women who ended up unexpectedly pregnant during that crazy pre menopausal period when things are all wonky. My preferred timing would be SOON, as in next year, next fall. Next Spring, whatever :) I'm not picky lol

So I'm going to ride out this week...here's hoping I can shut my ovaries up with an offering of chocolate and a re-reading of Harry Potter.

So gardening season has seen it's first casualties.

My cukes, cabbages and cauliflower have officially not made it. I'll have to buy the plants at the local nursery or diy store. They looked so good inside, but small, like everything else I've got. But the temps were right so I transplanted. Something "got" the cauliflower, I think the cukes and cabbages were still a bit small for whatever it was to get them. The cukes, I think, just blew their stack inside. When I had them inside, they looked fabulous, but by the time the weather cooperated enough for me to get them outside, they were pretty limp.

Right now, I've got tomatoes and peppers...and beans (green, black and pinto) still inside. The beans are huge and ready to plant. The peppers..aren't huge but they are pretty hearty I think, so they'll go out soon too. The tomatoes, my dear darling indeterminate heirloom tomatoes, the ones I want to work most of all...still look green and healthy, but they're so small. Only a few have their second leaves. They're getting enough water, light, they have adequate space...I don't know what's wrong. And I DON'T want to buy replacements because there's no way I'll find ones like these (most places just have hybrid determinates). I guess I'll just keep babying them and see what happens.

Potatoes are out and popping up like crazy. But I think we'll need to re-till the rest of that garden to plant the corn and tomatoes when they're ready. It's weed central. Since a lot of it was grass just a couple months ago, and with all the rain, the grass is trying to take over again. And succeeding I might add lol

Everything else is going well. Waiting on the roto rooter guys this morning because our second bath has overflowed...again. This will be, what, the fourth time in the last year? Whoever set up the drain pipes underneath (and hell, we can't remember who did what at this point...it was one of the two plumbers we had out last Spring) set them up oddly, and there's a point at which they keep getting clogged. Yeah, we need to have someone come out and fix that. Scott's got too much on his plate already. I think he's feeling overwhelmed at the "stuff" yet to do. I'm trying not to nag, but I don't always succeed lol

The kids are doing well. We've been discussing our different ideas about homeschooling around here. My heart wants to unschool, but honestly I just don't feel I do enough to help them cultivate their interests for it to be worthwhile. I have to admit that much as I just adore my kids, I'm not a "get down on the floor and play" kind of mom. And I do tend to let them do their own thing, especially the older kids. That sounds worse than it is lol what I mean is, I don't, and don't want to, hover over them all the time. Scott likes the unschooling idea too, but he wants to make sure the bases are covered and that they do workbooks and such. I just hate doing them myself, and the kids hate them, which makes it hard. I don't know which way to go with it. I know they're learning stuff, but my "public schooled brain" keeps feeling inadequate, like we're not "doing enough". I need to get past that I think. To be honest, I don't need to worry about whether or not they know the state capitals. I think things are going to change drastically in the way that we all live (hello peak oil) and when that happens, I think things that are important are things like gardening, living sustainably, knowing how to take care of yourself. But that's just me and my tin foil hat talking lol.

Well, coffee pot is telling me it's ready...really need some this morning.

We've been busy, busy, busy this week!

The weather finally got nice enough to get outside and get started on our yard work. I planted, covered and mulched about 500 sq ft of flower beds out front. Scott and Gage used the brush hog to clean off a huge area of brush and such out back of our house, adding almost another full size yard to our existing yard. We laid out the square foot raised bed, I'm only doing one which is 4' by 25' instead of a bunch of individual boxes. As well as two regular garden plots behind that for the potatoes, corn and tomatoes. I've started a lot of my seeds, onions, broccoli and tomatoes are all sprouted. I need to go out today and get more planters to start everything else.

So we're really making progress!! It's rained the last two days though, so I'm trying to catch up with indoor chores. I've been working so hard this week, and been so terribly sore, I've lost 5 lbs lol.

The kids are helping a lot and it's just been a really, really good week. I feel productive!

I've also been working on our eating habits. I hate saying "diet" because of the connotations. But I'm trying to cut out artificial flavorings and colorings, mainly "excitotoxins". Thus far, I've been baking all our bread; haven't bought commercial bread in about a month! It's been a lot of fun, making a daily loaf. Even made bagels which turned out really good - the only drawback is that they're not as easy to store as commercially made bagels. Homemade ones have about a one day shelf life. We're trying to cut out the "fake meats" we've been using too. I'm making more veggie burgers from scratch now.

Anyway...feeling good. Still can't fully shake the baby fever though. Staying busy is helping, and it has dwindled a bit. But it's still there, underneath.

Life's been crazy lately. Reallllly crazy lol. But we're dealing. It'll be okay in the end. It's just getting to that "end" that will be frustrating.

Some financial problems have cropped up that we thought had "gone away"...funny how problems with money really never seem to just disappear on their own lol. Again, we'll manage and it'll end up okay, it's just trying to figure things out and work everything around that's really stressing me out. And we'll have to use money we had earmarked for some repairs/renovations on the house. Ohhhh well. We'll still be able to add on a nicer front porch and do the new roof, but the addition will have to wait a little while. And hopefully the other "problems" that are still out there floating around won't come down on us anytime soon :(

We've had someone offer to help us get the addition started...and no, they don't know about these current problems lol. But I hate being endebted to someone, and this person has offered because they think we're insane and too crowded in this house. Nevermind that in most countries people live in houses this small and much smaller even. I guess in the US everyone thinks you MUST have a thousand or so square feet per person (rolling my eyes here). So it's not that this person just wants to help out of the goodness of their heart, it's a "pity" thing and will come with strings. Of course we'd be working on paying it back right away, and dh is for it, but I'm just not sure. I don't like owing people! So we may just do a little here and there and see what happens.

AND this person would literally FLIP if we ended up having another baby in the midst of all this. So I don't want to be endebted to a person who will be really angry (yes, angry about US deciding to have another baby...why people allow themselves to get all up in other people's business I'll never know) so I don't want to be in that position, yk?

Not that I'm thinking we definitely will or won't be adding on in that way :) Dh has said things like "I'm not saying we won't" and "maybe" a lot lately which is really surprising me. Though he doesn't want to do anything soon and my eggs are getting older by the second lol so it likely won't happen anyway.

BUT, anyway...here's hoping this "thing" will be easy to pay and take care of and we can get on with things. I've got my onions started, got my gardening calendar filled in, planning some fun day trips for this Spring and Summer with the kids...things are going well overall.

I'm feeling really good today...I've lost 9 lbs over the last week and a half! I'm going to leave my ticker above as is, because I'd last changed it in mid November (after that awful sickness that lasted for almost three weeks..os obviously some of that was illness related and came back pretty quickly lol) I'll be back at that 34 lb loss in a few days, so it's all okay lol I'm sitting at 32 lbs total right now.

I was saying recently that I hate focusing on the number on the scale. It's hard to explain, but it feels so silly to worry about that. To feel that I'm defined by that. But it does motivate me, I'm not one of those people who can get internally motivated or feel motivated by occasional clothing looseness lol so I need that number to let me know I'm going in the right direction, making the right changes. I wish I weren't like this, but I am.

And as I've said ad nauseum, I'm not striving for skinny. Just to feel better and look better in my clothes is what I'm working on. The former moreso than the latter. I know my back pains and other assorted aches and pains are mainly due to my weight.

I guess, deep down, I'm also hoping it has a positive effect on my dh's desire to have another baby. I know he worries about my health and would just like me to lose some weight too...

Who knows lol

Okay, I have to quit kvetching about another baby. My husband is pretty much done and I have to just get on with things. I can't stay in this place of longing and sadness forever, I have four other babies who need me right now!

So in that vein...

I'm planning my garden this year and I'm just loving it! I'm going to try my hand at square foot gardening instead of the typical gardening set up. Hearing how it's less work, less weeding, less watering, I think it's at least worth a shot.

I'm also going to grow enough to put up some things for winter. Potatoes and onions mainly as those are the things we go through pretty quickly around here. I also want to make a lot of pasta sauces and salsa. We go through both of those fairly quickly as well. Plus more freezing. We don't have loads of freezer space, but my mom has generously allowed us to put some of our freezer stock in her two extra freezers if need be so that might be what we'll do. I'm thinking about canning more than I'd originally planned on. Freezing is easy, but it's not the cheapest way to go. The green beans, saurkraut and vegetable soup as well as the tomato sauces will be canned.

So this is my plan...here's hoping I get at least half of it completed lol. I've never really done much canning and such and so this will be a learning experience at least.

Things are well here. Scott has finally gone back to his normal hours. While this means less money, we're all loving having him home more. The kids benefit greatly from his being here, he's super involved. Just this morning he's done a treasure hunt with each kid PLUS put together a multiplication game that involved lots of running around, throwing balls, laughing and much math. He's much more creative about this stuff than I am lol.

We've decided to put off having Mace evaluated for ASD. While I think he has his issues, after my thought and mindfulness I feel he doesn't need a diagnosis at this point. Some of the behaviors can be quirky, but nothing that is interfering with his life at this moment in time. Mostly it's stuff I think he'll outgrow as time goes on, with our constant guidance of course. He really is an amazing kid, and I don't want to label him. In many cases, that can be a great thing, but he's just not having so much difficulty that I feel it's warranted at this time.

Lily is getting ready to walk! It's amazing she'll be 2 in just a few short months. She's doing amazingly well from what I've learned about Downs. I'm eternally grateful for that. She's a spitfire and has this great fiesty personality that's emerging more every day.

I can't believe in a few weeks I'll have a 12 year old. Crazy. Gage and Maddie are just great kids...I hear all the time from Gage's friends' mothers how great a kid he is and how they love having him over. That's always nice to hear. Maddie still wants to be my shadow most of the time, and that's okay. I know this time will pass before I know it, as each phase has inevitably done. They're both playing basketball this winter...actually, must go and run errands before a practice tonight.

Since I'm fairly sure no one is reading here lol I'm going to rant on...

So I'm not sure what is up with my up and down desire for another baby. Just within this morning, I went from thinking I was really done and felt good about it to wanting to be pregnant RIGHT NOW! lol I have no idea what's up with me.

I know I'm trying to let it go and let whatever is meant to happen, happen. But, for many reasons, that's hard to do. It's hard for most people to do. About most things.

For me, I think what I'm most concerned about is the time factor. I mentioned something to dh the other night about him not wanting to take risks in regard to birth control. His response was "not yet". I don't get that. I'm going to be 36 in just over two months, it's not like I'm 25 and we could do this anytime in the next 10 years. I sort of want to know, in a general way, where my life is going. Do I let myself step out of this baby time, looking forward and just try to let it go? Or are we going to be doing this for a bit longer? I know none of us can know, with certainty, what tomorrow, next month, next year holds. But I just want a vague idea lol. I'm a planner, yes, but most people would want this hashed out in some way.

Even without the age issue, I have issues with certain times of the year. I want to garden and preserve...so Summer and early Fall would be a bad time to be either green feeling or heavily pregnant. I know many women can do all that and feel perfectly fine, I'm not so sure I could. I wouldn't want to get pregnant in the Spring when they're spraying God knows what all over the fields. AND I can't be due in the middle of winter because my midwives are over an hour away and I'm half an hour from the hospital. So...lol that looks like I'm screwed doesn't it. I've covered every month I think. I guess there' s not a spectacular time to be pregnant, and I'd get by no matter what. The Spring spraying and the bad weather are my biggest concerns. Getting pregnant this month or next would probably be ideal but there's NO way dh is going to be onboard with that. And wait until next year? hmmm. Mid summer would probably work well too though...I could get through the fatigue and "morning" sickness to get things harvested and canned I think.

Dumb. This is all just dumb planning for no reason. I have no idea what I want or what he wants. Crazymaking (as I'm sure anyone reading this would agree..I AM stark raving mad lol)

Now back to my not-so-insane life :) I have a seed order to place and preparations to make for my first big gardening year. I'm really excited!!

I've had a very....enlightening few weeks. I've been excited about this year because I've finally decided to put some work into ME. And not in the usual sense, not concerning weight or appearance. I'm going to put more time into figuring out what I can do to be happier and mentally healthier. I've started reading some books that have already had an impact on me, on my thinking anyway. I'm trying to implement these new thoughts and make some positive changes. It's hard to talk about, or type about, because I can't completely explain it myself. But these things I'm reading seem to be resonating with me, I'm feeling drawn to these types of changes and this way of thinking. I feel happier in just the short time I've been treading these waters. Of course, big changes aren't always easy and I'm seeing that there's big work to be done. I'm looking forward to it though, and hoping I can stay in this place.

I'm trying really hard not to dwell on things I should or should not do in the future. I truly feel those things are already written and I can't change them even if I wanted to. So obsessing about whether or not to have another child is pretty useless. I'm just open to whatever is supposed to happen. I've always thought that if a spirit needed in badly enough, it would find a way. I'm just going to remain open to it, open to anything really.

I know I might sound silly to some, but it's just so neat to finally "get" these things (as much as I can this early on anyway). It's a work in progress and I'm hopeful!

Everything is as it should be...

I'm feeling like I have a lot of "stuff" to get out, like I need to do some writing and vent my spleen a bit. Not sure about what though lol so that puts a damper on things.
I'm feeling pretty good with life lately, content I guess. I feel like things are going pretty well right now. It's two weeks until Christmas, we didn't use any credit cards this year and we're pretty much ready for the big day. We got the kids gifts I'm sure they're going to love. Things are going well. I know I feel like our financial struggles are huge quite a bit, but when I really look at our situation and I hear about other's going through tough times..well, I see that we don't have it that bad.

I'm still broody as hell, and I don't know what to do with that. To be honest, I have this deep feeling that we will have another baby, and it won't go away. So my wondering if I do or don't want another seems pointless. It might sound crazy, but I just feel on a soul level that it's already written, it's done. Scott still seems to be coming down on the side of being done, but I can't shake this. I've told him about it, and told him if he's really wanting to be done then he needs to do something because otherwise I truly feel like it's just going to happen. I won't make it happen, he's still in control of the birth control lol but I have a sense it's just fate. Of course he won't really do anything about it.

Anyway. I feel secure about it when I'm thinking about our little family, but when I start thinking about extended family I get anxious. None of them would understand. At all. I guess it's not about them and that's what it comes down to, but still...

For now, like I said, I'm feeling good. I'm going to keep working on getting to a healthier place and go from there. I need to do that anyway. This next year sure should be interesting! I'm actually looking forward to a new year for a change...hopefully getting started with the addition, getting some chickens (my mom was getting rid of hers but decided to wait a bit...we'll likely take a few in the Spring if she still wants to get rid of them), doing a really nice garden...and maybe, just maybe, something else new too.

*cough cough* Well, I think I've finally managed to get to the other side of this illness. I suppose it was the flu. It hit Maddie, Lily and I pretty hard. Over two weeks of feeling like crap...uber fun.

So today I finally took the first step in possibly getting Mace a diagnosis. He's got quite a few eccentric behaviors that I feel are starting to affect him more and more. I'm betting he's on the Autism spectrum, likely on the high functioning end. At the very least PDD. I just want to get him some occupational therapy to work on a few things that are interfering with his day to day activities. I hate to go down this road, but it looks like the wagon's been waiting at the gate for some time. I'd been beating myself up over the behaviors at hand because I felt like maybe I just wasn't being a good parent, wasn't "working with him" enough to make changes. I finally came to the realization that I did *not* have to work hard to teach the other kids these things; I realized he's just a tad different and that's okay and it doesn't make me a bad parent. He really is an amazing kid on many levels.

And of course, this multi kid + mom illness plus the likely cascade of therapy appts for another child make me think another kiddo isn't such a great idea. I just don't know.

In other news, we are finally getting chickens! Just four for now (four of my mom's, already laying) but I need to kick it into gear and get a coop built. Hopefully this weekend...dh has some things he's been working hard at, and if he finishes he can help me throw this together. Overall, things are good!

Okay, not much more baby whining. After some more talking, I'm just going to say I think we WILL have another baby at some point, likely within the next year and a half! And that's all I'm going to say (he's seeming to come around, I think it's mainly that he feels he'd like another, but then he worries about the particulars like time and such). And I don't want to dwell on it lest I jinx everything lol

Starting to seriously look at this building stuff. We need to get working on this addon. At least get some planning done for Spring. It'll be so nice to have more room. We're adding on a living room type space plus two bedrooms. We really need it. I know downsizing is a good thing, but apparently we can't declutter much more and we're still pretty full to bursting here. Maybe over the winter we can also fix the master bath (floor, finish drywall, new toilet, new sink/cabinet). It'd really be nice to have that nice whirlpool garden tub working...ahhh. I think I'm going to need it this winter with us all cooped up. I've already got the kids winter gear out, hoping they'll like trekking about in the snow more than they did in town (much more fun in fields and woods lol)

God, I need to get this out. I need to get over it is what I need. But I just can't. I feel a sadness so deep I can't even begin to explain it. I think about not having another baby (yeah, yeah, THAT again) and I feel a physical emptiness in my chest. Man, I can't do this. I seriously wonder if there are women who have to go through therapy to get over this desire.

I hate to go on and on about this, and it's not something that rules every moment but it seems to bubble to the surface every now and again. Okay, every day or two lol. And it happens when I'm least expecting it. I won't even be thinking about it then all of a sudden I'm feeling so sad that I won't have another baby. And it's not just the baby, it's another "person" in the family. This time it feel differently than it did "wanting" number 3 and number 4. I don't feel like someone is missing, I just feel like someone "has to be here" or needs to be here. Like it's something we just have to do, we don't have a choice. Then I remember we kinda do have a choice and the choice is that we're done. Made by my husband, but he has a right to that decision. It just feels like a knife in the heart every time I realize it's decided, it's over. I keep having moments where it seems like a possibility and I cannot explain the peace that comes over me, just a feeling of "rightness" that disappears when I start realizing, no, it's not really a possibility.

And I know I'm not this super mom. I get mad, I have bad days, I struggle with depression. Mild depression, but still, it sucks. I know we don't have lots of room, I know we don't have lots of money...but I just cannot shake this. And would I always feel this way? That's the question. I don't know. I can't always feel this way, I don't want to always feel this way.

I suppose I need to immerse myself in the kids I do have and just not look back. It's just sucky right now to have this sadness weighing on my heart.

Okay, okay...so it was PMS. I thought about deleting the post, but ya know, it's honest and honesty is okay, even when wrong. It's how I felt, right or no.

I guess I tend to overreact (nahhh, me?). One small fight and it's a slippery slope to "you don't love me!" lol. It's how I do.

Anyway...today things are good. Kids bickering a bit, but who has kids who don't? I know they're good kids overall, even on days I want to climb the nearest clocktower. Today's not quite one of those days. Yet.
I know I blather on about this, but it's on my mind quite a bit and I have nowhere to really get it out. No one "gets" this kid need. Everyone I know seems to think I'm slightly to extremely insane for even considering it. And ya know, that makes me feel like a crappy mom! Not that I need some family member or online friend to say "you're a fab mom! Have another kid! As a matter of fact, have five!!"...but I admit it feels weird when NO one seems supportive of it. Even those who are supportive of others big families. Things that make you go Hmmm for sure.

But as I think about it, I DO think I'm a pretty darn good mom. No, I don't do everything perfectly. Some days I get angry easily, some days I don't want to do homeschooling, some days I want to run screaming down the road. But doesn't everyone have these days? I truly believe they do. I know people online who hardly ever cop to having these days. I don't buy it. I love my kids, love being a mom...but I'm still ME and I still have all my flaws and issues. No one is perfect and therefore no one is a perfect parent. As long as I'm trying and as long as I'm striving to give my kids a good start, I think everything will be okay.
I really really think I have to stop worrying about what other people think and if they approve of my life. Because it's MY life!

Anyway, my mom had made a comment about if we had another, Lily wouldn't get all the attention she needs...wow, no attention with four sibs and us?! That's hardly a concern I have. And really, what more than a typical child does she need? I think, no I know because I was there at one point...I KNOW that people think she needs all this specialized care and attention because she has Downs. But you know what? She doesn't! She's a fabulous kid and I dote on her like crazy, as does her father and her brothers and sister, but she really isn't any more difficult or time consuming than my other kids. Actually less so than Mace who is still my handfull lol. And most people on the Downs board say a younger sib is actually good for a Ds kiddo!

At any rate, we're likely done. But still...

Having a ...day.

PMS is here in full force unfortunately. Things are weird.

Things that would be different...

Less laundry. But then I couldn't smell his shirts.

Could do what I want. But would only have myself to blame when everything goes bust.

No more worries about disappointing someone.

No waiting for him to come home from work, wondering if the house is clean enough, did I do enough during the day. But then no more waiting for him to come home from work.

Marriage is hard. We're in a hard place right now. He's a great person. I love him. Not so sure he loves me. What do you do then? Do I be the bigger person and let him go, or let him stay and be unhappy?

Might be all PMS but who knows. What do you do with yourself after being not just yourself for 16 years? And who would catch the spiders?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about other people. I know it’s a lost cause, trying to figure people out, but I keep plugging along hoping at some point I’ll stumble upon some epiphany. It hasn’t happened yet, but maybe someday…

What’s bugging me lately is the perception other people have about what we’re trying to do, how we live, how we raise our kids, etceterah etceterah…

Okay, and when I’m talking about people, it’s mostly my mother in law lol But it’s also some of my family as well. I really try not to dwell on it, but I hate people to get the wrong idea and run with it. That’s evidenced by my taking MY time to print out pages of studies/info about Downs to give to my mom’s friend who insists Lily has Downs because I didn’t get the Rhogam shot. So many things wrong with that, but the fact that I took MY time to try to show her the error of her ways when she’s just a small minded know it all…I really shouldn’t do that, I shouldn’t care so much about correcting misinformed people. But I do. Anyway…so these “people” seem to have the idea that we were forced into downsizing and that we really don’t want to live this way. UGH! We’ve been planning this for AGES. At least several years anyway lol. And yes, there have been some financial pitfalls along the way we hadn’t anticipated. But to think we just “had” to do this and we really don’t want to? Dumb. They don’t understand any of this. I love my brother, but I always get the idea talking to him that he doesn’t understand our choosing this in the least. They’re the polar opposites of us, so of course it’s to be expected that they don’t “get” it. They think, who would want to live on little money, in a small house, without a big savings account? They don’t get the fact that we’re trying to show our kids you don’t have to work all your life away in a job you don’t like just to pay for big things.

I’m not saying this is right for everyone, or that it’s perfection, but it’s something we CHOSE to do. Just like it was their choices that resulted in them working constantly, putting their kids in school and day care and living the way they live. I just hate being so in the minority that almost no one gets where we’re coming from or why we do what we do. I hate being looked down upon because we won’t just do things “like everyone else does”. It’s an uphill swim to be sure. And sometimes you just want to stop having to paddle so damned much.

We need to find a place that’s more hippie centric lol

I swear, I think I’m bipolar on this one issue lol. Of course I had to catch a repeat of one of those Duggar family specials. If you haven’t seen them, this family has 17 kids and they do shows on TLC about how they live, etc… As a by the by, if you do catch these types of shows, look for the Heppners. They have 12 kids iirc and I just love them. The Duggars are a source of discourse and discord on many parenting boards and some people love them, and others think they’re a bit wacko. If you know me at all, you know I wouldn’t live like they do lol but anyway… I watched the show and of course, now I want another baby. I figure, if they can have 17 and they’re not killing each other, why can’t I have 5?! Ugh
I was feeling FINE with being done; pretty sure I was finally moving past the old baby love. But no. Here we go again. Am I ever going to just get freaking OVER this?!?

I don’t know. I really don’t think Scott wants more, even though he tells me “you never know” when I go to get rid of Lily’s baby clothes. The man is making me crazy. I told him he’s really sending me mixed signals. I think he’s just feeling maybe a twinge of want, but is really done on a deeper level. It’s mainly a time issue I think. He feels, and he’s right on some levels, that we don’t get enough time to spend with the other kids as it is and that we’re not spending as much quality time as he’d like. Of course, he’s working a lot lately and that won’t always be the case and his idea of the right amount of “quality time” is way more than most dads. He’s a great dad and is always trying to do more with and for the kids. So in his mind, there’s not enough time. Whereas most people looking in from the outside would say SURE there’s enough time and he’s doing all the right things. If that makes sense…

I’ve said before the part that makes me saddest about having another baby is that both our families would think we shouldn’t. It makes me sad because I wonder if they just think we’re awful parents or something. I know most of this comes from their discomfort at our parenting styles and our homeschooling. They’re all of the traditional set; spanking and public school are good things to them. So I’m not sure it’s that they think we’re “bad” parents as much as they think we’re just doing things wrong. I actually hope that’s the case, I hope they realize we’re doing all we do out of love for our kids. And to be perfectly honest, most people moving on to have more than 3 kids are getting this same flak from their families. So it’s not just us. But still, the fact that a new baby would not be greeted with welcome saddens me.

And financially, we struggle. It’s gradually getting better, but it’s not perfect. Is anyone’s financial situation perfect though? I mean, even those people in my family who seem to have the “good jobs” have gone through layoffs and company takeovers and periods of unemployment. You can’t rely on most jobs anymore and this is why we’re choosing to lower our bills so that we need less money (i.e. we could get by on much less than most of the families I know just because our monthly outflow is pretty low comparatively. We could get by on a fast food job actually lol). Our main obstacle is that, egad, we want to be home with our kids! But having one of us home and the other gone less than 40 hours a week is more important than any number on a bank statement.

Anyway. I guess I’m trying to rationalize having a fifth child lol. What I’m really trying to do is get more organized within the house and see if things running more smoothly makes Scott more apt to forget the birth control lolol